Desperate Housewives - Episode 03.02 - It Takes Two

Bree's Living Room

Bree is smiling as she looks at her three friends.

"Brides are sensitive creatures. And no one knows this better than the bridesmaids who have to deal with them."

Flashback - Susan's Dining Room

Susan is under the dining room table working on the train of Bree's wedding dress.

Susan: "Well, I think a ten foot train is great, but a shorter one would be just as nice and you wouldn't have to worry about people tripping on it."

Flashback - Lynette's Kitchen

Lynette is sitting at her table talking to Bree. Lynette is holding a cup of coffee and a list of duties in her hands.

Lynette: "Personally, I love smoked rabbit, but for a sure crowd-pleaser you can't beat chicken."

Flashback - Gabrielle's Kitchen

Gabrielle is talking to Bree. Gabrielle has a walkman and earphones in her hands.

Gabrielle: "Uh sure, who doesn't love a string quartet. But if you got a band, maybe people could dance as opposed to sway."

Present Day - Bree's Living Room

Bree is smiling at the girls.

"But the one area where bridesmaids' tact is most required involves the dress..."

Bree: "So what do you think?"

"...she's required to wear."

Susan, Lynette and Gabrielle are standing in front of Bree wearing matching lime green bridesmaid dresses.

Susan: "Well, ah, I'm not sure that I've ever seen this shade of green before."

Bree: "Yeah, don't you think it will be gorgeous with my coloring?"

Gabrielle: "Yes, it would look perfect."

Lynette (under her breath): "For someone with your coloring."

Gabrielle elbows Lynette.

Bree: "I mean I was lucky to find these. It's not easy putting a wedding together in two weeks.

Susan: "Then why the rush?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah, Bree, I always thought of you as a person who wants time to plan."

Bree: "Well, Orson and I talked about it and we just feel at our age, it's silly to wait. And with your help, I'm sure we can get it all done."

Lynette: "Well, we are happy to pitch in."

Bree: "Oh, that reminds me." (pointing to Lynette) "I have to get a copy of the seating chart for you. Gaby, you are in charge of the centerpieces." (pointing to Susan) "And don't worry Susan, I will think of a job for you."

Bree goes upstairs.

Susan: "Here's a job. How about talking you out of marrying a homicidal dentist?"

Gabrielle: "Susan! We don't know that! All we have is some crazy woman's accusation."

Susan: "His wife vanished and he didn't even tell Bree. How much more proof do you need?"

Lynette: "He says he innocent. She believes him. If we say we don't, she'll just end up hating us."

Susan: "Well, I'm sorry I cannot sit here on my key lime ass and watch Bree make the worst mistake of her life!"

Bree clears her throat. The ladies turn and see her coming down the stairs holding the seating chart.

Bree: "And what mistake would that be?"

Susan: "Well. Um. Honestly..."

"Yes, a bridesmaid can question many of the bride's choices..."

Susan: "These dresses are hideous."

"...but the groom isn't one of them."

Opening Credits

Gabrielle's House

Two men carefully carry a wedding cake with Bride and Groom figurines on top of it into Gabrielle's house.

"The perfect couple. We've all met them, haven't we? That man and woman so clearly made for each other, we feel certain they are on the road to happiness. But that road has many detours."

Focus in on a picture of Carlos and Gabrielle at their wedding.

"And even perfect couples can find themselves at a dead end."

Alvin Portsmith Divorce Mediation Office

Carlos: "You want what?"

Gabrielle: "You heard me. And I want the bedroom stereo. want the marble console and that painting of Saint Augustine."

Carlos: "You don't even know who he is!"

Gabrielle: "I know he matches the drapes!"

Mr. Portsmith: "People, can we focus here."

Gabrielle: "And I want my pearl necklace back. Don't think I didn't notice that you swiped it."

Carlos: "That was my mama's, and hers before her. I think it belongs in my family."

Gabrielle: "There was a time you thought I belonged in your family. And you got over that!"

Carlos grabs for some French fries on a plate in front of Gabrielle. She slaps his hand.

Gabrielle: "Stop eating my fries!"

Carlos: "I'm hungry."

Gabrielle: "You know what the doctor said." (to Mr. Portsmith) "You should see his cholesterol. This man bleeds bacon grease."

Mr. Portsmith: "Enough! You two are gonna have to find a way to deal with each other because you are about to bring a child into this world. And divorced or not, once that child arrives, you will be bound together for as long as you live."

Gabrielle: "Well, in that case, have some more fries."

Lynette's Porch

Nora and Lynette come out the door.

Nora: "I'll pick Kayla up on Sunday."

Lynette: "Whenever, just go. You and Turk have a great time."

Nora: "Oh trust me, we will."

An old beat-up van is parked in front of Lynette's house. Standing by the door is a man in a tank t-shirt with tattoos and long hair, nodding to Nora.

Nora: "The man is a jack hammer."

Lynette: "Ah."

Tom walks up carrying groceries.

Nora: "Bye, Tom."

Tom: "Hi."

Nora: "See you Sunday."

Nora runs to Turk.

Tom: "Where is she going?"

Lynette: "She and Turk are going down to the river for the weekend."

Tom: "That's Turk? That's the new boyfriend? Uh-uh, no!"

Lynette: "Hey, hey, hey! Please!"

Tom: "I don't want my daughter hanging around with a guy like that!"

Lynette: "You haven't even met him. He could be the sweetest man in the world."

Tom and Lynette look over to Turk and Nora. Nora jumps into Turks arms and Turk grabs Nora's butt.

Lynette: "More importantly, ever since he entered the picture, Squeaky Fromm is never around. It has been bliss! I haven't made this face" (she grits her teeth) "in a week. If you ruin this, so help me, I will hurt you!"

Tom: "Just look at him. Look at him. Please, I swear that is a child's skull hanging from his mirror! Doesn't that concern you?"

Lynette: "No, I'm good. Could be a monkey."

Restaurant

Susan, with Ian, is looking at a menu.

Susan: "I think I will have the Mescaline Salad."

Ian: "That's it? That's all you're having?"

Susan (whispering): "Well, all of the food is very expensive."

Ian (whispering): "You don't need to whisper. The waiter knows they're robbing us blind. You can have whatever you want."

Susan: "In that case I'll have the lobster bisque and the veal with the black truffles. Is that okay?"

Ian: "Yeah, that's fine. I'll just have Jane moved to the VA Hospital."

Susan: "Oh my god!"

Ian: "I'm kidding. It's fine. I'll have what she's having."

Waiter: "Of course. Thank you."

Ian: "God, I love seeing you laugh."

Susan: "Oh, well, it's been a long time since I've been in a mood to, thank you."

Susan reaches over and squeezes Ian's hand.

Ian: "Oh, dear God."

Susan: "Did I squeeze too hard?"

Ian: "No, it's my wife's parents."

Susan: "Oh, oh, wow. Oh, is this going to be awkward?"

Ian: "No, no, no. No, not unless, of course, they see us."

Jeff: "Ian!"

Ian: "Awkward. Jeff, Renee, what, what a delightful surprise."

Renee: "It's so good to see you, dear."

They both look at Susan and there's a long pause.

Renee: "Hello, I'm Renee, and this is my husband, Jeff."

Susan: "Susan Mayer."

Ian: "Doctor! Doctor Susan Mayer. She's new to Jane's neurology team."

Renee: "Oh, I just assumed you worked in Ian's publishing house."

Susan: "Well, yes, and how nice that would have been, huh? Um, but, no, no, I'm a brain specialist."

Jeff: "Oh, Dr. Mayer, maybe I can ask you. Our daughter's most recent EEG showed brain spikes? But it didn't change the score on her Glascow scan. Why is that?"

Susan: "What an excellent question."

Later, Susan has drawn a side of a head and brain on a napkin.

Susan: "And this is the, uh, spinal cord. And it, of course, attaches to the brain."

Jeff: "You don't have to dumb it down for us, doctor. We've been dealing with Jane's condition for years."

Susan: "Oh, good. Um, I'm, um, well, then let's get technical."

Ian: "Let's give Dr. Mayer the night off. She was in surgery for ten hours today performing a craniotomy."

Renee: "That's exactly the procedure Jane had. How'd it go?"

Susan: "Uh, well, I, it just, wow. I hear my phone vibrating." (into her phone) "Hello, Dr. Mayer. Yeah, what? You say that his brain shut off? Oh, I'll be right there, um, stat!" (hangs up) "I'm sorry, duty calls."

Susan leaves.

Bree's Living Room

Bree: "Orson, I moved the furniture back!"

Orson: "Good lord, Bree, not again."

Bree turns on some piano music and grabs Orson's hands.

Bree: "Don't you want our first dance to be perfect?"

Orson: "Mm."

Bree: "There'll be two hundred people staring at us."

They begin to dance.

Orson: "You know, Bree, since that incident at our engagement party, there's been a lot of dark talk about me."

Bree: "Well, I don't pay attention to gossip."

Orson: "I'm just saying I would understand if you had second thoughts about marrying a man who is under a cloud."

Bree: "Well, no one who knows you could seriously believe that you could hurt a woman. Strangers may talk, but I know the truth."

Orson: "Really."

Bree: "Men have lied to me before. Believe me, it'll never happen again."

Orson: "So, you trust me completely?"

He dips her and she tilts her head back, then looks up at him.

Bree: "Clearly, I do."

Fairview Morgue

The coroner is beginning an autopsy of the body of a woman.

Coroner: "The body is unusually well-preserved because it was buried in clay."

Detective: "Do we have a cause of death?"

Coroner: "Blunt force trauma to the head."

Detective (to second Detective): "I want you to pull all the missing persons reports. Cross check against her height, age, and weight."

Coroner: "I'm also running a DNA panel, since we won't be able to use her dental records."

Detective: "Why not?"

Coroner: "Whoever killed her pulled out all her teeth."

Lynette's House - Nighttime

Lynette, carrying laundryupstairs, hears someone sobbing. She finds Nora on the porch crying.

Lynette: "Nora, what are you doing back? Are you okay?"

Nora: "Shut the door! I don't want Kayla to find me like this."

Lynette: "What's wrong?"

Nora: "Turk and I had a fight."

Lynette: "What? No! No, no, no. What happened?"

Nora: "What happened is Turk is an ass! On the way up to the river we stopped at this bar and we were playing pool, and I got a little bitchy with one of the waitresses. Who cares, right, I mean, who cares? It's a bar and we all do it, right?"

Lynette: "Right."

Nora: "So, he tells me to watch my mouth. Then I'm like, whoa, get a load of Mr. Two Strikes trying to tell me how to act in public. And then he called me a whore! We're done."

Lynette: "Okay, whoa, whoa, take a deep breath. You don't wanna break up with a guy because, in a weak moment, he calls you a whore."

Nora: "And then on the way out, he threatened to hit me."

Lynette: "Okay, but he didn't, he didn't, and you know until..."

Nora: "Oh jeez, Lynette, whose side are you on?"

Lynette: "I'm on the side of love. You guys seem like such a perfect couple."

Nora: "I know."

Lynette: "I just, I, I, you know, you don't wanna throw that all away 'cause of a little fight with no hitting."

Nora: "No, it's over. I just got off the phone with Turk's parole officer, and it was like, 'guess who ain't in Nevada no more?' click."

Nora begins crying again, moves over, and puts her head on Lynette's shoulder.

Nora: "I think I might have to stay here tonight."

Edie's Bedroom Late Night

Edie is fast asleep. She wakes up when she hears a noise downstairs. Edie goes outside, holding a shotgun. She sees someone opening her side window and beginning to enter her house.

Edie: "Freeze!"

The man turns around.

Edie: "Austin?"

Austin: "Hey, Aunt Edie."

Edie's House

Edie takes two beers from the refrigerator.

Austin: "Anyway, Mom just got back from a cruise to Jamaica with new boobs and a twenty-four year old cabin boy."

Edie: "Oh."

Austin: "Needless to say, me and Mr. 'can I get you some more hot towels,' we didn't exactly hit it off. So, after I broke his nose, I figured it was time to come visit my favorite aunt."

Edie: "Your Mom always did have lousy taste in men."

Austin: "So, I figured I'd crash here for the night. Then hitch down to Mexico. Hang out, party."

Edie: "Yeah, I'm thinking, like, no way in hell. You're gonna stay here with me until things blow over with your mom, okay?"

Austin: "Cool, thanks."

Edie hands Austin a beer.

Edie: "Oh, wait. You're eighteen, right?"

Austin: "Well, that's what my ID says."

Edie: "Yeah, mine too."

She hands him a beer.

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle is doing yoga. A very pregnant Xiao-Mei comes downstairs.

Gabrielle: "Hey. You are supposed to be on bed rest!"

Xiao-Mei: "I'm bored!"

Gabrielle: "Well, why don't you try putting on a pair of pants? That should kill a couple of hours."

The doorbell rings. Gabrielle answers.

Carlos: "Hey, babe. Hey, what's she doing out of bed? That can't be good for her."

Gabrielle: "Or the stairs. What do you want?"

Carlos: "The mediator was right. A month from now we're not just gonna be Carlos and Gaby, we're going to be Mom and Dad. And I don't want to be at war with the mother of my child. So here."

Gabrielle: "Your mama's pearls? Carlos! Thank you."

Carlos: "And?"

Gabrielle: "And what?"

Carlos: "Wouldn't you like to make some reciprocal gesture?"

Gabrielle: "Fine. You can come to Bree's wedding reception, as my guest."

Carlos: "Thanks. Where is it?"

Gabrielle: "Here."

Carlos: "Here. You're throwing the reception?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah. That's our wedding present to Bree."

Carlos: "So I give you a priceless family heirloom, and in return, you invite me to party at my house that I'm paying for?"

Gabrielle: "Well, what kind of gesture did you have in mind?"

Carlos bends slightly and points to his cheek. Gabrielle kisses him on the cheek.

Gabrielle: "Things I'll do for jewelry."

Gabrielle wipes her mouth.

Fairview Memorial Hospital - Mike's Room

Susan is sitting next to Mike as Ian walks in.

Ian: "Susan, I am so sorry."

Susan: "Dr. Mayer?"

Ian: "Panic, pure panic. Here." (he hands Susan flowers) "These are for ruining our first date."

Susan (she covers Mike's ears): "Shh. Not in front of Mike! Oh, look, Mike. Ian brought you flowers. I'll just go put them in some water."

Susan pulls Ian out of the room.

Ian: "Look, I was just trying to protect Jane's parents."

Susan: "Oh please."

Ian: "They still haven't accepted the fact that Jane isn't going to wake up. If they knew that we were on a date, that I was trying to, to move on, well, it would devastate them."

Susan: "That's a really lovely excuse, but it isn't the whole story, is it?"

Ian: "Excuse me?"

Susan: "A part of you feels like you're cheating on her."

Ian: "No! Well, perhaps a small part, but that doesn't mean that..."

Susan: "It's all right. 'Cause I feel guilty too. That's why we should just stop this right now because it's all way too complicated and I think we'd both be happier if we just went back to being friends."

Ian: "Well, I don't think I can do that. The truth is I haven't thought of you as just a friend for some time now. Maybe I shouldn't have let myself feel that way but, but I have. And I can't go back, I'm sorry."

Susan: "Well, if we can't be friends than I guess we'll be nothing."

Susan walks back into Mike's room.

Susan's House

Julie is typing at her computer. Loud music is blasting outside, obviously interrupting her train of thought.

Wisteria Lane Daytime

Outside Edie's house. Julie approaches a motorcycle and stereo on the sidewalk. She turns the stereo down. Edie's shirtless nephew comes around the corner.

Austin: "Hey. Leave that alone."

Julie: "Sorry, I was just turning it down."

Austin: "What, you're not a music fan?"

Julie: "Sure, it's just, um, got anything where a pimp isn't beating his ho."

Austin: "I'm Austin, Edie Britt's nephew."

Julie: "Oh. I'm Julie, Susan Mayer's daughter."

Austin: "Ohhh."

Julie: "Anyway, I'm trying to do my homework so..."

Austin: "On a Saturday? Well, make sure and take regular breaks and stop for a sensible dinner."

Julie: "Just keep it down. You had it really loud."

Austin: "That's how I like it. How do you like it?"

Julie: "You know what? You're not that hot!"

Julie turns and walks away and Austin smiles.

Lynette's House

Tom comes downstairs.

Tom: "Hey, whatcha doing?"

Lynette: "Oh, I'm working on a seating chart for Bree's wedding."

Tom: "Nora? Who invited her?"

Lynette: "I did. We need to find her another boyfriend and weddings are crawling with single men."

Tom: "I hope you're not seating her next to any of my friends."

Lynette: "Hey, sacrifices must be made, Tom!"

Tom grabs the chart.

Tom: "No, Jerry Rawlings, not Jerry Rawlings! She gets her psycho hooks into Jerry Rawlings, he will never speak to me again."

Lynette: "Oh, there are other urologists in the world. Go back to that other guy."

Tom: "The one with the cold hands?"

Lynette: "Oh, it's once a year. Suck it up."

Tom: "Get a grip, Lynette."

Lynette: "Get a grip? I am hanging on for dear life, here. You are the one that brought this little problem into our family and the only thing I should be hearing from you is 'how can I help?' I am also putting Steve Hansen at her table so you might want to start shopping around for a new golf buddy."

Tom nods briefly and walks away.

Lynette: "Get a grip."

Susan's House

Susan, in rollers, comes outside to get her mail. She sees Orson across the street at Bree's car where someone has attached cans and a "just married" sign. Orson is angrily ripping the cords connecting the cans to the car, cutting them off. He looks up and sees Susan staring at him. He smiles and waves with the knife in his hand. Susan, obviously worried, waves back and goes inside.

Bank

Susan waits in line, than walks to the window where Carolyn Bixby is working.

Susan: "Hi, my name's Susan Mayer. Your neighbor told me I could find you here."

Carolyn: "Yeah."

Susan: "Well, I was at my friend Bree's engagement party the other night. You know when you came in and you did that whole 'Orson killed his wife' thing. I was just wondering if you could elaborate."

Carolyn: "He killed her. What else do you need to know?"

Susan: "Well, what makes you so sure? Do you have any proof?"

Carolyn looks over and sees the bank manager approaching.

Carolyn: "Look, I can't talk now. I get off at six."

Susan: "My friend is marrying that man in two hours. Please?" (talking loudly) "Okay, I need, um, ten dollars in unrolled pennies and I need to see you count it. 'Cause last time you stiffed me."

The bank manager walks away. Carolyn pulls out rolls of pennies.

Carolyn: "After Alma disappeared, the police came and searched the house."

Susan: "The police? What did they find?"

Carolyn: "Nothing."

Susan: "And that's bad why?"

Carolyn: "Don't you get it? When the police showed up, Orson had scrubbed every inch of the place clean with bleach. No fingerprints. No skin cells. No DNA. It was like Alma had never existed. Who cleans a house like that unless he has something to hide?"

Church

The chapel is filled with guests. The organist is playing.

Bride's Changing Room

Susan, Lynette, and Gabrielle are getting ready.

Susan: "So when I left the bank I called the detective that worked the case and he said that the only reason Orson was never charged was because they never found a body."

Lynette: "So, he was an actual suspect?"

Susan: "He was the only suspect."

Gabrielle: "Oh my god, what are we going to do?"

Susan: "Well, you know what we have to do."

Bree, in her wedding gown, walks in.

Bree: "That was close. The florist put three mums in my bridalbouquet. But not to worry, crisis averted."