Desperate Housewives - Episode 03.05 - Nice She Ain't

Wisteria Lane

"The art of sabotage. It's practiced every day in the suburbs. Sometimes it takes the form of a Bundt cake offered to a friend who's on a diet. Other times, it's a cable cut just as a husband's friends arrive to watch the big game. And there's always that anonymous phone call to the city zoning department. Yes, in Suburbia, everyone you meet is a potential saboteur. Absolutely everyone."

Hotel

Bree walks into a hotel and goes up to the desk, where a guy is sitting behind the counter.

Bree: "Good afternoon. I'm, uh, Bree Hodge, and you are?"

Gus: "Name's Gus, and we're all booked up."

Bree: "Actually, Gus, um, I'm here to see one of your guests. A gentleman named Faladi."

Gus: "Oh, came in about an hour ago. You want me to call him for you?"

Bree: "No, no, no, no. I'd like you to take me to his room and unlock it so I can walk in unannounced."

Gus (laughs): "Lady, I can't do that. Besides, he has a girl in there."

Bree: "Yes, I know. She's my daughter. My seventeen-year-old daughter."

Gus: "Yeah. Uh, that would be, uh, room, uh, seventeen. Now there's irony for you."

Later, the two of them walk outside to the hotel room.

Gus: "You don't have a gun in there, do you? Because I just put down new carpet."

Bree: "Gus, I don't plan anything unpleasant. I'm simply going to inform Mr. Faladi what repercussions he faces if he continues this relationship and trust him to see reason."

Gus unlocks the door. She goes inside the room. Gus waits outside. Voices are heard from inside.

Mr. Faladi: "What the hell?!"

Danielle: "Mom! What are you doing here?!"

Mr. Faladi: "You just can't walk right in here."

Danielle: "How can you do this to me?!"

Mr. Faladi: "What makes you think that you can walk in here..."

"Yes, the art of sabotage. It's practiced every day in the suburbs..."

Mr. Faladi: "I told you, it's over!"

Danielle: "But I love you!"

Mr. Faladi: "Okay, didn't you hear her?!"

Bree walks out of the room.

Gus: "So how'd it go?"

Bree: "Quite well, I think."

"But few do it as well as Bree Hodge..."

Bree: "Oh, and Gus, the carpet is beautiful."

"...or as politely."

Opening Credits

Wisteria Lane - Various Households

"Family dinner. There was the time when that phrase meant something on Wisteria Lane. Of course, this was back when meals were lovingly prepared by wives who loved to cook for children who remembered their manners. But family dinners, like the times, had changed, and there was only one house in the neighborhood where dinner remained a family occasion and attendance was not optional."

Bree's House

Bree, Orson, Danielle, and Andrew are seated around the dining room table, eating dinner. Danielle isn't touching her food.

Orson: "I don't know when I've tasted such tender spring lamb."

Bree: "Thank you, dear. Danielle, you haven't touched your dinner."

Andrew: "She doesn't like spring lamb. She prefers old goat."

Danielle: "I'm glad you guys think it's so funny that my life is over."

Orson: "Your mother was right to end that relationship. The man was your teacher and married."

Danielle: "He's getting a divorce."

Orson: "Well, that hardly bolsters his suitability. Danielle, please, eat something."

Bree: "Don't worry, dear. Hunger strikes demand self-control, and as we've seen, that's hardly her strong suit."

Danielle: "When are you gonna take me seriously?"

Bree: "When you start acting like an adult."

Andrew: "Well, she sleeps with them. That's a start."

Danielle: "I hate you! I hate all of you!"

Danielle stands up and throws her plate of food into the wall.

Bree: "Remind me to buy paper plates. We'll need them till a certain someone can be trusted with china again."

Danielle: "Aah!"

Danielle storms out.

Lynette's House

Lynette walks into the kitchen where Tom is making homemade pizza. He throws the dough into the air and catches it, molding it to form the crust.

Lynette: "Wow, you're pretty good at that."

Tom: "Hey, you are home early."

Lynette: "Hi. Yes, I am. What is all this?"

Tom: "We are having a celebration. Sit."

Lynette: "What are we celebrating?"

Tom: "You being the greatest wife in the world."

Lynette: "Thanks. No, seriously, though."

Tom: "I mean it. How many wives would tell their husbands to follow his dreams, and then have the patience to wait while he figures out what the hell it is?"

Lynette: "Oh, my God! You know what you wanna do! That's fantastic! What is it?"

Tom: "Wait for it, wait for it. Okay, I knew I needed to spend my days doing something I was passionate about, something creative..."

He motions towards the pizza.

Tom: "Yeah, have at it. Um, something where I interacted with the public, but I was still my own boss, and then this morning, it just like, bam, it hit me!"

Lynette: "Okay, okay, I'm dying here. What's the dream?"

Tom: "You're eating it."

Lynette: "Excuse me?"

Tom: "I'm gonna open up a pizza parlor! I bet you didn't see that one coming."

Lynette: "No, that was a real Frisbee to the head, that one."

Tom: "But, but when you think about it, doesn't it make perfect sense? I mean, marinara's in my blood. You remember Uncle Vito? He came to this country with nothing. He turned that trattoria into a gold mine."

Lynette: "Isn't he the one that asked us for a loan last Christmas?"

Tom: "He has a gambling problem, but don't blame the pizza. Trust me. I've got this thing all mapped out. It's gonna have, like, a real family feel, with, like, big portions but small prices, crayons for the kids. Oh, God, I feel good about this."

Lynette: "Hmm."

Tom: "So what do you think?"

Lynette: "I think I'm gonna open another bottle of wine."

Tom: "But we haven't finished this one."

Lynette: "Well, hey, we're celebrating, right?"

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle walks into her bedroom and finds Carlos lighting candles while soft music plays in the background.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, what are you doing in my room?"

Carlos: "Oh, hey, Gaby, you're home early."

Gabrielle: "God, Carlos! Strawberries and champagne? Did you really think you're gonna seduce me?"

Carlos: "Never entered my mind."

Gabrielle: "Oh, right, right. You know, I may be living with you until the divorce is final, but it doesn't mean I have to put up with your cheesy come-ons."

Carlos: "Gaby, can I just say one thing?"

Gabrielle: "What, you've been doing some thinking and you realize that I'm your soul mate and there's a vacancy in your heart only I can fill?"

Carlos: "Gaby, listen..."

Gabrielle: "It's over between us. Just move on already. Forget me."

She walks into the bathroom and shrieks. Carlos follows her in and they both look at the woman who's taking a bubble bath.

Carlos: "As I was trying to say, I have company over. This is Trishelle. Trishelle, this is...what was your name again? I seem to have forgotten."

Hospital - Mike's Room

Mike eats his lunch as Susan talks.

Susan: "So the doctor said I should use as many things as I can to jog your memory. And not just pictures. He said I could use tastes and smells and sounds, so tonight is sounds of the seventies."

Mike slurps his soup.

Susan: "Okay, uh, well, you know, let me set the scene. Um, we were at this funky little fish joint that you'd been dying to take me to, Cappy's. Do you remember Cappy's? Okay, well, we were there, and, uh, we were just wolfing down the most delicious trout ever..."

Mike: "How long till the music part?"

Susan: "Oh, it's coming. Um, and this seventies cover band, well, they started to play, and that's how we got our song."

The music comes on and Susan starts dancing to "Car Wash."

Mike: "Our song was Car Wash?"

Susan: "Yeah! See how much fun we were? So I dragged you out onto the dance floor, and, well, you were giving me this look, sort of like the look you're giving me right now and, um, I started to do this and then you did this."

Mike: "I'm, I'm sorry, this, this isn't working."

Susan: "Oh, Mike. Come on, you're not even trying to remember! It was fun! Oh, I know. Okay, sing with me. Car wash, talkin' about the car wash. Whoo, car wash, yeah."

Mike turns off the music and Susan stops dancing.

Mike: "You know, I'm really beat."

Susan: "Okay, Mike, I, I am not doing this to upset you. I'm doing this to help."

Mike: "I get that. It's just, the music is giving me a headache."

Susan: "Okay, well, I'll go, but I am not giving up on you. You know, you are going to remember the night that we danced to Car Wash, and not just because it was fun, but because later that night, we did some things that, trust me, are worth remembering."

She leaves and Mike closes his eyes.

Police Station

The coroner comes up to the detective while he's eating lunch.

Coroner: "That Jane Doe from the golf course, I think I missed something at the autopsy. Check it out."

He hands the detective a picture of the dead woman's hand.

Detective Ridley: "You always gotta come at lunch, don't you?"

Coroner: "Those blue marks on the back of her hand? First I thought they were veins. Now I think it's ink."

Detective Ridley: "You mean, like some kind of writing?"

Coroner: "Yeah. I need to run some more tests, see if I can get a clearer image. I could be wrong, but..."

Detective Ridley: "But what?"

Coroner: "I think it's a phone number."

Bree's House

Bree, Orson, and Andrew are at the dining room table, eating dessert.

Bree: "The oddest thing happened at the club today. Tish Atherton..."

The sounds of breaking glass can be heard from another room.

Bree: "Andrew, would you be a dear and make sure your sister's just breaking her own things?"

Andrew gets up from the table.

Bree: "Anyway...hmm. Tish Atherton..."

Upstairs, Andrew knocks on Danielle's door. From across the hall, in the bathroom, Danielle moans.

Andrew: "Danielle?"

He walks into the bathroom and sees an open bottle of pills spilled out and Danielle has sliced her wrists open. She moans.

Andrew: "Yeah, I'll tell 'em."

Downstairs, Bree is still talking to Orson.

Bree: "I'm telling you, it was a deliberate snub. I waved to her and she looked right through me. True, I never bought her eldest daughter a gift..."

Andrew: "Uh, Mom?"

Bree: "Andrew, please don't interrupt me while I'm speaking. True, I never bought her eldest daughter a gift, but you know my policy: no husband, no baby gift. Now what is it, dear?"

Andrew: "Well, um, Danielle's upstairstrying to commit suicide."

Bree gives a sigh and looks knowingly at Orson who rolls his eyes. Andrew gives his mother a look and suddenly she and Orson spring from the table and rush upstairs.

Andrew: "There's no rush. She's not trying that hard."

Hospital Waiting Room

Bree and Orson are standing up while Andrew slouches in a chair, playing a hand-held video game.

Bree: "How can you sit there playing that ridiculous game? Your sister tried to kill herself. That doesn't upset you?"

Andrew: "She tried to slit her wrists with a spoon. How upset do you want me to be?"

Doctor: "Mrs. Hodge?"

Bree: "Is my daughter all right?"

Doctor: "She's a little groggy, but she'll be fine. The wounds are fairly superficial."

Andrew: "So's the patient."

Doctor: "We'll release her tonight, but you understand that in cases like this, counseling is mandatory."

Bree: "Of course. We'll get her all the help she needs."

Doctor: "She is resisting our efforts to pump her stomach. She says she only took three sedatives."

Andrew: "She's disoriented. Pump her."

Bree: "Andrew!"

She pauses, then turns to the doctor.

Bree: "Pump her."

The doctor nods and leaves.

Bree: "They're sticking a tube down her throat. Do you still think this is funny?"

Andrew: "Mom, this was a half-assed bid for attention."

Bree: "This was a cry for help and if we don't listen, the next time she could do something even more dangerous."

Andrew: "Yeah, next time she might jump off the porch."

Orson: "Will you stop it! Suicide is the worst thing that can happen to a family! I will not have it made light of!"

Bree: "Orson's right. We need to support each other as a family. In fact, I say we all go for counseling."

She looks at Orson.

Outside Lynette's House

Lynette, Gabrielle, Susan, and Karen McCluskey are sitting around an outdoor patio table, chatting. Inside the house, Nora watches them through a window.

Gabrielle: "Tom actually said he's opening up a pizza parlor?"

Karen: "Lynette, you're not serious."

Lynette: "Mm-hmm."

Karen: "Well, might as well stand in a vat of tomato sauce and tear up hundred dollar bills."

Lynette: "I know, but I said that I would support him and help him follow his dream."

Susan: "Well, he can't hold you to that, not if the dream is pizza."

Gabrielle: "She promised to stand by him, and once you make that commitment you have to see it through."

Lynette: "Yeah. How's that divorce going?"

Gabrielle: "I'm done talking."

Lynette looks over to where her kids are climbing some trees.

Lynette: "Hey, Parker, be careful up there. I just keep thinking he's gonna come to his senses and realize it's a bad idea."

Karen: "That's never gonna happen."

Lynette: "Why?"

Karen: "Because men are genetically incapable of realizing that their dreams are stupid."

Lynette: "Care to elaborate, Dr. McCluskey?"

Karen: "My husband sold insurance for thirty-six years, and one day, he woke up and decided he wanted to move to Paris and paint naked ladies. I told him, "Gilbert, you can barely paint the garage. What makes you think you can commit art?" And for the rest of his life, he despised me."

Lynette: "He despised you for saying no?"

Karen: "Well, he also thought I was sleeping with his brother, and I'm sure that was mixed in there, too."

Nora comes out from inside the house.

Nora: "Okay, so I got Kayla all unpacked."

Lynette: "Oh, great. So, uh, Tom will drop her off at your house on Friday."

Nora: "Sounds good. Lynette, can I talk to you for a second?"

Lynette: "Mm-hmm. Yeah."

They go off to the sidewalk.

Nora: "Okay, pardon me for having really big ears, but I heard about Tom and this pizza place. Do you wanna know what I think?"

Lynette: "No, not really."

Nora: "It sucks. It's a sucky idea, and your friends back there, they're just too nice to come right out and say it. Luckily, I'm not your friend, so you can trust me. Nip it in the bud."

Lynette: "And make Tom resent me for the rest of his life. I don't think so."

Nora: "Well, you better do something, 'cause if you don't, you and me will wind up working a pole to pay for braces."

Outside Susan's House

Julie is standing on the sidewalk talking with a friend when Austin comes up to her holding freshly-ripped-from-the-ground flowers.

Austin: "Hey, Julie. I bought you some flowers."

Julie: "Generally, when you buy flowers, they don't still have the roots on them."

Austin: "Okay, uh, I was hoping you could help me with my English Lit paper."

Sarah: "Hi, I'm Sarah."

Austin: "Hey. So what do you say?"

Julie: "Actually, I'm sort of busy right now."

Austin: "Oh, come on. Look, Aunt Edie's gonna give me the boot if I flunk out. Wouldn't you miss me?"

Julie: "Oh, absolutely! Whose motorcycle would wake us all up at two in the morning?"

Sarah: "You drive a motorcycle?"

Austin: "Hmm. Please? Look, I could really use some help here."

Julie: "Normally, I charge twelve bucks an hour for tutoring, but seeing as it's you, fifteen."

Austin: "Great. See you Friday. Oh, and just so you know, I charge fifteen an hour to make out, so I'll probably break even."

Julie: "Ugh."

He walks off.

Hospital

Susan walks up to the nurse's station, carrying a casserole dish.

Susan: "Hi. You're new. Where's Marcy?"

Nurse: "She's in Honolulu on vacation. Can I help you?"

Susan: "Oh, I'm just going to see Mike Delfino."

Nurse: "What's that smell?"

Susan: "Uh, that's my macaroni and cheese. I was hoping it would trigger Mike's memory. I made it the first time we met two years ago."

Nurse: "You should've refrigerated it."

Edie walks out of Mike's room.

Susan: "Edie?"

Nurse: "Oh, you know Ms. Britt?"

Susan: "Uh, yeah. What is she doing here?"

Nurse: "Visiting Mr. Delfino. You know, she was with him when he came out of his coma."

Susan: "What?"

Nurse: "And she's been here every day since."

Susan storms up to Edie.

Susan: "You!"

Edie: "Hello, Susan. Long time no see."

Susan: "I've been wondering why Mike's been so cold to me. Now it all makes sense."

Edie: "I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about. Whew! For God's sakes, take a bath."

Susan: "Oh, that's my macaroni and cheese. Don't change the subject. What have you been telling him about me?"

Edie: "Why would I say anything about you? Mike has no idea who you are. I envy him."

Nurse: "Ladies, is there a problem?"

Susan: "I want this woman banned from the hospital."

Edie: "She's been like this ever since Mike dumped her. Imagine Fatal Attraction with a much older woman."

Nurse: "Ma'am, Mr. Delfino already has a visitor. I think you should go."

Susan: "Me? But why doesn't she leave? I'm the one who's been here every day for the last six months."

Nurse: "Well, I don't know you, but I do know his girlfriend."

Susan: "Girlfriend? Okay, you know what? I want Marcy's number in Honolulu and I want it right now."

Nurse: "You need to leave."

Susan: "What?"

Nurse: "You're disturbing the other patients."

Susan: "No, what are you...oh, this is ridiculous! I mean, who am I disturbing? It's a coma ward! Don't you want them to wake up?!"

Susan is escorted off the floor by security guards.

Therapist's Office

Bree, Orson, Danielle, and Andrew sit in a therapist's office during their session.

Bree: "I did not call you that."

Danielle: "Yes, you did!"

Bree: "I have never in my life used the word retard."

Danielle: "It's what you think. You think I'm this, this immature moron who can't be trusted to decide what's best for her."

Andrew: "Well, you did try to off yourself. I don't think you get to pull the 'I know what's best for me' card."

Bree: "Andrew! Not in front of the therapist."

Therapist: "Actually, I think we're making great progress. You feel Danielle refuses to see you're acting in her best interest. And you think your mother cares more about her image than your feelings."

Bree: "Danielle, how can you think I don't care about your feelings?"

Orson: "Don't you know how much your mother loves you?"

Bree: "When I saw you in that tub, it was the worst moment of my life. The thought of losing you is more than I can bear."

Therapist: "How does that make you feel?"

Danielle: "Actually, kind of powerful."

Bree: "Powerful?"

Danielle: "You really don't wanna lose me?"

Bree: "Of course not. I already went through thinking I'd lost Andrew. I can't go through that again."

Danielle: "Well, then, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to start dating Robert again, and if you try to break us up or get him fired, then I'm going to leave, and you will never see me again."

Orson: "Danielle."

Danielle: "If that can survive on its own," (she points to Andrew) "so can I. You don't believe me? Call my bluff. See what happens."

Danielle leaves. Bree turns to the therapist.

Bree: "So, what do we owe you for all this progress?"

Julie's Bedroom

Julie: "Come on, Austin. Concentrate. Okay, why did Iago betray Othello?"

Austin: "Uh, because the play would suck if he didn't?"

He takes out a can of beer and drinks from it.

Julie: "What do you think you're doing?"

Austin: "Mmm. Sorry."

He gets out another can and hands it to her.

Julie: "No! No, no, no, no! No, no, we're here to work. And if my mom came home, she'd flip. Now put that away."

He chugs the rest of it, then puts the can aside.

Austin: "Ahh. You said, put it away."

Julie: "Look, if, if you think I'm gonna sit here and write your paper for you while you're getting drunk..."

Austin: "No, just help me get it started, okay? This is hard for me, all right? I didn't read a lot of Shakespeare in juvie. I kind of majored in not getting stabbed."

Julie: "Ugh, fine. I'll write your intro, but, but then you're on your own."

Austin: "Thank you very much."

Julie: "So, why'd they send you to juvie anyway?"

Austin: "They didn't. My mom did."

Julie: "Why?"

Austin: "She had this boyfriend. No job, big drunk, real catch. One night, he pops her one, so I break a chair over his head, and, uh, and she calls the cops on me."

Julie: "But you were protecting her."

Austin: "Yeah, that's what I thought. But the guy said he'd leave if she didn't press charges, and well, my mom doesn't really like to be alone."

Julie: "You know what? You're tired. Um, why don't you lay down for a couple minutes, and I'll just do a page or two?"