Desperate Housewives - Episode 03.04 - Like It Was

Hospital Mike's Room

"The day Mike Delfino woke from his coma, Edie Britt was the first to know. Once she was sure he was responsive..."

Edie: "Mike?"

She leans over his bed and he grabs her arm. She runs away screaming.

"...Edie decided to share the good news with others."

Edie: "Code red! Code red! My friend just woke up from his coma."

"And that is how word began to spread. Mike's physician, Dr. Craig, was busy with a patient when he first heard the news. Not long after, he called his aunt Ida, who was busy knitting a sweater. She told Lynette Scavo, who was busy watering her lawn, and she told her husband Tom, who was busy playing a computer game. He then e-mailed his friend Carlos, who was busy plotting strategy with his divorce lawyer and Carlos called his soon-to-be ex-wife, Gabrielle, who was busy doing the same with hers. Yes, word of Mike's miraculousrecovery spread quickly throughout Wisteria Lane and stopped cold everyone's busy, busy life. Everyone, that is except for Susan Mayer, who was busy doing something she would soon wish...she hadn't."

At Ian's cabin, Susan relaxes back against Ian, the two of them sharing a bubble bath while her cell phone displays the phrase "No Signal."

Opening Credits

Bree's House

"Edward Sibley was the beloved founder of the town of Fairview. Prior to that, he was best known as a bootlegger, a womanizer, and a horse thief. Of course, no one remembers those parts of Edward's past. Luckily for him, history is designed to be rewritten and no one knew this better than Bree Hodge."

Bree, Orson, and Andrew eat breakfast at the dining room table while Danielle puts the finishing touches on a large poster board project about Edward Sibley.

Andrew: "So you're just gonna lie to people?"

Bree: "Oh, I'm not talking about a lie, just a polite fiction to explain to everybody where you've been. I mean, we can't possibly tell them that you've been living on skid row, sleeping in a cardboard box."

Andrew: "So, why do I have to go to this history fair anyway? I mean, it's just some dumb school contest. We all know Danielle's not gonna win. She never wins anything."

Danielle: "Is it weird eating off plates? 'Cause if you were more comfortable, you could just eat straight out of the garbage."

Bree: "This is a family event, and we're all gonna enjoy it together. Now, Danielle, stop sniping and start thinking of an alibi for your brother."

Danielle: "I know. We could say he joined a cult and we had to kidnap and deprogram him."

Bree: "Well, that would certainly spare the family some embarrassment. Why not throw in a killing spree, too?"

Orson: "Well, here's a thought: we say he was at drama camp. It reflects Andrew's interest in the performing arts, while giving us a private joke to savor about the drama of his estrangement."

Andrew looks at Danielle.

Danielle: "Uh, yeah, he is always like that."

Andrew: "Uh, guys, why can't we just tell the truth? I got out of line, you kicked me out, I lived on the street, and I came back home."

Bree: "We'll need a name for this drama camp."

Gabrielle's Front Lawn

Dozens of people rifle through the items in a garage sale Gabrielle is having on her front lawn.

Gabrielle: "We got ties here, people! Designer ties, two for a dollar! Ooh, do you like those barbells? Make me an offer. I'm feeling generous. Here's the customer I've been waiting for."

Carlos drives up and walks up to Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, I see you got my flier."

Carlos: "You're having a garage sale featuring menswear and sporting equipment."

Gabrielle: "I need cash, and you don't expect me to sell my stuff, do you?"

Carlos: "Those are my good cuff links! Those are my CDs! Oh, my God, this is my baby blanket. My mamá knitted this!"

Gabrielle: "And it pains me to sell it. It's just that my lawyer told me what you're offering for spousal support, and I can't get by on that."

Carlos: "Hey, I am doing the best that I can. I've got a few deals in the pipeline, but I'm not making near as much as I used to."

Gabrielle: "Som I should be punished? Attention, shoppers, for the next twenty minutes, free golf club with every purchase!"

Carlos: "Gaby, I'm trying to be civil, but if you don't knock it off right now, I swear, the gloves are coming off."

Gabrielle: "Oh, honey, the gloves aren't just off. They're seventy percent off! Get your cashmere gloves!"

Lynette's House

Lynette comes down the stairs and sees Parker pouring himself a glass of orange juice.

Lynette: "Hey, Parker, where's your uniform? You got your game in an hour."

Parker: "No, I don't. I quit."

Lynette: "What?"

Parker: "I hate baseball. Daddy said I don't have to play it anymore."

Lynette: "Well, daddy should have checked with mommy, so she could have a chance to tell him why he's wrong. Hey, you're playing."

Parker: "But, mom, I suck! Everybody says so. That's why they made up a fake position for me."

Lynette: "It is not fake. There is not a team I know that could get along without their backup far right fielder. Okay, come on, let's go practice."

Outside

Lynette: "All right, let's try it again. Nice and easy. Watch the ball hit the bat. You ready? You can do it. Here we go. Okay, Parker, I keep telling you, you gotta keep your eyes open. How are you gonna hit the ball when you're doing this?"

Parker: "You threw it too fast. Throw slower."

Lynette: "If I threw any slower, we would be bowling."

Tom walks up.

Tom: "Hey. Hey, whatcha guys doing?"

Lynette: "I'll tell you what we're not doing. Quitting."

Tom: "Oh, hey, buddy, did you change your mind?"

Parker: "No."

Tom: "Lynette, I told him that he didn't have to play anymore."

Lynette: "He's got five more games in the season. He made a commitment. He's gonna see it through."

Tom: "But, Lynette, he doesn't like it and if you haven't noticed, he kind of sucks."

Lynette: "Yeah, well, that's not the point. What kind of message are we sending if we let him quit whenever the going gets rough?"

Tom: "Honey, it is kids' baseball. It's a way to kill three hours before they eat pizza. Why you being such a hard-ass?"

Lynette: "Well, it's called parenting, Tom. Watch and learn. Okay, P-Dog, this is a curveball."

She throws the ball and Parker lets out a yell as it hits him.

Lynette: Again, opening the eyes. Can't stress it enough."

Ian's Cabin

Susan is washing the dishes as Ian dries them.

Susan: "Are you sure it's okay if we stay another day?"

Ian: "Well, let's see. What excuse did we use when we had this conversation yesterday?"

Susan: "That we work hard and we deserve to relax."

Ian: "No, I believe that was last Thursday's rationale."

Susan: "Fresh air is good for us?"

Ian: "Ah, Tuesday."

Susan: "Okay, here's one. Julie needs to spend more time bonding with her father."

Ian: "Brilliant!"

Susan: "If we keep this up, we could stay here till Christmas."

Ian: "You know, sometimes when you smile like that, that really makes me think that, that..."

Susan: "What? What were you gonna say?"

Ian: "Well, it makes me think that I could love you. I don't mean love in the swooning schoolboy sense, you know, fireworks exploding, bells ringing. To me, it's, it's about this: A mundane task that's suddenly a joy because of who you're doing it with. That's love to me. Someone to fluff while you fold, someone to whisper to at a boring party, someone to, to...."

Susan steps up to him and puts her finger on his mouth to quiet him.

Susan: "Shh. Do you mind? You're kind of drowning out the bells."

Ian: "So I am."

Hospital Mike's Room

Edie sits next to Mike's bed feeding him jello.

Mike: "I think I can feed myself now."

Edie: "Mm, you said that yesterday, and I wound up with a cleavage full of pudding. You heard the therapist. It's gonna be weeks before you're up and running."

Mike: "I just wanna get home, unpack."

Edie: "You just let home come to you, okay? The whole street's dying to see you. Bree is even bakin' you a peach pie."

Mike: "She's the redhead, right?"

Edie: "Right."

Mike: "Husband's a doctor. Rex."

Edie: "Rex is dead."

Mike: "Really? When did that happen?"

Edie: "A year and a half ago."

Mike: "What?"

Edie: "Yeah. You were at his funeral."

Mike: "What are you talking about? That's not possible. I just met him right before my accident."

Edie: "Mike, what year is it?"

Mike: "Two thousand four. Why?"

Later, the doctor is talking to Edie.

Dr. Craig: "It's called retrograde memory loss. It's caused by the swelling in the frontal lobe damage. You say he's lost two whole years?"

Edie: "Yeah. Is that unusual?

Dr. Craig: "Patients more typically lose several weeks. The damage may be more severe than we thought."

Edie: "Well, do you think he'll get his memory back?"

Dr. Craig: "He might, at least partially. You could be of some assistance with that."

Edie: "How?"

Dr. Craig: "Bring him some personal belongings, photos, letters. He's gonna need some help to remember what he can't."

Edie: "Oh, I'm sure I could fill in a few blanks."

Little League Ballpark

Lynette and Tom are watching Parker's baseball game.

Lynette: "Hey, did I tell you that, uh, Burnham Fox is looking for a new creative director?"

Tom: "PR? What makes you think I wanna work for a PR firm?"

Lynette: "Easy hours, big paycheck, access to great parties. Yeah, what was I thinking?"

Tom: "Honey, we agreed that I would chase my dreams. And that ain't it."

Lynette: "Look, I was just making conversation."

Umpire: "Batter up!"

Kid: "Is he up?"

Kid: "Oh, come on!"

Lynette: "Come on, Parker! Keep your eye on the ball!"

Umpire: "Strike one!"

The crowd grumbles.

Lynette: "Hey, people, he's just a kid, okay? Come on."

Umpire: "Strike two!"

Some of the kids in the crowd begin to boo.

Lynette: "Hey, hey, that is not helpful."

Tom: "It only takes one, Parker! Only takes one!"

Kid: "Come on, Parker!"

Woman: "It's not your son's fault. He's just up against the best pitcher in the league."

Lynette: "Yeah, guy's a machine. Who is that kid?"

Woman: "Nicky Abbott. He's a neighbor of mine."

Lynette: "The kid's got an arm like a thirteen-year-old."

Woman: "Strike three! You're out!"

Tom: "I'm gonna go buy him an ice cream."

Tom leaves. Parker walks back to the dugout.

Lynette: "It's okay, P-dog. You're gonna get 'em the next inning!" (to the woman sitting next to her) "So tell me, what else do you know about this Nicky kid?"

Later, Lynette catches up to Nicky at the concession stand outside the baseball field.

Vendor: "You're short fifty cents."

Nicky: "Please, that's all I got."

Lynette: "Hey, give the kid what he wants."

She hands the vendor some money. The vendor hands Nicky cotton candy.

Nicky: "Thanks. Hey, aren't you, uh, Parker Scavo's mom?"

Lynette: "That's right. Come. Walk with me."

The two of them walk together as Nicky eats the cotton candy.

Lynette: "So, money's a little tight, huh?"

Nicky: "A little."

Lynette: "Yeah, I heard your old man's out of work. That's gotta be tough."

Nicky: "Yeah, they, uh, cut my allowance."

Lynette: "No! A kid's gotta have an allowance. How else you gonna buy the things you want, right? Like that cotton candy. That's a little piece of heaven, huh? Hey, I got an idea. Maybe we could help each other out. My son's having a little trouble hitting the ball."

Nicky (laughs): "Yeah, I saw that."

Lynette: "Yeah. Ever seen one of these?"

She pulls out a fifty-dollar bill.

Outside Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle pulls into her driveway and sees Carlos leaning against his car, waiting for her.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, what are you doing here? I mean, besides lowering my property value."

Carlos: "I had a little news and I wanted to see your face when I delivered it."

Gabrielle: "Oh."

Carlos: "I'm tired of fighting, so I called my lawyer and told him to give in to your demands for spousal support."

Gabrielle: "Really? Wow. Well, thank you. Okay, you've seen my face. Now you can beat it."

Carlos: "Wait. There's more. Since I'm gonna be giving you all that money, I have to cut back on some stuff, like the rent on my apartment. But the good news is, according to my lawyer, I'm completely within my rights to do this."

He opens his trunk and pulls out a suitcase.

Carlos: "Honey, I'm home."

Gabrielle: "Wait! You can't stay here!"

Carlos: "Now there's the face that I was looking for."

He walks inside.

Little League Ballpark

Umpire: "Batter up!"

Parker walks up to the plate. Nicky pitches.

Umpire: "Strike one!"

Woman: "Wow, that was kind of slow. His arm must be getting tired."

Lynette: "Yeah, well, after all those fastballs. Come on, Parker! You can do it!"

Umpire: "Strike two!"

Lynette gives Nicky a look. He shrugs at her, indicating that it's not his fault. He pitches again and this time, Parker hits it.

Lynette: "Oh, my God! Yes!"

The ball heads straight towards Nicky and hits him in the forehead. He falls to the ground. His teammates, coach, and parents rush up to him. As Lynette and Tom watch, Nicky's mom pulls out the fifty-dollar bill and Nicky points in Lynette's direction. Everyone on the field turns to look at Lynette. She grabs Tom's hand and they run off the field.

High School

The Hodge family is at the history fair at Danielle's school. Bree sees Danielle's history teacher.

Bree: "Mr. Faladi."

Mr. Faladi: "Yes?"

Bree: "I cannot thank you enough for getting Danielle interested in history. She has never worked so hard on a project before."

Mr. Faladi: "Well, don't tell anyone, but she is my favorite student. Oh, and it's so good to see that Andrew's back. Where's he been all this time?"

Bree: "Drama camp. A very prestigious drama camp."

In a different part of the room, Andrew stands by one of the history fair entries. A man walks up and looks at the same entry, then smiles at Andrew.

Man: "Do I know you?"

Andrew: "Yeah, uh, you gave me a ride in your black sedan once. You know, the one with the reclining seats?"

The man gets a horrified expression on his face and leaves quickly, bumping into Orson.

Man: "Excuse me."

Orson: "Yeah."

Orson walks up to Andrew.

Orson: "Wasn't that Dr. Keck? You know him?"

Andrew: "Yeah. Yeah, we, uh, met at drama camp."

Orson: "Oh, good lord. You mean you..."

Andrew: "Yeah. I, uh, performed for him once."

Orson: "Are you all right?"

Andrew: "I'll be all right. I'm fine."

Orson: "Howard Keck? You sure? I mean, he's a very respected member of the community."

Andrew: "Yeah, well, they all were."

Bree's House

Orson is building a fire in the fireplace when Bree walks in and sits down on the couch.

Bree: "What were you and Andrew talking about today at the fair?"

Orson: "Uh, nothing. I was gonna make some cocoa. Would you like some?"

Bree: "Orson, I saw the two of you whispering right after Dr. Keck ran off. What happened?"

Orson: "Look, Andrew asked me not to say anything, but I don't want there to be any secrets between us, so please don't let him know I told you."

Bree: "Well, of course not. What is it?"

Orson: "How to put this? Uh, when Andrew was on the street, he, uh, he didn't just beg for money. At times, he, well, he did things to earn it."

Bree: "Oh, good. I mean, I'd hate to think he had no work ethic at all. "

Orson: "Uh, what I mean is, men hired him, uh, to, uh, do things. Things he wasn't very proud of."

Bree: "Yard work?"

Orson: "Afraid not."

Bree: "Orson, you're scaring me. Did he do something awful?"

Orson: "No! No. Not awful. I mean, people do it all the time. I do it with you. I just don't pay you for it."

Bree gasps.

Orson: "I think someone could use a cocoa."

Later, in the kitchen, Orson finishes making the cocoa.

Orson: "Look, we mustn't judge Andrew. He was desperate."

Bree: "I'll never forgive myself. It's all my fault for pushing him away."

Orson: "Bree, don't do that to yourself. The important thing now is that he's home and he's safe."

Bree: "How does this Dr. Keck fit into all of this? I mean, is he treating Andrew for some awful disease?"

Orson: "Actually, I think he was one of Andrew's clients."

Bree: "Howard Keck? Oh, that's ridiculous. He's got a wife and a daughter. He plays on Tom Scavo's bowling team."

Orson: "Well, that's clearly not the only team he plays for."

Bree: "This is a nightmare, an absolute nightmare."

Orson takes out a knife to cut into a pie cooling on the counter.

Bree: "Please don't cut into that pie. I made it for Mike."

Orson: "Mike. Delfino?"

Bree: "Yes. I left you two messages. Didn't you check your voice mail? He woke up from his coma."

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle, Lynette, and Bree are having coffee at Gabrielle's kitchen table.

Gabrielle: "Who is it? It is Sharla Banning?"

Bree: "I'm not telling who it is. I'm just asking the question. If you know a husband has been unfaithful, do you tell the wife?"

Lynette: "Absolutely. If he's cheating, he could bring home a disease."

Bree: "Okay, that's what I was thinking. I mean, that's how Bunny Connors got Chlamydia."

Gabrielle: "She told me she got it from wearing someone else's bathing suit."

Lynette:: "No, that's how she got crabs."

Gabrielle: Poor Bunny. It's always something. If it's not the clap, it's a botched face-lift."

Bree: "Be that as it may, do we all agree that I should tell this man's wife?"

Gabrielle: "I wouldn't. Women always say they wanna know if their husband's cheating, and they always resent the person who tells them."

Lynette: "So if Tom was cheating, you wouldn't tell me?"

Gabrielle: "No! But I would hire someone to beat the crap out of him."

Lynette: "Aw, you're sweet."

Carlos walks into the kitchen wearing a shirt and underwear but no pants. He walks to the refrigerator.

Gabrielle: Bree, I'm sorry. I think you gotta follow your heart on this one, even if it isn't the easiest thing to do."

Bree: "Gaby, are you and Carlos getting back together?"

Gabrielle: "Why?"

She points to Carlos, who's bending over as he looks in the fridge.

Gabrielle: "Uh, would you excuse me?"

She gets up from the table and goes over to him.

Gabrielle: "What are you doing? I told you I was having friends over!"

Carlos: "I'm thirsty! And this is my kitchen, too. Hey, ladies!"

Gabrielle: "Oh, for God sakes, put some pants on!"

Carlos: "Well, I wanted to. But somebody threw my laundry out of the dryer while it was still wet."

Gabrielle: "Don't act like you didn't deserve that."

Carlos: "What are you talking about?"

Gabrielle: "You peed in my shampoo. Admit it!"

Carlos: "What?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah, the cap was loose, and I know how your sick mind works."

Carlos: "Oh, really? Well, in that case, you should know that if I was gonna do something like that, I wouldn't do it to your shampoo. I would do it to your mouthwash, soup, and decaffeinated coffee. Ladies."

He leaves and Gabrielle sits back down at the table.

Gabrielle: "To answer your question, no, we are not getting back together."

The three ladies pick up their coffee cups, hesitate, then put them all down without drinking from them.

Ian's Cabin

Susan and Ian are lying in bed together, listening to music.

Susan: "I love this music. What's it about?"

Ian: "Making love, regret, cigarettes."

Susan: "Cigarettes?"

Ian: "That's what I assume. It's French. They write what they know."

Susan: "I'd love to go to France someday."

Ian turns off the music.

Ian: "Would you like to go next month?"

Susan: "Are you serious?"

Ian: "Yeah, I'm going on business. Come with me."