Desperate Housewives - Episode 03.03 - A Weekend in the Country

Fairview Airport

Bree and Orson are waiting for their honeymoon flight to Bermuda. Orson is reading a brochure about Bermuda.

"Orson Hodge dreamed of the perfect honeymoon. Indeed, he'd begun planning it the moment Bree Van de Kamp agreed to marry him."

Orson's Fantasy

Bree and Orson are flying first class, clinking their glasses of champagne.

"They'd start by flying first class..."

Orson's Fantasy

Bree and Orson are entering a fancy hotel room.

"...to an exclusive five star hotel..."

Orson's Fantasy

Bree and Orson are relaxing by an Olympic size pool.

"...where they'd spend their days relaxing by the pool."

Orson's Fantasy

Bree and Orson are making love on a circular bed.

"...and their nights making love."

Orson's Fantasy

Orson is carrying Bree into their home, puts her down and they kiss.

"And when they returned home, their perfect honeymoon would continue forever."

Present Day - Fairview Airport

Orson stares lovingly at Bree.

Orson: "Mrs. Hodge."

Bree: "Yes, Mr. Hodge."

Orson: "Do you have any idea how happy we're going to be?"

Bree: "I don't need to be any happier than I am already at this very second." (they kiss) "Oh, my goodness, there's only fifteen minutes before our plane. If you want that latte, you should go now."

Orson: "That's a good idea."

Orson leaves. Bree looks up at the TV mounted on the wall.

Reporter: "The population of teenagers continues to climb. This is Andrew. Andrew?"

Bree sees Andrew being interviewed as a homeless person on TV. She gets up and approaches the TV.

Reporter: "What is it like to live on the streets?"

Andrew: "It's not so bad. I mean, you know, sometimes people give you food. You can find a lot in the dumpsters. Ah, I mean, just last night I found almost a whole bucket of chicken that had hardly been touched."

Bree appears shocked as she sees Andrew lying in a cardboard box.

Reporter: "Andrew told me his heart wrenching story. An alcoholic mother. A father murdered by the woman's boyfriend. And a childhood shattered the day his mother abandoned him on the side of the road."

Bree: "Oh my god."

A woman sitting near Bree speaks up.

Woman: "I'll tell you one thing. Some people just should never be allowed to have children. Oh!"

As Orson approaches, Bree is gathering her stuff together.

Orson: "Darling, I got an extra one just in case you...Bree, what's the matter?"

Bree: "A reporter just did a story on homeless teens and my son was one of them."

Orson: "Oh, my god! Well, we'll call child welfare the minute we get to the resort."

Bree: "Orson, you can't imagine that we're still going!"

Orson: "Darling, the tickets are non-refundable."

Bree: "My son is eating out of dumpsters!"

Orson: "Well, yes! But think how much better you'll be able to deal with this crisis after a nice relaxing..."

Bree: "Orson! My child is in trouble. Don't make me choose between the two of you because believe me, you will lose! Now please, get your ass in gear!"

Bree walks away.

"It was at this moment that Orson realized that the honeymoon was over."

Orson drops the coffees and the Bermuda brochure into the trash can.

"In more ways than one."

Opening Credits

A suitcase is being packed on a bed.

"It was a holiday weekend on Wisteria Lane."

Another suitcase is being packed.

"And everyone was packing their bags..."

Another suitcase is being packed. A beautiful nightgown is being placed in it.

"...hoping to get away from it all."

Lynette's Porch

Lynette comes out carrying a suitcase with Tom following her.

Lynette: "No, no, you'll be fine."

Tom: "This is so unfair."

Lynette: "No, no. What's unfair is that we're slowly running out of money and you've barely even looked for a job. You're gonna have a good time, all right? I love you. Bye."

Lynette walks away.

"Lynette was getting away from growing tension in her marriage."

Gabrielle's Driveway

Gabrielle is talking on her cell phone while putting her suitcase into the trunk.

Gabrielle: "You can call it blackmail, Carlos, but the court calls it Spousal Support. So unless I get a check by Monday, your shower buddies from jail will be throwing you a Welcome Back party."

Gabrielle hangs up as Lynette approaches.

"Gabrielle was getting away from an increasingly bitter divorce."

Lynette: "Hi. I'm ready."

Susan's Living Room

Susan is finishing her packing and talking on the phone. Julie is working on a scale model of a town.

Susan: "So that's my number in case there's any change in Mike's condition. I'm going to the mountains with a friend. And, uh, just in case you were wondering, it's strictly platonic."

Julie: "He wasn't wondering."

"Susan was getting away from mounting guilt."

Bree's Kitchen

Bree is on the phone.

Bree: "So you can't tell me anything about my son's whereabouts?"

"And then there was Bree, who had just learned there are some problems...."

Bree: "Fine!"

Bree hangs up and walks into the living room where Orson and Danielle are.

".. you can't run away from."

Bree: "Some reporter. All she could tell me is what neighborhood they found him in. They don't have any contact information, no phone number, no address."

Orson: "Well, dear, if he had an address, he wouldn't be homeless."

Danielle: "This really blows! I am this close to becoming Homecoming Queen and now I'm going to be that creepy girl whose brother is a pathetic street junkie."

Bree: "You know you could show a little compassion. Your brother is out there on the streets struggling to survive!"

Danielle: "And whose fault is that?"

Danielle leaves the room.

Bree: "She's right. This is all my fault."

Orson: "You can't blame yourself. No parent can stop a child who's determined to run away."

Bree: "He didn't run away. I kicked him out."

Orson: "You what?"

Bree: "I left him on the roadside with some money and his clothes. I didn't tell you because I was afraid of what you'd think of me."

Orson: "You did what you had to do. I just wish you'd said something sooner." (hugging Bree) "You know there's nothing you can't tell me. I don't want there to be any secrets between us."

Bree: "There won't be, not anymore."

Bree and Orson walk toward the front door through the living room. Danielle is sitting there reading.

Danielle: "You know, Andrew is not the only one having a rough year. I'm the one whose boyfriend got shot right in front of her."

Bree (to Orson): "We'll talk in the car."

Sinclair Hotel and Spa

Gabrielle and Lynette are on tables outside under silk tents being massaged.

Gabrielle: "Don't you love this? Oh, God bless Tom for taking the kids camping."

Lynette: "Mmm hmm."

Gabrielle: "This is exactly what we needed. Especially after everything I've been through lately. I am all about relaxing and rejuvenating..."

Lynette: "Gaby!"

Gabrielle: "Yeah?"

Lynette: "Could you be all about shutting up?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, I'm sorry."

Lynette: "Thanks."

Gabrielle's cell phone rings.

Lynette: "Please don't tell me you brought your cell phone."

Gabrielle: "I'm sorry. It's just that I'm waiting for Carlos' lawyer to call. Spousal support has gotten ugly." (answering) "Hello. Oh hi Tom!"

Lynette: "No, no, no, no!"

Gabrielle: "Yeah!"

Lynette: "No!"

Gabrielle: "She's right here." (handing the phone to Lynette) "Did you say something?"

Lynette (into the phone): "Hey."

Camp Site

Tom is lying flat on his back and the kids are running around the tent.

Tom: "Honey, I know it's your weekend away but it's my damn back. I threw it out again."

Lynette: "So?"

Tom: "So, I can barely sit up. The kids are running wild. I need you come up here."

Lynette: "Oh, well why don't you take a muscle relaxant?"

Tom: "Honey, I've already taken two. They're not making a dent."

Lynette: "Well, why don't you give them to the kids?"

Tom: "Lynette!"

Lynette: "Please, Tom, please! Don't do this to me!"

Tom (yelling): "Parker! For the last time put down the damn axe!"

Lynette: "Oh, all right. Yeah, yeah. I will be there as soon as I can." (hanging up) "God, I hate my life."

Gabrielle: "I know. I wouldn't trade with you for anything."

Ian's Cabin in the Country

Ian is unpacking groceries.

Susan: "Ah, wow, look at the view! Oh. Don't you just love when the leaves change color?"

Ian: "Well, that's why I suggested this. So we could hang out for the weekend and enjoy the, um..." (looking at Susan's butt) "...scenery."

Susan: "Yep, scenery's great. So, um, maybe I should unpack. Where should I do that?"

Ian: "Well, there are, there are two bedrooms. One is mine and there's a guest room."

Susan: "Oh. A guest room. That's, well, that's handy."

Ian: "Yeah. Unless, of course, you'd like to sleep in my room. In which case, I would take the guest room."

Susan: "Oh, ah, no, no. I should take the guest room because I am the guest."

Ian: "Yeah, well, it's up the stairs and at the end of the hall."

Ian's Cabin - Guest Room

Susan opens her suitcase. She pulls out many, many condoms.

Ian's Cabin - Ian's Room

Ian opens his suitcase. He pulls out Susan's silky nightgown and quickly puts it back.

Ian: "Ah. Susan, I, um, I think I have your suitcase."

Susan comes in carrying the case.

Susan: "Yeah. And I think I have yours."

Ian: "So, um, did you happen to see the um..."

Susan: "Yeah. And did you notice..."

Ian: "Hard to miss."

They each push the suitcases across the bed, trading them.

Ian: "Well, I'm just gonna..."

Susan: "Hide pathetically in your room?"

Ian: "Uh huh."

Susan: "Me too."

Susan runs out with her suitcase.

Lynette's House

Lynette pulls up in a cab. Nora, with her suitcase, is sitting on the porch.

Nora: "Hey Lynette."

Lynette: "What are you doing here?"

Nora: "Kayla called and she told me about Tom's back and my car got impounded again, so I thought that I'd hitch a ride with you."

Lynette: "Hitch? You mean, like, we're gonna be driving in the car together?"

Nora: "Well, you could strap me to the front bumper, but, uh, yeah, I'd be more comfortable inside."

Lynette opens her trunk

Lynette: "Ah, it's like an eight-hour drive."

Nora: "So?"

Lynette puts her bags in the trunk and tries to close it quickly.

Lynette: "Um, how far is the impound lot because, you know, I would just drive you over there..."

As Lynette closes the trunk, Nora puts her bag inside.

Nora: "What's your problem, Lynette?"

Lynette: "I don't have a problem. I just don't think we both need to go up there. I can grab Kayla and bring her back."

Nora: "Oh, I see your plan. You just wanna go charging up there on your white horse and save everyone. And then I get to be the rotten mother who didn't give a rat's ass and stayed home eating bon-bons. No."

Sinclair Hotel and Spa

Gabrielle is sitting at a table in the hotel dining room by herself.

"Due to Lynette's sudden departure..."

A waiter pours wine into a glass for her.

Gabrielle: "Thank you."

"Gabrielle was forced to spend the last night of her spa vacation alone, but she didn't mind. In fact, she looked forward to a quiet dinner alone with her thoughts."

Gabrielle looks around the dining room and sees nothing but affectionate couples.

"Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her thoughts quickly turned to her impending divorce and the empty house she'd soon return to."

Hotel Gardens

Gabrielle is walking by herself. A couple walks by arm in arm.

"And she began to resent the happy couples she was seeing everywhere."

Gabrielle: "What is this, freaking Noah's ark?"

John: "Wow, I guess it really is a small world."

Gabrielle: "Who's there? I can't see you."

John Rowland steps out from the bushes.

John: "You see me now?"

Skid Row Area

Bree is walking the streets, looking for Andrew. Bree passes by hookers talking to their clients. She sees a hooker adjusting her boot and walks up to her. The hooker turns and is obviously a transsexual.

Bree: "Excuse me, ma'am? I mean...miss. I'm looking for someone. Uh, his name is Andrew." (shows her a picture) "Have you seen him?"

Transsexual: "Hard to say, boo. I see a lot of lost boys his age. Good-looking one, though. Someone special?"

Bree: "Yes, very, and I'm worried sick about him."

Transsexual: "You might try the soup kitchen at St. Malachi's on Third."

Bree: "Oh, thank you, Miss..."

Transsexual: "Gates. Pearly Gates. 'Cause you can't get to heaven without going through me."

Bree: "How very saucy."

Ian's Cabin

Susan plays a quick scale on the piano. Ian comes in with two glasses of brandy.

Susan: "Great piano. Do you play?"

Ian: "Oh, no, I'm a, I'm a bit rusty. Jane loved to sing, so I'd play for her, but since the accident..."

Susan: "Right."

Susan follows Ian to the couch in front of the fireplace.

Susan: "So...brandy, a roaring fire, what could be more romantic?"

Ian: "Well, I can think of something."

Susan: "Wow, my heart is pounding."

Ian: "Uh, is that a bad thing? Consider the alternative."

Susan: "Your heart is beating even faster than mine."

Ian: "I guess I'm excited. It has been a while."

Susan: "Me, too."

Ian kisses her.

Susan: "So was that, uh, okay?"

Ian: "It was bloody fantastic. Of course, it's a bit different than what I'm used to."

Susan: "Different?"

Ian: "Well, I, I was with the same woman for a long time."

Susan: "Oh. But, I mean, you kissed other girls before that, right?"

Ian: "Sure, but most of them were twelve. As was I. I met Jane at a school dance and after we started dating, well, I never looked at anyone else."

Susan: "Are you saying that Jane is the only woman you ever..."

Ian: "Oh, God, I so didn't want to tell you that."

Susan: "Why not? I think that's adorable."

Ian: "Well, I don't want to be adorable. I want to be dashing and worldly and..."

Susan: "Oh, Ian. It's okay. Some people have a lot of lovers and some just a few. It doesn't matter."

Ian: "Well, seeing as it doesn't matter, where do you fall on that spectrum? "

Susan: "Huh?"

Ian: "You know, how many men have you been with?"

Susan: "Ian."

Ian: "Oh, I'm sorry. That was rude. I withdraw the question."

Susan: "It's not that it's rude. It's just immaterial. I mean, it's just a number. It doesn't mean anything."

Ian: "Seeing as it doesn't mean anything..."

Susan: "Ian!"

Ian: "Well, you know my number. It's only fair. Is it more than three?"

Susan: "Nine."

Ian: "Please tell me you were answering in German."

Susan: "Nine lovers is not a lot! Nine lovers does not make me a slut!"

Ian: "Why are you getting upset?"

Susan: "Because it was really eleven and I knocked off two and you're still judging me."

Ian: "I'm not judging you. It's just did you work in the recording industry?"

Susan: "Okay, just so you know eleven is not a lot for a woman my age."

Ian: "How old are you?"

Susan: "What is this, the Gallup Poll?"

Susan starts going upstairs.

Ian: "Where are you going?"

Susan: "To bed, alone. You know, it's something that I've always wanted to try, but I've just never gotten around to."

Sinclair Hotel Gardens

Gabrielle and John are walking around.

John: "So, they liked the landscaping I did here so much that they hired my company to do the whole Sinclair Hotel chain."

Gabrielle: "Your company? You have a company now? Oh, my gosh, when I met you, all you had was a bike."

John: "Well, not only that, the, uh, Gardening Channel's approached me about hosting my own show. I mean, we're still in the talking stages, but...what?"

Gabrielle: "Nothing. I just, I can't get over how mature and confident you are. You've really changed."

John: "Thanks. I was hoping you'd notice."

Gabrielle: "So, I guess, uh, there's no chance of getting you over to the house to pick the dead leaves off my fichus."

John: "Yeah, you know, I'm kind of past that. Besides, I don't think Mr. Solis would approve."

Gabrielle: "Actually, we're getting a divorce."

John: "Wow, um, I'm, I'm really sorry to hear that."

Gabrielle: "Really? Then why are you smiling?"

John: "I don't know. Why are you? Gabrielle, it's really great to see you."

Gabrielle: "Gabrielle. I think that's the first time you've ever called me that."

John: "Well, um, I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay."

Gabrielle: "I intend to."

Gabrielle pulls John toward her and begins kissing him.

Lynette's Car

Lynette is driving with Nora in the passenger seat. Nora is eating sunflower seeds, spitting the seeds into an ashtray cup.

Nora: "Your cuppy thing is full. Do you mind if I put this in your glove compartment?"

Lynette: "Yeah, I do mind. I mind deeply."

Nora: "Jeez-a-marooni. I'll just get rid of 'em."

Nora throws the seeds out the window and they come flying back all over the interior of the car.

Lynette: "Oh, that's delightful. That's delightful. Maybe it'll just soak up the cream soda you spilled."

Nora: "Why do you always pick on me? It's like your new favorite game is 'finding fault with Nora.'"

Lynette: "No, my favorite game is counting all the things I'm dying to say to you, but I don't. Like 'Pipe down, you annoying nut job.' I'd never say that."

Nora: "You think I'm crazy."

Lynette: "No! You're colorful. Colorful in a way that might respond to medication."

Nora: "Well, you know, there's levels of crazy, Lynette. I mean, there are people like me who just have a big personality. Then there are the kind of people who do things like this!"

Nora grabs the steering wheel and steers them into oncoming trafffic. Lynette pulls the car back into her lane.

Lynette: "Ah! Oh, my God! Knock it off! What is the matter with you?! What is wrong with you? What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Nora: "Oh, lighten up. Come on, it was a joke."

Lynette: "No, well, it wasn't funny. If you wanna kill yourself, fine, but don't take me with you."

Nora: "Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't ya? You'd really like that, if I killed myself."

Lynette: "That is not what I'm saying. But if you did, I'd find a way to carry on."

Nora: "Pull over."

Lynette: "Oh, lighten up. It's a joke."

Nora: "Pull the car over."

Lynette: "Nora."

Nora: "Pull it over! Pull over, or I will jump out of this car."

Nora starts opening the door. Lynette begins to pull over.

Lynette: "All right, all right, all right, all right. I'm pulling over! Jeez! What the hell are you doing?"

Nora: "Hitching my way to the campsite!"

Lynette: "Nora! You can't be serious!"

Nora: "Shut up! Just get out of my face! I'm not talking to you!"

Nora walks into the middle of the street. She starts flagging a truck down.

Lynette: "All right, now look, you've gone from crazy to stupid. This guy could be dangerous."

Nora: "Well, then, it's your lucky day, huh, Lynette?"

The truck driver honks.

Nora: "Shut up!"

Lynette: "See? This is what you do. You just manipulate. You wormed your way into my family. You conned your way into coming on this trip with me, and now you wanna force me into saving you. Well, forget it! You wanna go, go."

Nora lets out a scream of frustration, then runs and gets into the truck. The truck honks twice as it drives away.

Susan's Kitchen

Julie is on the phone while working on her science project, which is a replica of a town with electricity.