DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - 03. 19 - GOD, THAT'S GOOD

(formatted by Amanda)

Mary Alice: "It was late on a Tuesday night when the power went out all over Fairview. For most of the residents, it was a minor inconvenience. But for those with secrets, the darkness proved quite useful indeed. Millie Russell was able to indulge in another night of midnight binging. Timmy Cooper was able to sneak another peek at his father's adult magazines. Marilyn Quinn was able to steal a few more puffs of her forbidden tobacco. But these secrets paled compared to the one a certain old woman was hiding in her basement."

Mrs. McCluskey walks down the steps of her basement while talking on her portable phone.

Mrs. McCluskey: "You sit tight, Ida. I got batteries here. No, I keep them in the freezer for just such an emergency.

She opens her freezer to take out the batteries. Her frozen dead husband is still there.

Mrs. McCluskey: "I'll run 'em over to you. By the way, you wouldn't happen to have any extra ice laying around, would ya? No, I've just got some stuff in my freezer I don't want thawing out anytime soon."

Mary Alice: "Yes, as a rule, darkness helps us keep our secrets safely hidden."

Mrs. McCluskey stumbles and falls down the stairs.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Oh, crap! "

Mary Alice: "But every rule. . ."

The fallen phone lies near Mrs. McCluskey's unconscious body. Ida's voice comes through the speaker.

Ida: "Karen, what's happened? Are you okay?"

Mary Alice: "...has its exceptions."

OPENING CREDITS

Mary Alice: "When the lights went out on Wisteria Lane, Karen McCluskey wasn't the only resident left in the dark. Everyone else felt the pain of going without power as well."

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Susan is rooting through her kitchen drawers. Ian is sitting at the table.

Susan: "Ow! Damn! Thumbtack! "

Ian: "Susan, please let me help."

Susan: "No, no, I got it. Oh, wait. Here we go."

She finds a box of matches and lights one, using its light to help her continue to search through the drawers.

Ian: "But it's hardly a long-term solution."

Susan: "Well, at least it'll keep me from stabbing myself while I look."

Ian: "But this is silly. Why don't we just borrow a flashlight from Mike?"

Susan: "Mike?"

Ian: "He's a plumber. He's bound to have a spare."

Susan: "Sure, but we can't keep leaning on him for everything. "Mike, we're drowning. Save us." "Mike, it's dark. Give us a flashlight." Let's go ask Gaby."

Ian: "Actually, I wanted to talk to him anyway. I thought we might ask him over for dinner."

Susan: "Dinner?"

Ian: "You know, as a, as a thank you gesture."

Susan: "Well, Ian, you've tasted my cooking. It's not a thank you. It's revenge."

Ian: "Well, then I'll cook. You know, you told me I should put my jealousy behind me. I think breaking bread together would be a great start."

Susan: "Well, let's not bother him tonight. You know, I don't really even need a flashlight. My eyes have totally adjusted to the dark."

She moves her arm and knocks over something made of glass, which crashes onto the floor.

Ian: "What was that?"

Susan: "Don't walk in the kitchen. Anyway, where is your sense of romance? It's a blackout. You have a defenseless lady. Getting any ideas?"

Ian: "Well, I-I-I'm starting to, yes. It's funny. All that time I wasted worrying Mike would come between us--it seems so laughable now, doesn't it?"

Susan: "Kiss me."

MIKE'S HOUSE

Mike walks down the hallway to where Carlos sleeps.

Hey, Carlos, we had a blackout. You need a flashlight? Carlos, you okay?

He opens up Carlos's door. Carlos is sitting up in bed, naked from the waist down, the covers pulled up over his waist. Edie stands in her lingerie, hiding behind the door that Mike has open.

Mike: "Oh, uh, sorry, man. I thought I heard a thud."

Carlos: "I just, um, bumped into a chair. I didn't think that you were coming home till tomorrow."

Mike: "Nah, fish weren't bitin'. So, uh...you got a girl in here?"

Carlos: "No. Why?"

Mike: "Oh, 'cause when I came home, I thought I heard sex noises."

Carlos: "No, that was just me."

Mike: "Okay. Night."

He leaves. Edie walks toward Carlos.

Carlos: "Oh, god, that was close."

Edie: "All this sneaking around is ridiculous! Mike and I dated for five minutes. He's not gonna care."

Carlos: "What if Travers finds out? Look, I don't want him to be confused, and until we figure out where this is going, I just think we should keep things on the down low."

Edie starts getting dressed.

Carlos: "Hey, I didn't say we had to stop. I just said we had to keep quiet. What?"

Edie: "I suppose we should tiptoe around like schoolchildren so our parents don't catch us doing it? I feel like I'm twelve again."

Carlos: "I'm just saying, I don't think that the whole world needs to know our...twelve?"

Edie: "Okay, look...I will find us another place to rendezvous. But I'm not gonna skulk around forever."

Carlos: "And no one's asking you to. I respect you too much for that."

Edie starts to go out the door. Carlos stops her and gestures toward the window.

Carlos: "If you don't mind. . ."

Edie: "Oh, for god sake. . ."

She climbs out the window.

SCAVO RESTAURANT

Lynette lights a candle and sets it down at one of the tables with two customers.

Lynette: "I'm gonna be right there. Here you go."

Male Customer: "So can you still cook with the power out?"

Lynette: "Of course! Absolutely! "

She heads back to the kitchen, where Rick is.

Lynette: "Please, please, tell me we can still make pizza."

Rick: "No dice. Some genius installed pizza ovens with electric starters."

Lynette: "Oh, this is awful. On a good night, we barely break even. Tonight is gonna kill the whole week."

Rick: "Not necessarily. The stovetop's gas. I bought pasta for the staff dinner. You give me ten minutes, I'll whip up a spaghetti carbonara that'll knock their socks off."

Lynette: "Oh, my god! You are a lifesaver! "

Rick: "And, uh, since it's not on the menu, you can charge whatever you want--say, twenty bucks?"

Lynette: "For pasta? Are you crazy?"

Rick: "Won't hurt to ask."

Lynette: "Oh, I don't wanna scare them away."

Rick: "Okay."

Lynette: "Okay."

Lynette heads back over to the couple at the table.

Lynette: "So...good news! Our chef is preparing his special spaghetti carbonara."

Female Customer: "Ooh, yummy! "

Lynette: "And we're offering that for twelve dollars."

Male Customer: "Great! "

Lynette: "For the appetizer portion. The entrée is twenty."

Male Customer: "Fine."

Lynette: "Two. Twenty-two. Two."

Male Customer: "Okay."

ELEVATOR

Gabrielle and Victor are stuck in an elevator in complete darkness.

Gabrielle: "Shouldn't there be an emergency light? Sometimes in these elevators there's a. . ."

Victor: "Ta-da! "

Victor opens a small door in the elevator and a strong light from inside comes on.

Gabrielle: "Well, aren't you clever?"

Victor: "I'll just call hotel security and let 'em know we're--"

Gabrielle: "No, wait! This is the first time I've had you to myself all night."

Victor: "I'm sorry. It's those fund-raisers. Everybody wants a piece of the candidate. What are you doing?"

Gabrielle: "Taking my piece."

She begins undressing him.

Victor: "Are you insane? We're in an elevator."

Gabrielle: "Exactly. Going down. . ."

Victor: "No! Come on. Cut it out. The power could come on at any moment."

Gabrielle: "I know. That's what makes it so exciting--the risk."

Victor: "But, uh, I-I'm kind of running for mayor here, remember?"

Gabrielle: "It's an elevator, silly. It has an emergency stop button. I don't."

She closes the door of the light and the elevator plunges back into darkness.

Gabrielle: "Oh, my god, that's amazing! What are you doing?"

Victor: "That's my phone. It's on vibrate."

Gabrielle: "Oh, god! "

The power suddenly comes back on revealing Victor and Gabrielle in a compromising position, clothes half off.

Gabrielle: "Oh, man, I was just starting to get into it."

Victor: "Less talking, more dressing."

A few minutes later, their elevator door opens and two firefighters are standing there.

Firefighter: "You two okay?"

Victor: "Yeah, fine, thanks."

Firefighter: "Must've gotten pretty hot in there."

Gabrielle: "You have no idea."

Victor and Gabrielle leave and the firefighters get on the elevator. In the corner ceiling of the elevator, a security camera's red light silently blinks, indicating it's recording.

OUTSIDE MRS. MCCLUSKEY'S HOUSE

Mrs. McCluskey is on a stretcher, being wheeled down the sidewalk by paramedics.

Ida: "Karen, don't worry about a thing. I'll collect your mail till you get back."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Well, how long is this blackout supposed to last?"

Ida: "Well, they say it may last for days."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Days?! Uh...hey, blondie, come here. Come here."

A paramedic comes over.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Hey, listen, I don't really need to go to the hospital. I'm fine."

Paramedic: "You fractured a rib, and you might have a concussion. You need looking after."

Mrs. McCluskey: "No, some of the stuff in my freezer might melt. How about I just run out and get some ice and then meet you at the hospital?"

Paramedic: "Ma'am, you can replace groceries."

Mrs. McCluskey: "You don't understand. Some of my groceries-- they-- they have sentimental value."

Paramedic: "Sorry."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Yeah, well, I don't need to ask your permission."

She starts to get up and the paramedic pushes her back down.

Paramedic: "Ma'am, no! "

Mrs. McCluskey: "Get your hands off me, you big ape! "

Paramedic: "Get the restraints."

Mrs. McCluskey: "I'm gonna sue your ass! "

The power suddenly comes back on. Mrs. McCluskey stops struggling.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Hey! Well, what are we waiting for? Get me to the hospital. I'm not a well woman."

The paramedic walks over to where Ida is standing.

Ida: "What was that all about?"

Paramedic: "Your friend's afraid the stuff in her freezer is gonna spoil."

Ida: "Oh, well, thank god the power's back on. Now she won't have to worry."

In Mrs. McCluskey's basement, a fuse blows and the freezer suddenly loses power again.

VICTOR'S HOUSE

Victor is reading the newspaper at breakfast. Gabrielle walks in carrying two plates of waffles.

Gabrielle: "I made you waffles! Eat 'em while they're hot. What?"

Victor: "Will you marry me?"

Gabrielle: "They're just toaster waffles."

Victor: "Ah, that was just the pre-proposal, actually. The real one will be much more romantic with a big diamond the size of a doorknob. But just so you're prepared, I do wanna marry you."

Gabrielle: "Well, just so you're prepared, consider this my pre-refusal."

Victor: "Come on. What's wrong? You're wearing my shirts. You burn my breakfast. You're here every night. It's like we're married already."

Gabrielle: "We're having a good time. Why risk ruining it?"

Victor: "See, what happened to the thrill seeker that seduced me in the elevator? She wouldn't be afraid of taking a little risk."

Gabrielle: "Oh, you don't wanna marry her. She's a tramp. Hold out for a good girl."

Victor: "No, no, no. I've found what I'm looking for. Come on. What gives?"

Gabrielle: "Look, Victor...getting divorced really kicked my ass. I'm sorry. Just...next time I get married, I've gotta be sure."

Victor: "Okay, I get it. I just wish there was a way I could prove how much I love and adore you."

Gabrielle: "Well, if you can choke down that lousy waffle I made you, that'd be a start."

He folds the waffle in half, then starts stuffing it in his mouth. Gabrielle laughs.

OUTSIDE SUSAN'S HOUSE

Ian and Susan are taking groceries out of her car. Ian looks across the street to where Mike is watering his front yard with a hose.

Ian: "Oh, there's Mike. Should we see if he's free Friday night?"

Susan: "Yeah. Yeah, why not? Sure. You know what? Do you wanna run this ice cream side before it melts?"

Ian takes the bag Susan gives him and goes inside. Susan runs over to Mike's.

Susan: "Look, Ian is going to come invite you to dinner Friday, and you are not--I repeat--not going to accept."

Mike: "Why is Ian inviting me to dinner?"

Susan: "He wants to thank you for saving us, and he wants to show that he's not jealous of you. How's that for irony?"

Mike: "I didn't plan to kiss you, but you didn't exactly resist."

Susan: "I was in shock."

Mike: "Why were you so upset when you mentioned Ian?"

Susan: "Because we had just had a fight...about you."

Mike: "Really? You talk about me a lot?"

Susan: "Mike, I am marrying Ian. We have hired a caterer. We are going with the salmon, so just back off! "

Ian walks up to them.

Mike: "Hey, Ian."

Susan: "Hi, Ian. I just asked Mike. He can't make it."

Mike: "Yeah, I'm sorry. I've got plans tonight."

Ian: "Oh, but didn't we say Friday?"

Mike: "Friday? Oh, Friday I'm wide open."

Ian: "Splendid! Shall we say seven thirty?"

Mike: "It's a date."

Ian and Susan walk away. Susan turns around to glare at Mike, who waves and smiles at her.

MRS. EPSTEIN'S HOUSE

Carlos and Edie walk up to Mrs. Epstein's house. She comes out the front door and hands Edie her keys.

Mrs. Epstein: "Edie! "

Edie: "Mrs. Epstein! "

Mrs. Epstein: "Listen, I'm late for my Hadassah meeting. Here's the key. Take your time. Oh, and don't be shy. Check out those closets. They're very spacious."

She leaves and Carlos and Edie go inside the house.

Carlos: "Edie, what are we doing here?"

Edie: "Checking out a house."

Carlos: "I told you, I'm not looking to buy right now."

Edie: "Well, who's talking about buying anything? I...am giving it away."

Carlos: "Edie, we cannot have sex in here. It's someone else's bed! That's just wrong! "

Edie: "Look, we can't use my place. We can't use yours. But I'll be damned if I am gonna pay for a hotel room when there are all of these empty houses all over town that I have the keys to."

Mary Alice: "Though reluctant at first, Carlos soon saw the wisdom in Edie's plan. Secret affairs are a lot like real estate. The three keys to success are location...location...location."

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

The kids are seated around the table and Lynette helps Tom sit down.

Tom: "Careful. I can't sit down that fast."

Lynette: "Sorry. I'm sorry. But it's gonna be worth it. Okay, so tell Tom the secret of your risotto."

Rick: "Well, I saute spinach and onions in white wine--"

Lynette: "No, no, the profit margin."

Rick: "Uh, basically, it costs a dollar to make--"

Lynette: "And we charge twenty dollars! Four people who would've shared a fifteen dollar pizza are now spending eighty bucks. Okay, kids, dig in! "

Tom: "There's just one little problem with that, Lynette."

Lynette: "Yeah?"

Tom: "Those families you're talking about have kids, and there's no kid that's gonna eat anything with spinach in it."

Lynette: "Um, Tom. . ."

She gestures to the kids, who are eating the risotto.

Lynette: "It's delicious, huh?"

Kids: "Mm-hmm! Oh, yeah! "

Lynette: "Yeah? Rick learned how to make this in italy. Go ahead. Try it. I wanna see what you think."

Tom: "It's good."

Porter: "It's awesome! "

Tom: "It's good."

Lynette: "But?"

Tom: "But it's just not us."

Lynette: "Us? What is us?"

Tom: "Look, we're a neighborhood pizza place. We serve pizza."

Porter: "I like this better. I'm getting bored of pizza."

Tom: "Porter, the adults are talking. Look, we serve good food at good prices. We're not looking to be the next, you know, trendy flash in the pan."

Rick: "That's--that's not what I'm looking for either. Um, see, my food-- it's not trendy. It's classic."

Tom: "Rick...obviously you're a great cook, and when you have your own place, I will definitely eat there, but I see no reason to change my menu."

Next to Tom, Penny pushes her plate forward.

Penny: "More, please! "

VICTOR'S HOUSE

A guy in his twenties knocks on Victor's front door. Gabrielle answers it.

Gabrielle: "Hi! Can I help you?"

Guy: "Uh, yeah, I'm here to see Mr. Lang."

Gabrielle: "He's not here. Is that for him?"

Guy: "Yeah. But it's very personal."

Gabrielle: "Okay."

Guy: "I don't think I should leave it with the maid."

Gabrielle: "Do I look like the maid? Give me that! "

She grabs the envelope from him and closes the door. Once she's alone, she opens the envelope. Inside are black-and-white photographs of Victor and Gabrielle, half-dressed in the elevator. With the pictures is a note that reads: "Victor Lang if you want the negatives, I demand $50,000! Do not call the police! I will contact you! "

Gabrielle rushes outside to where the guy is still walking down the sidewalk.

Gabrielle: "You! Blackmailer! "

Guy: "Oh, man, you weren't supposed to look! "

He begins to run and she chases after him. She catches up to him and jumps on his back. He falls to the ground and she grabs his hair and begins twisting his arm.

Guy: "Get off of me! Ow! "

Gabrielle: "No! Fifty thousand dollars? Are you insane?! "

Guy: "No, that's not for you to decide! "

Gabrielle: "I want all the negatives of those photos, or I start breaking fingers! "

Guy: "No, you can't break my fingers! Come on! Aah! "

Gabrielle: "Give me the pictures! "

A cop car drives by, sees them, and heads in their direction. The cops pull Gabrielle off the guy.

Cop: "Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, break it up! Break it up! Come on! Come on! "

Guy: "She's crazy! She's crazy! "

She kicks him.

Gabrielle: "That's for calling me a maid! "

Later, the guy is arrested and Gabrielle is talking with the cop.

Cop: "He works the hotel security monitors. That's how he got the photos."

Gabrielle: "That miserable cockroach. Well, if you wanna smack him around a little, I can go inside and turn up the radio."

Cop: "Again, no, thank you, but I will need those photos."

Gabrielle: "Oh, no, no, I'm gonna hang on to these. They're a little revealing."

Cop: "Ma'am, we can't charge him without evidence, and if he walks, he can do what he wants with the originals."

Gabrielle: "Okay...yeah. But guard them with your life. Yeah, especially that one."

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

The three boys are outside. Tom and Lynette are inside, arguing loudly.

Lynette: "We've been open for three months now, and we've barely turned a profit! "

Tom: "We are building a customer base! That takes time! "

Parker tosses the basketball he's holding to Preston. Preston tosses it back.

Parker: "Go on, ask her."

Preston: "No, you ask her! "

Inside the house, Lynette and Tom are still arguing.

"Why are you being so stubborn?"

"And you would rather see the restaurant fail than succeed with Rick's idea! "

"And I can't believe that you two are ready to toss out my concept! You know, why don't you just rename the restaurant "Lynette and Rick's"?"

Parker walks inside.

Parker: "Can we have fudgsicles?"

Tom and Lynette: "No! "

Parker leaves.

Tom: "Sorry, Lynette, but the menu is not changing. End of discussion."

Lynette: "I don't think so. I'm giving it a try."

Tom: "That's not your decision to make."

Lynette: "Yeah? Well, then why don't you come down to the restaurant and stop me? Oh, that's right. You can't."

Outside, Parker goes back up to the twins.

Parker: "I told you she'd say no."

Preston: "Mrs. McCluskey always has some fudgsicles."

Porter: "Yeah, but she's in the hospital."

They turn to look at Mrs. McCluskey's house and they all smile. Later, Parker climbs into Mrs. McCluskey's basement through an open window and goes over to the freezer. He opens it, pulls out the box of fudgsicles and takes one out. It's completely soft and it bends in his hands. He puts it back and then sees the dead body in there. His eyes open wide. A few minutes later, he leaves the house via the front door. The twins run up to him.

Porter: "Where's the ice cream?"

Parker: "She didn't have any."

Porter: "Oh, man! There wasn't anything good in there?"

Parker: "No."

The twins go back to the house. For a few minutes, Parker stands alone on Mrs. McCluskey's lawn, eyes still wide.

VICTOR'S HOUSE

Victor's press agent, Jerome, is looking at a newspaper with a headline that reads "Lang sexcapade caught on tape! "

Jerome: "What the hell were you thinking?"

Gabrielle: "How was I supposed to know the cops were gonna release the photos to the press?"