Desperate Housewives - Episode 03.07 - Bang

Friday

Carolyn Bigsby is sitting in her car.

"It was supposed to be an ordinary day for Carolyn Bigsby. She had planned to bake her husband a strudel, give her dog a bath, and water her African violets. Yes, Carolyn had planned to do all sorts of things she thought mattered. But earlier that day, a woman who wasn't her friend told Carolyn something she wasn't supposed to hear. From that moment on, Carolyn felt nothing really mattered anymore."

Carolyn enters the market as Susan leaves.

Susan: "Hello, Carolyn."

Carolyn: "Yeah, hey, how are you?"

Carolyn goes to the back of the store where Harvey, her husband, is.

Harvey: "Carolyn? What are you doing here?"

Carolyn: "I've been thinking, Harvey, that if you loved this Monique woman so much, maybe you should be with her."

Harvey: "For God sakes, Carolyn, she's dead."

Carolyn: "Yeah, I know."

Carolyn pulls out a gun and points it at Harvey. He runs away and she shoots. She follows him, still shooting. He runs into the manager's office.

"Yes, Carolyn Bigsby had planned on it being an ordinary day..."

Carolyn bangs on the door of the office.

Carolyn: "Harvey! You come out of there, damn it!"

"But as every housewife knows..."

Carolyn turns the gun on the other customers in the store.

Carolyn: "Down. Nobody goes anywhere."

"...plans change."

The Night Before

Lynette is sleeping in her bed.

Dream

"Lynette Scavo had a dream last night. It was one she'd had many times before. She dreamt of the last time she saw me and of the last time we spoke."

Lynette gets out of her car and sees Mary Alice standing on her lawn, staring down at a letter in her hand.

Lynette: "Hey! Mary Alice, are you okay?"

Mary Alice: "Yes, thank you. I'm fine."

Lynette: "Okay. See you later."

Lynette goes inside her house.

"It was still hard for Lynette to accept that this unremarkable exchange had been our last. Or that moments later, I would enter my house and put a bullet through my brain."

A shot is heard and Lynette wakes suddenly, sitting up in bed, breathing hard.

Friday Morning - Outside Susan's House

Lynette, Susan, and Gabrielle are standing in Susan's front yard, sipping coffee.

Lynette: "I had the Mary Alice dream again last night."

Gabrielle: "Oh, hon, again?"

Lynette: "I haven't had it for months. I don't know why it came back."

Susan: "Well, somebody just bought her old house. Maybe that triggered something."

Lynette: "It was awful, as always. I saw she was in pain, and I just walked away and..."

Susan: "There was nothing you could do."

Lynette: "And that's what I did, nothing."

A man comes out of the Young's old house.

Susan: "Hey, is that the new neighbor?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, he's cute!"

Lynette: "Edie said he's a bachelor..."

Gabrielle: "Keep talking."

Lynette: "...who lives with his invalid sister."

Gabrielle: "You can stop now."

Susan: "Should we go introduce ourselves?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah, let's give him the scoop on the neighborhood."

The women head towards the Young house.

Lynette: "Do you think he knows Mary Alice shot herself in his living room?"

The women stop walking.

Susan: "Then again, he probably wants some time to unpack."

They turn around and walk back to Susan's house.

Bree's House

Bree: "Orson? If you have a moment, there's something I'd like your thoughts on."

Orson: "Certainly. What is it? The menu for our holiday open house?"

Bree: "No, it's the police report from the night you beat your first wife. I'm still working on the menu."

Orson: "I assure you, I did not beat my wife. She suffered these injuries in a fall."

Bree: "Well, how did she fall?"

Orson: "I pushed her. It was self-defense. She attacked me."

Bree: "Why would she attack you?"

Orson: "She spilled some red wine on a white tablecloth. She was trying to clean it up with dish soap. When I pointed out her mistake, she started screaming, "Shut up, shut up!" And striking me repeatedly with a sauté pan. Well, look...the police dropped the charges. Where did you get this?"

Bree: "Carolyn."

Orson: "Well, of course. Who else? If she paid this much attention to her own marriage, maybe Harvey wouldn't have cheated on her."

Bree: "Harvey cheated?"

Orson: "Yes, with some flight attendant named Monique. Darling, I could never strike a woman. Well, you do believe me, don't you?"

Bree: "All right, I accept your explanation. I just wish there were fewer things for you to explain. By the way, to remove a red wine stain, you sprinkle salt to absorb it."

Orson: "That's just what I was saying to Alma when she clocked me."

Outside Lynette's House

Tom is watering the bushes and Lynette walks outside when Nora drives up to their house.

Lynette: "Whoa, what fresh hell is this?"

Nora: "Hey, Tom..."

Lynette: "Whoa! Whoa, whoa! You have stepped onto my property and you've talked to Tom. That's two rules you've broken and I'm not sure that top doesn't make three."

Nora: "Would you tell your lunatic wife I'm not talking to her?"

Lynette: "You're the lunatic if you think I'm letting you anywhere near my husband."

Tom: "Just drop Kayla off and go."

Nora: "Kayla won't be visiting today. We're moving. And here's where you can send the child support."

She hands him an address on a piece of paper.

Tom: "Mexico?"

Nora: "An old friend of mine got me a sweet job dancing at a nightclub in Tijuana."

Tom: "Great, and you're taking Kayla?"

Nora: "Thank your wife. She's been itching to get rid of us ever since we got here. She finally got her way. Wave bye-bye to your daddy, honey."

Tom: "Nora, can't, can't we just talk about this?"

Nora: "Oh, we're not allowed to talk. Remember?"

Lynette: "She's Tom's daughter. You can't just take her out of the country."

Nora: "Watch me."

Judge's Office

Carlos, Gabrielle, and their respective lawyers sit before a judge.

Judge: "Does either party have anything to add before I rule on the division of assets and alimony?"

Gabrielle's Lawyer: "No, we're confident that your ruling will reflect the pain and suffering endured by my client."

Carlos' Lawyer: "Your honor, does the definition of suffering encompass the seduction of my client four days ago?"

Judge: "Excuse me?"

Carlos's Lawyer: "She thought he was coming into some money and hoped to stall the divorce until she could claim her share."

Gabrielle: "How dare you! That is a vicious lie."

Carlos turns on a tape recorder and Gabrielle's voice from the tape fills the room.

Gabrielle's Voice: "Oh, Carlos, give it to me! Carlos! Yes! Yes! Carlos..."

Carlos turns off the tape recorder.

Gabrielle: "You recorded our lovemaking?"

Carlos: "It's all right here, your honor. When she climaxes, she actually starts screaming out dollar amounts."

Judge: "Mrs. Solis, would you like to respond?"

Gabrielle: "As a matter of fact, I do have a few thoughts."

Later, Gabrielle is physically removed from the room, kicking and shouting as Carlos and the lawyers follow sedately behind her.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, you're a dead man! Do you hear me?"

Carlos: "Oh, the ruling seems fair to me. You get the house. I just get everything in it."

Gabrielle: "I said dead!"

Carlos: "No alimony. That's a drag. But, hey, you like to work, right?"

Gabrielle: "Come on, just give me one clean shot at him. I'm willing to do the time!"

Susan's House

Julie comes into the kitchen where Susan is cleaning out the trash container.

Julie: "Mom, I was packing your suitcase and you're totally out of toothpaste. Do you want me to go to the store and get some?"

Susan sees a crumpled beer can behind where the trash can normally is.

Susan: "What is this?"

Julie: "Oh, um, it was Austin's, okay?"

Susan: "Edie's nephew? Since when are you friends with him?"

Julie: "Uh, we are not friends. I was tutoring him, he brought beer, I told him to throw it out, and he did. End of story."

Susan: "Did you have any?"

Julie doesn't say anything.

Susan: "Oh, I cannot believe your timing. I'm about to fly off to Paris and you're inviting boys over for Oktoberfest."

Julie: "Oh, that's it! Go to your room and finish packing. This conversation's over."

Susan: "The last time I checked, I was the parent."

Julie: "Yeah, well, the last time I checked, I was the daughter who never gave you any reason to doubt her."

Susan: "Okay, I know I--"

Julie: "And don't play the parent card with me. I just finished packing your suitcase, doing your laundry, and balancing your checkbook. And now I'm going to the store to buy your toothpaste."

She storms out.

Susan: "Well, a simple 'No, I didn't drink any beer' would've sufficed."

Wisteria Lane

Bree is walking down the sidewalk. Carolyn, driving by, sees Bree and stops to chat.

Carolyn: "Bree! You haven't returned any of my calls. I've been worried. Have you told the wife-beater you're leaving him yet?"

Bree: "Sorry, no. Turns out he has an explanation for the police report."

Carolyn: "Oh, come on. There's never a good reason for hitting a woman."

Bree: "I used to think that, too. Then I met you. Good day."

Carolyn: "I'm trying to help you. You're living in a fool's paradise."

Bree: "Well, I guess that makes us neighbors."

Carolyn: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Bree: "It means you should stop worrying about my marriage and start worrying about your own."

Carolyn: "Don't play coy with me. You've got something to say, then just say it."

Bree: "Okay. Does the name Monique mean anything to you?"

Lynette's House

Tom is on the Internet.

Tom: "Hey, I found this site that offers really cheap fares to Tijuana, but should I even be thinking of going to Tijuana?"

Lynette: "It's fine with me...soon as you figure out a way to leave your genitals here."

Tom: "What are you saying, Lynette? I'm not allowed to visit my daughter? What?"

Lynette: "See? This is exactly what she wants. She takes Kayla, and I get blamed. Well, screw her. Let's sue for custody."

Tom: "Full custody? You'd go for that?"

Lynette: "You bet I would. Kayla will be much better off without crazy in her life. And so will we."

Tom: "I am right there with you. I just, I never thought you'd want a fifth kid."

Lynette: "I don't, but I didn't want the first four, and they're starting to grow on me."

She kisses him and leaves.

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle comes into the house. Carlos is reading the newspaper in the living room.

Carlos: "Hey, look whose plastic handcuffs got taken off. Okay, you're clearly still a little miffed about the settlement. But come on, be fair. I did buy most of the stuff in this house, honey."

There's a smash from the other room. Carlos goes into the kitchen. Gabrielle is smashing items onto the floor.

Carlos: "What the hell are you doing?!"

Gabrielle: "Oh, I'm helping you pack. Think of all the money you're gonna save on bubble wrap."

Carlos: "Hey! Do you know how much that was worth?!"

Gabrielle: "Do you know how much I was worth?! When we met, I was on the cover of magazines. I had a career and a future, but I gave it all up for you, and what did I get in return?"

Carlos: "If you break one more thing, so help me..."

Gabrielle: "What? What are you gonna do?"

Carlos leaves the room. There's a loud banging noise from another room. Gabrielle throws another piece of crystal to the ground and runs into the living room where Carlos is hitting the wall with a sledgehammer. Plaster rains down.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, have you lost your mind?!"

Carlos: "Well, you're helping me pack my stuff. I'm helping you remodel your house. You know, I don't know about you, but I always thought there should be a window that was right there. We can stop this right now, or we can keep on playing. Your call."

Gabrielle knocks a vase over.

Field's Market

Julie is shopping when Austin comes up behind her.

Austin: "Toothpaste, mouthwash...did somebody get an anonymous e-mail?"

Julie: "Said the boy with the economy-sized acne cream."

Austin: "There you go again, checking out my basket."

Julie: "Ugh, go away. Do you know how much trouble your stupid beer can got me in?"

Austin: "Well, then let me make it up to you. I'll carry your stuff."

Julie: "Whatever."

She hands him her basket and walks away. While she's turned away, he takes a bottle of whiskey from his basket and slips it into her bag.

Carolyn's House

Carolyn picks up her phone and dials a number. At the Field's Market, Harvey picks up while he signs a delivery man's clipboard.

Harvey: "Yeah?"

Carolyn: "Harvey, it's me."

Harvey: "Hey, hon, I'm in the middle of something here, so, um..."

Carolyn: "I know about Monique."

He turns to the delivery man.

Harvey: "Um, could you excuse me a second?"

He walks away.

Harvey: "Look, I don't know who you've been talking to, but, um..."

Carolyn: "Did you love her?"

Harvey: "She was just a friend and she disappeared eight months ago. The police just found her body."

Carolyn: "Eight months ago. That's right when you fell into that big depression. And I kept thinking, 'Why is Harvey so blue? How do I cheer him up?' That was about her, wasn't it?"

Harvey: "It's over. She's dead."

Carolyn: "But if she weren't, who would you be with, me or her?"

Harvey: "She's dead."

Field's Market

At the cash register, the cashier is ringing up Julie's purchases.

Cashier: "That'll be twelve ninety-nine. I'll take your Field's card."

Julie reaches in her bag for the card and the whiskey bottle falls out.

Austin: "Couldn't keep your wallet in your pants."

Cashier: "Mr. Bigsby?"

Harvey: "Look, um...I gotta go."

He hangs up and goes over to the cashier.

Carolyn's House

Carolyn goes over to a drawer and takes out a gun.

Lynette's House

The three boys make a human pyramid.

Twin: "Mommy, look at us!"

Lynette: "I'll look as soon as I get back from the store."

Parker: "Bye, mom!"

Lynette leaves the house.

Wisteria Lane

Edie is jogging down the street when her cell phone rings. She stops jogging and answers the phone.

Edie: "This is Edie. Yeah, I'm his aunt. He shoplifted what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be right there."

Susan's House

Ian comes into Susan's room, where she's packing.

Ian: "You're still packing? We're going to be late."

Susan: "Nope, we're fine. Besides, I can't leave until Julie gets back with my toothpaste."

Ian: "Oh, we don't need it. I packed a large tube and some dental floss."

Susan: "Really?"

Ian: "Why are Americans so amazed when the English display the slightest acquaintance with dental hygiene?"

Susan: "Okay, I'm gonna need some help with this big baby. Go! Zip, zip, zip!"

Ian: "Uh, Susan, do you really need all this? I mean, we're not emigrating."

Susan: "It's my first time in Paris. I want it to be magical, and that means accessories, so back off."

Ian: "It's the fashion capital of the world. Uh, while I'm working, you can take my credit card and buy some new things."

Susan: "No, no, I am not gonna spend your money."

Ian: "I have an expense account."

Susan: "And you just tell me this now?"

She unzips the suitcase and begins removing items.

Ian: "I'll tell the driver you'll be a minute."

He leaves. The phone rings. Susan picks it up.

Susan: "Hello? Yes, this is her mother. What?"

Field's Market

Susan walks into the store and heads to the back office. Near the front, Lynette is talking with Art, the new Wisteria Lane neighbor.

Lynette: "Well, you're gonna love the neighborhood. Are you all moved in?"

Art: "Uh, pretty much. Just waiting on some medical equipment for my sister."

Lynette: "Oh, yeah, I heard she isn't well. Can I ask what's wrong with her?"

Art: "Oh, of course. Unfortunately, she has this rare degenerative..."

Lynette sees Nora enter the store.

Lynette: "Oh, that's rough. Excuse me."

Edie, Susan, Julie, Austin, and Harvey are in the back office.

Susan: "You told me you weren't even friends with him. Now you're shoplifting together?"

Julie: "Mom, you know I wouldn't steal."

Susan: "Yeah, I wanna believe that, but suddenly you're having boys over, you're drinking beer..."

Austin: "And soon she'll be listening to that rock 'n' roll music everybody's talking about."

Edie flicks him on the head.

Harvey: "So, how are we gonna handle this?"

Susan: "Listen, I have somebody in the car who's late for a plane. Can you give me two minutes?"

Julie: "Mom..."

Susan: "I am so disappointed in you."

She leaves the Field's Market, passing by Carolyn, who's entering.

Susan: "Hello, Carolyn."

Carolyn: "Yeah, hey, how are you?"

In the back of the store, Edie is talking with Harvey.

Edie: "Look, make him work it off. You get a free stock boy for a month."

Austin: "A month? It was a ten dollar bottle of whiskey."

Edie: "Exactly. You weren't even smart enough to steal the good stuff. Harvey, don't walk away. Come on. Let's sort this out."

In a different part of the store, Nora runs into Lynette.

Lynette: "Hey, Nora. How's tricks?"

Nora: "I thought it was your car I saw in the lot. You're a conniving bitch."

Lynette: "Ah, I see you've heard from our lawyer."

Nora: "So it's not enough that you run me out of town. You gotta steal my damn kid."

Carolyn walks past them and stops when she sees Harvey.

Harvey: "Carolyn, what are you doing here?"

Carolyn: "I've been thinking, Harvey, that if you loved this Monique woman so much..."

Lynette walks around Nora, going into another aisle and Nora follows her.

Lynette: "Even you have to admit Kayla would be better off with us than in a dingy apartment over a Tijuana strip club."

Nora: "Believe me, Lynette, you do not wanna screw with me."

Lynette: "You went after my husband. If anyone should be afraid, it's you."

A gunshot rings out.

In the next aisle, Carolyn, pointing the gun in front of her, walks after Harvey, who rushes Edie and himself into the back office.

Harvey: "Go! Go!"

Carolyn shoots again.

Carolyn: "Harvey! Harvey, you come out of there, damn it!"

She turns the gun on the customers, including Julie and Austin, around her.

Carolyn: "Down. Everybody down. Nobody goes anywhere. Don't move. Get down."

Field's Market Parking Lot

Susan is talking with Ian ion the limo.

Ian: "You can't be serious. We have tickets. The plane leaves in two hours."

Susan: "I'm sorry. I know, Julie picked a lousy time to rebel. I just can't fly off and ignore it."

Ian: "You're overreacting. It's an adolescent prank, and you're turning it into some great bloody crisis."

Susan: "You have a lot of meetings anyway. We'll go some other time. I can't leave Julie right now."

Ian: "We'll take her with us."

Susan: "Oh, that's responsible parenting. 'Stealing whiskey? That's it, young lady. I'm taking you to Paris.'"

Ian: "Ah, ah, but that's just some ruse. Once we get her on the plane, we'll make her fly coach, middle seat, no mercy."

Susan: "I'm sorry."

Ian: "It won't be Paris without you."

Field's Market

Lynette and Nora rush up to an employee, who's crouched behind a display case.

Lynette: "What the hell's going on?"

Employee: "It's Mrs. Bigsby. She has a gun."

Lynette: "What?"