DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - 03.20 - GOSSIP

(formatted by Amanda)

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Mary Alice: "The night of her engagement party, Gabrielle Solis was injured. But she wasn't hurt by the chauffer who almost slammed a door on her fingers...or the stranger who almost stepped on her hand...or the waiter who almost dropped a knife on her wrist. No, Gabrielle's injury came about in a more unexpected fashion and was caused by someone Gabrielle thought was her friend."

Gabrielle and Lynette are at a table when a waiter stops by with two glasses of wine. Lynette takes them.

Lynette: "Thank you. So have you told Bree about your engagement?"

Gabrielle: "Yep. She's on the top of a Swiss Alp and still managed to send a basket of muffins."

Lynette: "You're kidding."

Gabrielle: "No. Damn things traveled five thousand miles, and they were still moist."

Lynette: "I don't know how she does it. Hey, it's getting late. Let's break out the champagne."

Gabrielle: "Wait, wait. You're not gonna embarrass me with some sappy toast, are you?"

Lynette: "I'm not, but Susan's written a poem."

Gabrielle: "A poem?"

Lynette: "She's reworked the lyrics to "Wind Beneath My Wings.""

They both look over to where Susan is standing with a microphone and holding a piece of paper.

Susan: "Testing. One, two, three, testing."

Gabrielle turns to Lynette.

Gabrielle: "What are you waiting for? Get the champagne."

Lynette: "Okay."

Lynette leaves. Gabrielle starts walking over to the bar. Edie walks up to her.

Edie: "Hey, Gaby."

Gabrielle: "Hi, Edie!"

Edie: "So I finally met Victor. He is so charming."

Gabrielle: "Isn't he great? I know it's been quick, but he's just so amazing."

Edie: "So you really love him? He is the one?"

Gabrielle: "He is, and I've never been happier."

Edie: "I am so thrilled for you."

Gabrielle: "Edie, are you okay?"

Edie: "Yes! Oh, yes. Yes, I'm--I'm fine. I..."

Gabrielle: "Oh, sweetie. Don't worry. You're gonna find someone soon. I just know it. What?"

Edie: "Well, actually, I have found someone. And I am...crazy about him."

Gabrielle: "Well, who is it?"

Edie: "Oh, no. No, no. Tonight is about you."

Gabrielle: "Oh, no, no, Edie. Come on. It would make me happy to know who's making you happy."

Edie: "Really?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah! I wanna know who's putting that dopey grin on your face."

Edie: "Well, actually, it's...Carlos."

Gabrielle: "Who?"

Edie: "Carlos. I've been seeing Carlos."

The glass of wine that Gabrielle is holding shatters as Gabrielle squeezes it too tightly.

Mary Alice: And this is how Gabrielle Solis came to be injured the night of her engagement party. And though she seemed to laugh it off, Gabrielle had been cut much, much deeper than anyone could see."

OPENING CREDITS

WISTERIA LANE

Woman: "Greg is definitely off the wagon. Last week..."

Mary Alice: "Gossip--for most housewives, it's just a harmless form of recreation, an exchange of semi-interesting tidbits concerning the semi-interesting lives of people they know."

Ida Greenberg: "That mailman was in Sarah's house over an hour. Packages weren't all he's delivering."

Woman: "I could smell the whiskey on Amy's breath. It wasn't even noon yet."

Woman: "Joanne may say that she was off on a religious retreat, but since when does praying make your boobs bigger?"

Mary Alice: "But the time comes in every neighborhood when something very interesting happens, and that's when gossip stops being recreation and becomes...obsession."

Susan, Lynette, and Gabrielle stand in front of Lynette's house, watching Mrs. McCluskey's house.

Gabrielle: "What kind of woman would keep her husband's body in the freezer?"

Susan: "For ten years? It's crazy. Has anybody talked to her?"

Lynette: "I've knocked twice. She's not answering."

Susan: "Oh, I saw the curtain move. I think I saw a hand."

Lynette: "Oh, great. Now we know she's watching us."

Gabrielle: "Why should we be embarrassed? We're not the ones who kept a corpse-iced in the basement."

Susan: "Oh, that's right. She babysat your kids."

Lynette: "Oh, please, I don't want to think of how many times she brought them ice cream from that basement. I mean, jeez, if you want to keep your husband on ice, at least have a dedicated freezer."

Susan: "Do you think she actually killed him?"

Gabrielle: "Uh, yeah. Why else would she have hid the body?"

Lynette: "Well, so far, she's only been charged with improperdisposal of a corpse."

Gabrielle: "But once they defrost the body and do an autopsy, I guarantee you they're gonna find a bellyful of arsenic."

Parker: "What's arsenic?"

The three women turn around to find Parker standing there.

Lynette: "It's just-- it's something yucky, honey. Go on and play with your ball. Go on."

Parker leaves.

Lynette: "We're trying so hard to protect them from this. There are just some things that kids don't need to know about."

Susan: "Hell, there's some things we don't need to know about."

Gabrielle looks over at Edie's place, where Edie is putting the trash out.

Gabrielle: "Would you guys excuse me?"

She leaves.

Gabrielle: "Hey, Edie!"

Edie: "Oh, hi, Gaby! What's up?"

Gabrielle: "I've been doing some thinking, and you know how...how do I put this? You know how you feel like sometimes people hate you?"

Edie: "I don't feel like that."

Gabrielle: "We, you should, 'cause they do."

Edie: "Since when?"

Gabrielle: "Since you started doing things to piss people off."

Edie: "About what?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, I don't know. Off the top of my head...dating your friends' exes."

Edie: "Oh. Oh, so that big smile on your face the other night was all an act. You're not fine with me seeing Carlos."

Gabrielle: "Edie, there are a thousand single men in Fairview. Why do you have to date my ex-husband?"

Edie: "You're engaged to somebody else! What do you care?"

Gabrielle: "It's awkward! It's--it's like if I donated a dress to charity, and I went to a party, and you showed up wearing it."

Edie: "Again, if you gave it away in the first place, then what the hell are you bitching about?"

Gabrielle: "Look, Edie, just find your own men and stop snapping up other people's castoffs!"

Edie: "And what if I don't?"

Gabrielle: "Then be prepared to suffer the consequences."

Edie: "Oh, please. You are as tall as my legs. What are you gonna do?"

Gabrielle: "You're about to find out."

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Susan and Julie are putting away groceries when the doorbell rings. Julie looks out the window.

Susan: "Who is it this time?"

Julie: "Um... it's Ian. You gonna talk to him?"

Susan: "No."

Julie: "Uh, he's got flowers."

Susan: "I don't care."

Julie: "Looks like it's two dozen roses."

Susan: "Oh, good. I hope the thorns rip him to shreds."

Julie: "Okay, mom, I know what Mike and Ian did was wrong, but--"

Susan: "They bet me in a game of poker. They made decisions about my life over a hand of five-card stud. Wrong does not even begin to cover it."

Julie: "Okay, okay, but there are only two guys in this world who know all of your flaws and have still found a way to love you. You're just gonna toss 'em both away?"

Susan: "Yes. I don't need a man. I don't even need sex. I went without it the first sixteen years...twenty-two years of my life, and I can go a few more."

Julie looks out the window again.

Julie: "This should be interesting."

Susan: "What?"

Julie: "Mike just walked up."

OUTSIDE SUSAN'S HOUSE

Mike leans against the fence as he begins talking to Ian.

Mike: "Give it up. She didn't answer the first ten times. She's not gonna answer it now. Oh, this is getting sad. Take it like a Brit-- stiff upper lip."

Ian: "You know what? I've just about bloody had it with you. I preferred you when you were comatose and pooping in a bag!"

Mike: "Well, lucky for you, I don't have that bag right now."

Ian: "All right, that does it."

Ian throws down the roses and stalks towards Mike. Julie opens the door.

Julie: "Uh, excuse me? Guys? Hi. Um, my mom would really like for both of you to leave."

From inside, behind the door, Susan prompts Julie on what to say.

Susan: "Don't soft-pedal it. Let 'em know I mean business."

Julie: "Uh, 'cause if you-- if you don't, she'll be very, very disappointed."

Susan: "Rip 'em!"

Julie: "So just, um...go home and think about what you've done."

Susan hits Julie in the leg.

Julie: "If you want something bitchier, do it yourself!"

The door closes.

SCAVO RESTAURANT

In the deserted restaurant, Rick places a plate of food in front of Lynette, who's sitting at a table.

Rick: "Here we are--ravioli stuffed with duck confit in a porcini cream sauce. What do you think?"

Lynette: "I think it's a shame you didn't make any for yourself."

She reaches out and pulls Rick's plate of food towards her slightly. Her phone rings. She answers it and it's Tom.

Lynette: "Hi, honey."

Tom: "Hey, I just wanted to say I love you."

Lynette: "Aren't you sweet? What's that noise in the background? Are the boys still up?"

Tom: "Yeah, they don't want to go to bed."

Lynette: "Well, of course they don't. They're kids. You're the dad. Make 'em."

Tom: "Well, I tried, honey, but they wanna wait up for you. They...they miss their mom."

Lynette: "Ah, is this your way of guilting me into coming back home?"

Tom: "Lynette, the--the restaurant did close a half-hour ago. Preston, don't throw pudding!"

Lynette: "Oh, Tom...I'm sorry. I can't come home. We're, um...doing inventory, so...it could be a while."

Tom: "Well, okay. Try to hurry?"

Lynette: "I will. I love you. Bye."

She hangs up.

Rick: "Inventory?"

Lynette: "I know. I'm a horrible person. I just chose ravioli over motherhood. I should--I should go home."

Rick: "Lynette, you got nothing to feel guilty about. You bust your ass in this restaurant every day to keep it going, and if anybody deserves a little downtime, it's you."

Lynette: "Those are shameless rationalizations. Keep them coming."

She gestures to the ravioli.

Lynette: "Those, too."

He feeds her a piece of ravioli.

OUTSIDE LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Parker is standing outside the house, watching Mrs. McCluskey clean her front door. Tom walks outside slowly, leaning heavily on a cane.

Tom: "There you are. What are you doing outside?"

Parker: "Some big kids threw eggs at Mrs. McCluskey's house."

Tom: "Oh, jeez. They shouldn't have done that."

Parker: "We should go talk to her."

Tom: "No. It's late. Uh, she probably doesn't want us to bother her."

Parker: "Come on, bud. Bedtime."

They go inside.

GABRIELLE'S HOUSE

Gabrielle is talking to Susan and Lynette.

Gabrielle: "So here's what's gonna happen-- we're not talking to Edie anymore."

Lynette: "What do you mean, we?"

Gabrielle: "I mean, we as in she betrayed me, and you're my best friends, so you're gonna support me because that's what friends do."

Susan: "And support you means...acting like we're in junior high?"

Gabrielle: "I can't believe you're not furious at this. Before she sank her fangs into Carlos, she was dating your ex-husband and Mike."

Susan: "Yes, and do you know who I blame? I blame Karl and Mike. Why isn't anybody mad at them? I mean, let's face it. The men-- they get away with murder. They're scum!"

Lynette: "Okay. Back to Edie...I'm not sure I'm comfortable ganging up on her."

Gabrielle: "Really? Because I wasn't very comfortable taking your side when you were feuding with Patty Monroe over the backyard fence line, but I did."

Susan: "Oh, Gaby, that's not fair. Nobody really liked Patty to begin with."

Gabrielle: "Don't even get me started about what I've done for you, okay? I'm still boycotting Madame Kim's Day Spa because of your botched bikini wax."

Lynette: "Oh, my god. How do you botch a bikini wax?"

Gabrielle: "She will show you later! The point is, good friends share more than just gossip and brunch. They share enemies, too. So are you with me or not?"

Susan: "Of course we're with you.

Lynette: We will give Edie the cold shoulder."

Gabrielle: "No, no! Not cold, frozen! I want icicles hanging from that bitch's ears!"

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Lynette walks in the house. Kayla is sitting at the kitchen table, putting together a jigsaw puzzle.

Lynette: "Hello?"

Kayla: "Hi."

Lynette: "Hey, do you still want me to look at that book report?"

Kayla: "Daddy helped me yesterday. You weren't home."

Lynette: "Oh. Okay."

Kayla: "Daddy does everything lately. How come you always come home so late?"

Lynette: "Well, I'm really busy at the restaurant. Believe me, I come home to daddy just as soon as I can."

She gives a little laugh.

Kayla: "You're lying."

Lynette: "What?"

Kayla: "You always laugh like that when you're telling a lie."

Kayla imitates the laugh.

Lynette: "Why would you say that?"

Kayla: "Because...it's true."

Lynette: "I stay late because there's a lot of work to do, and right now I'm the only person who can do it, and now I have to go to the grocery store because I am the only person who can do that, mm-hmm. So why don't you go upstairs and finish your homework?"

Kayla: "Okay. But it is what you do."

PARKING LOT

Susan is sitting in her car, waiting for a parking spot. The car in the parking spot leaves and before Susan can pull in, another car zooms in, stealing her spot. Susan rolls down her window.

Susan: "Excuse me! Uh, hey! Excuse me. That's my space!"

Man: "Yeah, well, I'm parked in it, so that kind of makes it my space."

Susan gets out of her car.

Susan: "Hey, uh, I waited for that spot while the guy made three phone calls and flossed his teeth. You can't just steal it."

Man: "It's a parking space! Keep a lid on your hormones, honey."

Susan kicks him and he falls to the ground.

Man: "God! You did that on purpose!"

Susan: "Yeah, and I'm about to do this on purpose, too."

She grabs his keys and rushes over to his car. She gets inside and puts the keys in the ignition.

Man: "Crazy bitch! What do you think you're doing?! What are you doing? What are you doing?!"

Susan: "I'm taking my damn space!"

Man: "Get out of my car. Get out of my car."

She rolls the window up so that his head is trapped in the car.

Man: "Hey, hey!"

Susan: "Say you're sorry."

Man: "Let me go!"

Susan: "Say it!"

Man: "Okay, okay. I'm sorry."

Susan: "Say, "I'm a rude, arrogantbastard who needs to treat women with courtesy and respect!""

Man: "I'm a rude, arrogant... how does the rest of it go?"

Suddenly, cops show up.

Cop: "Freeze! Was this man trying to steal your car?"

Man: "It's my car! She--she tripped me and grabbed my keys."

Cop: "Is this true, ma'am?"

Susan: "Oh, all right, take his side!"

EDIE'S HOUSE

Carlos is sitting on the couch, reading the newspaper. Edie is looking out the window at Lynette taking groceries out of her car.

Carlos: "Hey, who you spying on?"

Edie: "Lynette. She hasn't returned my last two phone calls. I think something's up."

Carlos: "She's probably just busy."

Edie: "Yeah, we'll see about that. I am calling her right...now."

She dials Lynette's cell phone number and watches through the window as Lynette takes out her cell phone, looks at the number, then puts it back in her purse.

Edie: "Oh, my god!"

Carlos: "What?"

Edie: "She just screened me! I have been screened!"

Carlos: "Maybe she's in a hurry."

Edie: "No, no, no. This has Gabrielle Solis written all over it. She is turning people against me."

Carlos: "And you're surprised? I told you how she'd react if she found out about us."

Edie: "Yeah? Well, if she wants to play these schoolgirl games, fine. 'Cause I invented 'em."

OUTSIDE LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Edie walks towards Lynette.

Edie: "Lynette! Hi!"

Lynette: "Hey, hey!"

Edie: "I just tried calling you."

Lynette: "Oh, really? My ringer must've been off."

Edie: "Oh, no prob. I wanted to invite you and the boys to Travers' birthday party on Saturday. Yeah, I'm having this reptile guy, and he's got all these cool snakes and lizards."

Lynette: "Oh! The boys would love that, but unfortunately, I gotta work."

Edie: "Well, that's a shame, because I was hoping you could cater."

Lynette: "Cater?"

Edie: "Yeah, I'm gonna need pastas and salads for the parents and at least twenty pizzas for the kids."

Lynette: "Wow, that many?"

Edie: "Yeah, and...well, you know kids. If one has a pizza party, they're all gonna want a pizza party. Hmm, could be good for business."

Lynette: "Well, yeah, I guess I could work somethin' out."

Edie: "Oh, I knew I could count on you! Love ya!"

She kisses Lynette on the cheek, then turns and walks away.

THERAPIST'S OFFICE

Susan is sitting on a couch in a therapist's office.

Susan: "Look, whatever that court report says, I do not have anger issues. I was just having a bad day."

Therapist: "You threatened to decapitate a man over a parking space."

Susan: "A very bad day."

Therapist: "Susan, when someone loses it like you did, there's usually a reason. Are things going okay at work?"

Susan: "Work is great. You could just sign that paper and tell the judge I'm fine."

Therapist: "What about your family?"

Susan: "Family's terrific. Seriously, you're just wasting your time here."

Therapist: "How's your love life?"

Susan bursts into tears. The therapist pushes a button on an intercom system.

Therapist: "Cancel my lunch. I'm gonna be here for a while."

OUTSIDE MRS. MCCLUSKEY'S HOUSE

Parker rings Mrs. McCluskey's doorbell.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Will you stop ringing that damn...I'm sorry, Parker. I thought you were one of those little piss ants who keep ringing the bell and running away. So what's on your mind?"

Parker: "I want you to come back and baby-sit us. The new sitter stinks."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Your folks hired a new sitter?"

Parker: "Yeah, and she thinks carrot sticks are snacks."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Well, that's rough, but...life's like that sometimes."

Parker: "It doesn't have to be. If you just told people what happened with your husband, everything could go back to the way it was."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Parker, you see those women over there? Nothing I could say would stop those tongues from wagging. I'm sorry, kid, but...I just have to wait this one out."

THERAPIST'S OFFICE

Susan is pacing.

Susan: "Can you imagine? I mean, finding out that two men you trusted bet you in a poker game. I mean, how demeaning is that?"

Therapist: "Well, it depends on how you look at it. Men have been waging contests over women for centuries. I grant you, poker isn't as romantic as, say, jousting, but it shows how they felt about you. The real question is how did you feel about them?"

Susan: "I told you--hurt and betrayed."

Therapist: "No, how did you feel about them before this poker business?"

Susan: "Well...I was engaged to Ian, so...obviously I loved him."

Therapist: "And Mike? Were you in love with him, too?"

Susan: "How we doing on time?"

Therapist: "Susan."

Susan: "Okay, fine, I loved him. I still love him, and I love Ian. So I am totally, hopelessly in love with two men."

Therapist: "Now we're getting somewhere. This is good."

Susan: "No, this is horrible! This wasn't supposed to happen! I only let myself fall for Ian 'cause I thought Mike was lost to me. And then bang! Suddenly he wants me back, and now I have this choice that I can't possibly make."

Therapist: "I agree. It's tough!"

Susan: "It's devastating! If I go with Mike, Ian's heart will be broken, and Ian does not deserve that. But how can I reject Mike after all he's been through?"

Therapist: "So you're just gonna walk away from both of them? You have to make a choice, sweetie. You've got two great guys, both of them crazy about you. To let one go--well, that's life. It happens. To let them both go... that's just..."

Susan: "Stupid?"

Therapist: "Yes. That would be the clinical term."

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