DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - 03.22 - WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT YOU?

(formatted by Amanda)

RESTAURANT

Mike and Susan are dressed nicely and seated at a table in a fancy restaurant.

Mary Alice: "Exactly one year had passed since the night Mike Delfino and Susan Mayer were supposed to become engaged. So when Mike took Susan to her favorite restaurant, she just knew he was going to pop the question."

Mike: "What are you gonna have?"

Mary Alice: "And when he did..."

Susan: "The chicken."

Mary Alice: "She'd be ready with her answer. But as the evening wore on, the moment Susan had been waiting for...failed to materialize. And though many opportunities presented themselves...the question was never asked. Until the thought began to dawn on Susan that perhaps...it never would."

Mike drives Susan home. Susan looks upset.

Mike: "Pretty quiet over there. Was dinner okay?"

Susan: "If by okay, you mean uneventful, then yes."

Mike: "Something on your mind?"

Susan: "Mike, what day is today?"

Mike: "Um, Wednesday."

Susan: "Yes. It's also the anniversary of the day we were supposed to get engaged. A year ago tonight, you were on your way to ask me to marry you when you got hit by that stupid car."

Mike: "Wow, that was a year ago? Time really flies.'

Susan: "Is that all you have to say?"

Mike: "Why are you getting mad?"

Susan: "I thought you were gonna propose tonight."

Mike: "Susan, why would I want to commemorate the anniversary of the night that some maniac put me in a coma?"

Susan: "Because this date has special meaning for us. I sat in front of that trailer for six hours thinking you hated me, and a proposal would've brought the entire thing full circle. It would've turned a bad memory into a beautiful one."

Mike: "You really thought this through, didn't you?"

Susan: "Yes, I did, because I am a thoughtful person. And whenever we do get married, that is something you are gonna have to work on."

Mike: "I'll do my best. By the way..."

He pulls onto their street and gestures to something in front of them.

Mike: "...that seems familiar?"

Susan's trailer is set up exactly as it was from a year ago, with a dinner for two set up in the front.

Susan: "Oh, my god. I can't believe that you did this."

Mike: "Well, I wanted to...how'd you put it? Turn a bad memory into a beautiful one. Now go sit in front of that trailer. I promise I'll show up this time."

Susan gets out of the truck and goes to sit down at the table. Inside the truck, Mike pulls out an engagement ring and looks at it.

Mary Alice: "Yes, Susan knew Mike was about to pop the question--the one she feared he'd never ask."

Mike kneels down in front of Susan and puts the open ring box on the table.

Susan: "Oh, Mike."

Mary Alice: "And thanks to Susan..."

Susan: "Will you marry me?"

Mary Alice: "He never did. Luckily, it wasn't the question she needed to hear."

Mike: "I kind of had a speech prepared, but...sure. What the heck?"

Mary Alice: "It was the answer."

LYNETTE'S HOUSE - MORNING

Tom and Lynette are sleeping.

Mary Alice: "From the moment we wake up in the morning..."

Tom wakes up and turns to Lynette.

Tom: "What time is it?"

LYNETTE'S HOUSE - EVENING

Mary Alice: "Till our head hits the pillow at night..."

Lynette has just gotten into bed when Tom turns to her.

Tom: "Did you lock the front door?"

Mary Alice: "Our lives are filled with questions..."

Later, Tom is in the bathroomtrying to get his shaving cream to come out of the container.

Tom: "Did you remember to buy more shaving cream?"

Mary Alice: "...simple ones that are easy to answer."

Later, Tom is trying different expressions on his face while looking in the mirror. Lynette walks by.

Tom: "Can I still pull this look off?"

The whole Scavo family is eating breakfast at the kitchen table. Nobody is talking.

Mary Alice: "But some questions are so dangerous, the truth...is not an option."

Parker: "Are you mad at daddy?"

Lynette: "No. Why would you think that?"

Parker: "'Cause you're not talking to him."

Lynette: "Well, when two people have known each other as long as mommy and daddy have, they don't have to always talk. In fact, a sign of a good relationship is being comfortable in silence."

Tom: "That's true. Although mommy ignoring me last night at work wasn't exactly what I'd call comfortable."

Lynette: "Well, daddy probably didn't notice that I was unloading twenty-pound bags of flour 'cause he still can't lift them, so mommy didn't exactly have time to sit around and chew the fat."

Tom: "Well, you haven't wanted to chew the fat for five days now. Come on, Lynette, something's obviously bugging you."

Lynette: "You wanna know what's bugging me? I'm trying to have a lovely breakfast with my family, and you're picking a fight."

Tom: "Who's fighting? I just wanna talk."

Lynette: "There's nothing to talk about, okay? Just leave me alone."

Tom: "Fine."

Lynette: "Good."

Parker: "Sorry I asked."

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Mike is eating breakfast and reading the paper while Susan makes phone calls.

Susan: "Hey, François, it's Susan Mayer. Um, call me as soon as you get this. I know I told you that my wedding is off, but it's back on, and I wanna see if you're still available to do the flowers. Bye. Oh, um, just so you know, Ian's not the groom anymore. Long story. Call me."

She hangs up the phone.

Susan: "There. I think I left messages for everyone. Are you sure it's okay for us to have the same wedding I was planning with Ian? Be honest."

Mike: "Well, I stole his bride. I guess I can poach his florist."

Susan: "Gosh, I just keep thinking there's someone I've forgotten to tell. Caterer, band, florist..."

Mike: "Um...guests?"

Susan: "Oh, my god! I had Julie call canceling everyone."

Mike: "Just call 'em back."

Susan: "You can't invite people to a wedding on the phone. You have to send a proper invitation. You want people to think I'm a complete flake?"

She dials a number on the phone.

Susan: "Hi, Curt. Susan Mayer. You did my wedding invitations? Uh, I'm gonna need another batch. Exactly the same, only change the name Ian Hainsworth to Mike Delfino. Long story. Call me."

She hangs up.

GABRIELLE'S HOUSE

Victor walks up to Gabrielle.

Victor: "Hey, what's with the frown? You trying to get wrinkles before the wedding?"

Gabrielle: "No. I can't find a good flower girl. Lynette keeps hinting for me to use Penny. But I saw her in that preschool sing-along, and I am sorry, but we are talking zero charisma."

Victor: "You know, I had a thought about the flower girl."

Gabrielle: "You did?"

Victor: "My cleaning lady has a daughter...where's that picture?"

He finds a photo album and pulls out a picture, then hands it to Gabrielle.

Victor: "Look familiar?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, my god. She looks just like me when I was that age!"

Victor: "Yeah, that's what I thought. See, this way, the wedding procession starts with you as this beautiful little girl, and ends with you as the stunning bride that you've become."

Gabrielle: "I love that you're so into this wedding. Most men would be like, "yeah, yeah, tell me where the church is," but you're as obsessed as me. You're like a hot groom and a gay best friend all rolled into one."

Victor: "Well, can you blame me for wanting to make everything as perfect as you?"

MIKE'S HOUSE

Carlos is on the couch when Edie comes down the stairs, looking worn out.

Carlos: "Feel better?"

Edie: "Yeah. There must've been a bad scallop in that paella last night."

Carlos: "You'd think that half-bottle of tequila you drank would've disinfected it."

Mike walks in.

Mike: "Oh. Sorry to interrupt. I'm just, uh, moving some stuff over to Susan's house."

Edie: "You two shacking up now?"

Mike: "Actually, we're getting married."

Carlos: "You're kidding! Congratulations!"

Carlos stands up and he and Mike shake hands and hug.

Mike: "Thanks."

Carlos: "You don't waste any time."

Mike: "Well, you know, I've already wasted a year. I don't want to wake up one more day without her lying next to me."

Edie: "Oh, god. Here comes what's left of breakfast."

Mike: "And, uh, you two better be careful. All this wedding fever going around...you might catch it."

Mike heads upstairs.

Carlos: "Yeah, right!"

Edie stares at Carlos.

Carlos: "What?"

Edie: "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize the concept of our being married was such a thigh-slapper."

Carlos: "Come on, Edie. Look, it's way too soon for us to be talking marriage. We only just started dating."

Edie: "Oh, I know, but...well, we could live together. We're either at my house or your house every night anyway."

Carlos: "Yeah...true, but..."

Edie: "Well, why not? And we're not kids anymore, Carlos, and, I mean, I really care about you. Don't you care about me?"

Carlos: "Of course I do."

Edie: "But..."

Carlos: "I just took over Mike's lease yesterday."

Edie: "Oh, please. Old lady Sims can find another tenant."

Carlos: "Edie, I already signed the papers. Look, I have a responsibility. You know, that rent helps pay for her nursing home. You understand, right?"

RETIREMENT HOME

Edie walks up to Mrs. Sims, who's reading a book at a table outside.

Edie: "Mrs. Sims?"

Mrs. Sims: "E-Edie? Edie Britt?"

Edie: "Hi! Are you up for a visit?"

Mrs. Sims: "Well, of course! Oh! What a nice surprise! I haven't seen you for years."

Edie: "Oh, I know, and I feel awful about that. I have always liked you so much. You know, Wisteria Lane hasn't been the same since you left."

Mrs. Sims: "Well, with my arthritis, I just couldn't live alone anymore. But what I get from renting more than pays for this place."

Edie: "Ooh! Well, that's good. Although with Mike Delfino getting married, your house is gonna be empty now."

Mrs. Sims: "Actually, no. A friend of Mike's just signed a lease-- a very nice man. Oh, what was his name? Uh...it's here somewhere.""

She pulls out a copy of the lease from her purse.

Mrs. Sims: "Uh, Carlos Solis."

Edie: "Oh, dear."

Mrs. Sims: "What?"

Edie: "What did Mike tell you about Carlos?"

Mrs. Sims: "Oh, just that he's a nice, responsible man."

Edie: "Oh. Well, he is when he's sober."

Mrs. Sims: "He has a drinking problem?"

Edie: "Well, actually, what I heard is...oh, what am I doing? I shouldn't be indulging in idle gossip."

Mrs. Sims: "Edie, please!"

Edie: "Smack. He does smack."

Mrs. Sims: "What? Good heavens! Oh, well...he seemed such a nice man when I met him, and he's got a good job."

Edie: "I know. What is that term? Functional junkie."

Mrs. Sims: "This is very upsetting. Maybe I should rethink this."

Edie: "No! I should learn to shut my big mouth. I mean, here I am, blathering on about drugs and prostitutes."

Mrs. Sims: "Prostitutes? You never said anything about prostitutes."

Edie: "And I'm not going to. Frankly...I don't want to be on his bad side."

Mrs. Sims: "Edie, I can't have someone like that in my house. I have to tear up this lease."

Edie: "Oh, no, I can't let you do that! Not with your arthritis. Here. You let me."

She takes the lease from Mrs. Sims and tears it up.

OUTSIDE SUSAN'S HOUSE

Gabrielle comes jogging up to Susan as Susan is getting her mail.

Susan: "Gaby!"

Gabrielle: "Oh, Susan! Julie told me about Ian. I am so sorry. You must be devastated."

She hugs Susan. Mike walks into the house carrying boxes.

Mike: "Hey, Gaby."

Gabrielle: "I see you've picked up the pieces."

Susan: "We got engaged last night. We're getting married!"

Gabrielle: "Oh, my god! Congratulations!"

They hug again.

Susan: "So forget what Julie told you about the wedding being off. It's back on."

Gabrielle: "Really? Same day?"

Susan: "Yep! I promised people a wedding, and they are getting one."

Gabrielle: "Well, I'm sorry. I can't make it. I have plans that day."

Susan: "Oh, you could change your plans."

Gabrielle: "No, I really can't."

Susan: "Well, what could be more important to you than my wedding?"

Gabrielle: "Uh...my wedding?"

Susan: "What?"

Gabrielle gestures to the mail that Susan is holding. Gabrielle's wedding invitation is on top.

Gabrielle: "Oh, I see you got the invitation!"

Susan: "You're getting married on my wedding day?"

Gabrielle: "Well, you canceled, and Victor was kind of in a rush because he didn't think it'd look good for the mayor to be shacking up. And every day we tried, someone had a conflict. And then your date opened up, and we knew all my friends were available, and, well...you know, you, too."

Mike comes up behind Susan.

Mike: "Uh, it's really no problem. We'll find another date."

Susan: "Gaby, did you really think I would want to spend what would've been my wedding day watching someone else get married?"

Gabrielle: "I am so throwing the bouquet to you!"

Susan: "Okay, if you think for one second..."

Mike: "It's fine. Really. Come on, Susan. We've got some calls to make."

He leads Susan into the house.

Susan: "Oh, right! I have to cancel my wedding...again!"

GABRIELLE'S HOUSE

Susan knocks on Gabrielle's front door. Gabrielle answers, but looks nervous.

Gabrielle: "Susan. Hi."

Susan: "Is this a bad time?"

Gabrielle: "I'm kind of in the middle of something."

Susan: "Okay, well, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for getting so snippy yesterday, that when I canceled my wedding, you had every right to..."

A Frenchman's voice is heard in the background.

Francois: "Susan? Susan? Is that my Susan?"

The man comes to the door.

Susan: "Francois!"

Francois: "I am so sorry that I could not do your wedding flowers. But the moment you canceled, your friend here--she, uh...how you say? Scoop me up."

He goes back into the living room.

Susan: "You stole my florist?"

Gabrielle: "Only because I admire your taste. It's not theft. It's an homage."

Francois comes back to the door.

Francois: "I left the bouquet and the centerpiece on the table. If there are any changes, you let me know. Au revoir."

He leaves.

Gabrielle: "Well, I gotta go."

Susan: "I wanna see those flowers."

She pushes her way into the house and goes into the living room.

Susan: "Oh, my god, that's my centerpiece!"

Gabrielle: "Oh, what, now you suddenly have the trademark on peach tulips?"

Susan: "In this town in wedding season? Yeah, I do. You might as well have used my caterer and my swing band."

Gabrielle: "Yeah. Listen, about that..."

Susan: "Oh, my god. Did you steal my whole wedding?"

Gabrielle: "It was short notice, okay? These people are booked months in advance. The only people available were those you just bailed on."

Susan: "Gaby, I spent months planning that wedding."

Gabrielle: "Oh, I see what you're getting at. And you know what? You are right. You have been my de facto wedding planner, and you deserve to get paid. All right, what's the going rate? Seven thousand? Eight thousand?"

Susan: "Gaby...'

Gabrielle: "All right, ten thousand. I'm not gonna haggle."

Susan: "I don't want to be paid. I want my wedding back."

Gabrielle: "Well, you can't have it. And if you ask me, I am doing you a really big favor."

Susan: "Excuse me?'

Gabrielle: "You are rushing into this marriage thing way too fast. Why don't you give it some time and see if you and me work as a couple?"

Susan: "I'm rushing? You met Victor three months ago. I've known Mike three years."

Gabrielle: "Yeah, on and off. Mostly off. What if you tie the knot in a month and realize that you miss Ian and Mike misses the coma?"

Susan: "I cannot believe that you just said that. Okay, you know what? I came over here to give you my response card. But here. This is my response."

She tears up the response card she had been holding.

Gabrielle: "You don't mean that. That's just a big dramatic gesture."

Susan: "Oh? No.No, this is a big dramatic gesture."

She grabs the centerpiece and throws it against the wall, where it crashes.

Gabrielle: "My flowers!"

Susan: "No. They're my flowers! Enjoy your stolen wedding!"

She grabs some of the flowers and runs out of the house.

OUTSIDE MIKE'S HOUSE

Edie is carrying a bag of groceries to her house when she sees Carlos arguing with a man in front of Mike's house.

Carlos: "You can't do this! I just signed a lease!

Man: "I'm sorry. The law says my mom has seventy-two hours to change her mind. She's exercising that option.

The man gets into his car and drives off.

Edie: "Hey! What's going on?"

Carlos: "I've been evicted."

Edie: "What?"

Carlos: "Yeah. That was Mrs. Sims' kid. She's giving me twenty-four hours to move out of her house."

Edie: "That is so weird."

Carlos: "It gets weirder. He told me Mrs. Sims is praying for my spiritual recovery."

Edie: "Oh. Well, when old folks see the end coming, they get all religious."

Carlos: "I guess. So mind if I crash with you until I can find a new place?"

Edie: "Of course not."

Carlos: "Thanks. I'll bring my stuff over in the morning."

Edie: "Ooh, why wait? I've got boxes in the garage. I'll help you start packing now."

Carlos: "Edie...did you have something to do with this?"

Edie: "What?"

Carlos: "You have to admit, it is kind of a coincidence. You ask me to move in, I say no, I get evicted."

Edie: "How dare you. I offer to put a roof over your head, and you repay me with suspicions and insults? I don't even know that I want you in my house."

Carlos: "Fine. I'll get a motel."

Edie: "Oh, whoa! Uh, hold on. Let's not be hasty."

Carlos: "I knew it. You were behind this."

Edie: "Okay. If you wanna fight, fine. But let's talk about the real issue here. I mean, why are you so reluctant to make a commitment to me?"

Carlos: "I told you. I don't want to talk about this."

Edie: "Well, you never do, but you owe me an explanation. I mean, why don't you want to move in with me?"

Carlos: "Because I'm not in love with you. Edie, I'm sorry. I really like you..."

Edie: "No, I get it. I...it's just a little upsetting because...I'm late."

Carlos: "Ed, you can't be pregnant. You're on the pill."

Edie: "Yeah, well, I might've forgotten to take it a couple of days, and I've been nauseous for an entire week, so I went and got a pregnancy test. I figure I should find out if I'm carrying your love child. Oh, wait, my mistake. Your like child."

EDIE'S HOUSE

A toilet flushes and Edie comes out of the bathroomholding a pregnancy test.

Carlos: "So? What does it say?"

Edie: "It's gonna take a couple more minutes."

She hands it to Carlos, then goes to the couch and sits down. Carlos places the stick on the coffee table.

Edie: "I just peed on that. For god sake, put it on a coaster. Ugh. This is just dandy. I'm forty, single, and knocked up. But on the bright side, the dad's not into me. Hmm."

Carlos: "Edie, if you are pregnant, I'm not gonna let you go through this alone."

Edie: "So what, you're gonna be my lamaze partner?"

Carlos: "No. I'm saying I'll step up. I'll be there to help you raise him."

Edie: "You serious?"

Carlos: "Hey, I was there practically every day to help you with Travers. What makes you think that I would do any less if it were actually my child?"

Edie: "Well, thanks. That's...nice to know."

Carlos: "You know...your spare bedroom...would make a great nursery."

Edie: "Yeah. I guess it would."

Carlos: "I mean, it's right down the hall from the master, so we'd be able to hear him when he was crying."

Edie: "We? You'd move in?"

Carlos: "I told you that I would be here for you. We could even decorate his room in, like, a whole pirate theme. I always wanted to do that if I had a son. You know what would be really cool? Decorate his bed like--like a--like a ship, with a sail and a mast--"

Edie: "Carlos? It's negative."

Carlos: "Oh."

Edie: "Well, that's a relief, huh?"

Carlos: "Yeah. We really dodged a bullet.

Edie: So...let's celebrate, have a drink. Oh, and by the way, you're still welcome to stay till you find a place."

Carlos: "That's nice of you. Thanks."