DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - 03.14 - I REMEMBER THAT

(subtitles by FRM; formatted by Amanda)

Mary Alice: "It had been two months since Mike Delfino had awakened from his coma, and the memories he had lost were finally starting to return. He could now recall the first time he saw Wisteria Lane...and the first time he met his new neighbors... and the first time he heard Susan Mayer laugh. But the memory he most wanted to reclaim still eluded him. That's why he had gone to see a hypnotherapy, so that he could finally remember everything."

Mike is lying on a couch in a hypnotherapist's office. His eyes are closed.

FLASHBACK - MONIQUE'S HOUSE

Monique opens the door to her house, wearing lingerie underneath an untied robe. Mike is standing on her porch, holding his plumber's tools.

Monique: "I thought you'd never get here."

Mike: "I'm sorry. The traffic was terrible."

Monique lets him in, then notices that her robe is open. She closes it.

Monique: "Sorry about that. I called my landlord when the pipe started leaking, and he recommended you. I was so flustered, I couldn't find a piece of paper. I wrote your number on my hand. After you finish the sink, maybe you could help me wash it off."

Mike: "Look...I'm flattered, but I'm seeing somebody."

Monique: "Me, too. But he's married, and I'm drunk."

Later, Mike finishes looking at the sink.

Mike: "Well, your s-trap is cracked. I don't have one with me. I'll have to go to a hardware store."

Monique: "Now? It's late."

Mike: "Yeah, well, that water's just gonna keep seeping, cause a lot more damage. I'll, uh, be back in an hour."

Monique: "I'll be waiting."

Later, Mike returns to Monique's house. The front door is open a little bit. Mike enters.

Mike: "Ms. Polier? I've, uh... got that part for the sink. Hello?"

He walks into the kitchen and sees two gloved hands start to pull themselves up from the floor from the other side of the counter in the middle of the kitchen.

PRESENT DAY

In the hypnotherapist's office, Mike's eyes open.

Therapist: "What happened, Mike?"

Mike: "I almost had it. I was so close."

Therapist: "Close to what?"

Mike: "When I went back to Monique's place, somebody else was there."

Therapist: "Who?"

Mike: "I don't know. I couldn't see it."

Mary Alice: "Yes, there were still many things Mike Delfino couldn't remember..."

Therapist: "Then why are you smiling?"

Mary Alice: "But he'd finally remembered the most important thing of all."

Mike: "'Cause now I know I didn't kill her."

OPENING CREDITS

BREE'S HOUSE

Bree sits up in bed, watching Orson sleep next to her.

Mary Alice: "It was six o'clock in the morning, and Bree Hodge was faced with a dilemma familiar to countless housewives. Should she wake her husband to discuss recent events that were weighing heavily on her mind? Or should she left him continue to get the rest he needed? Bree made the obvious choice."

She takes a glass of water and tosses the water onto his face. Orson wakes up.

Bree: "I'm sorry, but you've been out cold for ten hours, and we need to talk."

Later, Orson is more awake.

Orson: "I remember drinking the scotch and then Alma suddenly sitting up. But after that, nothing."

Bree: "Oh, dear. I'm not sure how to tell you this, but...after Alma knocked you out, she assaulted you."

Orson: "Where?"

Bree: "Sexually. She had sex with you."

Orson: "But that's impossible."

Bree: "Your drink was laced with pills for...erectile dysfunction."

Orson: "But I was dead to the world."

Bree: "No, dear, you were dead to the waist."

Orson: "I had sex with Alma, and I wasn't even conscious? How reminiscent of our marriage."

Bree: "Okay, this is no joke. She raped you, and your mother helped. Look, after we get dressed, we're going to the police."

Orson: "I can't do that."

Bree: "Orson, I know you're embarrassed, but what they did to you was a crime."

Orson: "No, I can't go to the police. Not now, not ever."

Bree: "Orson, your ex-wife is a homicidal rapist, and your mother is straight out of "I, Claudius." Why do you refuse to deal with them?"

Orson: "I think it's time I told you about the night Monique Polier died."

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Julie is in Susan's room as Susan tries to pick out clothing.

Susan: "What do you think of this one?"

Julie: "Pretty sexy. Is sexy what you're going for at the funeral of your boyfriend's wife?"

Susan: "You're right. I'll keep looking."

Julie: "Why are you even going? Won't it be weird?"

Susan: "No, it'll be fine. Ian wants me there."

Julie: "Yeah, but it'll be all of Jane's friends and family, and you'll be the other woman who swooped in like some..."

Susan: "Okay, yes, it'll be weird. But it's not about me. This is about Jane and Ian. What if I wore this one?"

Julie: "Then it'll be about Jane, Ian, and your boobs."

Susan: "I have got to get more depressing clothes. Okay, I just need to keep a low profile through the memorial, 'cause once I get through this, Ian can officially introduce me as his girlfriend, and we'll finally be a normal, non-adulterous couple. What does this one say to you?"

Julie: "Modest, reserved and definitely not dating the dead lady's husband."

Susan: "Sold."

DEPARTMENT STORE

Gabrielle and Zach are wandering around a department store, looking at various items.

Zach: "I'm not gonna get you towels for your birthday. Let's go to the jewelry department."

Gabrielle: "No, Zach, I only accept jewelry from men I plan on sleeping with."

Zach: "Well, okay, so where does that leave me?"

Gabrielle: "You can buy me that toilet seat cover."

Zach: "Fine. All right, we're just friends. Can I at least take you out for a birthday dinner?"

Gabrielle: "There will be no celebration. I'm turning thirty-one. I'm a single woman in her thirties. I now have to subscribe to "Cat Fancy." It's the law."

Zach: "Age is just a number. It doesn't mean anything."

Gabrielle: "It means something to me. Being alone at this age, it's hard, and it's only gonna get harder. I'm so depressed."

Zach: "Let me buy you a car."

Gabrielle: "No, thanks. But I do need a, uh, liquid soap dispenser. Go."

Zach wanders off. Gabrielle is near a display bed, so she lies down on it. A man comes over and begins looking at the bed, but he doesn't notice Gabrielle at first.

Gabrielle: "Hello."

Man: "Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to disturb you. I was just trying to see whether or not this was a regular king or a California king."

Gabrielle: "Well, I think it's a regular. California kings are much longer. Is your...wife particularly tall?"

Man: "Oh, I'm, uh, I'm not married."

Gabrielle: "Oh. Well, why don't you try it out?"

Man: "That's okay. I can wait till you get off."

Gabrielle: "Oh, that'll happen a lot faster if you just hop on board."

Man: "I'm sorry?"

Gabrielle: "It was a...shameless sex joke. I was flirting with you."

Man: "Oh! Right! Sorry, I can be a little dense. Can we start over?"

Gabrielle: "No. Moment's gone. You killed it."

Man: "Uh, look, you know, I'm in a bit of a hurry, but maybe we can try this again sometime."

Gabrielle: "It could happen."

Zach returns.

Zach: "Hey, sorry I took so long."

Man: "Mr. Young?"

Gabrielle: "Oh. You know my friend Zach?"

Zach: "No, I don't think so."

Luke: "I'm Luke...Purdue? I'm on your legal team. I'm taking point on talverson deal."

Zach: "Yeah, right. Hey."

Luke: "Again, it was nice meeting you." (to Zach) "Sir."

Luke leaves.

Zach: "That was really weird. I don't even know the guy, and he works for me."

Gabrielle: "Works for me, too."

BREE'S HOUSE

Bree and Orson are still in their bedroom.

Orson: "Bree..."

Bree: "Please don't touch me. All this time, you've said you wanted the truth. That's before I knew what it was."

Orson: "You see, that's why I've tried to protect you from this."

Bree: "Yeah, but you weren't just trying to protect me, were you?"

Orson: "What do you want me to do?"

Bree: "Exonerate Mike. How could you stand by and let an innocent man be dragged off to prison?"

Orson: "You think I haven't felt terrible?"

Bree: "And this, after he'd been in a coma because some lunatic ran him over."

Orson: "He has had a rough year. I wanna help Mike. How do I do that without implicating myself? I could go to jail."

Bree: "I don't care if you go to jail. You have done a horrible thing, and you have to make it right. I mean it, Orson. If you don't fix this, I will."

Orson: "Well, I guess I'm in no position to argue."

Bree: "No, you're not."

Meanwhile, Andrew had overheard their conversation from the hallway. Orson opens the bedroom door and Andrew rushes to the end of the hall as though he had just been coming around the corner.

Orson: "Morning, Andrew."

Andrew: "Hey, Orson. I was just gonna ask if you guys wanted some coffee."

Orson: "Yeah. Thanks. I could use some. It's gonna be a long day."

WISTERIA LANE

Tom buys one of the twins an ice cream from the ice cream truck. Lynette walks over to them and takes away the ice cream.

Twin: "Mom!"

Lynette: "Dinner is in an hour. You know the rules." (to Tom) "And so do you."

Tom: "I know, I know, but he gave me the face."

Lynette: "You fell for the face. What are you, a rookie?"

Tom: "Okay, you're right. Sorry, buddy. Mom's the boss."

The twin turns to Lynette and makes a sad-looking face.

Lynette: "I feel nothing."

Lynette and the twin go inside. Tom starts to follow them, but Edie comes up to him.

Tom: "Hi, Edie."

Edie: "Hey, Tom. How's the restaurant going? You ready for the big opening?"

Tom: "Oh, we're getting there. Let me give you a coupon. Free extra topping on any medium or large."

Edie: "How nice. But you know what would be even nicer? Hire my nephew to work for you."

Tom: "You know, the coupon's good all week."

Edie: "Look, I don't know what lies you've heard about Austin, but you can't be listening to vicious gossip."

Tom: "I heard he got arrested for beating some guy up."

Edie: "Okay, that one's pretty accurate."

Tom: "Edie, I'm all staffed up."

Edie: "Come on! Help me out. Seriously, ever since Julie dumped him, he's been depressed and mopey. He's driving me crazy. Please, any crappy job you got."

Tom: "Well, I guess I could use an extra guy in back. Have him there tomorrow, eight o'clock in the morning."

Edie: "Thank you. Thank you so, so much."

She starts to walk away.

Tom: "Uh, Edie, you forgot your coupon."

Edie: "Tom, please. You've checked out my butt enough times to know that I don't eat pizza."

GABRIELLE'S HOUSE

Gabrielle opens her front door to find Zach standing on the porch. He comes inside. She continues putting on earrings.

Gabrielle: "Zach!"

Zach: "I know. You said you wanted to be alone for your birthday, but, uh, that's just dumb, so I'm gonna take you out."

Gabrielle: "Oh, that's so sweet, but I, uh..."

Zach: "Don't worry. It's just gonna be one friend keeping another friend company. It's not gonna be a date."

Gabrielle: "Oh, well, um, Luke's gonna be here in twenty minutes, and that kind of will be a date."

Zach: "Luke? That's, uh...my lawyer guy?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah. That isn't a problem, is it? 'Cause this is what friends do. They talk about each other's dates."

Zach: "No, I'm cool. Have a great time. Uh, I'm gonna get out of your hair. So you think this guy's really into you?"

Gabrielle: "Well, he seemed to like me in the mattress department, so here's hoping I like him the mattress department. What? Friends say these things."

ALMA'S HOUSE

Orson goes over to Alma's house. Both Alma and Gloria are there.

Alma: "Orson."

Orson: "Oh, well, I'm in luck. The whole coven's here. I just stopped by to say thank you."

Alma: "Mm...you're welcome. I bought a pregnancy test, but it's too soon to take it."

Orson: "I wasn't talking about the sex. Though hats off, mother, for colluding in my rape. I think it's great that we can still surprise each other. No, I was talking more about what you did for me and Bree."

Alma: "What did I do?"

Orson: "Your little stunt made her so angry, she demanded we go the police. She forced my hand, so I told her everything."

Gloria: "Everything? That is rather unwise."

Orson: "I faced my worst fear, the moment I felt sure would end my marriage, and guess what? It didn't."

Alma: "She forgave you?"

Orson: "Not entirely. Not yet. But she'll come around. The good news is, the months of dread, the fear of discovery...that's all over. So thank you...and good-bye."

Alma: "Wait! I could be carrying your child!"

Orson: "I don't care if you've got the Hodge septuplets in there. I'm sticking with Bree."

He leaves.

Gloria: "Why must he make everything so difficult?"

TOM'S RESTAURANT

Andrew finishes mopping the floor as Lynette walks by.

Andrew: "Oh, uh, floor's done."

Lynette: "I told you I wanted this floor to sparkle like your Mom's. Now does this floor look Bree Hodge clean to you?"

Andrew: "Uh...no. It looks Andrew Van De Kamp clean. But your disappointment in me is very Bree Hodge."

Lynette: "Okay, just for that, you get to help me take out the trash. I know you think I'm being a hard-ass, But I'm just looking for a basic level of professionalism that..."

They go out back and find Austin smoking a joint with another guy. The guy leaves when Lynette and Andrew show up.

Lynette: "Austin? What the hell's going on here?"

Austin: "Just, uh, just talking to the delivery guy. Hey, where'd he go?"

Lynette: "Are you high?"

Austin: "Only...totally."

Lynette: "Austin!"

Andrew: "Dude, not smart."

Austin: "But I have good reason, and when you hear it, you're not gonna make that face anymore. Julie Mayer dumped me, and I'm very...very upset. Your face is not changing."

Lynette: "Get your stuff. Get the hell out of my restaurant. You're fired. Go on."

Andrew: "Floor's looking pretty clean right now, isn't it?"

ALMA'S HOUSE

Alma and Gloria are talking.

Alma: "You said he'd come back to me. You said deep down, he still loves me. Well, you heard him today. He hates me!"

Gloria: "You ravished him against his will. He's bound to be touchy in the short run. I'll handle Orson. You just worry about the baby."

Alma: "He said he doesn't care."

Gloria: "He says that now, but he will not abandon his own flesh and blood."

Alma: "You're his flesh and blood. He put you in a home."

Gloria: "You know, I usually don't say this to expectant mothers, but for God sake, have a scotch."

Alma: "I should just call the police."

Gloria: "What?"

Alma: "I know what he did. If he's never gonna love me, why should I protect him? I'd rather see him in jail than playing house with tammy tightass."

Gloria: "Knock it off, Alma. I will make Orson come around."

Alma: "I don't believe you anymore. She's got her claws in him, and she's not letting go."

Gloria: "Don't be so sure. I was looking over at their house last night, and I saw something very...curious."

Alma: "What?"

Gloria: "You can't see it down here. We need to be up higher."

They go up to the attic. Alma enters first.

Alma: "How can you see anything from here? There's not even a window."

Gloria closes the door and locks Alma in the attic.

Alma: "Gloria? Gloria?!"

Gloria: "Just calm down, sweetheart."

Alma: "Gloria, let me out!"

Gloria: "Stress isn't good for the baby."

Alma: "What are you doing?! Gloria?!"

Gloria walks away.

FUNERAL PARLOR

Susan walks in and goes up to Ian, who is greeting people as they enter.

Susan: "So how are you holding up?"

Ian: "Better, now that you're here."

He leans in to kiss her. She stops him.

Susan: "Oh! No, I wanna, um, keep a low profile."

Ian: "But I've kissed a hundred lips today. I assure you, it would look more conspicuous if I didn't."

He kisses her and after a few seconds, she pushes him away.

Susan: "Okay, that's enough."

She goes into the seating area and sits in the back. A woman goes up to Ian and hugs him. As she and Ian talk, Susan can't seem to help but eavesdrop.

Lynn: "Ian, oh, you must be shattered. I know I am."

Ian: "Thanks for coming, Lynn."

Lynn: "You know, Jane used to kid me about you."

Ian: "Huh. Did she?"

Lynn: "She'd say, "Lynn, if anything ever happens to me, I want you to marry Ian. You're pushy. Maybe you can get him to pick up his socks. " Listen, um, if you ever need to talk, I'm here. Why don't you stop over some night for a home-cooked meal?"

Ian: "Oh, that...that's very kind of you, but I wouldn't dream of putting you out."

Lynn: "Well, I won't take no for an answer. Have you got my number?"

Susan rolls her eyes.

Susan: "I sure as hell do."

Ian: "Well, I'm sure I'll find it in Jane's phone book."

Lynn: "Let me give it to you, just in case. Call anytime."

Lynn walks into the seating area and Susan trips her.

Susan: "Oops. Watch yourself."

Lynn looks at her.

MIKE'S HOUSE

Mike is talking with Carlos.

Mike: "So I was there on a plumbing job. It makes complete sense. I had no reason to want her dead."

Carlos: "I always thought hypnotherapy was a bunch of bull, but damn. This is huge, man. You didn't kill anyone. The murderer has to be this yellow gloves guy."

Mike: "Yeah, but no matter how much I concentrate, I still can't see a face."

Carlos: "Ah, you will. Look at the progress that you've made so far. You're gonna find this guy, and then you're gonna hand his ass over to the cops."

Mike: "Yeah...something like that."

FUNERAL PARLOR

Lynn sits down in the row in front of Susan and begins talking with the woman next to her.

Lynn: "Hey, guys."

Woman: "Well, Ian seems to be holding up."

Lynn: "It's just a mask. The man is devastated. Tomorrow night, I'm gonna swing by his place to offer him a casserole and a shoulder to cry on."