DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - 03.16 - MY HUSBAND, THE PIG

(formatted by Amanda)

Rex: "My name is Rex Van De Kamp. I always hated cemeteries when I was alive. Now that I'm dead, I like 'em even less. Here's where I used to live...a whole lot nicer, don't you think? The place hasn't changed much since I left...as tasteful and tidy as ever. Everything perfect...at least on the surface. My family was the same way. Look at us. You'd never guess how ticked off we all were the day this was taken, but that was the thing about us Van De Kamps. To really fit in, you had to have a smile that gave away nothing. Like my son Andrew...to look at him, you'd never know he spent six months on the streets supporting himself with panhandling and light prostitution. Or my daughter Danielle...does she look like the kind of girl who'd seduce her middle-aged history teacher? I mean, they're my kids, and I love 'em, but I'm pretty darn relieved to be dead. Here's the clown Bree replaced me with...Orson. I don't mind saying, he's creeped me out right from the get-go. To me, he always has the shifty look of a guy who knows where the bodies are buried...and he should know. He buried them. But Bree thinks he's Sir Galahad. The kids like him. And all my friends...now, his friends. So it pleases me to know that at least one of my old neighbors sees right through the guy."

Orson puts Bree in a cab and watches as it drives off. Mike walks up to him.

Orson: "Mike, you, uh, you just missed Bree. She's off to see her folks, and then we're finally taking our honeymoon."

Mike: "Yeah, not a bad time for you to leave town, is it?"

Orson: "Well, I don't follow you."

Mike: "I just keep thinking about that night at Monique's place... how you made sure I left with my wrench, the one with her blood on it."

Orson: "Well, it was your wrench. Why are you rehashing this? My ex-wife confessed in her suicide note. The case is closed."

Mike: "Maybe it shouldn't be. What do you think the police would say if they knew you were there that night?"

Orson: "What do you think they'd say if they knew you threw me off a roof? Oh, Mike. We could make so much trouble for each other, or we can forget what we think we know and be good neighbors. Your call."

He holds out his hand for Mike to shake it. After a hesitation, Mike shakes Orson's hand.

Rex: "No, Orson Hodge isn't exactly the guy I'd have picked to head my family, but I'll give him one thing...he's got the smile down cold."

OPENING CREDITS

Rex: "Take a drive down any street in suburbia. Know what you're gonna see? Desperate women. That's right...one unhappy housewife after another, each completely miserable...in her own unique way. But I don't want to talk about them. No, I want to talk about their men and what happens to a guy when that special lady in his life starts to lose it. Like my friend Carlos. He used to have it all...hot wife, tons of dough, then bam! She gets a divorce, and he gets stuck with the bill. But does he sit around and complain like your average hausfrau? No, Sir. He finds creative ways to get what you can out of life."

MIKE'S HOUSE

Carlos is looking at a singles ad on his laptop. Mike comes down the stairs and Carlos closes the laptop.

Carlos: "Hey, bro! Where you off to?"

Mike: "Oh, the hospital called. They found the stuff I had on me the night of the accident."

Carlos: "Wow. Coma, murder rap...you've had a tough year, buddy. You know what you need? Some pampering. Tomorrow you're checking in to a nice hotel. Room service, jacuzzi, my treat."

Mike: "You trying to get me out of the house?"

Carlos: "Mike, why would I...okay, there's this girl."

Mike: "I knew it."

Carlos: "Dude, she's a dancer, and if her online profile's any indication, she's a complete freak. We're talking serious daddy issues."

Mike: "Look, I'll stay in my room. You'll never hear me."

Carlos: "Yeah, but you'll hear me. I'm kind of exuberant by nature, and when I haven't had it in a while, I kind of do this shrieking thing that, I mean, it is kinda..."

Mike: "Okay, I'll go. Just stop talking."

Carlos: "Thanks, pal! I wouldn't want it to put a weird spin on our friendship."

Mike: "Too late."

Mike leaves.

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Tom is lying in bed, sleeping.

Rex: "This is my friend Tom. Have you heard what he's been up to lately? The silly bastard opened up his own pizza place. He thought that if he was his own boss, he could sleep in as late as he wanted, but the problem with that logic is that married guys..."

Lynette wakes him up.

Lynette: "Hey. It's after nine. Come on, Thomasina, it's time to get up."

Rex "...are never their own boss."

Tom: "Are you as tired as I am?"

Lynette: "More, but I'm tougher, and I complain less."

Tom: "Not when you give birth, and you do that a lot."

Lynette: "Yeah?"

She hits him.

Tom: "Ow!"

Lynette: "Before I forget, you got a call from Chez Nous confirming your reservation for our anniversary."

Tom: "You heard that? I wanted that to be a surprise."

Lynette: "Well, we've been going there for the last seven years. It's not exactly a surprise. Anyway, I hope you don't mind, but I canceled."

Tom: "You canceled? Why?"

Lynette: "Honestly, I just don't feel up to going out this year."

Tom: "But it's our anniversary. It's our ninth anniversary. Come on. The "big nine." That's a year longer than my mom said we would be married. Come on. We gotta party down."

Lynette: "I'm exhausted. Honestly, all I wanna do is pawn the kids off on somebody else, take a long bath and be in bed by eight."

Tom: "Okay."

"Oh, thank you."

"Tom: Thank you, thank you."

She pats his cheeks.

Tom: "Hold it. What about my sex? I always get sex on our anniversary.

Lynette: We can still have sex. Just try not to wake me."

OUTSIDE SUSAN'S HOUSE

Ian walks up the sidewalk to Susan's house.

Rex: "This is Ian. Don't really know the guy, but Susan Mayer seems to like him. The other night, he surprised her with a proposal. She said yes, but he's still a little skittish about the competition. But Ian knows that if love is war..."

Ian enters the house. Susan is drinking coffee at the kitchen table.

"Hey. Where were you off to so early this morning?"

Rex: "...sometimes you gotta bring out the big artillery."

Ian: "I should have had it when I proposed. It's not very good form, I know."

He opens up a ring box with an engagement ring inside.

Susan: "Ian, oh, you can't be serious. Oh, oh, that's just...too much. It's huge."

Ian: "Well, we could go smaller."

Susan: "Oh, no. No one's saying smaller. No, that's crazy talk. Rock me."

She holds out her hand for Ian to put the ring on it, which he does.

Susan: "Oh! Oh, my! Oh, it's so beautiful!

It falls off her hand and rolls underneath the table.

Susan: "Oh! Oh! Oh, okay, nobody move. I got it."

Ian: "I knew I should have measured your finger."

Susan: "No, it's okay. I can get it resized."

Ian: "You should go to the jeweler's right now, and when you get back, we can go and look at some places for the reception."

Susan: "Reception?"

Ian: "Yes, I was hoping we could pull this together for next month."

Susan: "What's the rush? Am I pregnant?"

Ian: "Of course not. I just... well, I just can't wait to be married to you."

Susan: "Are you sure? 'Cause you seem a little anxious."

Ian: "What would I have to be anxious about?"

HOSPITAL

Mike is picking up his items from the hospital. A nurse comes over with a clipboard.

Nurse: "Again, sorry for the mix-up. If you could just sign right here..."

Mike holds up the ring box with the ring in it.

Mike: "I don't remember this. You sure that's mine?"

Nurse: "It was on you the night you were admitted."

Mike: "I got hit by a car. I don't remember anything about that night."

Nurse: "Well, it looks like you were gonna propose to someone."

She reads the inscription on the band.

Nurse: ""Susan, be mine forever. Mike." Does that ring a bell?"

Mike: "It sure does."

MIKE'S HOUSE

Edie knocks on the front door. Carlos answers it.

Edie: "Hey, Carlos."

Carlos: "Hi."

Edie: "I have a little visitor that I thought you might get a kick out of seeing. Remember my little boy?"

A young boy is standing next to Edie. He's wearing a school backpack and holding a basketball.

Carlos: "Hey, Travers. How you doing? Put her there."

They high-five.

Carlos: "I'm Carlos Solis. I think you came by my house one time trick-or-treating."

Edie: "I remember. You gave me a protein bar."

Carlos: "Right. Sorry. My wife forgot to buy candy."

Edie: "Hey, is that football I hear? Go on. Check it out."

Travers goes inside and sits down in front of the TV.

Carlos: "I didn't know your son was coming for a visit."

Edie: "Neither did I. His, uh, father just dumped him here for four weeks so he could jet off with his doctors without borders buddies and fix cleft palates in Kenya. Selfish son of a bitch."

Carlos: "Oh, come on. I mean, you barely even see him. It'll be fun...a chance to bond."

Edie: "Yeah, that's true, but, um...I have this major party tonight, and I was wondering if maybe you could just keep an eye on him for a few hours."

Carlos: "Sorry. I can't tonight."

Edie: "Oh! Come on! You love kids. I mean, didn't you rent that Chinese chick so that you could have one of your own?"

Carlos: "I have a date, too, with a chick so hot I had to turn off the smoke alarms in my house."

Edie: "Fine. Travers, come on. Let's go. This isn't a child-friendly house."

Carlos: "Bye, Travers. It's good to see you."

OUTSIDE A STORE

A distinguished gentleman and his driver walk towards their car. They see Gabrielle walking towards her car.

Driver: "Wow, she's a looker."

Gentleman: "I'll say. Hey, what time's that fund-raiser?"

Driver: "You got an hour."

Gentleman: "Well, then...let's have a little fun."

As Gabrielle backs out of her car, the gentleman's car backs into hers.

Gabrielle: "Look what you did!"

Gentleman: "Don't yell at me. I'm just a passenger."

Gabrielle: "Well, your driver's an idiot!"

Gentleman: "Hey, it's not Clyde's fault. I mean, what man wouldn't be distracted by such beauty?"

Gabrielle: "Now you're hitting on me?"

Gentleman: "I was talking about the car."

Gabrielle: "Well, good. I'm glad you like it, 'cause you're gonna pay to fix this."

Gentleman: "Of course. Five thousand cover it?"

Gabrielle: "Five? Well, sure, I guess."

Gentleman: "I'd rather not file an insurance claim. My opponent could find out and try to make me look bad."

Gabrielle: "Opponent?"

Gentleman: "Oh, well, I guess you don't read the papers. I'm running for mayor. My name's Victor Lang, and I hope I can count on your vote."

Gabrielle takes the check.

Gabrielle: "I think I'd rather vote for the other guy...you know, the one who didn't wreck my car?"

She gets into her car and drives off.

Clyde: "Oh, you're off your game. You didn't even get a phone number."

Victor: "Oh, don't worry. I'll be seeing her again."

Clyde: "How can you be so sure?"

Victor: "I didn't sign the check."

CAR WASH

Julie pulls her car into the automatic car wash. Right before it goes underneath the water, Austin runs up and gets in the car.

Julie: "What the hell are you doing?"

Austin: "We need to talk."

Julie: "No, we don't. Get out."

Austin: "Please. You won't return my calls."

Julie: "Well, I've been busy. Plus, my Mom caught you naked on top of my friend."

Austin: "Just read this, and if you still don't want to talk to me, then I'll never bother you again."

He hands her a folded sheet of paper.

Julie: "Fine, I'll read it, but only if you get out of the car right now."

Austin: "Now? But the...the hot wax is starting."

Julie: "I know. Tick-tock."

Austin: "Uh...Aah!"

He gets out of the car.

BREE'S HOUSE

Andrew bangs on the bathroom door.

Andrew: "You're still in there? How long does it take to pluck that unibrow?"

Danielle: "Leave me alone!"

Andrew: "Danielle, I have to be at work in ten minutes. Now can I please just come in and brush my teeth?"

Danielle: "I'm having a really bad day, all right? Just go away!"

Andrew: "I'm gonna have a really bad day, too. I tend not to get tipped when my breath stinks."

She opens the door.

Danielle: "I'm pregnant."

She closes the door.

JEWELER'S

Mike is waiting by the ring counter when Susan walks in and stands next to him.

Susan: "Mike, what are you doing here?"

Mike: "Oh, hey, um, I'm just selling some old jewelry."

A young woman who works there comes over to Mike.

Woman: "I spoke to my manager. There's gonna be a charge to remove the inscription, but, uh, we can refund you for the engagement ring."

Mike: "That'll be fine."

Susan: "Was that the ring that you bought for..."

Mike: "Yeah."

Woman: "Can I help you?"

Susan: "Uh, yeah, I, uh, have to get this sized. It's...it's a little loose."

Woman: "Do you know your size?"

Susan: "No."

Mike: "Congratulations, by the way. Ian...seems great."

Susan: "Thanks."

Woman: "I can't find my sizer. Um, here. Try this one."

Susan: "Oh, no, th..."

Woman: "How's that fit?"

Susan: "It's perfect."

She stands there staring at the ring on her finger.

Woman: "Great. Can I have it back now?"

Susan: "Oh! Oh, s-sorry."

OUTSIDE MIKE'S HOUSE

Carlos is mowing the lawn when Tom comes over to him.

Tom: "Hey, you've got a cousin in the limo business, don't you?"

Carlos: "Actually, I've got a cousin in the "limo as a front for prostitution" business. He's in jail. Why do you ask?"

Tom: "Oh, I'm, uh, I'm just planning a big thing for my anniversary."

Carlos: "Aren't you just gonna go to Chez Boring, like you do every year?"

Tom: "No. Lynette's so over that, she was ready to bag the whole night, so got me thinking. Nine years...time to shake things up. Now I'm planning the greatest anniversary of all time. Check this out. Lynette's gonna open the door to find a limo driver with a dozen roses and a card. The card is gonna tell her to go with the guy, not ask any questions. He'll drive her out to the country. He'll drop her off, then drive away. Just as she is starting to freak out, I show up in a horse-drawn carriage, which takes us up to Whitman's Bluff, where we eat a catered dinner, listen to a professional violinist. Afterwards, when we come home, I'm sure Lynette will think of a way to thank me."

Carlos: "You're one romantic son of a bitch."

Tom: "Wh-hoo! I have my moments."

VICTOR'S OFFICE

Victor is speaking with a reporter.

Victor: "Of course I'm not questioning Mayor Johnson's family values. I'm sure they're what prompted him to put his sisters, brother-in-law and six of his cousins on the city payroll."

Gabrielle stands in the doorway.

Victor: "Now, uh, if you'll excuse me, I have to cut this interview short. I have some very important business to attend to."

The reporter leaves and Gabrielle comes in.

Victor: "Ms. Solis, what a nice surprise. Are you here to make a contribution to my campaign?"

Gabrielle: "Not exactly."

She pulls out the check he gave her and hands it over.

Victor: "Oh, no. Did I forget to s...I'm so sorry. Let me make it up to you. I'll take you to dinner. My treat."

Gabrielle: "It would be your treat. I'm a hot date. What's in it for me?"

Victor: "Well, I have, uh, "an ingratiating wit, trustworthy smile," according to the "Plainview Herald.""

Gabrielle: "Yeah. Check, please."

Victor: "My family also owns Lang Enterprises. Dad's worth a...few hundred mil."

Gabrielle: "Well, a girl's gotta eat."

Victor: "Great. I'll take you to Cucina. There's no place harder to get into."

Gabrielle: "That's what you think."

She leaves.

OUTSIDE SUSAN'S HOUSE

Mike hands Ian a check for $8,500.

Ian: "Mike, this is completely unnecessary. My paying for your lawyer was a favor. It wasn't a loan."

Mike: "I-I appreciate it, but I just don't like to owe anybody."

Ian: "Well, I-I just don't want you to have any trouble getting back on your feet."

Mike: "No, it's fine. I had a windfall. The hospital gave me back an engagement ring I didn't even know I had."

Ian: "Oh, really? So you sold it? You should have kept it till the right girl comes along."

Mike: "Well, I...couldn't give this ring to just anyone."

Ian: "Oh, right, the, um, the inscription."

Mike: "How'd you know it was inscribed?"

Ian: "Well, I-isn't that the custom? Uh, I just assumed it was. Well, uh, listen, I-I've got to get some fresh rags. Uh, thanks for the check. I'll see you around."

Mike: "Oh, you can count on it."

EDIE'S HOUSE

Austin and Danielle are talking.

Austin: "Are you sure?"

Danielle: "Yes. I peed on five different sticks. Would you put that burrito away? It's making me nauseous."

Austin: "Join the club. Look, I-I know your parents are religious, but I know this clinic."

Danielle: "Absolutely not!"

Austin: "So what other choice do we have?"

Danielle: "Well, gee, you could, like, uh, marry me?"

Austin: "Marry you?! I can't stand you."

Danielle: "Oh, nice way to talk to the mother of your child! Oh, God. Bathroom."

She rushes off. Julie comes in the house.

Julie: "Hey."

Austin: "Julie. Hi. Uh, hey."

Julie: "Your door was open. Can I come in?"

Austin: "Uh, wh-what are you doing here?"

Julie: "I read your letter. I had no idea it would be so sweet. I could really tell it came from your heart. I'm embarrassed to admit, I...cried."

Retching is heard in the background.

Austin: "Uh, my Aunt Edie sort of tied one on last night."

Julie: "Oh. Anyway, I-I guess what I'm saying is...Okay."

Austin: "Okay? Uh..."

Julie: "We can try again."

Austin: "Julie, that's great! And I want to talk about this, uh, but I just kinda need to take care of my aunt. Can I call you tomorrow?"

Julie: "Sure. Oh, we're gonna have to take things slow, 'cause it'll be a while before I can trust you again."

Austin: "I understand."

Julie leaves.

RESTAURANT

Victor and Gabrielle are sitting at a table in a fancy restaurant. A waiter takes their plates.

Victor: "Thank you, Bruno. The veal was excellent. Feel like dessert?"

Gabrielle: "No, thank you. I'm stuffed."

Victor: "Then let me propose a toast. To a delightful evening, and to the happy accident that brought us together."

Gabrielle: "Victor, you are so full of crap."

Victor: "What?"

Gabrielle: "There was no accident. I know you told your chauffeur to ram my car."

Victor: "Why would I do that?"

Gabrielle: "Uh, for the same reason you forgot to sign the check. You've been working me since the second we met, and I've been on to you every step of the way. What? What's so funny? I just called you a manipulative jerk."

Victor: "I think I underestimated you. I also think this relationship just got a lot more interesting."

Gabrielle: "There is no relationship. This is our last date."

Victor: "You didn't have any fun?"

Gabrielle: "It was okay. You know, you told a few good jokes. You're sorta charming. You're not bad-looking. I just think I can do better."

Victor: "Have you not noticed? I'm a catch."

Gabrielle: "I have noticed, and I'm throwing you back."

Victor: "Gaby, let me tell you something. For my whole life, whenever I've truly wanted something, I've always gotten it. And tonight, right around the time you were calling me a manipulative jerk, I decided I truly want... you. So brace yourself. The chase is on."