DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - 03.12 - NOT WHILE I'M AROUND

(formatted by Amanda)

Mary Alice: "Your average housewife worries constantly about the dangerous people

she sees on the nightly news, which is why she buy expensive alarm systems, carries pepper spray in her purse and keeps a gun in her drawer, so she can go about her day

feeling safe and protected."

The various housewives protect themselves by setting alarms, putting baseball bats by the front door, etc.

Mary Alice: "Your average inmate worries constantly about the dangerous people he comes in contact with every day, which is why he takes ordinary items and turns them into weapons that he always keeps handy, so he can go about his day feeling safe and protected."

In prison, Mike Delfino takes a toothbrush and spends time sharpening the end of it before slipping it in his sock to hide it.

Mary Alice: "What is the difference between the housewife and the inmate? The inmate knows the feeling won't last long."

PRISON

Mike wanders into the exercise yard and as he passes by two other inmates, they nudge each other, then get up and follow Mike, where they corner him.

Inmate: "Delfino, right?"

Mike: "Yeah. So?"

The men attack him. As they kick and punch him, Paul Young comes rushing over and fights off the attackers.

Inmate: "Come on, bro, let's go."

The attackers leave.

Paul: "You okay?"

Mike: "Yeah. I owe you one."

Paul: "Yeah. I guess you do."

They wander off separately.

Mary Alice: "Yes, we all need protection from those who would do us harm..."

Paul finds the two inmates who beat up Mike and surreptitiously hands one of them some cash as he walks by.

Mary Alice: "And sometimes from those who protect us."

OPENING CREDITS

Mary Alice: "Wild parties. Handsome strangers. Tender kisses."

Gabrielle is in a car with friends. They drop her off in front of her house.

Gabrielle: "Oh. I had a great time. Bye."

She walks up to her house and unlocks the front door.

Mary Alice: "Yes, there were many things Gabrielle Solis liked about being single again. But coming home to an empty house was not one of them."

She steps inside and screams as she sees a figure standing there. She throws her purse at it and turns on the light to reveal a mannequin wearing an expensive dress.

A few minutes later, she knocks on Mike's front door and Carlos opens the door.

Gabrielle: "Hi. You're sleeping at my place tonight."

Carlos: "Really? What did you have in mind?"

Later, at Gabrielle's house, Carlos is lying on the couch and Gabrielle hands him a pillow.

Carlos: "God, I hate my life."

Gabrielle: "Honestly, did you think I was gonna sleep with you?"

Carlos: "It would be the polite way to thank me."

Gabrielle: "Carlos, this isn't funny. I am scared to death of this maniac."

Carlos: "Since when? Yesterday you were loving all the presents, the intrigue."

Gabrielle: "The guy broke into the house. He went from secret admirer to stalker. For all I know, he's trying to kill me so no one else will have me."

Carlos: "Why don't you just call the cops?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, and tell them what? 9-1-1, somebody broke in the house and left a six thousand dollar dress!"

Carlos: "Okay, so if this guy shows up again, what am I supposed to do, exactly?"

Gabrielle: "Nothing. Just having you here helps."

Carlos: "Now that's very sweet."

Gabrielle: "Because when he breaks in and starts hacking you up with his machete, your screams will wake me up, and then I'll be able to escape."

Carlos: "Glad I could help."

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Lynette is sitting on the table drinking wine when a key turns in the front door and Tom comes inside.

Lynette: "Hey, stranger."

Tom: "Hey."

Lynette: "You have good timing. I just got all the kids to sleep."

Tom: "Aw, damn, I wanted to tuck 'em in."

Lynette: "Well, you could tuck me in."

Tom: "I thought I smelled your sex perfume. Come here. Hi."

He leans Lynette back on the table so he's nearly lying on top of her.

Lynette: "Hi."

Tom: "Hi."

Lynette: "Mmm."

Tom: "Oh, oh, oh, mmm. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't get me all revved up just yet. The printer said he was gonna drop off my menu on his way home."

Lynette: "He already did."

Tom: "Oh, you didn't look at that, did you? 'Cause it--it's just a mock-up."

Lynette: "Too late. I looked...and it's great."

Tom: "Really?"

Lynette: "Yes. I love the font, the color, everything. I am so jazzed to see the restaurant."

Tom: "It is so good to hear that. Mmm."

Lynette: "Ooh!"

They begin kissing again.

Lynette: "So... any idea when that might be?"

Tom: "Sure. How about... two weeks?"

Lynette: "Hey. You open in two weeks."

Tom: "Yeah. Well, that'd be a good time for you to come by, 'Cause there's free refills,

balloons, music..."

Lynette: "Might there be a V.I.P. preview for people, say, who bore your children?"

Tom: "Lynette..."

Lynette: "Yeah?"

Tom: "I don't want you to see it until it's all done."

Lynette: "Why not?"

Tom: "Because you will take one look at the place. And then you'll have all these tips and suggestions that you just won't be able to keep to yourself."

Lynette: "Ya think? 'Cause I just saw a take-out menu with a six-digit phone number, and I kept that to myself."

Tom: "See? There it is! That snarky, know-it-all attitude."

Lynette: "What? I am snarky because I point out one small, glaring mistake?"

Tom: "That's it. Now you're banned from the opening."

Lynette: "Fine! Good night."

She gets up and goes up the stairs.

Tom: "So... we're not having sex?"

Lynette: "Hey, you banned me from your opening."

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Julie and Austin are sitting at the kitchen table, talking.

Julie: "All I'm saying is that I'd feel a lot safer on the pill."

Austin: "But if you're not eighteen, you need parental consent. Do we really need to give your mother another reason to hate me?"

Julie: "She'll hate you a lot worse if you get me--Hey!"

Susan walks into the room with a basket of laundry. She stops.

Julie: "Hi."

Susan: "Hi. Bye."

Julie: "Bye."

Austin: "Bye."

She goes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, she quietly puts down the basket of laundry and gets on her hands and knees to creep back down the stairs to eavesdrop.

Austin: "Can't we just keep using condoms and be extra careful?"

Julie: "Are you crazy? They're not dependable."

Austin: "Sure, they are. Why do you think everybody uses them? They all have to pass inspection."

Julie: "It's too risky. Condoms are only eighty-five percent effective."

Susan falls down the stairs.

Julie: "Mom! Mom, what happened? Are you okay?"

Susan: "Oh! I was just, uh...I lost an earring."

Julie: "Mom, you're wearing both your earrings."

Susan: "Oh! I found it. Austin, I would like to talk to my daughter privately."

Austin: "Sure. Call me later."

He leaves.

Susan: "Why were you two talking about condoms?"

Julie: "Why were you eavesdropping?"

Susan: "Don't change the subject. Are you two having sex? Because I thought that I raised you to be smarter than that. Don't you realize that sex is not fun and games? It's dangerous. Every time you turn around, there's a new disease. Do you want it to burn when you pee?"

Julie: "Mom-"

Susan: "Sex kills!"

Julie: "Mom!"

Susan: "What?"

Julie: "I'm not having sex."

Susan: "Really?"

Julie: "Really."

Susan: "Oh, thank god. If you're not having sex, why were you talking about condoms?"

Julie: "Because we know two kids at school who are, and they're only using condoms, which really stupid because condoms are only eighty-five percent effective."

Susan: "Yes. That's right. A condom alone will not protect you."

Julie: "I totally agree."

OUTSIDE BREE'S HOUSE

Bree looks out her window and sees Edie across the street with Alma at Alma's new house. She goes outside to where Edie and Alma are.

Alma: "Bree!"

Bree: "Alma! I-I didn't know that, uh, you knew Edie."

Alma: "I told your friends at that dinner party I was looking for a new house."

Bree: "A house?"

Alma: "Yes, and Gaby introduced us."

Bree: "Oh. Well, um...I don't want to keep you. I'm sure that Edie has lots of other houses to show you."

Alma: "Nope. We're done. Alma took one look at the Applewhite house, and bam! Love at first sight."

Bree: "What?"

Alma: "We're gonna be neighbors."

Bree: "No! I mean...I mean, no, Alma, you can't buy this house."

Alma: "Why not?"

Bree: "Well, are you aware of its history? The previous owner was harboring a murderer.

Edie: "It was her son. Say what you like, she was a great mom."

Bree: "They had a dungeon in the basement. I mean, people say they still hear groans coming from the house at night."

Alma turns to look at the house and Edie leans over to Bree and whispers in her ear.

Edie: "They're gonna hear groans coming from your house if you don't zip it."

Alma turns back to Bree and Edie.

Bree: "Don't worry, Alma, I'm sure that, uh, Edie can find you a house that won't give you nightmares."

Alma: "It's too late, Bree. I've fallen in love with this neighborhood. And as for that haunted house stuff...well, that's just silly. People don't come back from the dead."

She and Edie walk off.

Bree: "Don't I wish."

BREE'S HOUSE

Orson and Bree are making dinner.

Bree: "I will not have that woman as a neighbor. You have got to do something."

Orson: "I said I'd talk to her."

Bree: "So what are you waiting for?"

Orson: "The house is dark. She's not there."

Bree: "Oh, so you're just gonna wait until she moves in?

Orson: "I will deal with it. Bree, please calm down."

Bree: "How can I be calm?! For months, people thought you killed your first wife. No sooner does she show up and clear your name, than the police haul you off to ask you about another murder!"

Orson: "They just had some questions."

Bree: "Everybody has questions. Susan and I aren't even speaking because of it."

Orson: "Bree, please."

Bree: "I try to hold my head up and smile and just bake more pies for the church social. But now your ex is camped out on our doorstep like I am hosting some kind of Mormon slumber party, and I do not know how I am gonna bake my way out of this one!"

Orson: "Darling, I swear to you, I will get Alma out of that house. I don't care if I have to live up to my reputation and strangle her."

Bree: "Oh, you're a good husband."

EDIE'S HOUSE

Julie and Austin are sitting on Edie's couch while Edie stands.

Edie: "Have you lost your mind? I am not getting you the pill."

Austin: "Aunt Edie, Julie and I are in love."

Edie: "Oh, please. It's not love you're feeling. It's hormones."

Austin: "That's not true."

Edie: "Okay, fine. If you want to...express your love, you don't need to go all the way. Kiss. Touch. Rub. I mean, whatever happened to heavy petting? It's so underrated."

Austin: "That's your advice?"

Edie: "Well, I'm sorry. I've never been good at getting people not to have sex."

Julie: "So you're not gonna help us?"

Edie: "Julie, if I do this, your mother would have my head. You should be talking to her.

Julie: "I can't talk to her. The whole idea of this completely freaks her out. She started screaming 'sex kills.'"

Edie: "Hmm, so now it's all in my lap. God, she pisses me off. Look, how about I spring for a box of condoms? Will that get you two off my back?"

Julie: "Condoms are only eighty-five percent effective."

Edie: "Is that true? Damn. I thought I could coast all the way to menopause."

Austin: "Look, we're gonna have sex whether you help us or not."

Julie: "We're just trying to be responsible."

Edie: "Hmm. All right. But just so you know, the responsible thing is to abstain from sex and focus on your studies. There. I said it out loud, just in case anybody asks."

GABRIELLE'S HOUSE

Carlos walks into Gabrielle's bedroom. She's in the dressing room, with the doors closed.

Carlos: "Gaby, I need another pillow."

Gabrielle: "All right. Don't take the big one. That's my favorite."

Carlos: "It's only for one night. 'Cause tomorrow I'm gonna be back home sleeping in my own bed."

Gabrielle: "What?! You can't abandon me! There's a madman stalking me. My life is on the line. Do you know how scared I am?"

She opens the dressing room doors to reveal that she's wearing the dress her stalker gave her.

Carlos: "You're keeping that?"

Gabrielle: "Hey, I'm scared, but not of the dress."

Later that night, a car door slams in the distance and Gabrielle wakes up. She looks out the window and sees a man walking toward her house. She rushes downstairs and wakes up Carlos.

Gabrielle: "Carlos! Carlos, wake up! I need you!"

Carlos: "Oh, yeah, I thought you'd come around."

Gabrielle: "What? No!"

She slaps him. He wakes up fully.

Carlos: "Hey!"

Gabrielle: "He's here."

The man puts something down on Gabrielle's front porch. Carlos opens the door and the man runs. Carlos runs after him and tackles him on the front lawn.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, be careful! He might have a gun!"

She runs up to him when Carlos has him down and she begins to kick him.

Man: "I'm unarmed. Stop kicking me!"

Gabrielle: "Oh, now you're gonna give me attitude?!"

Man: "Ow!"

Carlos: "Gaby, we got him. Maintain."

Later, the man is sitting on the front porch with his cell phone to his ear as Carlos and Gabrielle stand over him.

Gabrielle: "This jerk has been terrorizing me. He broke into my house!"

Man: "It was a six thousand dollar dress, and my boss didn't want me leaving it on the porch."

Gabrielle: "Your boss?"

The man speaks into the cell phone.

Man: "Hey, uh, ahem, I'm sorry to wake you, sir, but there was a problem dropping off the gift. Yes, and she's, uh, right here with me."

Gabrielle grabs the phone away.

Gabrielle: "This is Gabrielle. Who the hell is this? Yes, I got your 'token of esteem,' and I'm not impressed. Because you're freaking me out, that's why! No, I don't care how much it cost. That's beside the point. Really? That much?"

Carlos: "Tell him if he doesn't stop harassing you, you're gonna call the cops."

Gabrielle: "Look, I know you're trying to be romantic, But if you keep this up, I'm gonna be forced..."

She pauses and laughs.

Carlos: "What'd he say?"

Gabrielle: "That's very sweet of you, but I am not the most beautiful woman in the world."

Carlos: "Tell him you're gonna get a restraining order on him."

Gabrielle: "Yes, I-I may be in the top ten."

Carlos: "Gaby!"

Gabrielle: (to Carlos) "Hey, I'm talking here!" (into the phone) "Your voice sounds so familiar. Do I know you?" (to Carlos) "He says I know him and that he wants to reintroduce himself at dinner."

Carlos: "Absolutely not."

Gabrielle: "I would not feel comfortable meeting for dinner."

Carlos: "Good girl."

Gabrielle: "How about lunch?"

Carlos: "Gaby!"

Gabrielle: "But you have to promise to stop buying me these expensive gifts. Because I'm not that kind of girl. Well, for that many karats, yes, I could be that kind of girl. Um, I gotta go. I'll talk to you tomorrow! Oh, how about that? And here I was, thinking some guy wants to murder me in my sleep."

Carlos: "The night's still young."

Carlos goes inside.

PRISON

Paul goes up to Mike.

Paul: "How are those ribs?"

Mike: "Ah, just needed some tape. Man, those guys were hard-core. You really saved my ass."

Paul: "Don't mention it."

Mike: "No. Seriously. If there's ever anything I can do for you, you just say the word."

Paul: "I'll keep that in mind."

Mike: "All right."

Paul walks off. A guard motions Mike over.

Guard: "Hey, Delfino."

Mike: "Yeah, boss?"

Guard: "You might wanna find yourself another prom date. Guy's not your friend."

Mike: "How do you know that?"

Guard: "After those mutts knocked you around the other day, your boy paid 'em off."

Mike: "You sure?"

Guard: "I saw money change hands. Just watch your back."

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Gabrielle is sitting at the kitchen table while Susan prepares coffee.

Susan: "So I was in the middle of totally freaking out when Julie assured me that she's not having sex. I can't tell you how relieved I was."

Gabrielle: "Uh-huh."

Susan: "Don't say "uh-huh" like that. Julie wouldn't lie to me. If she says she's not having sex, then she's not having sex."

Gabrielle: "Ooh-kay."

Susan: "You can't say "ooh-kay" like that, either. Julie's not like other girls. She's a straight-"A" student."

Gabrielle: "And you were valedictorian. What were you up to that your mother didn't know about?"

Later, the two of them are in Julie's bedroom.

Susan: "Ok, you search the closet. I'm gonna look under the bed."

Gabrielle: "Wait, wait, wait. First rule of ransacking-remember where everything goes."

She takes out her camera phone and takes three quick pictures of the room from various angles.

Susan: "You are gonna make a really good mother someday."

Gabrielle: "So what does this diary look like?"

Susan: "Uh, it's small. It's got a plaid cover. Oh, and when you find it, you have to read it because I promised her that I would always respect her privacy. Now help me flip this mattress."

Gabrielle: "Oh, god!"

Susan: "You found it?"

Gabrielle pulls a miniskirt out of the closet and holds it up to herself.

Gabrielle: "This is adorable! You think maybe I could-"

Susan: "No, you cannot borrow it."

Gabrielle: "Fine. Why does Julie have a VCR?"

Susan: "To watch movies."

Gabrielle: "Please. Kids don't watch videos anymore. Everything's digital."

Susan goes over and pushes the Eject button on the VCR. A videotape pops out.

Susan: "See? It's just a tape."

Gabrielle: "Is it?"

Gabrielle pulls out the tape and opens it to reveal birth control pills.

ALMA'S HOUSE

Alma is measuring for drapes when Orson walks inside.

Orson: "Alma. What do you think you're doing?"

Alma: "Measuring for drapes. I'm thinking damask."

Orson: "You know what I mean. Why have you moved here?"

Alma: "Well, it's a very nice street, and I've made friends here. People have taken such an interest in me."

Orson: "Yeah, they thought you were dead. The novelty of your not being a corpse can't last forever. What are you after, hmm? Are you still punishing me? You want me to pay you to leave? What?"

Alma: "I want what I've always wanted--You."

Orson: "I'm married. And--And even if I weren't, I don't love you."

Alma: "You didn't love the old Alma. I'm not that woman anymore. I'm stronger, more confident. It may take you a while to see that, but I can wait."

Orson: "Alma, I love Bree."

Alma: "But does she love you? Oh, she may love the Orson she knows..."

The two of them step out onto the porch.

Alma: "But does she know what you did to Monique? Does she know you ran over Mike Delfino? I know all that. I still love you. Would she?"

Orson: "So I see you've spoken to mother."

Alma: "Yes. It's nice to have someone on my side in all of this. Don't worry. I won't tell Bree. She might go to the police and you're no good to me in jail. But if I thought I had no chance with you, no chance at all...well, there'd be nothing to stop me from telling. Please, Orson, don't take away my hope."

She leans over and kisses Orson on the cheek. Across the street, Bree watches from her house.

BREE'S HOUSE