Desperate Housewives - Episode 03.08 - Children and Art

Karen McCluskey's House

Mrs. McCluskey walks out of her house.

"Karen McCluskey had always believed in helping others, whether they wanted her help or not."

Flashback

A neighbor opens his door to find Karen standing there, holding a paintbrush with blue paint on it.

Neighbor: "What's all this?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "You know how you never got around to painting your garage door? Well, it's done. Hope you like blue."

She hands him the paint and brush.

Flashback

Ida Greenberg opens her door to find Karen standing there, holding up a cat.

Ida: "Baxter! You found him!"

Mrs. McCluskey: "Yeah, and I got him neutered, too. I figured you wouldn't want any more strays around here."

Flashback

Alberta opens her door to find Karen standing there, holding up Christmas decorations.

Alberta: "Karen!"

Mrs. McCluskey: "Hi, Alberta. I took these down for you since, you know, Christmas was six months ago."

She hands Alberta the decorations.

Present Day

"Yes, Mrs. McCluskey's helping hand was known throughout Wisteria Lane. But on this day, it was about to get slapped."

Mrs. McCluskey walks up to Mike's padlocked garage and begins fitting a key in it. Edie comes out of the house and walks up to her.

Edie: "What the hell are you doing?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "Jeez, Edie, you scared me. What are you doing here?"

Edie: "Getting Mike's house ready. He comes back from the hospital tomorrow. Since when do you have a key to his garage?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "He gave me one in case of an emergency."

Edie: "Don't lie to me, prune."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Fine, I found it under his mat. Look, I'm not doing anything wrong. I just come over once a week and start his mower so the engine doesn't get rusty."

Edie: "And do you mow your lawn with it, too?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "What's the big deal? I'm doing him a favor."

Edie: "Well, he doesn't need any favors from you. I'm gonna go through Mike's house room by room, and if I find as much as one paper clip missing, I'm calling the cops."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Funny you should talk about stuff that's missing. I found those pictures of Mike and Susan you threw out."

Edie: "Pictures?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "Oh, don't act for me. I know that Mike's been having troubles with his memory. My guess...you don't want him to remember how crazy he was about his old girlfriend."

Edie: "I don't need to resort to deception to land a man."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Oh, Edie, I saved the pictures. And I can show them to Mike anytime I like."

"Yes, Karen McCluskey believed in helping others..."

Edie: "Where are you going with this?"

"Which she felt gave her the right to help herself."

Later, Karen is walking back down Mike's driveway, pushing the lawn mower in front of her and looking very pleased with herself.

Opening Credits

Wisteria Lane

A scout leader is giving a pep talk to her charges.

Scout Leader: "So remember to be polite..."

"Each year as part of their fund-raising drive, the Fairview Adventure Scouts would award a shiny new bike to whoever sold the most magazine subscriptions. And each scout would set out utterly convinced the prize would be hers. That's the beauty of youth. Little girls believe anything is possible...that is, until they grow up and get divorced."

Gabrielle's House

One of the Adventure Scouts goes up to Gabrielle, who is sitting on her front porch, filing her nails.

Girl: "Hi. What if I told you there is a way you could help children, while also reading your favorite magazines at a reduced price? Would you like to hear more?"

Gabrielle: "Sure, knock yourself out."

Girl: "Wise choice. For the lady of the house, we offer Redbook, Glamour, Vog-you..."

Gabrielle: "I think you mean Vogue, sweetie."

Girl: "You sure?"

Gabrielle: "I should know. I was on the cover."

Girl: "No way."

Gabrielle: "Uh, way."

Later, Gabrielle shows the girl her scrapbook of her modeling pictures.

Gabrielle: "Oh, see that coat I'm wearing in this shot? That's genuine ocelot fur. Although the photographer was the real animal, if you know what I'm saying...which I hope you don't. And don't ever do drugs, okay?"

Girl: "Being a model must be so amazing. Why did you stop?"

Gabrielle: "Well, I fell in love, got married and moved to the suburbs for the whole fairy-tale happy ending thing. That was a crock."

Girl: "So, you going back to modeling?"

Gabrielle: "No. No, no, no, no, no, no."

Girl: "Why not? What else are you gonna do?"

Lynette's Porch

Susan, Bree, and Gabrielle are all on Lynette's porch, talking.

Bree: "You're going back to modeling? This is so sudden."

Gabrielle: "Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'm just gonna fly to New York, meet with my old agent, and take it from there. Come on, you guys, this is exciting. Be happy for me."

Susan: "Oh, we are. We're just gonna miss you, that's all."

Gabrielle: "Well, now that my divorce is final, I need a reason to wake up in the morning. I have this hole in my life that can't be filled by shopping. That's right, I said it."

Tom's car pulls into the driveway.

Susan: "Oh, my gosh, Lynette!"

Tom and Lynette get out of the car. Lynette's arm is in a sling.

Tom: "I'll get the kids. They're dying to see you."

Susan: "Hey."

Lynette: "Hey! Oh, my gosh! You didn't have to do this! Hi!"

Gabrielle: "You look great. Well, apparently, taking a thirty-eight slug to the shoulder agrees with you."

Lynette: "Yeah, um, listen, about that...the kids don't know what happened."

Susan: "They don't?"

Lynette: "I thought they were little young to deal with their mother getting shot. All I told them is Kayla is staying with her grandmother, and I made up a story about how I got hurt."

The kids come running out of the house.

Boys: "Hey, Mom!"

Lynette: "Oh, here they are! Hey!"

Boys: "Mommy!"

Lynette: "Hello.Oh, this side. Hi!"

Boys: "Hello! I can't believe you got in a fight with a hobo."

Lynette: "Yeah..."

She sees the look on her friends' faces.

Lynette: "Well, let's see how well you do on a morphine drip."

Twin: "Mommy, come inside. We helped Mrs. McCluskey make your favorite lunch."

Lynette: "Fantastic! Lead the way, I'm coming in."

Boys: "Hurry up. I'm hungry. Let's go. Let's go."

The boys run inside and Lynette goes up to Tom, who's holding Penny.

Lynette: "There she is! Hi, my little bunny!"

Lynette: "Hey, why don't you go inside and get the party started? And I've gotta.."

She gestures across the street to where Art is watering his lawn.

Lynette: "Okay?"

Tom: "Gotcha."

Lynette: "Hi, bunny. I'll be right there."

She crosses the street.

Lynette: "Hey."

Art: "Hey, Lynette!"

Lynette: "Uh, yeah."

Art: "You're home."

Lynette: "Yeah."

Art: "How you doing?"

Lynette: "I'm good. I just, how do I thank the man who saved my life?"

Art: "You don't have to say anything."

Lynette: "I'm gonna make you a cake."

Art: "A cake?"

Lynette: "Yeah. I never make cakes. This is huge."

Art: "In that case, thanks."

She hugs him.

Lynette: "Yeah, I'm gonna make you a cake."

Bree's House

Bree is writing out Christmas cards at the dining room table with Andrew while Christmas carols play in the background. Orson walks in.

Orson: "Christmas carols? It's not even Thanksgiving."

Bree: "I'm starting my cards early this year. It puts me in the mood to spread holiday cheer."

Andrew: "With the pack of lies in this family newsletter, she spreads holiday denial."

Bree: "Andrew, it's etiquette. Nobody wants to read the truth at Christmas."

Orson: "Well said, darling."

Bree: "Honey, would you put on another CD? Something with sleigh bells."

Andrew leaves.

Bree: "Oh, by the way, Orson, I need your mother's address at the nursing home."

Orson: "Oh, well, I appreciate the thought, darling, but you needn't send her a card."

Bree: "Oh, don't be silly. I'm sending one to the man who reads our gas meter. I can certainly send one to your mother."

Orson: "She's completely senile. She'll only try to dunk it in her coffee."

Bree: "Well, all the more reason to send her one. Let the nurses know that she has family at home who loves her and who could drop by at any minute and slap them with a lawsuit."

Orson: "Bree, I hear what you're saying..."

Bree: "Orson, what's the big deal? It's just an address."

Orson: "Fine. I'll get my book. The home is somewhere over in Lakeview."

Bree: "Lakeview? Oh, you gave me the impression that she was back east."

Orson: "Well, that's because, frankly, I wanted to avoid this conversation."

Bree: "But if she's only thirty minutes away, why haven't you been visiting her?"

Orson: "Okay, the truth is, it breaks my heart to see her now. I want to remember her as she was."

Bree: "But, Orson..."

Orson: "Bree, I refuse to sit in a room that smells of disinfectant and lime Jell-O, making small talk with a woman who doesn't remember me. Now let it go, damn it. But by all means, do send a card. The elves will tickle her."

Outside Susan's House - Nighttime

Ian and Susan drive up onto Susan's driveway.

Ian: "Well, shall we?"

Susan: "Wait. Julie's gonna know we came home early from the restaurant to check up on her. I don't want her to think I'm overprotective and clingy."

Ian: "The girl was held hostage. It's only natural you're gonna be a little bit clingy."

Susan: "Yeah, it's been a week. I'm getting on her nerves."

Ian: "How about this? We came home early because we hated the restaurant. The service was dreadful and the lobster was inedible."

Susan: "Okay. Wait, if we hated the restaurant, then why are we bringing home food?"

Ian: "Good point."

He takes the leftovers and starts to throw them into the trash. Susan stops him.

Susan: "Wait, wait, wait, wait! Are you kidding? That's lobster! Okay, I thought the restaurant was fantastic and you were the fussy snob who was impossible to please."

Ian: "Why do I have to be the fussy snob?"

Susan: "Because you're British."

Ian: "Fine. But I trust you'll make it up to me later by doing the things a gentleman expects when he's sprung for lobster."

Susan: "Ooh!"

They kiss, then walk into the house, turn on the lights, and discover Julie, blouse unbuttoned, lying on the couch with Austin, who doesn't have a shirt on.

Ian: "I'm not getting any tonight, am I?"

Julie: "You're supposed to be having dinner!"

Ian: "It's my fault. I found the restaurant to be absolutely..."

Susan: "Oh, let it go. We came home because I was worried about you and with good reason. You, put on your shirt and get out."

Austin: "Well, I didn't bring a shirt. See, I was out running and..."

Susan: "Who cares? Go!"

He leaves.

Julie: "How could you treat him like that? If Austin hadn't been in that supermarket, I might not be here."

Susan: "Yes, and I am grateful, but I found a way to say thank you without taking my top off."

Julie: "A couple of buttons came undone. It's not like my boobs were out."

Ian: "Okay, well, it's, uh, it's getting late and I really..."

Susan: "No, Ian, am I overreacting here?"

Ian: "Well, I can understand on the heels of a crisis, two people might bond and find themselves..."

He catches the look Susan throws at him.

Ian: "...you're a very naughty girl!"

Susan: "Julie, that boy drinks, he steals, and now I find him mauling you on my couch? That's it. I forbid you to see him."

Julie: "You can't do that. I choose who I date."

Susan: "Yeah? Well, I choose to ground you. Two weeks, baby."

Julie: "Fine, I'll just see him at school."

Susan: "Well, then you won't go to school. I'll home school you."

Julie: "Right, you're gonna teach me trig? You can't even balance your own checkbook."

Susan: "Yes, and you will be poorly educated, and you won't get into college, and you will work for minimum wage for the rest of your life, all because of that boy! I hope you're happy!"

Julie: "Mom, I like this guy, and I'm sorry if it makes you unhappy, but I'm going to keep seeing him."

She leaves.

Mike's House

Mike and Edie enter.

Edie: "Ta da! Doesn't the place look great? I came in and straightened up. I wanted everything to look nice for you. You okay?"

Mike: "Yeah. Yeah, it's just that, I'm home, but it doesn't really feel like home."

Edie: "It will. Give it time. The important thing is that you're back from the hospital and every day you're getting better. Hey, the worst is behind you."

She gives him a hug.

Police Station

Detective Ridley and a prosecutor walk down the hall.

Detective Ridley: "I need the Delfino search warrant."

Prosecutor: "We're not gonna get it without probable cause."

Detective Ridley: "The guy's phone number was written on a dead girl's hand."

Prosecutor: "The judge is gonna need more."

Detective Ridley: "I thought you might say that. Here's Monique Polier's lab work. The infrared spectroscopy matched paint fragments in the head wound to the proximo line of pipe wrenches. They're high-end, only used by professional plumbers. And guess what our boy Delfino does for a living?"

Prosecutor: "I'll see what I can do."

Agent's Office

Gabrielle walks into her agent's office. The agent, Marcella, is on the phone.

Marcella: "What do you mean you can't shoot her? Francesco, if you can airbrush her acne, you can airbrush the track marks. Now don't call me again unless she ODs."

She gets off the phone.

Marcella: "Gabrielle, ma petite fille! Oh, sit!"

Gabrielle: "You look amazing, younger than ever!"

Marcella: "It's my new dermal filler. It's banned here, so my assistant smuggles it in from Brazil. Isn't it fun? I have my own drug mule."

Gabrielle: "That's great! Well, I have some fun news of my own. I'm ready to model again."

Marcella: "Really? Oh. The last time we spoke, you couldn't wait to quit. You were giving it all up for love. What happened to Prince Charming?"

Gabrielle: "Divorce."

Marcella: "Oh, single again? Isn't that ironic, since I'm the one you called, oh, how did you put it? A 'career-obsessed lesbo who would die alone and be eaten by her cats.'"

Gabrielle: "Did I say that?"

Marcella: "Water under the bridge. I thought it was funny. It's even funnier now."

Gabrielle: "Look, Marcella, I'm back. And we made such a great team before, and I think we can be again."

Marcella: "I don't know, darling. Things are different now. You're not gonna be able to jump right back in where you left off."

Gabrielle: "Well, I just wanna work."

Marcella: "Boy, I'm still not sure. You know what might help? If you groveled."

Gabrielle: "Are you serious? Well, I can't tell because your face doesn't move anymore."

Marcella: "No, I'm joking! Welcome back, darling!"

They hug.

Lakeview Nursing Home

A nurse leads Bree through a sitting room. The nurse waves to one of the occupants, then gestures Bree to a woman sitting at a table.

Nurse: "Hi."

Bree stands in front of the woman.

Bree: "Thank you. Well, hello there! How pretty you look today! It's wonderful that you're up and about! You must be enjoying these colorful balloons!"

Gloria: "Why are you talking to me like I'm a moron?"

Bree: "Oh, oh, I'm, I'm so sorry. The nurse pointed me over here. I'm looking for Gloria Hodge."

Gloria: "I'm Gloria Hodge. Who might you be?"

Later, Bree and Gloria sit together in a quieter part of the room.

Bree: "Well, I must say, I'm surprised at how lucid you are. Orson led me to believe..."

Gloria: "That I was in the final stages of dementia? No, I'm afraid that's just wishful thinking on his part."

Bree: "Well, how can he feel that way? You're his mother."

Gloria: "I wouldn't judge him too harshly. Ours is a complicated relationship. There is love, to be sure, but we have a way of disappointing each other."

Bree: "Well, how does he disappoint you?"

Gloria: "He's cold, rigid and, and utterly incapable of letting go of the past."

Bree: "And how do you disappoint him?"

Gloria: "I refuse to die."

Bree: "Yes, I see. Well, surely this rift isn't irreparable."

Gloria: "Do you know how people in nursing homes spend their days, Bree? They think about the past, and all the things they'd do differently if they had the chance. Please tell Orson that I'm sorry and in spite of everything, I still love him."

Bree: "Well, I have a better idea. Why don't you tell him yourself?"

Wisteria Lane

Lynette and Tom are waiting for the school bus to drop off their kids. Lynette is on the cell phone.

Lynette: "That would be great. I really appreciate it. Okay. Thank you."

She hangs up the phone.

Tom: "So what did Ed say? When do you have to go back to work?"

Lynette: "He said take as much time as I want with pay."

Tom: "You should get gunned down more often."

The boys get off the bus.

Lynette: "Hey, there they are!"

Tom: "Hey, guys!

Lynette: "Hello!"

Tom: "How was school?"

Twin: "Mommy, were you shot?"

Lynette: "Shot? Where did you hear that?"

Twin: "Jordan Blackwelder."

Tom: "That's the same little creep who tried to ruin Santa Claus!"

Parker: "And he said that the same crazy lady that shot you killed auntie Nora dead. It was on the news and everything."

Lynette: "Okay, listen, kids. I am sorry. We shouldn't have lied, but sometimes parents wanna protect the kids from scary things."

Tom: "And look, the good news is, mommy's fine now. And we'll all see auntie Nora again in heaven."

Lynette: "Or wherever."

Twin: "Did they let you keep the bullet?"

Lynette: "No, no, afraid not."

Twin: "That blows. We wanted to bring it for show-and-tell."

The twins run off, but Parker stays behind.

Lynette: "Hey, sweetheart, you okay?"

Parker: "What if the crazy lady comes back?"

Tom: "She won't."

Parker: "How do you know?"

Tom: "Well, because she's...up in heaven with auntie Nora."

Lynette: "Or wherever."

Outside Susan's House

Austin is revving the engine of his motorcycle as Julie climbs on the back of it. They zoom off, leaving Susan to run out of the house, shouting after her.

Susan: "Julie Mayer, you get back here! You're grounded, remember?!"

Susan goes over to Mike's house, where Edie is putting out the garbage.

Susan: "Edie Britt, I wanna talk to you."

Edie: "I just survived a hostage situation. Haven't I suffered enough for one week?"

Susan: "You keep your nephew away from my daughter or else."

Edie: "Look, I don't like it either, but the harder we try to keep them apart, the more they're gonna fight to be together. Just let it run its course."

Susan: "Are you crazy? If we don't do something, those two could end up having sex!"

Edie: "Could?"

Susan: "Oh, my God. You don't..."

Edie: "Let me put it this way. I got a box of condoms in my dresser. Eleven are gone. I can only account for eight of 'em."

Susan: "How can you be so calm about this?"

Mike comes out of his house.

Mike: "Edie?"

Edie: "Yeah?"

Mike: "Can you help me with this tie?"

He sees Susan.

Mike: "Oh. Hey."

Susan: "Mike. You're out of the hospital."

Edie: "Yeah. He's home. In fact, we're gonna go out and celebrate tonight. I'll be with you in one sec, okay, babe?"

Mike: "Yeah."

He goes back inside.

Edie: "Since you asked, I'm calm because I know if two people are meant to be together, there's nothing anyone can do about it."

Lynette's House

Lynette is giving instructions to Mrs. McCluskey.

Lynette: "Okay, I should be back at around six. They can have one snack. Try and push apples, but if they threaten violence, I have an emergency candy bar under the sink."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Not anymore you don't."

Karen bites into the candy bar she has.

Lynette: "Oh, jeez."

Parker comes into the room.

Parker: "Mommy? Where are you going?"

Lynette: "To the market."

Parker: "No!"

He grabs a hold of Lynette's leg and won't let go.

Lynette: "Hey, sweetie, it's a different market."

Parker: "You're gonna get shot again."

Lynette: "No, I won't. Lots of mommies go to the store every day, and they're fine. It's really not a scary place."

Parker: "You went to the store, and you got shot, and auntie Nora died."

Lynette: "I'm only gonna be in there ten minutes, I promise."

Parker: "Can't she go?"