DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - 03.17 - DRESS BIG

(formatted by Amanda)

OUTSIDE SUSAN'S HOUSE

Susan and Ian are standing outside Susan's house. Susan is holding a single red rose.

Susan: "God, I'm so nervous."

Ian: "Don't be. They're going to adore you as much as I do."

Susan: "Oh, thanks. I needed to hear to that."

She throws her arms around him to hug him. The rose stem brushes against Ian's neck.

Ian: "Darling... thorns."

Susan: "I'm so sorry."

Mary Alice: "If there was one thing Ian Hainsworth was sure of, it was that his love for Susan Mayer was indestructible. He knew this because it had been tested again...and again...and again. Still, Ian had found a way to forgive Susan her...occasional lack of grace."

A black car drives down the street.

Susan: "Here they come."

Mary Alice: "The question now on his mind was, would his parents be able to do the same?"

Ian's parents get out of the car. Ian hugs them.

Ian: "Father."

Graham: "My dear boy."

Ian: "This is my fiancée Susan. These are my parents, Graham and Dahlia."

Dahlia: "Delighted."

Graham: "You weren't exaggerating. She's a vision, Ian."

Susan: "It's so great to finally meet both of you. Oh, this is for you."

Ian: "Be careful, mother! Thorns."

Dahlia: "Ian, I know how to hold a rose."

Ian: "Yes, of course. I just didn't want Susan to...you're right. Sorry."

Susan: "Anyone hungry?"

Ian: "Yes."

Later, the four of them are in Susan's back yard, where she's pouring charcoal into a barbeque.

Graham: "So, one puts the meat atop the burning coals. How wonderfully primal."

Dahlia: "Yes, I'll feel like some gloriously rough-hewn cowgirl enjoying her...uh, what's the word?"

Graham: "Vittles?"

Dahlia: "No, that can't be right."

Susan: "No, it is. It's vittles. So, can I get you something to drink?"

Dahlia: "I'd adore just a thimble of gin."

Susan starts to put down the charcoal.

Ian: "Oh, no, you stay, darling. I can manage."

Ian and Graham go inside the house.

Ian: "Well, it seems to be going rather well...touch wood."

Graham: "Were you worried?"

Ian: "Oh, you know, introducing one's fiancée to one's parents is always a bit fraught."

Graham: "Oh, well, you don't have to tell me. The first time I met Dahlia's parents was a complete disaster."

Behind the men, in the backyard, Susan lights the barbeque on fire and Dahlia, who was standing too close, suddenly gets her arm set on fire. Susan tosses some water on her, then, when that doesn't put out the flames, grabs a tablecloth and wraps it around Dahlia.

Graham: "We were at tea, and there was this plate of small cakes. And as I offered one to her mother, I tipped the plate, and plop! A scone fell right into her ladyship's teacup. Earl grey everywhere! On the cloth, her mother's skirt..."

Ian: "You must have been mortified."

Graham: "I was. It was an absolute debacle."

Dahlia and Susan come inside. Dahlia's entire right side has soot on it and her sleeve has been burned away.

Susan: "Um, guys? Don't worry. She's all right."

Mary Alice: "Yes, Ian Hainsworth knew his love for Susan was indestructible. Unfortunately for his mother, chiffon was not."

OPENING CREDITS

Mary Alice: "In every housewife's closet, there's a treasured article of clothing that she refuses to part with. It might be an old cheerleader uniform that symbolizes her youth. Or the last bikini she wore before she had children. Or a pair of expensive pants she prays will come back in style. But for Gabrielle Solis, every piece of clothing was a treasure. Carefully selected, beautifully maintained, and utterly...irreplaceable."

In Gabrielle's closet, a small water leak drips onto some of the clothes. Suddenly, the entire ceiling above the closet caves in, drenching everything in water.

OUTSIDE GABRIELLE'S HOUSE

Gabrielle and Edie remove shopping bags from Gabrielle's trunk.

Gabrielle: "I can't believe you bought another bustier."

Edie: "I know. I should never shop for lingerie when I'm horny. It's like buying groceries when you're hungry."

Gabrielle: "In a slump, huh? How long's it been?"

Edie: "About three weeks, and I am dying. You know, I'm this close to seducing my gardener."

Gabrielle: "Been there, done that."

Edie: "Mmm, that scrumptious teenager of yours. Hey, do you think..."

Gabrielle: "He's married."

Edie: "Damn. How about that Victor Lang? Have you two..."

Gabrielle: "No. God, no. As a matter of fact, I think I'm dumping him after dinner tonight."

Edie: "Why? He's rich. He's gorgeous. He's probably gonna be mayor. I mean, what more do you want?"

Gabrielle: "I don't know. He's just too arrogant. He acts like I'm some trophy he's already won. It's infuriating."

Edie: "Yeah, that's awful. Can I do him?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, stop it. You cannot be that hard up."

Edie: "Did I mention my gardener's sixty-two?"

They enter Gabrielle's house. A small water leak is dripping from the ceiling onto the carpet in the front of the house.

Gabrielle: "What the hell is this?"

Gabrielle runs upstairs and sees the mess that used to be her closet.

Gabrielle: "Oh, my God!"

Downstairs, Edie reapplies her lipstick.

Gabrielle: "No!"

SCAVO RESTAURANT

Lynette enters the restaurant and says hi to the employees she passes by. She's the only employee not wearing an orange work t-shirt.

Tom: "Honey? Where's your uniform?"

Lynette: "Oh, crap. I left it at home again."

Tom: "Yeah, um, I figured you would...again. That's why... I pulled an extra one from the back."

Lynette: "Thanks. Are you sure it's the right..."

Tom: "Yep, your size."

Lynette: "Listen...I was thinking, wouldn't it be better if the staff wore a uniform, and you and I wore regular clothes? That way it's like, "Hi. Welcome to Scavo's. We're the Scavos.""

Tom: "Yeah, but I like wearing the uniform, and when you don't, it looks like we all work for you."

Lynette: "Oh, good point. Okay, here's another good point: I hate orange."

Tom: "Since when?"

Lynette: "Since always. You know my closet. Surely you've noticed I don't own anything orange."

Tom: "No, I hadn't really..."

Lynette: "Orange says, "Beware. Something bad's gonna happen." That's why they use it for life vests and traffic cones and convicts. Also, it washes me out completely."

Tom: "You're wearing the uniform."

Lynette: "Are you speaking as my husband or as my boss?"

Tom: "Definitely your boss. Your husband...too damn scared of you."

He walks away.

Lynette: "As well he should be."

WISTERIA LANE

Edie walks slowly down the block to her house.

Mary Alice: "As Edie walked home, all she could think of was her nonexistent love life..."

As she approaches her house, she sees her son and Carlos playing basketball.

Travers: "Pass it to me, Carlos!"

Mary Alice: "And how much she wanted back in the game."

Carlos removes his shirt to wipe the sweat from his body.

Mary Alice: "It was just then she saw someone she might like to play with."

Edie: "Hi!"

Carlos: "Hey. Did you see that, Edie? Kid's looking good, huh?"

Edie: "Looking real good."

Travers: "Can we play another game?"

Edie: "No, it's lunchtime. You go wash up."

Travers: "Bye, Carlos."

Carlos: "Bye."

Edie: "Oh, you have been so great with Travers. Let me take you out for steak tonight."

Carlos: "You don't have to pay me back. I'm having more fun than he is."

Edie: "Well, then...we'll just have to arrange for another play date."

Carlos: "Anytime."

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Dahlia comes to the table where Graham, Ian, and Susan are getting ready to eat Chinese take-out.

Graham: "Look who's back."

Dahlia: "Yes. Let's try this again, shall we?"

Susan: "Dahlia, I am so sorry about the..."

Dahlia: "Please, not another word. Chiffon at a barbecue? I was asking to be immolated."

Ian: "A drink with dinner, mother?"

Dahlia: "Oh, God, yes."

She starts to sit down.

Susan: "Oh, not that chair. That's the wobbler. I'm saving up for a new set. Here, sit here."

Dahlia: "Ian tells us you have a young daughter. Won't she be joining us?"

Susan: "Julie? No, she's at her father's this weekend. Is something wrong?"

Dahlia: "It's just that Ian told us that your husband had been gone for years. We assumed you were a widow."

Susan: "No, Karl's alive and kicking, sadly."

Dahlia: "So you're a... divorcée? What happened? Did he beat you?"

Susan: "No. Of course not."

Ian: "She had ample grounds, mother. Karl was a shameless womanizer."

Dahlia: "So it was just adultery."

Susan: "Just adultery?"

Dahlia: "To my way of thinking, men are, by nature, weak. I think Graham will back me up on that."

Graham: "Really, Dahlia."

Dahlia: "If you want your marriage to last...when your husband strays, you extract some suitable penance... and get on with it. Punish the sin, but love the sinner."

Susan: "Yeah, well, with Karl, I was more, "Divorce the ass and seize the assets." So you better watch out. Betrayal makes me vengeful."

Ian: "Well, that's good to know."

Dahlia: "Yes, it certainly is."

VICTOR'S HOUSE

Victor and Gabrielle are seated outside his house, eating dinner by candlelight.

Gabrielle: "Apparently, the water heater in the attic had burst. Everything is ruined. My clothes, my shoes, dresses. Why are you smiling?"

Victor: "Well, we have different perspectives. You see ruined clothes, and I see a woman who could suddenly use a rich boyfriend."

Gabrielle: "You will never be my boyfriend."

Victor: "Gaby, how much longer are you gonna pretend you're not crazy about me?"

Gabrielle: "Not much longer. This is our last date."

Victor: "Didn't you say it was our last date on our last date?"

Gabrielle: "I mean it this time."

Victor: "Yeah? Well, do me a favor, mean it next time. I'm getting an award tomorrow at the rotary club."

Gabrielle: "Boring."

Victor: "Come on, I want my date to be the most beautiful woman in the room."

Gabrielle: "Is that supposed to flatter me?"

Victor: "Only if you've never seen the women of the rotary club."

Gabrielle: "Oh, shut up and get me a sweater. Have you even noticed how cold I am?"

Victor: "Noticed? It's made my whole evening."

Gabrielle grabs a napkin and covers her chest with it.

Gabrielle: "Sweater, now."

Later, Gabrielle and Victor are inside his house. Victor goes to his walk-in closet while Gabrielle wanders over to the other walk-in closet, which is filled with beautiful women's clothing.

Victor: "How about a nice cashmere cardigan?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, my God!"

Victor: "What?"

Gabrielle: "Look at this! There's Lacroix and Ungaro and Vintage Gaultier."

Victor: "Yeah, I don't really know much about fashion."

Gabrielle: "Shh! They can hear you. Oh, my God! There's another rack back here! This all your ex-wife's stuff?"

Victor: "Yeah. She's storing it here until her new house is ready."

Gabrielle: "Oh, my God! She wears my size! It's amazing. Nobody wears my size."

Victor: "Well, I guess I have a type."

Gabrielle: "And normally that would creep me out, except it means that I can borrow this one-of-a-kind Undari for our date!"

Victor: "Heel, girl. This belongs to my ex."

Gabrielle: "So?"

Victor: "I don't think she'd appreciate me loaning her clothes to my girlfriend."

Gabrielle: "Okay, "a," I'm not your girlfriend, and "b," she's not gonna find out unless you tell her. Come on! A dress this gorgeous is meant to be seen. Every day it hangs in the closet, an angel loses its wings."

Victor: "That's very cute, but the answer's still no. Come on. Let's go. Gaby."

Gabrielle: "I just wanted a moment to say good-bye."

THERAPIST'S OFFICE

Mike is lying on the couch talking to his therapist.

Mike: "So in the next scene, the guy wakes up, and the girl, Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, one of those, is standing there holding a tray of pancakes."

Therapist: "What happens then?"

Mike: "I keep telling you, I don't remember. What's the difference? It's just some stupid movie I saw."

Therapist: "Yet every time you remember it, you feel sad or upset. I think something happened at that movie or just afterwards. Who did you see it with?"

Mike: "Well, it's obviously some chick flick...so probably Susan."

Therapist: "Well, why not ask her about it? Maybe she can tell you what happened."

Mike: "No. No, I don't want to bother her. She just got engaged."

Therapist: "Mike, this therapy isn't just about recovering your memories. It's about you getting closure. Now the emotions you're feeling won't be resolved until you know what they're about."

Mike: "I don't know."

Therapist: "Come on. Talk to Susan. What could it hurt?"

MIKE'S HOUSE

Carlos is on the phone with Travers.

Carlos: "That's awesome. I love model airplanes."

Travers: "So you'll help me put it together?"

Carlos: "Sure. I'll see you tomorrow after school. "

Travers: "Can you come at seven instead? "

Carlos: "Why so late? "

Travers: "Mom says I can't play till I finish my homework. Bye."

EDIE'S HOUSE

Edie places a model airplane kit in front of Travers as he hangs up the phone.

Travers: "He's coming. So can I stay up and watch my show now?"

Edie: "You can stay up as late as you want, champ. Tomorrow, you are going to have an early night."

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Susan and Ian are preparing coffee and dessert in the kitchen.

Susan: "Your father's been up there for twenty minutes. Are you sure he's okay?"

Ian: "He's fine. He always lies down after dinner. He says it helps his digestion. Relax. It's going very well."

Susan: "I set your mother on fire."

Ian: "And you've been relentlessly charming ever since. Trust me, when she looks back at tonight, she won't even remember the fire."

They walk through the double doors into the dining room. The door that Susan opened hits Dahlia and she falls onto her back, spilling her wine all over herself.

Ian: "But she may remember this."

Susan: "Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! Are you all right?"

Dahlia: "Yes, I'm perfectly fine. At least this blouse made it through dinner."

Susan: "Let me get you a towel."

Susan walks into her bathroom to find Graham standing in front of her mirror, wearing Susan's robe.

Susan: "Hello!"

Graham: "I hope you don't mind. Dahlia has a birthday coming up, and I saw this hanging there, and I thought, "a robe! Well, there's a notion." So I just tried it on... To get a sense of the drape."

The robe opens slightly and Susan can see that he's wearing her bra as well.

Susan: "Were you also thinking of getting her a lace bra?"

Graham: "Oh, dear God! Please don't mention this to any of my family."

Susan: "Just take the robe off. And whatever you have on underneath...consider that yours."

Downstairs, Ian and Dahlia are talking in the living room.

Dahlia: "Be reasonable, dear. I'm only trying to protect you."

Ian: "From Susan? Well, she doesn't care about my money. She's never asked me for a cent."

Dahlia: "Your logic is as wobbly as the dining room chairs she can't afford to replace."

Ian: "I love Susan, and I won't ask her to do this."

Susan walks in with some towels.

Ian: "Oh, hello. Mother's fine. I found her a sweater."

Susan: "So, uh, what won't you ask me?"

Ian: "Nothing."

Dahlia: "I was wondering if you'd object to signing a document that says should you and Ian part ways, you'll accept a cash settlement and not go after the money he inherits from us."

Susan: "You mean a prenup?"

Dahlia: "Please try to understand. Our country estate has been in our family for generations. We want it preserved for the children we hope Ian will have, not lost in some pricey divorce."

Susan: "Well, who's getting divorced? I'm in this for keeps."

Dahlia: "I'm sure you said the same to your first husband before you bolted with all you could carry."

Ian: "Mother, Susan is not signing anything."

Dahlia: "Fine. Then we'll leave it all to your brother."

Ian: "Oh, do you think Nigel's going to give you a grandson? He's an alcoholic homosexual."

Dahlia: "With a castle at stake, he can learn a new skill."

Susan: "Okay, stop this. We invited you here to celebrate our engagement. Now I'm divorced, and Ian's disinherited?"

Graham walks in.

Graham: "Hello. Have I missed anything?"

Dahlia: "We'll be going soon. Please, don't be offended. All of us go into marriage convinced that everything will be perfect. God knows I did. And then one day, I found a bill for some expensive lingerie. Bustiers, peignoirs. None of it in my size. Certainly opened my eyes."

Ian: "But I'm not like my father."

Susan: "Trust him, he's not."

Dahlia: "I'm sorry, Ian."

Graham and Dahlia leave.

SCAVO RESTUARANT

The employees are sitting around a table when Lynette walks in.

Lynette: "Hey, guys."

Andrew: "Hey, Mrs. Scavo. I'm sorry. We were just taking a quick break. We'll get back to work."

Lynette: "No. No, don't be silly. Who am I, Tom? I'm one of you guys. Sit down. Hey...you know what we could use? A good old-fashioned bitch session, get some stuff off our chests. So what's bugging you guys? Okay, I'll go first. How do we feel about these uniforms? A little...eh?"

Andrew: "They're okay. But, hey, why do we have to pool our tips? Why can't we just keep what we earn?"

Lynette: "Good point, good point. But right now we're talking about these ugly-ass uniforms."

Guy Employee: "You know what bugs me? No health benefits. I'm kind of worried about this mole that I found..."

Lynette: "Focus, people! The subject is shirts. It's killing morale."

Kim: "I kinda like 'em."

Lynette: "Really, Kim? 'Cause...I heard one of your customers say that when Halloween comes around, we should stick a candle in your mouth. See? Morale. You guys need to stand up for yourselves. It's your right-No, it's your obligation to go to management and demand new shirts. And if management doesn't like it, you tell him he can go screw-!"

Tom, who had walked in during her speech, closes the door and walks past the group.

Lynette: "Okay, okay. Break's over, people. I'm gonna go find Tom and talk. Oh! Good."

Tom: "I can't believe you tried to undermine me like this."

Lynette: "Well, you gave me no choice."

Tom: "It's just a uniform. Why can't you wear it?"

Lynette: "Because I need to win one, Tom."

Tom: "What?"

Lynette: "You keep ordering me around and disagreeing with me and over ruling me, and I'm sick of it. We have to do things my way at least every once in a while.

Tom: This was the deal, Lynette. You agreed. I'm in charge here. You're in charge at home."

Lynette: "Except we're never home. We live here. Our marriage happens here."

Tom: "Okay, you know what? We can't talk about this now. We open in ten minutes. Maybe later we can..."

Lynette: "Later I'll be asleep, and then I will be back here before you wake up. We gotta deal with this now."

Tom: "Okay, all right...we're gonna deal with this now. I'm gonna get ready for the dinner rush, And you're gonna wear the damn uniform."

Lynette: "No."

Tom: "What?"

Lynette: "I'm going home."

Tom: "You're walking out on me?"

Lynette: "I told you orange meant something bad was gonna happen."