Desperate Housewives - Episode 03.06 - Sweetheart I Have To Confess

Church

"It is often said that confession is good for the soul. No one knew this better than a certain blonde who had been confessing her sins to Father O'Malley once a week since she was a child. As the years had passed, much to Father O'Malley's dismay, a theme began to emerge..."

Flashback. Edie is in the confessional.

Edie: "I seduced the cable guy again."

Flashback. Edie is in the confessional.

Edie: "I'm having an affair with a folk singing duo."

Flashback. Edie is in the confessional.

Edie: "Last week, I let Rabbi Lipman get to third base."

"And once she had been forgiven, Father O'Malley would tell Edie Britt to go out into the world and sin no more. Unfortunately for Edie, temptation seemed to be..."

Present: Edie walks into Mike's hospital room.

Edie: "Hello, there."

"...everywhere."

Hospital - Mike's Room

Mike: "Edie, what were we like together, before the accident?"

Edie: "What do you mean?"

Mike: "You know, were we close?"

Edie: "Honestly? We lived about fifty feet from each other, and you barely knew that I existed."

Mike: "Seriously?"

Edie: "Mm-hmm. It's true. I mean, you weren't rude or anything. We'd wave or exchange hellos as we went to get our mail, but you never really looked at me. Not really. I, I was just another neighbor to you."

Mike: "But if we weren't friends, why are you here every day helping me?"

Edie: "Because from the first moment I laid eyes on you, I sort of fell in love with you."

Mike: "Oh."

Edie: "Yeah. And I'm not telling you this because I expect anything, so you can just relax, okay?"

Mike: "Okay."

Edie: "But when you do come back home, and we do run into each other when we're getting our mail, I'd really appreciate it if you'd just look at me. That's all."

Mike: "I'm looking at you now."

He pulls her toward him and they begin to kiss.

"Yes, it is often said confession is good for the soul."

Church

Edie: "Mike Delfino and I made out today and it was great!"

Edie leaves the church, smiling.

"But some confessions are just bragging in disguise."

Opening Credits

Bree's House

"There was nothing Bree Hodge hated more than an unexpected knock at the door. She was always certain it would lead to a disagreeable surprise, whether it be in the form of a cosmetics saleswoman, religious zealots, or extended family. But on this day, the surprise awaiting Bree was far more disagreeable than she ever could have imagined."

There's a knock on the door and Bree answers it to reveal Carolyn Bigsby standing there.

Carolyn: "Hello, Bree."

Bree: "Carolyn. This isn't a very good time. I'm baking."

She starts to close the door and a man comes out from behind Carolyn, stepping into view.

Harvey: "Bree? Uh, hi. We haven't met. I'm Harvey Bigsby, and I brought my wife here to apologize."

Bree: "It's a soufflé. And timing is everything."

Harvey: "Oh, please, please, um, she's been under a great deal of stress since Alma's disappearance, and, and she really hasn't been herself. Much of that was due to the Mexican painkillers that she was purchasing online, but I put a stop to that."

Orson comes up next to Bree and puts his arm around her.

Bree: "Well, Orson tells me that the two of you were very close and out of respect for that friendship, I'm all ears."

Carolyn: "After thinking it over, I realized that maybe I was out of line..."

Harvey coughs.

Carolyn: "I was definitely out of line with the terrible accusations that I made. I'm deeply sorry for the pain that I caused. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

Bree: "Well, I can appreciate how difficult that must have been for you. Apology accepted."

Harvey: "I'm so relieved."

Orson: "As am I. Well, you don't know how rusty my golf game's gotten without this one keeping me on my toes."

Harvey: "Well, perhaps we can all get together for dinner at the club sometime."

Bree: "That sounds lovely."

Harvey: "Great."

They close the door.

Orson: "Darling, you are amazing, you know that? To rise above all that unpleasantness with such dignity."

Bree: "Well, thank you, darling. But if you think for one second that I'm gonna break bread with that malicious, pill-popping shrew, you're out of your mind."

Susan's House

Ian knocks on Susan's door. Susan comes around the front of her house and sees Ian. She drops behind her car to hide and Mrs. McCluskey, who's walking by, stops to look at Susan. Susan puts her finger to her mouth to request silence.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Hey, Susan! Whatcha doing?"

Susan: "I just dropped my trowel. Thanks."

Mrs. McCluskey: "All righty then, you have a nice day. Bye-bye."

Mrs. McCluskey laughs and walks away. Ian comes towards Susan.

Ian: "Susan?"

Susan: "Ian! What a surprise."

Ian: "Were you, um, were you hiding from me?"

Susan: "Uh, a little. I, just the last time we saw each other, it was so awkward and complicated."

Ian: "Water under the bridge. And besides, this is strictly business. I'm throwing a party for an editor friend in from London and I thought you two should meet. You could bring a date if you want. Speaking of which, uh, how are things with Mike?"

Susan: "Oh, uh, they're moving along. It's a process."

Ian: "And the, uh, blonde woman who's been visiting him every day, is she part of the process?"

Susan: "Uh, Edie? Oh, she's just a neighbor. She visits Mike after her Hepatitis C treatments."

Ian: "Oh. Well, I, I do hope you can come to the party so you can meet my editor friend."

Susan: "I just, I just don't think that's a good idea."

Ian: "Right. Well, at least I, uh, I got to see you. You have..."

He motions to his own nose, indicating that she has something on her own nose. She wipes her nose and he leaves.

Conference Room

Gabrielle and Carlos sit with their lawyers (Myron and Kenny, respectively) around a conference room.

Myron: "This is ludicrous. The Biedermeier armoire."

Kenny: "It's my understanding that your client doesn't even like antiques."

Myron: "Totally immaterial. It's a valuable asset."

Kenny: "Fine. Let's discuss the Kosta Boda vase."

Myron: "Nope, it's a premarital acquisition. We can verify that with receipts."

Kenny: "It was a gift to Mr. Solis. Maybe you were sick that day at law school, Myron, but it's called community property."

Myron: "Don't patronize me, Kenny. We're prepared to go to the mat on this one."

Carlos: "Oh, enough. Just give her what she wants. Look, I'm sick of fighting. It's just stuff."

Kenny: "Uh, I'd like a moment alone with my client."

Carlos: "This has been going on for months. I'm done. Draw up the papers. I'll sign whatever."

Gabrielle: "You're giving me everything I want? Just like that?"

Carlos: "Just like that."

Myron: "We expect to see the paperwork by the end of business."

Kenny and Carlos leave.

Myron: "How sweet is that? We nailed their asses. Mrs. Solis, they completely folded."

Gabrielle: "That's the thing. Carlos doesn't fold. The son of a bitch is up to something."

Abandoned Building

Lynette knocks on the door. Tom opens it just enough to peek through.

Tom: "Before you come in, cover your eyes."

Lynette: "Tom..."

Tom: "Do it! Okay, now when I say open, don't look with your eyes. Look with your imagination."

Lynette: "Okay."

Tom: "Okay. Open."

Lynette: "Oh, dear god."

Tom: "Damn it, you looked with your eyes!"

Lynette: "It's a dump! What are you thinking?"

Tom: "Oh, I'll grant you it's a fixer-upper."

Lynette: "It's a burner-downer."

Tom: "Come on, honey, go with me. We can put in booths with checkered tablecloths, a jukebox, a big-screen to watch sports on. How can you not see the potential in this place?"

Lynette: "Well, I just don't. Tom, you know how I feel about this pizza thing."

Tom: "Well, hopefully, it'll grow on you."

Lynette: "Don't tell me you didn't sign a lease."

Tom: "There's gonna be a dartboard!"

Lynette: "Tom! No."

Tom: "There were multiple offers. I had to move fast."

Lynette: "You leased a building without telling me?"

Tom: "Well, maybe I didn't tell you because I knew you'd try and talk me out of the best opportunity in my life."

The two of them watch as a rat runs across the floor.

Lynette: "Okay. Okay, here's what we're going to do. You said there were multiple offers, so we can sublease. Now let's get the hell out of here."

Tom: "You said you'd support my dream."

Lynette: "My mistake. I assumed you'd have a dream worth supporting."

Tom: "I'm gonna stay here tonight."

Lynette: "Fine."

Lynette grabs the door handle, which falls off in her hand. She turns to Tom, holds up the door handle, drops it, then leaves.

Country Club

Bree and Rebecca sit down at a table having lunch.

Bree: "Two lemonades for the victors."

Rebecca: "You keep playing like this, Bree, and we are a cinch for the finals."

Tish walks by.

Bree: "Hello, Tish."

Tish: "Hello, Rebecca."

Bree: "Did you see that? She just deliberately snubbed me."

Rebecca: "Maybe she didn't notice you."

Bree: "Rebecca, I just spoke to her. And call me paranoid, but Amy Griswold did the same thing to me on the golf course last week. What is going on?"

Rebecca: "You really don't know?"

Bree: "No! I have no idea. What?"

Rebecca: "Tish is very good friends with Carolyn Bigsby."

Bree: "Carolyn knows Tish?"

Rebecca: "She knows everyone. Anyway, Tish won't talk to you because you married Orson, even after Carolyn told you that he killed his wife."

Bree: "That is ridiculous. Orson did not kill Alma. And besides, Carolyn just apologized to me for that yesterday."

Rebecca: "Well, maybe that hasn't gotten back to Tish."

Bree: "Oh, you don't believe any of that nonsense, do you? Do you?"

Rebecca: "Bree, you're the best doubles partner I've ever had. Can we talk about this after the tournament?"

Bree gets up and walks up to the Maitre.

Bree: "Hello. I'd like to make a reservation for this evening under the names Hodge and Bigsby, and, um, we'll be needing a table in the center of the room."

Lynette's House

Lynette and her kids sit at the kitchen table, eating a dinner of take-out pizza.

Twin: "How long will daddy be gone?"

Lynette: "Well, that sort of depends on daddy."

Twin: "Are you two mad at each other?"

Lynette: "Yeah. A little. But that's okay. That's okay. We still love each other very much. But just like kids, sometimes grown-ups throw tantrums and need a time-out."

Twin: "Why can't he take a time-out in his room?"

Lynette: "'Cause he decided to take it in his pizza place."

Parker: "No fair. That sounds fun."

Lynette: "Not this pizza place. It's a rat hole. But once your dad comes to his senses and stops being petulant, he'll come home."

Twin: "What's petulant?"

Lynette: "It means childish, stubborn, careless with my money and your futures."

Twin: "Huh?"

Lynette: "It's a grown-up word, and when daddy comes home, you'll learn a new one: grovel."

Kayla, who was upstairs, comes down the stairs and overhears the conversation. She goes into another room and calls her mother.

Kayla: "They got in a really big fight. Daddy's sleeping at the restaurant."

Nora: "No, no, it's good that you told me, sweet pea. You keep those little ears open, okay?"

Kayla: "Okay. Bye, mom."

Nora: "Bye."

Gabrielle's House

Carlos is in the kitchen when Gabrielle comes in, sorting through the mail. There's a manila envelope addressed to Carlos.

Carlos: "Oh, hey, that's for me. I'll take that."

Gabrielle: "Okay."

Carlos takes the envelope and places it in a drawer, making sure to lock the drawer and place the key in his pocket.

Carlos: "Well, I'm beat. I'm gonna take a nap."

Gabrielle: "Uh, hold it. You're a sweaty mess."

Carlos: "So? I was working out."

Gabrielle: "So you're not laying on anything in this house until you take a shower."

Carlos: "Fair enough. It's all yours now, right?"

Carlos goes upstairs. A few minutes later, while he's in the shower, Gabrielle sneaks into the bedroom to remove the key from his shorts. She goes downstairs and takes the contents from the manila envelope and faxes them to her lawyer.

Gabrielle: "I don't know, Myron. It's a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo. Just read it and call me back."

The shower turns off upstairs.

Gabrielle: "Crap!"

She locks the drawer, then runs upstairs. The shorts are missing. She sees that Carlos is toweling his hair dry, but is already wearing the shorts. She stares at him.

Carlos: "What?"

Gabrielle: "Uh, why did you put those shorts back on?"

Carlos: "Why do you care?"

Gabrielle: "Uh, it's just that they're filthy and I was gonna wash 'em for you."

Carlos: "You wanna wash my shorts?"

Gabrielle: "I don't want to, but if you wear them one more time, they're gonna ask me themselves."

Carlos hands the shorts to Gabrielle. She turns away and slips the key back into the pocket.

Carlos: "Wait a minute. I forgot something in the pocket."

He takes out the key and hands the shorts back.

Carlos: "No bleach."

Gabrielle: "Got it."

Later, Gabrielle is on the phone with her lawyer.

Gabrielle: "So it's a job contract?"

Myron: "Welch and Simon are offering him two million over three years, plus stock options."

Gabrielle: "Well, that's fantastic! I get half, right?"

Myron: "Well, no. If you're legally divorced when he signs the contract, then you don't see a dime."

Gabrielle: "That conniving, underhanded snake! Thank god I broke into his desk."

Myron: "At least now we know why he was so quick to fold on your settlement."

Gabrielle: "Okay, well, let's just say something happened to postpone the divorce. I would still get my share of that two million, right?"

Myron: "Well, in theory, but, how would you manage that?"

Gabrielle: "I know how Carlos thinks. More importantly, what he thinks with."

Hospital

Susan walks past the nurses' station holding flowers.

Nurse #1: "Was that Susan Mayer?"

Nurse #2: "Yeah. Why?"

Nurse #1: "Mr. Delfino asked not to be disturbed."

Susan goes into Mike's room.

Susan: "Mike? It's me. Are you decent?"

She pulls back the curtain surrounding Mike's bed to find a barely-dressed Edie straddling Mike. Susan runs out of the room.

Lynette's Porch

Lynette is sitting on her porch, drinking, when Susan arrives home. She throws the flowers she had brought Mike into the trash can..

Lynette: "Hey, Susan."

Susan: "Hey, you. Whatcha doing?"

Lynette: "I suckered McCluskey into taking the kids for a while so I could kick back and catch up with my old friend margarita. You care to join us?"

Susan: "Believe me, I would love to, but, um, I gotta, I gotta get dinner started for Julie."

Lynette: "Okay."

Susan: "Oh, you know, what the hell? She's sixteen. If she hasn't figured out how to feed herself by now, I've failed."

Later, Susan and Lynette are both drunk.

Susan: "Ah. That's nice. So where were we?"

Lynette: "You were trying to figure out how to kill Edie without doing time."

Susan: "Oh, right. Oh, I wish Paul Young was still around. He'd know what to do."

Gabrielle jogs by.

Lynette: "Fine, Gaby! Don't say hi!"

Gabrielle: "Hey! Cocktails? Nobody called me?"

Susan: "It was spur-of-the-moment. We're numbing the pain of our miserable lives."

Gabrielle: "Oh. Well, I was trying to do that with exercise, but why risk the heart attack? Make mine a double!"

Hospital - Mike's Room

Detective Ridley and Detective Collins are visiting with Mike, showing him the picture of the dead woman found at the country club.

Mike: "I don't recognize her. Who is she?"

Detective Ridley: "That's what we're trying to figure out. Your phone number was written on her hand."

Mike: "I'm sorry. I can't help you."

Edie: "He's had a bit of memory loss."

Mike: "After two thousand four, things are fuzzy."

Detective Collins: "No memory, huh? That's convenient."

Detective Ridley: "Well thank you for your time, Mr. Delfino. You killed a cop once, didn't you?"

Mike: "That was self-defense."

Detective Ridley: "Hope it wasn't just beginner's luck."

Mike: "You wanna charge me with something, go ahead. Otherwise, get the hell out of my room."

Detective Ridley: "Were you always this angry, Mr. Delfino, or can't you remember?"

Tom's Pizza Place

Nora walks in with bags of food and wine bottles.

Nora: "So, do you sell by the slice, or do I gotta buy a whole pie?"

Tom: "What are you doing here?"

Nora: "I knew how hard you were working, so I figured I'd bring you a little something to eat...and drink."

Later, Tom and Nora have nearly finished the bottle of wine.

Tom: "You know, I can't pronounce this wine, which means it's either really expensive or I have had too much."

Nora: "I can't believe that Lynette doesn't just love this place. And if you ask me, she's just a negative Nellie."

Tom: "She's just being realistic. I mean, the restaurant business is brutal. It's..."

Nora: "Tom. Listen to me, okay, 'cause I'm a very intuitive person, and you have a real aura of success about you."

Tom: "Come on."

Nora: "I'm serious. I believe in you, Tom Scavo."

Tom: "Thank you."

Nora leans over and kisses Tom.

Tom: "Wait, wait, what, what, what just happened?"

Nora: "We kissed."

Tom: "No, you kissed me."

Nora: "No, no, no, you wanted me to."

Tom: "No, no, no, no, no, I didn't."

Nora: "Really? 'Cause this is you. 'My wife doesn't get me. Hey, let's have some more wine alone, in a deserted building.'"

Tom: "I was just looking to vent. I wasn't looking for anything more."

Nora: "Okay, but when opportunity knocks..."

Tom: "Nora, please! I love my wife!"

Nora: "Really. You mean, the one who thinks that you're a loser?"

Tom: "No, the one that loves me enough to keep me from screwing up and I think it's about time I got back home to her."

Nora: "You led me on. You shouldn't have done that."

She leaves. Tom wipes his mouth.

Lynette's Porch

Gabrielle, Lynette, and Susan are all drunk.

Gabrielle: "I'm just gonna say it. Tequila makes me happy."

An older couple walks by and stares at the three of them.

Gabrielle: "Yeah, we're drinking on the porch. You got a problem with that?"

Lynette: "I know them. They live on Cypress. They just celebrated their fifty-third wedding anniversary."

Susan: "Show-offs."

Gabrielle: "Don't worry. It won't last. You're just fooling yourselves!"

Lynette: "Hey, I know them!"

Susan: "Ah, fifty-three years. What do you think their secret is?"

Lynette: "I'll take a wild guess. The man never opened a pizza place."

Susan: "Oh, I just thought of something. I'm never gonna celebrate a fifty-third wedding anniversary. I'd have to live into my nineties. Oh, my god. I'm gonna die."

Lynette: "Bite on this."

She hands Susan a wedge of lime.

Gabrielle: "Can I tell you guys something? Something I can only tell you guys?"