Desperate Housewives - Episode 03.10 - The Miracle Song

Wisteria Lane - Block Party

Neighbors set up the block party.

"The annual block party was a winter tradition on Wisteria Lane. It was a way for the residents to spread holiday cheer. Everyone was invited, including Art Shepard, the newest resident of Wisteria Lane. But as the big night drew near, more than holiday cheer was being spread around."

Mrs. McCluskey comes up to Edie.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Hey, did you hear about the new guy that just moved in? Well, get a load of this."

Carlos and Mike, carrying folding chairs, walk together to the block party.

Carlos: "Apparently, the pervert's got all this weird stuff in his basement."

Austin and Julie, carrying food, walk together to the block party.

Austin: "No, seriously. It's like this big kiddies trap full of toys."

"By Sunday evening, most of the gossiping had subsided, and the neighborhood was once again consumed by the spirit of the season. Friends laughed over eggnog, lovers kissed under mistletoe, and the mood was jolly. That is, until a certain guest made his appearance."

At the block party, Art and Rebecca show up, dressed as Santa and an elf, respectively.

Art: "Ho ho ho! Look who's here! Merry Christmas, everybody!"

Ida Greenberg waves at him.

Ida: "Merry Christmas!"

Mrs. McCluskey: "Don't do that!"

Mrs. McCluskey grabs her arm and whispers to her.

Art: "Now, kids, who's been good this year?"

Everyone is silent. No one comes forward to take the presents Art has.

Art: "Oh, come on, everybody was naughty? What am I gonna do with this fire truck?"

A little boy rushes forward and his mother grabs him back.

Mother: "Joey, get back here."

Rebecca looks at Art.

Rebecca: "What's going on?"

Art: "I'm not sure."

A parent leads her kids away.

Parent: "Let's go, girls."

Rebecca looks up at Art.

Rebecca: "Art, maybe we should go."

"Yes, for the residents of Wisteria Lane, it was the most wonderful time of the year."

Art looks at Lynette, who stares back at him.

"But for Arthur Shepard and his sister, it had turned out to be a very silent night."

Opening Credits

"For the residents of Wisteria Lane, the holiday season could only begin once the decorations came out. For some, that meant pulling out the colored lights. For others, it meant locating that holiday wreath. And then there were those eager to display their nativity scene. But for a romantic few, it was all about the mistletoe."

Susan's House

Susan holds mistletoe over her and Ian's head.

Susan: "You have to kiss me. It's the law."

Ian: "While you're in a good mood, I thought I'd spring something on you. My parents are coming to town."

Susan: "Your parents? Really?"

Ian: "And I wondered if you might be free to join us for dinner Saturday."

Susan: "Absolutely. So, I assume this means they know about me?"

Ian: "But of course."

Susan: "And they know about me as in" (in a bad British accent) "Mum, Dad, bloody good news. I've got myself a smashing new girlfriend."

Ian: "That's adorable. Please don't do it in front of them."

Susan: "Right. So, um, do you want me to make reservations at that little French place?"

Ian: "We could do that, but it's a four-hour layover and they're going to be exhausted, and I thought we might have a more enjoyable time if they came here and you made dinner for them."

Susan: "Okay, I guess it's time we have the conversation. Ian, haven't you ever wondered why I've never cooked for you?"

Ian: "I just assumed that you were lazy."

Susan: "I wish. My cooking is not good."

Ian: "Well, my parents won't be expecting a gourmet meal."

Susan: "Will they be expecting stomach cramps, acid reflux, night sweats?"

Ian: "Come on, you can't be that bad."

Susan: "Is it really important that I make them a home-cooked meal?"

Ian: "Well, it's just that they're very old-fashioned hearth-and-home types, and they might wonder why you didn't make the effort. But it's okay. You'll win them over. Eventually."

Susan: "Okay, I'll give it a shot."

Ian: "Thank you. Now nothing elaborate. Just a simple roast and, uh, and something appropriate to go with it."

Susan: "Right...like an ambulance."

Vern's Beauty Pageant Workshop

Vern and Gabrielle watch as the girls practice walking down the runway.

Gabrielle: "Amy, small steps. Small! Little Miss Snowflake glides. She doesn't stomp."

Amy: "Is that better?"

Gabrielle: "Getting there, sweetie." (to Vern) "If she was a horse, we'd have to shoot her."

Vern: "Poor thing, she tries so hard."

Gabrielle: "Yeah, she's a trooper. Let's dump her."

Vern: "What? Why?"

Gabrielle: "Pageant consultants are judged on the strength of their roster. You know, we can't afford to bounce every nose-picking no-talent, but we can definitely lose the one who's dragging us down, and that's Amy."

Vern: "We can't do that! Her mother died last year."

Gabrielle: "Yes, I know, I know, and it's tragic, but we are running a business. Amy is sucking up all of our time, and we should be focusing on Sherri. She actually has a shot at winning."

Vern: "How will I tell her family?"

Gabrielle: "We'll do it together. We'll be very diplomatic."

Vern: "Are you sure about this? The poor kid's been through the wringer.

Gabrielle: "Amy! For God sakes, Little Miss Snowflake does not scratch down there!"

Vern: "Well, then again, her mother died a year ago. How long is she gonna milk it?"

Bree's House

Bree walks into Gloria's room, carrying a tray of food. Gloria is watching the TV.

Bree: "Mother Hodge, I have your breakfast."

Gloria: "Just put it over there. I'll pick through it later."

Bree: "What are you watching?"

Gloria: "Home movies."

Bree: "It's fun looking back at the past, isn't it?"

Gloria: "Well, it's one way to kill time while you're waiting for death."

Bree: "We also have cable."

Gloria pauses the video.

Gloria: "Have you decided what you're gonna do about Orson?"

Bree: "Decided?"

Gloria: "Yes. Have you called a lawyer yet?"

Bree: "I don't think that's any of your concern."

Gloria: "I don't mean to pry, but, I think you're a good Christian woman, and you deserve better than my son."

Bree: "Well, I will take that under advisement."

Gloria: "If you give him a chance, he'll draw you back in. It's what he does. Just walk away."

Bree: "It's not that easy. I love him."

Gloria: "You'll get over it. I did."

Gloria turns on the home movie again. It's a scene of Gloria, with her arm around Alma, with Orson standing off to the side.

Outside Lynette's House

Lynette is in her car, talking on her cell phone.

Lynette: "Well, believe me, Rita, he scares me, too. You know what? We should have a meeting, get all the moms together and figure out what to do about this guy. Saturday, your house. Sounds good."

She hears a pounding on her car. She looks in her side view mirror and sees Rebecca hitting the trunk of the car with her hand.

Lynette: "Hey, Rita, I gotta go."

She hangs up.

Lynette: "Sorry, I can't talk now. I have somewhere to go."

Rebecca: "Well, my brother doesn't. The youth center just fired him. Are you happy?"

Lynette: "I'm not sad. He shouldn't be around kids. I saw those pictures."

Rebecca: "Those boys were on his swim team. He was proud of them. Turning that into something dirty says more about you than him."

Lynette: "You can defend him all you want. I know what I know."

Rebecca: "Did you know my brother got spit on at the hardware store yesterday? That they refused to serve us at the diner, that our tire got slashed at the church parking lot? I am not a well woman. I don't need this stress."

Lynette: "Well, I am sorry that happened."

Rebecca: "Have you considered even for a moment that you could be wrong, that you misinterpreted what you saw, that you are ruining my brother's life and mine over nothing?"

Lynette: "I have kids, okay? Better safe than sorry."

Rebecca: "So as long you're safe what do you care who's sorry?"

She leaves Lynette alone.

Bree's House

Susan is over at Bree's house while Bree decorates a gingerbread house.

Susan: "So I'm cooking dinner for Ian's parents tomorrow night, and it's the first time I'm meeting them, so I sort of wanna impress them."

Bree: "And yet you're cooking?"

Susan: "Well, that's the thing. Uh, so I was hoping, you know, if you're not too busy..."

Bree: "Oh, no, no, these things practically build themselves."

Susan: "Thank you. You are a lifesaver."

Bree: "Actually...I could probably use the distraction."

Susan: "Oh?"

Bree: "I asked Orson to move out last night."

Mike's House

Carlos is eating a bowl of cereal while Edie and Mike argue.

Edie: "Oh, come on! Why would you bury your toolbox in the woods?"

Mike: "I knew the cops were looking for it, and I panicked. I was just trying to buy myself some time."

Edie: "Well, you may have bought yourself twenty to life!"

Carlos: "Let the guy enjoy his breakfast."

Edie: "Stay out of this, Carlos. Mike, I want you to look at me. Yeah, you look me in the eye and you swear to me that you didn't kill anybody."

Mike: "How many times do I have to tell you? I can't remember."

Edie: "You can't remember, or you don't wanna remember?"

Carlos: "Um, guys."

He gestures outside, where a police car has pulled up and three officers get out, striding towards Mike's house.

Bree's House

Bree walks Susan to the door.

Susan: "Bree, you have got to go to the police with all of this."

Bree: "I can't. Not yet. I need some time to think."

Susan: "His wife goes missing, and then his mistress turns up dead. What is there to think about?"

They walk outside.

Bree: "I know it sounds suspicious, but in my heart of hearts, I just can't believe that Orson could do such a thing."

Susan: "Sweetie, we all wanna believe the best of the people we care about, but you cannot let your feelings for a man blind you to cold hard facts."

Bree looks past Susan.

Bree: "What in the world?"

Susan turns and they see Mike being escorted to the police car, his hands handcuffed behind him.

Susan: "Oh, my God!"

The two of them walk over to Mrs. McCluskey, who's on the sidewalk in front of Mike's house.

Susan: "What's going on?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "They just arrested Mike for murder."

Susan: "What?!"

Mrs. McCluskey: "They're saying he killed that woman on the news, that Monique person."

Bree: "Oh, thank God!"

Vern's Beauty Pageant Workshop

Vern and Gabrielle walk down the hallway.

Vern: "I can't believe we're gonna break that little girl's heart."

Gabrielle: "Do not wimp out on me here. We gotta do what's best for the business."

Vern: "What if the father yells at me?"

Gabrielle: "Then I will jump in and defend you."

Vern: "Okay, but if you do, try and be diplomatic."

Gabrielle: "I'm always diplomatic. Now just get in there, you spineless 'mo."

They enter the room and go up to a man whose back is towards them.

Vern: "Excuse me, Mr. Pearce?"

Mr. Pearce turns around, revealing that he is very handsome.

Vern: "I'm so glad you could come today. This is my partner, Gabrielle."

Mr. Pearce: "Pleasure to meet you."

Gabrielle giggles.

Vern: "Shall we?"

They all sit down.

Mr. Pearce: "So, uh, what did you wanna talk to me about? Is there a problem with Amy?"

Vern: "Not a problem, per se. We're just a little concerned that she might not have the, um...temperament for pageant competitions."

Mr. Pearce: "And what does that mean?"

Vern: "Well, when it comes to performing, she's not exactly...well, she tends to be...feel free to jump in."

Gabrielle: "I have no idea where you're going with this."

Vern: "Well, as Gaby and I discussed, Amy has certain limitations and her odds of winning are slim."

Gabrielle: "Vern! He is so competitive. I constantly have to remind him they're just kids. When did you lose the joy?"

Vern: "Oh, I think you know."

Mr. Pearce: "Wait, I'm confused. Are you dumping Amy?"

Gabrielle: "Of course not, Bill. Can I call you Bill? It's just we feel that Amy would benefit from some private coaching. Maybe I could come to your house? Say, Friday, five o'clock?"

Mr. Pearce: "Sure. Yeah, I guess."

Gabrielle: "Great! It's a date."

Vern: "Maybe I should come, too."

Gabrielle: "After the harsh things you said about Amy? I don't think so."

Holding Cell

Edie and Mike talk through the bars of his cell.

Mike: "I'm gonna need a good lawyer. And that may take a little research."

Edie: "Uh huh."

Mike: "And whoever takes my case will need a retainer, so if you don't mind, I promise I'll pay you back."

Edie: "Oh, okay."

Mike: "And make sure he knows about my wrench. Apparently, they tested it and found traces of this Monique's blood. What's wrong?"

Edie: "I don't know if you picked up on this, Mike, but...I haven't been happy."

Mike: "No, I didn't pick up on it."

Edie: "Well, I wanted to tell you this weeks ago, and I wish that I had, because now I know you're gonna think that I'm breaking up with you over this whole blood on the ax thing."

Mike: "Wrench."

Edie: "Whatever. But believe me, that's not it. It's just...we are moving too fast."

Mike: "What are you trying to say?"

Edie: "Well, maybe we should just take a break. You know, date other people."

Mike: "You're telling me this on the day I'm put in a men's prison?"

Edie: "Well, I said the timing was bad. I am sorry. I, I really am. I just can't do this."

Later, Mike is pacing in his cell when Susan comes up to him.

Mike: "They told me somebody was coming, but I did not expect it to be you."

Susan: "Is Edie getting you a good lawyer?"

Mike: "I doubt it. She dumped me today."

Susan: "What? Why?"

Mike: "Well, I was arrested for murder."

Susan: "Still. It's tacky. Well, okay then, uh...I'll help get you out. Uh, what's your bail?"

Mike: "A million dollars."

Susan: "Oh."

Mike: "You don't have to help me, Susan."

Susan: "I want to."

Mike: "Aren't you gonna ask?"

Susan: "What?"

Mike: "If I killed that woman?"

Susan: "I don't have to. I know you didn't."

Mike: "I wish I was that sure. I have these flashes, where I see her face, so I must've known her. And if I did, maybe something happened. Maybe I got angry, maybe..."

Susan: "There's an explanation for this, and we're gonna figure it out. Don't worry about a thing."

She strokes his hand through the bars of his cell.

Bill Pearce's House

Gabrielle is inside the kitchen with Bill while Amy practices outside.

Amy: "Miss Gabrielle! When are you gonna come outside and watch me?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, um, the grass, honey, and my allergies...go ahead and practice. I'll watch you from here." (to Bill) "Are you sure I can't help with anything?"

Bill: "I've been a single Dad for a while now. I got the dinner thing down."

Gabrielle: "I've got the restaurant thing down. I can't bring myself to cook for one. Not that I ever cooked for two."

Bill: "Well, no restaurant tonight. You are having dinner with us."

Gabrielle: "Aw, that's sweet."

Bill: "It's the least I can do to thank you for helping Amy."

Gabrielle: "Oh. It's nothing."

She looks outside just in time to see Amy's baton clonk her on the head. Amy falls down and Gabrielle closes the blinds to the window. She turns back to Bill.

Gabrielle: "Yeah, she's a special girl."

Bill: "So...how is it for you, being single again?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, honestly? Um, I hate it. It's like I've forgotten how to date."

Bill: "Me, too. You know, I even let a friend of mine talk me into one of those speed dating things."

Gabrielle: "How was it?"

Bill: "I didn't even go in. I just sat in this hotel lobby. I watched all these lonely, desperate single people filing in, and then it hit me, I'm one of them."

Gabrielle: "I know what you mean."

Amy comes inside.

Amy: "Did you see that? It spun three times and then I caught it. You didn't see."

Bill: "Yeah, I'm sorry, sweetie. I was distracting Gabrielle."

Gabrielle: "Oh, no, no, it's totally my fault. I'm sorry, sweetie. Go outside and do it again. I promise this time we're gonna watch."

Amy goes back outside, leaving the door open. Gabrielle begins stroking Bill's hand and when Amy comes back in to close the door, she sees the stroking. Her eyes narrow.

Susan's House

Susan is in the kitchen, looking in a phone book under "Attorneys." There's a knock on the door.

Susan: "Come in."

Ian comes in, carrying flowers.

Susan: "Hey. Wow, oh, those are gorgeous."

Ian: "Well, I figured you'd be too busy cooking to manage a centerpiece. Well, you, uh, you may not be a good cook but you're certainly a tidy one."

Susan: "Don't worry. Dinner's all taken care of. We're having blanquette de veau and a grand marnier soufflé."

Ian: "Well, that's very ambitious of you, and, uh, when will Bree be done making it?"

Susan: "Five-thirty. But I am rewarming it all by myself."

Ian sees the open phone book.

Ian: "Oh, what's, uh, what's all this?"

Susan: "Mike was arrested for murder."

Ian: "My God."

Susan: "I mean, of course he's totally innocent. I'm just trying to help him find a lawyer."

Ian: "Shouldn't, um, shouldn't his girlfriend be doing that?"

Susan: "Yeah. Edie dumped him. Okay, I know how this looks but I just feel bad. He's just a friend now."

Ian: "Yes. Yes, a friend you sat by for six months, hoping he'd wake up and ravish you again."

Susan: "You are the only one allowed to ravish me these days, so stop worrying."

She kisses him.

Bree's House

Bree is on the phone in the kitchen.

Bree: "Orson, it's me again. Please call. We need to talk."

She hangs up. From the other room, Lynette and Gabrielle are sitting at the dining room table, preparing for poker.