DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES: 03.11 "No Fits, No Fights, No Feuds"

Alma Hodge sits in her car.

Mary Alice: "To understand the journey of Alma Hodge, you first need to know how it started."

FLASHBACK

Mary Alice: "It began the day she wed Orson Hodge, a man she had tricked into marriage by getting pregnant. Alma was confident that as their family grew, Orson's feelings for her would grow as well. But then something went wrong, and the baby she had been counting on never came. So Alma found herself married to a man who seemed to despise her. Still, Alma hoped things would get better..."

Alma sits at the kitchen table, mending a shirt and talking to her bird.

Alma: "Mama loves her baby. Does the baby love mama?"

Mary Alice: "Until the day she discovered Orson was having an affair."

Alma looks down at the shirt she's mending and sees that it has a lipstick mark on the collar.

Mary Alice: "And Alma realized the only way she'd ever get her husband to appreciate her was to leave him...immediately."

Alma packs her bags and is carrying them to the front door, along with the bird's cage, when she trips. Everything she's holding falls to the ground, including the birdcage, which opens and the bird flies up to the top of the stairs. Alma sees Orson's car drive up to the house.

Alma: "If you don't get back in your cage right now, I'm gonna have to leave you behind. Please!"

Orson walks in.

Orson: "Going somewhere?"

Alma: "I'm staying at a motel tonight."

Orson: "Why?"

Alma: "I don't have time to discuss it. I'm late for the bus."

Orson: "All right."

He walks upstairs. Alma follows.

Alma: "I'm going away because...I know you're having an affair."

Orson: "Ah. I see."

Alma: "Aren't you even gonna deny it?"

Orson: "On the contrary. I wanna shout it from the rooftops! For the first time in my life, I'm actually in love."

Alma: "How can you say that to me? I'm your wife!"

Orson: "We both know why we got married and it had nothing to do with affection."

Alma: "So you don't care if I go?"

Orson: "No."

Alma: "Wait! This isn't what's supposed to happen! You should be begging me to stay with you."

Orson: "I deserve to be happy, Alma. So do you. And we're clearly not gonna find that together."

Alma: "Orson, no!"

Orson leaves the house.

Mary Alice: "It was at that moment Alma realized it wasn't enough to leave her husband. He had to be punished."

PRESENT DAY

Alma gets out of the car and heads towards Bree's house.

Mary Alice: "Yes, this was the journey of Alma Hodge..."

She knocks on the front door and Bree answers.

Alma: "Bree Hodge? I'm Alma Hodge. I believe we have someone in common."

Bree faints.

Mary Alice: "...and it wasn't over yet."

OPENING CREDITS

Mary Alice: "There is a time of day all housewives look forward to. It occurs just after the chores have been completed and right before the children come home from school. It's a time for good friends to get together, have a cup of coffee and exchange gossip about the other good friends who couldn't make it that day."

LYNETTE'S FRONT PORCH

Gabrielle, Susan, and Lynette are on Lynette's front porch drinking coffee together.

Susan: "Bree let Orson move back in."

Gabrielle: "You're kidding. When?"

Susan: "Yesterday."

Gabrielle: "I'm so disappointed in her."

Lynette: "Well, the police did arrest Mike. I mean, I know you think he's innocent, but surely you can understand why Bree's feelings have changed."

Susan: "Well, mine haven't, and I know something that Bree probably doesn't. When Orson was seventeen, he spent time in a mental institution."

Gabrielle: "How did you find that out?"

Susan: "I snuck into his office and rifled through his things."

Lynette: "Of course you did."

Gabrielle: "But that doesn't prove he had anything to do with Monique's murder."

Susan: "No, but it's a piece of the puzzle. I mean, he did have an affair with her. And when you combine that with the fact that his first wife went missing..."

BREE'S HOUSE

Bree: "So you're Alma. Where have you been all this time?"

Alma: "In Canada. My aunt lives there."

Bree: "Well, you should've told someone. People thought you were dead. Some even thought that Orson killed you."

Alma: "Well, that's sort of what I wanted them to think. That's why I left my bird behind and only took cash, so they couldn't trace me through my credit cards."

Bree: "So you deliberately framed Orson?"

Alma: "I'm not saying it was my finest hour. But you have to understand, Orson hurt me very badly. He cheated on me."

Bree: "Yes, I know--with Monique Polier."

Alma: "And I thought, if I disappeared, she'd get scared and leave him, like he left me. Isn't jealousy awful?"

Bree: "So why have you come back?"

Alma: "I found this fantastic therapist. He told me that by holding on to my anger I was really just hurting myself, which was hard to deny. I mean, hello, I'm here in Winnipeg with a deaf aunt and no credit. So I thought, it's time to make amends."

Orson comes home. He doesn't see Bree and Alma right away.

Orson: "Darling? Mrs. Mclean canceled, so I'm free for lunch."

Bree: "Um, actually, we have a guest."

Alma: "Hello, Orson."

Orson: "Oh, hello."

Alma: "So...what is it with you and redheads?"

WISTERIA LANE PARK

Gabrielle and Bill are having a picnic in the neighborhood park. A bee keeps flying around Gabrielle and she keeps trying to shoo it away.

Bill: "I, I hope you don't mind me springing this picnic on you. I figured it'd be more fun than some stuffy restaurant."

Gabrielle: "Are you kidding? What could be more romantic?"

She swats at the bee again.

Gabrielle: "Back off, you son of a bitch!"

Bill: "More wine?"

Gabrielle: "Yes, keeps it coming."

Her phone rings. She picks it up.

Gabrielle: "Hello?"

Carlos: "Hey, who's the dork?"

Gabrielle: "Carlos?"

Carlos: "What's with that cap? Extra, extra, read all about it!"

Gabrielle: "Where the hell are you?"

She looks around her and sees Carlos on Mike's front porch, watching them as he drinks a beer.

Gabrielle: "What are you doing at Mike's house?"

Carlos: "I live here."

Gabrielle: "What do you mean you live there? Since when?"

Carlos: "Gaby, my car's been in the driveway for three weeks. Even you can't be that self-absorbed."

Gabrielle: "Well, as you can see, I have more pleasant things to focus on."

Carlos: "So when you gonna tell Jimmy Olsen there that you hate picnics?"

Gabrielle: "I'm gonna hang up now."

She hangs up and turns back to Bill.

Gabrielle: "So where were we?"

Bill: "Your ex-husband moved in across the street? What's that gonna be like?"

Her phone rings again and she answers it.

Gabrielle: "Yeah?!"

Carlos: "Are you gonna kiss him?"

Gabrielle: "That's right, Carlos. We have had some plums with raccoons getting into the trash. So why don't you just put a lid on it?"

She hangs up on him.

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Lynette faces her three boys as they all stand near the front door.

Lynette: "Okay, they're here. Now listen, stand up. Kayla has been through a lot, so when she walks in the door, I want you to make her feel welcome, okay? Give her a hug and be really nice."

Parker: "I'm giving her my room. How much nicer do I have to be?"

Lynette: "Well, nicer than that, or she's gonna get all your toys, too."

Tom and Kayla walk through the door. Lynette gives her a hug.

Lynette: "Hey, hey, hey!"

Tom: "Hi! Look who I found wandering around the airport."

Lynette: "Hi, Kayla! We missed you! We're so glad you're here. Okay, boys."

The three boys walk forward, surround Kayla and awkwardly begin patting her head and shoulder. Lynette finally herds them away.

Lynette: "Good. Yeah, okay. So give her some room. Hey, wow, look, are those presents for Kayla? Yes, they are."

The boys come forward one by one and give Kayla gifts.

Lynette: "Hey, look at that. Preston gave you a harmonica. Isn't that cool? Oh "Harriet the Spy." Sounds mysterious."

Kayla: "Thanks."

Lynette: "And what did you get for her, Porter?"

Porter: "A video game, but I get to play it whenever I want."

Lynette: "Porter! I--you know what? I got you something, too."

Lynette brings over a fancy doll and gives it to Kayla.

Lynette: "This is Nellie. My grandma gave her to me when I was little, and I was hoping you could take care of her for me."

Kayla: "Thanks."

Tom: "Hey, honey, why don't you take your stuff and go upstairs and, uh, get ready for lunch, okay? I'm gonna make some chili."

Kayla: "Okay, daddy."

Tom: "Okay, baby."

The kids head upstairs.

Tom: "Honey...that was so sweet to give her your doll."

Lynette: "She didn't seem that knocked out by it."

Tom: "Well, just give her some time. She'll, she'll come around. It's a tough adjustment."

Lynette: "Okay."

As Kayla walks upstairs slowly, she holds the doll by its ankles, letting it drag behind her.

BREE'S HOUSE

Bree, Orson, and Alma are in the living room eating cake.

Alma: "I must say, Bree, I don't know when I've tasted such moist pound cake."

Bree: "Sour cream."

Alma: "So whatever happened to my parrot?"

Orson: "I set it free."

Alma: "Orson, they don't fair well in the wild. You should've--"

Orson: "For god sake, Alma, who cares about the damn bird? You set me up."

Bree: "Why don't I wrap up a piece of this pound cake for you to enjoy later?"

Bree leaves the room.

Orson: "Do you have any idea what you put me through? You almost ruined my life."

Alma: "You've rebounded nicely. Bree's lovely."

Orson: "Don't change the subject."

Alma: "You put me through a lot, too, Orson, but I forgave you. Can't we just put this behind us?"

Orson: "And that's all you've come back for? Closure?"

Alma: "Of course. What else?"

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Susan walks into Julie's room, where she's reading on the bed.

Susan: "I'm out of lipstick. Can I borrow yours?"

Julie: "Sure."

Susan: "Cherry Berry?"

Julie: "Austin likes the way it tastes."

Susan: "Oh, I so did not need to know that."

Julie: "So, um, where you going?"

Susan: "Down to the jailhouse to talk to Mike."

Julie: "But didn't you tell Ian you wouldn't see him anymore?"

Susan: "Yeah. But somebody's gotta tell him about his new lawyer. Otherwise, the guy's gonna show up, and he's gonna go, "who the hell is he?" Ian gets that. Besides, why would it be a big deal? Mike and I are over."

Julie: "I was just wondering, 'cause, you know, you're putting on lipstick to go to a prison."

BREE'S HOUSE

Bree and Orson are showing Alma out.

Bree: "Thank you for clearing things up."

Alma: "Oh, well, it was the least I could do. Orson, I'm truly sorry for the pain I've caused, and if there's anything else I can do..."

Bree sees that across the street, Susan is putting out her trash.

Bree: "Actually, there is. I'd love it if you could join us for dinner this weekend. There are some friends that I'm just dying for you to meet."

PRISON

Susan is visiting Mike.

Mike: "You got me a lawyer?"

Susan: "Yeah and he is fantastic. You cannot believe the scum he has gotten off. Not that you're scum. But, you know, if you were, you'd be sitting pretty."

Mike: "I'm paying you back. Every penny."

Susan: "Oh, well, you know, we'll figure that out later."

Mike: "I-I can't believe that I just listened to all that stuff Edie told me about you, and it turns out you're the only one standing by me. You're a good friend, Susan."

Susan: "Um, yeah, about that...it's Ian. He's not crazy about me spending time with my ex."

Mike: "Even an ex who doesn't remember dating you?"

Susan: "I remember, and I guess that's enough for him. I'm sorry."

Mike: "Well, I, uh, can't say that I blame him."

Susan: "Take care of yourself, Mike."

Mike: "You, too, Susan."

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

The three boys, Kayla, and Penny are seated around the kitchen table.

Lynette: "Dinner's ready. Kayla, I made your favorite--tacos. Here you go."

Kayla: "But where's my daddy?"

Lynette: "Oh, sorry, sweetheart. He's working late, trying to get the restaurant ready. Oh, lovely, Parker. Go wash your hands. Go on."

Kayla gets up and carries her plate to the living room.

Lynette: "Kayla, where you going?"

Kayla: "To watch TV."

Lynette: "Oh, sweetie, we don't watch TV during dinner."

Kayla: "But my show is on."

Lynette: "Well, I'm sorry. Those are the rules."

Kayla: "My mommy let me."

Lynette: "Well...just this once."

Kayla sits down on the couch and the boys stare at Lynette accusingly.

Lynette: "Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking, but...Kayla's going through a hard time right now. Come and sit down. Letting her watch TV is like me letting you eat ice cream when you're sick."

Twin: "But she's not sick."

Lynette: "Well, that's true, but she's sad."

Twin: "I'm sad I can't watch TV."

Lynette: "Eat your tacos."

Lynette sits down. The boys look at each other and then all get up and begin to take their plates into the living room, too.

Lynette: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sit your butts down!"

Twin: "It's not fair."

Lynette: "I don't care. We have rules."

Twin: "Well, she gets to."

Lynette: "She is special. Now sit down. Come on."

Twin: "Does she get dessert, too?"

Kayla (from the living room): "Of course I do."

WISTERIA LANE - NIGHTTIME

Gabrielle and Bill are walking down the sidewalk to Gabrielle's house.

Bill: "What an amazing documentary, huh? You know, I read the director shot over four hundred hours of film."

Gabrielle: "Really? I only counted half that."

Bill: "I get it. You pick the next one."

Gabrielle: "Okay."

They reach Gabrielle's house and see that there's a large bouquet of flowers waiting on the porch.

Gabrielle: "Look at you! Who knew you were such a romantic?"

Bill: "Actually, I, I didn't send them."

Gabrielle: "You didn't?"

Bill: "So, uh, who's making me look bad?"

Gabrielle: "Uh, there's no signature. Sorry. This is kind of awkward."

Bill: "No, I, I don't care who worships you from afar, as long as I get to do it up close."

Gabrielle: "That's sweet that you're not jealous. Carlos would've hit the roof if some guy sent me...would you excuse me a minute?"

She storms off with the flowers towards Mike's house and to where Carlos is lifting weights in the garage.

Gabrielle: "Nice try, Carlos."

Carlos: "Huh?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, don't act innocent. You know you sent me these flowers."

Carlos: "Why would I get you flowers?"

Gabrielle: "To sabotage my new relationship."

Carlos: "Oh, with picnic boy? What do I care if you go out with him?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, you care. First, you move across the street. And then, earlier today, I catch you spying on me--"

Carlos: "I was not spying. I was mocking you."

Gabrielle: "You need to move on, Carlos."

Carlos: "I have moved on! You're the one talking to your ex during the middle of a date. Is he that boring?"

Gabrielle: "Bill is not boring. He is vibrant, and, and sexy."

Carlos: "And yet here you are."

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Lynette is cleaning up after dinner and finds the doll she gave Kayla stuffed in the trashcan, chili all over it, and the arms removed. Later, she's moisturizing her face while talking to Tom, who's sitting in bed.

Tom: "She threw your doll in the trash?"

Lynette: "No. First, she ripped off its arms, stuffed it with chili. Then she threw it in the trash."

Tom: "So what did you do?"

Lynette: "Nothing."

Tom: "And this is after you let her watch TV during dinner?"

Lynette: "Well, I didn't know what else to do. I'm trying to win over a little girl who clearly doesn't want a new mother."

Tom: "Well, I guess giving her special treatment isn't gonna solve anything."

Lynette: "You know what might solve something? If you were home once in a while. You're the one she listens to."

Tom: "I am trying to open up a restaurant. Our life savings are riding on this thing."

Lynette: "I know, I know. I know."

Tom: "You know what? I don't want you to be afraid to take a firm hand with Kayla. She's part of our family now, and you know what that means."

Lynette: "Yeah. I should treat her as badly as I treat my own children."

Tom: "Exactly."

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Julie and Austin are kissing each other passionately while lying on her bed. Austin's hand travels down to Julie's pants. She pushes his hand away.

Julie: "Sorry. Um, I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet."

Austin: "That's cool. You can't blame me for trying, though."

Julie: "Austin, you know I want to. It's just..."

Austin: "Hey, don't sweat it. All right, if you're not ready, you're not ready."

BREE'S HOUSE

Julie and Danielle are in the kitchen, talking. Andrew stands behind them in the doorway, listening.

Danielle: "So he didn't pressure you at all? What a great guy."

Julie: "I know. I'm so lucky. Underneath all that bad boy posturing, he's a real gentleman."

Andrew: "Wow, you're not only a virgin, you think like one."

Danielle: "Beat it, eavesdropper."

Julie: "No, wait. Um...what did you mean by that?"

Andrew: "Well, uh...guys need sex. All right? It's basic science. So if he's not getting it from you, he'll end up getting it somewhere else."

Danielle: "You're a moron. Not all guys pressure girls for sex."

Andrew: "Yeah, gay guys don't. But Austin's not gay, not even after three beers. Don't ask."

Danielle: "So what's your point?"

Andrew: "If a guy has to wait too long to see you naked, he'll end up seeing you as a friend. Again... science."

He leaves.

Danielle: "Don't listen to him. You hold on to your virginity. If Austin won't wait, then he doesn't deserve you."

Julie: "I just don't wanna lose him."

Danielle: "It's better than losing your self-respect. Take it from a girl who's known at school as Little Miss Van De Tramp."

Julie: "I thought you made that up."

Danielle: "Only 'cause it was nicer than the other names they were calling me."

OUTSIDE GABRIELLE'S HOUSE

Bill is loading up his car with clothing and other items.

Bill: "I really appreciate you donating this stuff."

Gabrielle: "Anything for a good cause."

Bill: "Everyone at the shelter's gonna be so excited."

Gabrielle sees Carlos jog by them and she watches him.

Gabrielle: "Yeah."

Bill: "I mean, to you and me, these are just a bunch of old clothes. But to a homeless woman...it's a chance for her to feel pretty again. You okay?"

Gabrielle: "What?"

Bill: "I asked if you're okay. You seem kind of distracted."

Gabrielle: "I...am fine. Yes, I just remembered today's my mother's birthday. Can we stop by the florist on the way to the shelter?"

Bill: "Yeah."