Desperate Housewives - Episode 03.09 - Beautiful Girls

Outside a Restaurant

Susan and Ian are outside of a fancy restaurant.

Susan: "I'm just saying that we never spend the night at your house."

Ian: "But your place is so warm and cozy."

Susan: "Oh, it's also a disaster area. I didn't get a chance to clean it today."

Susan's heel comes off her shoe.

Susan: "Oops!"

Ian: "Oh, here, let me."

"Susan Mayer had never thought of herself as Cinderella, but then one day, a prince showed up."

Ian slips the shoe back on Susan's foot.

Ian: "Well, we can't have you sleeping in squalor, can we? My place it is."

"And Susan realized her life had become a fairy tale. And since her prince had welcomed her into his castle, she felt the least she could do was thank him again and again and again. The next morning, however, Susan discovered castles don't run themselves."

Susan is sleeping naked in a bed when a butler stands by the bed and coughs discreetly.

Susan: "All right, ah, but let's make it a quickie 'cause you are wasting water."

She rolls over and sees the butler, letting out a shriek.

Rupert: "Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."

Susan: "Uh, who are you?"

Rupert: "I am Rupert. I work for Mr. Hainsworth. That would be the man you slept with, in case names weren't exchanged."

Susan: "Oh, no, I'm your boss's girlfriend. Surely he mentioned me."

Rupert: "Mm, not that I recollect."

Ian comes into the room.

Ian: "Rupert."

Rupert: "Good morning, boss."

Ian: "I thought you were off today. Isn't your sister in town?"

Rupert: "Uh, that's next weekend, sir."

Ian: "Oh.

Rupert: "It's a good thing, too. Otherwise, I might not have had the pleasure of meeting your girlfriend."

Ian: "Susan? Yes, we met at the, um, at the hospital. Why don't I fetch you a robe?"

Susan: "Loving that idea."

Rupert: "Would you care for some breakfast? Omelet? Strawberry tart? Brioche?"

Susan: "Ooh, wow. Um, yeah, that sounds great. You pick."

"Yes, Susan's life had indeed become a fairy tale."

Rupert: "You are aware there is a Mrs. Hainsworth?"

Susan: "Well, of course."

"And what's a fairy tale..."

Rupert: "Tart it is."

"...without a dragon to slay?"

Opening Credits

Police Station

"We know dangerous men walk among us. What we can't be sure of is who they are or where they hide. So the most we can offer any stranger is reasonable doubt. But once the doubt is gone, people are anything but reasonable."

Tom and Lynette are talking with a cop at the police station.

Lynette: "I am telling you, our neighbor is a pedophile, and I expect you to do something about it."

Cop: "Mrs. Scavo, he's not listed on any sex offender registry. He's never had so much as a traffic ticket."

Lynette: "He's a single man with a basement full of toys!"

Cop: "I understand your concern, but we can't book a guy on possession of toys."

Lynette: "You don't get it. His house had this creepy vibe. Tell him, Tom."

Tom: "I never went down to the actual room..."

Lynette: "Okay, he wasn't there. He doesn't know. Look, he had a wall full of pictures of half-naked boys in swimsuits."

Cop: "Didn't you say he was a swim coach?"

Lynette: "What are you, his lawyer?"

Tom: "You have to admit, it's odd."

Cop: "Here's what's odd...if your neighbor had something to hide, why'd he invite you in to see all of his stuff?"

Lynette: "He wasn't technically home when I went inside."

Cop: "So you broke in?"

Lynette: "The door was open...I was bringing him a cake."

Cop: "A cake?"

Lynette: "It was a thank you cake. He sort of saved my life."

Tom: "She didn't know that he was a pedophile when she baked the actual cake."

Lynette: "He doesn't care about the cake, Tom."

Tom: "Why are you snapping at me?"

Lynette: "I'm not snapping at you."

Tom: "You're totally snapping."

Lynette: "I am snapping because there is a monster across the street, and Barney Fife here is making me sound like the bad guy!"

She leaves.

Tom: "Look, I'm sorry. She's been under a lot of stress, hasn't slept well."

Lynette (from the other room): "You better not be apologizing for me!"

Tom: "Gotta go."

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle is trying on outfits that Vern, her personal shopper, brought over.

Vern: "So, I've got some fabulous news."

Gabrielle: "Well, I hope it's more fabulous than this dress. I look like something Ike Turner would hit."

Vern: "You're gonna have to find yourself another personal shopper."

Gabrielle: "What, I slam one dress, and you quit on me?"

Vern: "No, that's my news. I'm leaving the store and starting my own business."

Gabrielle: "Beauty by Vern. You're opening up a salon? God, could you get any gayer?"

Vern: "It's a consulting firm for beauty pageant contestants.

Gabrielle: "And the answer's yes."

Vern: "This week, I'm coaching little girls for the Miss Snowflake pageant. It's very rewarding. Hey, you know what might be fun? If you come down and give a talk. You know, give the kids some pointers."

Gabrielle: "Vern, I worked the catwalks in Milan and Paris. I'm not gonna give makeup tips to little miss training bra."

Vern: "You have been in rare bitch form. It's been months now, so don't blame it on your cycle."

Gabrielle: "Don't call me a bitch, and stop tracking my cycle. I told you that freaks me out."

Vern: "I'm just saying you've been very cranky today. What's going on?"

Gabrielle: "The divorce decree came through today. Carlos is officially out of my life."

Vern: "Oh, honey. The girls' ages range eight to twelve. We meet every Thursday in the rec room of the Elks Lodge."

Gabrielle: "I'm not doing it."

Vern: "You need a project. That's your problem, you're bored. And you know what the cure for that is...helping others."

Gabrielle: "Fine. I'll do it. But I want this dress for free."

Vern: "Evil! You said you hated it."

Gabrielle: "And I hate helping others, too, but I'm doing that, aren't I?"

Ian's House

Susan enters the bedroom after her shower, wrapped up only in a towel with another towel wrapped around her hair.

Susan: "Is the coast clear? I don't wanna flash the help again."

Ian: "Relax. He's making breakfast. But you're more than welcome to flash me."

Susan: "How long has Rupert worked for you?"

Ian: "Oh, for years. He's practically family."

Susan: "So you're that close, and you never told him about me?"

Ian: "Yes, about that...Rupert was incrediblydevoted to Jane. He's, uh, never seen me with another woman, let alone a frisky, naked one."

Susan: "Well, that explains why he was a little cold to me this morning."

Ian: "Was he? I'll have a talk with him."

Susan: "Oh, no, don't do that. That'll just make it worse. I get it. He loved Jane. He doesn't know me. You know, I'll just have to charm him, warm him up a little."

She bends over to pick up her dress from the floor. Rupert comes into the room and being faced with a bent-over Susan, promptly turns around and leaves again.

Ian: "Well, I'm, uh, I'm sure you'll find a way."

Susan: "Great. Nine o'clock in the morning, and I have to put on a slinky, black cocktail dress. Hey, here's an idea. You keep some things in a drawer at my house. Would it be okay if I had one here?"

Ian: "A drawer? Do you think we'll be here that often?"

Susan: "Your shower has six power nozzles. With or without you, I'll be back."

Ian: "Well, then by all means, let's get you a drawer."

Susan: "I don't need much. One of those will do."

Ian: "Actually, that's not a good idea. Rupert arranges things meticulously. You'll never win him over if you mess with his system. Rupert?"

Rupert comes back into the room.

Susan: "Wow! Your timing's perfect."

Rupert: "Not always."

Ian: "Susan will be needing a drawer."

Rupert: "A drawer, sir?"

Ian: "Yes, for her things. She's gonna be spending more time here."

Susan: "Yeah, Rupert, I hope we can be good friends, 'cause you're gonna be seeing lots more of me."

Rupert: "Oh, madam, that hardly seems possible."

Bree's House

The family, minus Gloria, is sitting around the dinner table, food in front of them.

Bree: "Mother Hodge, your food will get cold!"

Gloria: "Why, please, is there a lock on the liquor cabinet?"

Bree: "Because your doctor says people taking your medication shouldn't drink. A warning you've chosen to ignore if the lipstick on the vodka bottle is any indication."

Gloria: "Poached fish again? I don't want this. I want what you're all having."

Bree: "Well, your doctor has you on a low fat, low sodium diet. Eight meals this week, eight times I've told you the same thing. So, who'd like to say grace?"

Gloria: "Allow me. Dear Lord, I thank you for this bland, indifferently prepared meal, and beseech you to ignite some spark of compassion in my coldhearted daughter-in-law, that she might show some shred of mercy to me, her wretched captive. Amen."

Orson: "Mother, may I remind you, you asked to come here?"

Gloria: "I didn't know I'd be trading one jail for another. At least at the home you could bribe the orderlies to smuggle things in, but here, nothing gets past the commandant."

Bree: "I have done everything I can to make you happy and comfortable. What do you want from us?"

Gloria: "I want my freedom. I want out of this perky little gulag and into a house I can call my own. And you're going to buy it for me."

Orson: "I can't afford to buy you a house."

Gloria: "You can't afford not to."

Later, Orson and Bree talk as they prepare dessert.

Orson: "I know a house won't be easy to swing, but how many more of these Edward Albee dinners do you want to sit through?"

Bree: "What did she mean by, you can't afford not to? Was she threatening you with something?"

Orson: "Yes, she's threatening to make us miserable till we cave. Look, at least see if Edie has any cheap listings. We'll be happier, my mother will be happier..."

Bree: "Yeah, and she'll take terrible care of herself and be dead in a year."

Orson: "You just stole my next argument."

Mike's House - Nighttime

Edie is sitting at Mike's table, going through his bills. Mike looks out the window where the detective is keeping surveillance on Mike's house from his car parked on the street.

Edie: "Okay, you've got enough money to pay either the phone or the cable bill, but not both. Hello? Mike. I'm trying to help you here."

Mike: "Oh, I'm sorry. Just do whatever you want."

Edie: "Fine. Cable it is. Nobody calls you anyway."

He goes outside and goes up to the detective.

Mike: "What do you want?"

Detective Ridley: "My toilet's clogged. I thought maybe you could fix it. Oh, wait, you can't, can you? 'Cause you don't have any tools. Must be tough being a plumber without tools."

Mike: "Why don't you people leave me the hell alone?"

Detective Ridley: "Jeez, you sure are hostile for a guy who makes his living in the service industry."

He drives off and Mike goes back inside.

Edie: "You know, it just occurred to me, there's no point in paying the cable bill if you're not gonna have electricity. So I'm thinking pay the electricity upfront and..."

Mike goes into another room and opens a cabinet, revealing the toolbox Karen McCluskey gave him earlier.

Vern's Beauty Pageant Workshop

Vern meets Gabrielle outside the room.

Vern: "Where have you been? They're all waiting for you."

Gabrielle: "I'm here to teach fashion, so I'm fashionably late."

Vern: "Cute. Now remember, these mothers have refinanced their trailers in order to pay for this, so when you make your entrance, for God sakes, sparkle."

Gabrielle is backstage while Vern introduces her.

Vern: "Now in addition to her three Vogue covers, you may remember her as the face of La Roque cosmetics. Please welcome Miss Gabrielle Marquez!"

Gabrielle walks down the runway, smiling. She catches sight of the girls and their mothers and stops.

Gabrielle: "Vern? A moment."

They go backstage.

Vern: "Is there a problem?"

Gabrielle: "Yes! What am I supposed to do with that petting zoo out there?"

Vern: "Not everyone wins the genetic lottery like you did. These girls need help finding the promised land of beauty and style. Please, Gabrielle, be their Moses."

Gabrielle: "Good comparison, because it's gonna take a miracle to turn these mutts into show dogs."

She goes back out front.

Gabrielle: "Hey, girls, let's talk beauty."

Mike's House

There's a knock on Mike's door. When he answers it, it's Carlos, who hugs him, then walks in.

Carlos: "What's up, brother?"

Mike: "I'm sorry. You are..."

Carlos: "Carlos from down the street. We were only best friends, dude."

Mike: "Oh, uh, things have been a little fuzzy since the accident."

Carlos: "I'm sorry that I, uh, I hadn't come by sooner, but my divorce has been kicking my ass."

Mike: "I'm sorry to hear that."

Carlos: "Anyway, I got a new condo, but it's getting renovated, so I was thinking maybe I could crash here."

Mike: "Here?"

Carlos: "Yeah, I could help you out around the house, and free you up to focus on job one, getting better. 'Cause you're tossing it to Edie now, right? That's a real relationship killer, needing your lady to hoist you off the can."

Mike: "How long are we talking?"

Carlos: "Couple months. Three at the most. And, of course, I can kick in for half the utilities and rent."

Mike: "Well, how can I say no to my best friend?"

Carlos grins.

Lynette's House

Lynette is looking out her window, watching as the neighborhood kids play.

Kid: "Can you do a kickflip?"

Lynette: "What are the Blake kids doing all the way over here? Pam needs to keep a closer eye on them."

Tom: "Will you please come away from that window? You barely slept last night. Come on. Take a nap."

Lynette: "I'm fine. I'm fine. Whoa. Hold on."

She sees Art coming toward the house and she goes outside to meet him. He hands her the plate she had used for the cake she baked him.

Lynette: "Hey, what's up?"

Art: "I've been meaning to get this back to you, and to thank you. Rebecca and I really enjoyed the cake."

Lynette: "Oh! Good. So...bye."

Art: "So what'd you think of our place?"

Lynette: "Sorry?"

Art: "I heard you were good friends with the Young family. It must have been weird being in there with all the new furniture."

Lynette: "I didn't notice."

Art: "Well, how about the kitchen? Rebecca likes the color, but I'm not so sure."

Lynette: "Oh, sorry. Never made it past the living room."

Art: "What? Come on! You're in an empty house, curious about your new neighbors. You look around. We all do it."

Lynette: "Well, I don't."

Art: "Well, next time you're over, I'll have to give you the tour."

Lynette: "Great, great."

Parker comes running over to them.

Parker: "Mr. Protector Man!"

Lynette: "Hey, hey, not now, Parker."

Parker: "I just wanted to see if I can play his pinball machine again."

Art looks at Lynette.

Art: "I guess there's no need for that tour."

Vern's Beauty Pageant Workshop

Gabrielle: "All right, girls, first things first. If you can't walk, you can't win. Hit it, Vern!"

He turns on some music.

Gabrielle: "Remember, eyes forward, shoulders back, hips square. Look left, look right, whip and walk. Yes, I'm unbelievable. Close your mouths."

Later, the girls are walking down the runway, trying to imitate what Gabrielle showed them. A young blond girl, Isabel, is near the end.

Gabrielle: "Stop, stop."

Isabel: "What? My eyes were forward, my hips were square."

Gabrielle: "But where's your confidence? Where's your pride?"

Isabel: "Come on. What do I have to be proud of?"

Gabrielle: "Have you guys ever seen a runway model without the hot clothes and makeup? Well, trust me, they're not that special. But the one thing that they do have is attitude. You have to believe in yourself, and if not, pretend to believe in yourself, okay? All right. Now I want you to pretend you're on the runway...flashbulbs are popping, everyone's looking at you, envying you, and they're all thinking the same thing...Isabel Horowitz is smoking hot! Go, Isabel! Go! You're doing it! Isabel, you're doing it! That's it! Keep going!"

Everyone claps.

Isabel: "I was walking!"

Gabrielle: "You were totally walking! Good job! All right, Donna, you're next. Get up there and make me hate your beauty."

House for Sale

Edie: "Now this place is a real diamond in the rough. Cozy little two-bedroom plus den, with a highly motivated seller."

Bree: "Oh, look, a highly motivated cockroach."

Edie: "Let's try to be positive, people. Fabulous location. Just walking distance to all sorts of fun shops. "

Bree: "Right, from here I can see a bail bondsman and an adult bookshop."

Edie: "What do you expect in your price range? Tara?"

Bree: "Let's go. Thank you."

Gloria: "Wait. I'm not an impractical woman. I know that my son's resources are...like his achievements, rather limited. I want to see the rest of it."

Edie: "Okay. Now the lighting in the kitchen is a bit harsh. The previous owner, well, let's just say he ran some sort of home-based medical business."

Edie continues to show Gloria the house while Bree talks with Orson.

Bree: "You cannot let your mother move into this neighborhood. It's filled with junkies and whores."

Orson: "And we'll owe them all an apology, but who cares? She likes it."

Bree: "Of course she likes it. There's a twenty-four-hour liquor store across the street."

Orson: "She wants a house. This is the best we can afford without bankrupting ourselves."

Bree: "Orson, what if something should happen to her?"

Orson: "Stop worrying about her. Worry about us. Do you realize how much we've been fighting since she came? The woman's ruined every relationship that's mattered to me, and she's doing it again."

From the kitchen, they hear Gloria cry out.

Edie: "Oh, my God!

Bree: "Are you all right?"

Orson: "Oh! Mother?"

Edie: "It's just a little spill. Her cane hit a loose tile."

Bree: "Is anything broken?"

Gloria: "Well, obviously, the damn floor.

Orson: "We'll need that fixed before she moves in."

Bree: "Are you insane? She obviously can't be on her own."

Orson: "Why, it's a loose tile."

Gloria: "I'm perfectly fine."

Bree: "And what if you weren't? What if she had broken something and she was lying here for hours? You are coming home with us."

Orson: "Bree..."

Bree: "And I will not hear another word on the subject."

Vern's Beauty Pageant Workshop

The girls and Gabrielle are taking a lunch break by eating pizza.

Isabel: "I can't believe you bought us pizza."

Gabrielle: "Well, you guys earned it. But eat fast, because we only have one hour left, and I want to introduce you to your new best friend, Mr. Spray Tan."

Amy: "You know so much cool stuff. Can't you come back another day?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, I don't know."

Amy: "Please?"

Girl: "You have to."

Gabrielle: "Well, let me check my book. I might have to move some stuff around, but I think I can swing it."

Isabel: "Your life must be so exciting, huh?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah, every day's a parade."

Amy: "So what was it like being a famous model?"

Gabrielle: "Honestly, it was like any other job, except the pay was great, the clothes were couture, and the parties were just this side of Gomorrah. You don't know what Gomorrah means, do you? Good."

Isabel: "Did you know Kate Moss?"

Gabrielle: "I invited her to a party once."

Donna: "Did you eat pizza with her? 'Cause if you did, it's almost like we ate pizza with her."

Gabrielle: "Well, honey, most models don't eat pizza. Well, at least not without having a finger for dessert."

Girls: "Gross."