Desperate Housewives - Episode 02.15 - Thank You So Much

Susan's Dining Room

Susan is sitting at the table smiling and doodling a picture of a stickman hanging in a noose.

"Susan Mayer had always believed the punishment should fit the crime."

Flashback - Susan's Laundry Room

"She first came to this conclusion when she discovered her husband Karl had been unfaithful."

Susan takes Karl's shirt out of the dryer and finds lipstick on the collar.

Flashback - Susan's Garage

"Since Karl had destroyed the love she had given him..."

Susan puts Karl's trophy in a vise and starts pounding it with a hammer.

Flashback - Susan's Backyard

A pair of men's dress shoes are on a barbeque. Susan sprays lighter fluid onto the shoes. They burst into flames and Susan smiles.

"Susan felt it was only appropriate she destroy the things he loved in return..."

Flashback - Susan's Car

Susan runs over Karl's golf clubs carefully placed on the curb so each is bent in half.

"...one by one."

Susan smiles as she crushes them.

Present - Susan's Dining Room

"But now, three years after their divorce, Susan was reunited with Karl once again..."

Susan is still sitting at the table, doodling and smiling.

Karl: "Susan, are you listening to me?"

"As partners in a crime of their own."

Karl: "This is insurance fraud. We could both go to jail. Now we can't tell anyone we're getting married.

Susan: "I know. I was listening to you."

Julie is sitting at the table with Susan and Karl.

Karl: "Now the pre-nup's all set. You can sign it at the courthouse."

Susan: "Eleven-thirty, Wednesday morning. Right?"

Karl: "Right. And your surgery's still on for Thursday?"

Susan: "Yep."

Karl: "Good. The insurance kicks in the minute we say 'I do'? You're set to go."

Julie: "I know no one's asking me, but I think this whole thing is a tragic mistake and I just don't have it in me to survive another ugly divorce."

Susan: "Don't worry, honey. This time, it is strictly a business arrangement."

Julie: "It better be, 'cause if I see so much as one lingering gaze between the two of you, I swear I'll go to the insurance company and turn you in."

Julie walks upstairs.

Susan: "So, we shouldn't expect a wedding gift, huh?"

Karl: "Oh, can you grab me your wedding ring? I wanna get it cleaned before the ceremony."

Susan: "Uh, is that really necessary? I mean, do we have to do the whole ring thing?"

Karl: "Of course we do. It's gotta look believable."

Susan: "Yeah, okay. Well, I'll just grab something out of my jewelry box."

Karl: "Susan, that ring was my grandmother's. One day it's gonna be Julie's. Where is it?"

Susan: "I don't know exactly."

Karl: "That was a family heirloom. I trusted you with it."

Susan: "Well, I trusted you not to cheat on me and break my heart."

Karl: "Oh, my god. Oh, my god. What, what did you do with it?"

Susan: "I threw it out my car window somewhere on route seven."

Karl: "What? When?"

Susan: "The night you abandoned me."

Karl: "Suz...?'

Susan: "Karl, you are so not allowed to get angry. I mean, I might've been the one to throw away the wedding ring, but you threw away the whole marriage. There was plenty of bad behavior that went on back then, so just get off your high horse. We're on the same page now, so we should just focus on that."

Highway

Susan is running a metal detector over the brush on the side of the road as Karl stands by his car watching her.

"Yes, Susan Mayer believed the punishment should fit the crime."

Susan: "Karl, I think there might be snakes in here."

Karl: "We're not leaving here until you find that ring."

"But for that matter, so did Karl."

Opening Credits

Leonardo's Bar and Grille

A waiter is singing opera.

"It was a tradition at Leonardo's Bar and Grill, an hour before closing time, a waiter would sing a selection of ridiculously depressing Italian arias."

Bree, all dressed up, sits at a table listening, in tears.

"It was also a tradition that the only customers who would actually listen were the ones already depressed to begin with."

A waiter hands Bree a napkins for her tears.

Bree: "Tony? Do you have to rush off? I thought maybe we could just chat for a minute."

Tony: "So, I haven't seen you in a while."

Bree: "Well, I didn't wanna come here because I was afraid it would drudge up memories of my husband. This was our place. Rex passed away recently. He was, um, murdered by our pharmacist."

Tony: "Wow. I hope you changed pharmacists."

Bree: "I didn't have to. He committed suicide."

Tony: "Look, you've had a little too much wine tonight. How about I call you a cab?"

Bree: "Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm okay."

Tony: "Your car would be safe in our lot, and you can pick it up tomorrow. Please."

Bree: "Well, okay. Tony? How many more arias is he gonna sing?"

Tony: "Five."

Bree: "Oh. In that case, why don't you bring me another bottle of the Pinot Grigio? And please hurry."

Wisteria Lane - Nighttime

A cab pulls up in front of Bree's house. Bree gets out. She can barely walk straight. She drops her keys in the grass. She kneels down to pick them up.

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

Mrs. McCluskey is out for a morning walk and sees Bree lying face-down on the grass. She kneels next to her and tries to wake her.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Bree? Bree. You okay?"

Mrs. McCluskey gets a whiff of Bree's breath. She gets up and rings Bree's doorbell.

Andrew: "Yes?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "Hi. Uh, did you know your mother is asleep on the lawn?"

Andrew: "Oh, wow."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Yeah, well, you don't seem terribly shocked."

Andrew: "Oh, it's, um, it's just, mom drinks, and sometimes she sleeps it off in the weirdest places."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Can I help you with her?"

Andrew: "No. No, it's okay. I, uh, I know how to take care of her."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Well, good luck to you then."

Mrs. McCluskey walks away. Andrew turns on the sprinklers. Bree jumps up, shrieking.

Andrew smiles and walks back into the house. Bree grabs her wrap and runs inside.

Lynette's House - Daytime

Lynette is putting Penny in the playpen while the twins play a portable piano.

Porter: "I wanna play chopsticks."

Preston: "Me too."

Lynette: "You okay?"

The doorbell rings.

Lynette: "I'm coming!"

Mrs. McCluskey: "Hi."

Lynette: "Hi."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Your kids, they have any allergies I should know about?"

Lynette: "Uh, not that I know of. Why?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "'Cause I'm watching them. Tom called, said you both got pulled into work for the weekend, asked me to baby-sit."

Lynette: "Really?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "I thought it'd be nice if I gave 'em back to you alive."

Tom: "Oh, hey, Mrs. McCluskey." (to Lynette) "Sorry, I forgot to tell you."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Hi."

Lynette: "Oh, that's okay. Um, would you excuse me just for a second? I have, uh, a thing."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Sure."

Lynette: "Thanks." (to Tom) "Follow me. You're part of the thing."

They walk into the laundry room.

Lynette: "A million teenagers in this neighborhood and you hire McCluskey?"

Tom: "What's the big deal?"

Lynette: "Well, for starters, she's ancient!"

Tom: "Sh! This is a thin door!"

Lynette: "It was not that long ago that she keeled over in her front yard. A day with our kids will finish the job."

Tom: "It's only for a few hours. Plus, Parker's on a play date with the Farrells, so it's just the twins and Penny."

Lynette: "Just the twins and Penny?"

Tom: "Okay, that was stupid. Let me try that another way. We have to be at work in one hour. There's no day care on the weekends, so you cut McCluskey loose, we're stuck."

Lynette: "We will find someone. Someone who doesn't remember what they were doing the day Lincoln was shot."

Tom: "Fine. Let's go break the news."

They walk back into the living room. Tom keeps walking up the stairs.

Tom: "My wife has something to tell you."

Lynette: "So, here's the deal. Um, there was a little miscommunication and as it turns out, we don't need ya."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Okay. Fine. I'll just go back home."

Lynette: "Okay. Sorry."

Mrs. McCluskey: "By the way, your husband was right. It's a thin door."

Gabrielle's Driveway - Daytime

Gabrielle gets out of her car carrying many shopping bags. She looks up and sees Carlos standing in the window talking to a woman in a towel. She throws the packages down and runs into the house. There is a pitcher of wine and glasses set up in the living room. She runs upstairs.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, what are you doing?"

Lucia: "Hello, Gabriela."

Gabrielle: "Oh. Hi, mom."

Gabrielle's Living Room

Lucia: "I just told Carlos I just had to take a shower. The man next to me on the plane weighed three hundred pounds and he sweated all over me. Ugh, it was so gross."

Gabrielle: "No, I'm just surprised you're here. It's Valentine's Day. Don't you and Mr. Hedgefund have plans? I know Carlos and I do."

Lucia: "No, I left Charles."

Gabrielle: "What? He was worth, like, six million dollars."

Lucia: "Money is not everything, Gabriella."

Gabrielle: "For some people, but we're talking about you now, mother."

Lucia: "You know, I can't believe this, I mean, I just went through a terrible breakup and the least you could do is pretend to care."

Carlos: "Well, of course we feel awful about it, don't we, Gabrielle?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah, we're just sick about it."

Lucia: "Well, don't worry about me. Hmm hmm. I'll be okay. In fact, I bought myself a little gift to take my mind off my problems."

Gabrielle: "Really? What did you buy?"

Lucia stands up and pulls her robe open in front of Gabrielle.

Lucia: "New boobs!"

Gabrielle: "Whoa!"

Lucia: "No peeking, Carlos."

Gabrielle: "Okay, mom, put these away!"

Lucia: "My plastic surgeon gave me a great deal. Aren't they fun? Bye, Carlos."

Lucia goes upstairs. Carlos chuckles.

Carlos: "What? I think she's charming."

Gabrielle: "Okay, you can think she's charming. But don't forget for one second that she is a monster."

Susan's Kitchen - Daytime

Susan is scrubbing a ring with a very small brush.

Julie: "Did you get the gum out from under the diamond?"

Susan: "Mostly."

Dr. Ron comes downstairs.

Dr. Ron: "Morning."

Susan: " Hi! Happy Valentine's Day."

Susan drops the ring in a vase.

Julie: "Dr. Ron, did you spend the night?"

Dr. Ron: "Well, uh, yeah, I got kinda tired after the movie, so I asked?...;

Susan: "It's okay. She knows that you make house calls."

Dr. Ron: "Oh. Um, so listen, I've got surgery till six. I'll get dressed and I'll pick you up at about seven. We have reservations at Chez Naomi."

Susan: "Great! I'll have a light lunch."

Dr. Ron: "And also, Dr. Cunningham's schedule opened up, so if you'd like, we can move up your surgery to Wednesday."

Susan: "Oh, I have a wedding that day."

Dr. Ron: "On a Wednesday?"

Susan: "Yeah. Uh, Wednesdays are becoming very popular with brides. It's like the new Saturday."

Dr. Ron: "Oh. Okay. Well, I'll see ya tonight. Bye."

Dr. Ron leaves.

Susan: "Your mother is a rotten, sneaky person."

Susan fishes the ring out of the vase.

Julie: "Look, I'm not too crazy about this whole fake marriage thing, but if you don't have that operation, you could die. So don't be so hard on yourself. You are a good person."

Susan: "Thanks, hon. That really helps. Okay, now I want you to go over and slip this ring to your father. And just so you know, if Edie catches you, I'm expecting you to swallow it."

Bree's Kitchen - Daytime

Andrew gets the milk from the refrigerator as Bree walks in wearing her bathrobe.

Andrew: "How's the hangover?"

Bree: "I do not have a hangover, Andrew, because I was not drunk."

Andrew: "Then, uh, how about a little hair of the dog? It'll perk you right up."

He pulls out a bottle of wine.

Bree: "Look, for the record, I had an allergic reaction to my antihistamine medication, so I would appreciate just a little bit of sympathy."

Danielle: "Why can't you just drink alone in your room like Tammy's mom?"

Bree: "For god sakes, it was an honest mistake. I thought I could have just a little bit of wine with dinner, but, apparently, my body couldn't handle it. Fine! If it makes everybody happy, I will just suffer through my sneezing fits and my hives on my own."

She throws the pills into the sink.

Bree: "There. Is that better?"

Andrew: "So basically you would rather drink than to not have allergies?"

The doorbell rings. Bree opens the door.

Lynette: "Hi. Is now a bad time? I could really use a favor."

The twins and Penny in the stroller are standing in front of Lynette.

Paul's House - Daytime

Zach is staring at the wedding picture of his parents.

Paul: "She was beautiful, wasn't she?"

Zach: "Yeah."

Paul: "Come on, sit down. Your breakfast is getting cold."

Zach: "Was my real mother beautiful?"

Paul: "Well, she was, uh, attractive, as I recall."

Zach: "Do I look like her?"

Paul: "I don't know. I, I only met her once."

Zach: "Well, 'cause if I don't look like her, then I might look like my real dad."

Paul: "I'm getting real tired of your morbid fascination with two strangers who didn't love you enough to keep you. So, please, stop asking about them."

Zach: "It's only natural that I'd wanna talk about my birth parents."

Paul: "Well, it may be natural, but it certainly isn't polite."

Noah's Bedroom

Noah is lying in bed looking at the police photos of the bones found in the trunk.

Detective Sullivan: "And once your daughter was dead, they had to get rid of her somehow. That's where the toy chest came in. Flash forward fifteen years, the chest washes on the shore of Rockwater Lake. Any forensic evidence is long gone and the Youngs get away with murder. Now, of course, the wife, Mary Alice, is already dead, but Paul Young's a different matter. If you'd like me to deal with him, just say the word."

Noah: "Delfino's bringing my grandson here. I wanna get the kid something. You know anything about those MP3 things?"

Detective Sullivan: "Yeah, they're real nice. I'd go with that."

Noah: "Ah, he's probably got one already. Paul Young has had sixteen years to get my grandkid anything he wants. Do me a favor, will ya?"

Detective Sullivan: "Yeah."

Noah: "See to it that Paul Young has a toy chest of his very own."

Mrs. Tilman stands outside Noah's door, eavesdropping.

Edie's Living Room

Edie calls up the stairs to Karl, who's lying on the bed, watching TV.

Edie: "Karl!"

Karl: "Yeah?"

Edie: "This place is a freaking pigsty. Would you get down here and help me?"

Karl: "All right, hold on, it's almost halftime. By the way, I made dinner reservations at Chez Naomi tonight, if that's okay."

Edie: "It's gotta be better than that rathole you took me to New Year's. And don't even think of getting me carnations again. That crap might have flown for Mayer. I actually have taste. Come on! Move it!"

Edie begins straightening up Karl's briefcase and sees the engagement ring and the pre-nup agreement.

Karl: "All right, I'm coming."

Edie runs upstairs.

Edie: "No! No, no, no. Sit and watch the game. I was just giving you a hard time. You've had a tough week."

Bree's House - Daytime

The twins are banging on the portable piano. Bree comes into the room carrying Penny.

Bree: "Boys, can you just keep it down just a little bit? Because I have a very, uh, special type of grown-up headache."

Porter: "We need to see mommy and daddy. We wanna play 'em our song."

Bree: "Honey, you can't. They're at work."

Preston: "Well, can we play it for you?"

They begin banging on the piano. Bree grabs it from them.

Bree: "Sure. Just, just a moment, okay?"

Bree sits down on the couch with a glass of wine and still carrying Penny.

Bree: "Oh. All right, boys, let's have it."

The twins begin banging on the piano and Bree drinks her wine.

Doctor's Office

A doctor is talking with Gabrielle and Carlos.

Doctor: "When I heard that you two wanted to try for another child, I was delighted. But I had some cause for concern. Gabrielle, you suffered some extensive injuries during your fall last month and the test confirmed there are complications."

Gabrielle's Dining Room - Daytime

Gabrielle, her mother, and Carlos are sitting around the table eating as Xiao Mei serves food.

Lucia: "You can't have kids?"

Gabrielle: "Well, the doctor's not a hundred percent positive, but it's very, very iffy."

Lucia: "Carlos, I am so sorry. I know how much you wanted to be a dad."

Carlos: "Thanks."

Gabrielle: "Don't be so suicidal. We can always adopt."

Carlos: "I wanted to have a child of our own. You know that."

Gabrielle: "What does it matter whose D.N.A. it is? The diapers are still gonna smell the same regardless."

Carlos: "I'd just prefer not to adopt. Okay?"

Gabrielle: "Fine. What about surrogacy? I mean, I know it's pricey, but at least the baby would look like us, and I wouldn't get stretch marks. It's a win-win."

Carlos: "Great. So then we have some stranger off the street giving birth to our child. Is that what you really want?"

Gabrielle: "What I want is for you to lighten up. We don't have a lot of options and you're gonna have to pick one."

Lucia: "I, I have a thought. Mm? Well, it's, uh, a little bit controversial, but, uh, go with me. Well, first of all, let me tell you, that I am in the best shape of my life."

Gabrielle: "So?"

Lucia: "So, what if I was your surrogate? Yeah, I know. I know it might sound a little crazy, but I am the only one in the world that you can trust to put the baby's needs first. You know, I'll exercise more, I'll eat better?...;

Gabrielle: "Mother, no!"

Lucia: "Why?"

Gabrielle: "Off the top of my head, you're on Medicare?"

Lucia: "I am only fifty...one. You know and there's this woman in England last year. She was sixty-three years old and she gave birth to her own grandchild."

Gabrielle: "Look, I don't care if she shot triplets out of her ass. It's not gonna happen. Can you believe this?"

Carlos: "How'd that England baby turn out? I mean, it didn't have, like, a big head or anything, did it?"

Gabrielle: "Carlos, you are not seriously considering this."

Carlos: "Well, think about it, Gaby. This way, the surrogate wouldn't be some impersonal incubator. There'd be a family tie."

Gabrielle: "I have a migraine. I'm gonna go lay down upstairs. Then when I get up, I hope we can all talk about this like rational human beings."

Gabrielle goes upstairs. Gabrielle turns back and sees her mother patting Carlos' arm.

Lucia: "Carlos, don't worry. Just give her time. She'll come around."

Bree's Living Room - Daytime

Bree is passed out on the couch with Penny on her chest. One of the twins taps her trying to wake her up. He picks up Bree's arm and lets go. Her arm flops back down to her side.

Outside Bree's House - Daytime

The twins push Penny in the stroller down the street.

Bree's Living Room - Daytime

Bree wakes up.

Bree: "Boys? Boys?"

She searches the house.

Bree: "Okay, we're done playing hide-and-seek! Boys?"

Bree runs to the Scavo house and bangs on the locked door. She runs down the street yelling down the street.

Bree: "Porter! Preston! This isn't funny!"

Outside Mrs. McCluskey's House

Bree approaches Mrs. McCluskey as she rakes her yard.

Bree: "Mrs. McCluskey, hi. Have you seen the Scavo boys?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "No, can't say that I have. Why?"

Bree: "I have something to tell them."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Ah."

Bree rushes off.

Advertising Agency

Lynette: "Have they signed the contract? 'Cause if not, someone should call Bednark and tell them to adjust the language."

Lynette's cell phone rings.

Lynette: "I'm sorry. Hang on. Hello?"

Hairdresser: "Lynette Scavo?"

Lynette: "Yes."