Desperate Housewives - Episode 02.21 - I Know Things Now

Mike's Front Yard - Daytime

Private Investigator Oliver Weston is hiding in the bushes using some sort of listening device.

"The most successful private investigator in Fairview was a man named Oliver Weston. Try though he might, Oliver couldn't remember the exact moment he stopped believing in love."

Oliver pulls out a camera and begins taking pictures.

Flashback - Nighttime

Late a night, a man and woman start necking in a darkened car.

"Was it the night he caught an executive cheating with his secretary?"

Freeze frame - photo of the executive necking.

Flashback - Daytime

Delivery man approaches a young lady standing in her front doorway.

"Or was it the day he saw a housewife cheating with her delivery boy?"

Freeze frame - photo of the housewife grabbing/kissing the delivery boy.

Flashback

Young lady in bra and panties standing in front of a window. A man and women enter the picture as the girl removes her bra.

"Or was it the time he caught the girl next door cheating with the couple across the street?"

Freeze frame - on the threesome. Oliver is behind a tree taking the picture.

"Whenever the moment, Oliver Weston was now officially a cynic..."

Present

Oliver hiding in the bushes with the "listening ear."

"...who only believed in betrayal and suspicion."

Oliver is taking a picture of Karl and Susan in Susan's garage.

"Luckily for Oliver, that's what paid his bills."

Susan: "Okay. Stop that."

Oliver's camera is blocked. He focuses upward onto Mike's face.

Mike: "What are you doing?"

Oliver: "Oh, sorry man. Are these your bushes? I'll clean it all up when I'm done. I'll be like I was not here."

Mike grabs Oliver by the lapels and pulls him out of the bushes.

Mike: "You're done now!"

Oliver: "Oh easy, big fella. I'm just a P.I. doing a domestic surveillance job."

Mike: "For who?"

Oliver: "The blonde lady at the end of the street."

Mike: "Edie Britt?"

Oliver: "Yeah. That's her fiancé."

Mike looks toward Susan's house.

Oliver: "He dumped her for another woman. I just figured out who."

Mike: "Susan? There's nothing going on there. They used to be married. She's only talking to him because they had a kid together."

Oliver: "From what I heard, they're on their way to kid number two."

Mike: "You don't know what you're talking about."

Oliver: "And you don't know these soccer moms like I do. By day they bake cookies and carpool. Dim the lights and bam! They turn into total pigs!"

He squeals, imitating a pig.

Mike: "She's not like that."

Oliver: "Oh please. Look at her. That woman clearly knows her way around a mattress."

Mike punches Oliver, who falls down.

"Yes, Oliver Weston had become a cynic, which is why he couldn't recognize a man who was still in love."

Opening Credits

Wisteria Lane - Late Night

Outside the Applewhite house.

"Every family has a way of hiding what it doesn't want seen."

Panning to a painting on a wall.

"Whether it's with a picture that covers a stain on a wall."

Panning to a closet door.

"Or with a closet door that conceals the chaos inside."

Panning to a photograph of Betty, Matthew and Caleb all smiling.

"Or with artificial smiles that mask years of pain and heartache."

Panning to another photograph of the three, again smiling.

"Every family goes to great lengths to hide ugly truths."

Betty opens a desk drawer to reveal a medication bottle which she picks up.

"Some, of course, go further than others."

Betty's House

Betty takes a pint of ice cream out of the freezer. She scoops out the ice cream into a bowl.

Matthew: "So, are you going to do this tonight?"

Betty: "No, the ice cream is for tomorrow. I'm taking Caleb on a picnic to Rottwater Lake. I'm preparing all of his favorite foods."

Matthew: "So, when you're done, you're just gonna leave him lying there?"

Betty pours the phenobarbital into the bowl of ice cream.

Betty: "No. I'll call nine-one-one anonymously. But I will be watching from a distance to make sure that they pick up his body."

Matthew: "You know, mom, you don't have to do this."

Betty: "I won't let him hurt another girl and I will not turn him over to people who will mock and abuse him. I just won't."

Betty begins scooping the ice cream back into the pint container. She covers the container.

Betty: "His last day on this earth is going to be a perfect one."

Gabrielle's House

Xiao-Mei is crying while scooping some casserole onto a plate. She offers it to Gabrielle. Bree, Lynette, Susan and Edie are standing around the kitchen counter that's covered with dishes of food.

Gabrielle: "Oh, no thanks, Xiao-Mei. Poor thing, she was so attached to Lily."

Susan: "Where did all this food come from?"

Gabrielle: "The people from Carlos' church."

Lynette: "So you think you and Carlos will try for another adoption?"

Gabrielle: "I don't think I could go through that pain again. I did freeze some of my eggs so we might do the surrogacy thing, but I don't know."

Bree: "Honey, you've got to eat something."

Gabrielle: "I don't have an appetite. If fact, this is all going to go to waste. You guys should take something."

Lynette: "No, no, you should keep it."

Edie: "I'll take a couple."

The other three ladies look at her.

Edie: "What? Karl dumped me, so I'm alone. Food fills the void."

Xiao-Mei is standing behind them reading a letter. She begins to cry.

Gabrielle: "Xiao-Mei, I appreciate your grief, but really, you're bringing everybody down. Would you pull it together?"

Xiao-Mei: "Mrs. Solis?"

She hands Gabrielle the letter, which Gabrielle reads.

Gabrielle: "I don't understand. It's from the government."

Lynette takes the letter.

Lynette: "Gaby, she's being deported. Xiao-Mei, is this the first letter like this you've received?"

Xiao-Mei walks over the a drawer and opens it. She pulls out a large stack of letters. Everyone gasps as she hands them to Gaby.

Gabrielle: "Oh my god, this can't be happening."

Xiao-Mei: "I can't go home. My uncle will sell me again."

Gabrielle: "Oh no, no Xiao-Mei, you're not going anywhere. You're much too important to Carlos and me. We're gonna fight this and we're gonna win!"

Bree: "Gaby, you can't promise her that!"

Gabrielle: "Bree, you heard what she said. I can't let this poor kid go back to China and become someone's slave!"

Xiao-Mei: "Thank you."

Xiao-Mei leans in for a hug. Gabrielle hugs her, pats her back, then pushes her gently away.

Gabrielle: "All right, look my friends want to take some of this to go, so pack it up and we're a little low on coffee."

Lynette's House - Nighttime

Lynette uncovers the macaroni and cheese platter from Gabrielle's house. She spoons some onto Tom's plate.

Tom: "You're actually going to let me eat this?"

Lynette: "Honey, you've been working so hard. Off on business trips all the time. Tonight we throw caution and cholesterol to the wind. You deserve a little comfort food."

Lynette kisses the top of Tom's head.

Tom: "Oh, no, you're pregnant?"

Lynette: "God! Your mind goes to dark places."

Tom: "Honey, you just served me a plate of whole fat Gouda. What's up?"

Lynette: "Okay. Well, remember I was helping Ed spark up his love life?"

Tom: "Yeah, you sent his wife those sexy IMs. Why?"

Lynette: "Well, Fran found out that Ed didn't send them and she blew her top. She wants the responsible party fired. And Ed lied and told her that you sent them."

Tom: "But it wasn't me, it was you."

Lynette: "I know."

Tom: "Oh, oh! But Ed couldn't possibly lose you! No, no, no, I'm the expendable one!"

Lynette: "Look, I know it's ridiculous, but Ed is not a rational person. Fran has him whipped and a whipped husband is someone we must take very seriously."

Tom: "Okay, how do we handle this?"

Lynette: "You're under contract. Ed can't fire you unless he has just cause. So until this blows over, you have to be a model employee. Show up on time, no more three martini lunches, and above all, have ready all of your presentations."

Tom: "I can't believe I'm being victimized like this."

Lynette: "Well, honey, in all fairness, those are all things you should be doing anyway."

Tom: "Fine!"

Tom walks away. He comes back, grabs his plate and the bottle of wine and stomps out.

Bree's House

Bree is serving dinner.

Bree: "Andrew, I am having Peter over for dinner tomorrow night and I was wondering if you would like to invite Justin?"

Andrew: "Yeah. Thanks. I'll call him tonight."

Danielle: "Since you two are having your boyfriends over, can I invite Matthew?"

Bree: "Out of the question."

Danielle: "So, let me get this straight. You can date a lush and he can bring over his gay lover, but god forbid I date a hot black guy."

Bree: "Until they lock Caleb up, I don't want you anywhere near that family."

Andrew: "His brother tried to rape you, and his mother keeps the guy locked up in her basement. I mean, let's face it Danielle, even you could do better."

Danielle: "Since when do you take Mom's side over mine?"

Bree: "Your brother and I had a talk and we've come to a detente of sorts."

Danielle: "Really? Even after she screwed you out of your trust fund?"

Bree: "Well, he did falsely accuse me of child abuse. I would say we're even, wouldn't you, Andrew?"

Andrew: "Sure, Mom. We're even."

Bree leaves the room. Andrew laughs quietly.

Danielle: "You can stop smiling now, I know your face is tired."

Andrew: "What?"

Danielle: "I'm not stupid. I know you hate her now as much as ever."

Andrew: "Mom and I are in a good place right now. Why can't you believe that?"

Mike's House

Susan is at his door.

Susan: "Hi. I got your message. What's up?"

Mike: "Come on in. This is Oliver Weston. He's a P.I. Edie hired him."

Susan: "Edie hired a P.I.?"

Mike: "Yeah. He's been spying on you and Karl."

Oliver: "How you doing?"

Mike: "He thinks you two have been having an affair."

Susan: "Me and Karl? Why would you think that?"

Oliver pushes the play's button on a tape recorder.

Karl (on the tape): "Come on, Suse, you know we're meant to be together."

Susan (on the tape): "Karl, just stop."

Susan: "Well, that is Karl being nostalgic."

Karl (on the tape): "You said yourself: the sex last week was the best you ever had."

Oliver pushes the top button.

Susan: "Okay, um, first of all, it was not the best sex I ever had. I just said that to make him feel better." (whispering) "Obviously you were the best sex I ever had."

Oliver: "That explains the punch in the face."

Mike: "I'm gonna hit you again if you don't shut up!"

Susan: "I know this sounds bad."

Mike: "You were actually fooling around with Karl behind Edie's back?"

Susan: "No, no, no, no. Karl lied to me. He told me that he and Edie had split up before..."

Mike: "You know what? I don't even care."

Susan: "Mike."

Mike opens his front door.

Oliver: "Are we done here?"

Mike: "Yeah!"

Oliver leaves.

Mike: "Goodnight, Susan."

Susan leaves and runs after Oliver.

Susan: "Hey, hey you, wait, wait, wait! You cannot tell Edie about this. Whatever she is paying you, I'll pay you double!"

Oliver: "She paid a two grand retainer, plus expenses."

Susan: "Two thousand dollars? Jeez! I gotta get into real estate. Okay, I, I don't have that kinda cash."

Oliver: "Well, then I guess I take the tape to Ms. Britt."

Susan grabs the tape out of Oliver's hand and runs.

Oliver: "I have a copy!"

Susan walks back and hands the tape to Oliver. Mike is looking out his window.

Susan: "Okay, let's try this another way. You are about to unleash a nuclear explosion. Lives are going to be ruined."

Oliver: "I'll tell you what. I'll hold off 'til Monday to report to Ms. Britt."

Susan: "Yes!"

Oliver: "Give you some time to gather a little cash."

Susan: "What if I can't?"

Oliver makes an explosion noise.

U.S. Department of Homeland Security

Carlos and Gabrielle are in the office of a government official.

Officer: "I'm sorry but Xiao-Mei missed all of her appeal deadlines."

Carlos: "So, that's it? You're just going to send her back to China?"

Officer: "My hands are tied. If your maid were married to an American citizen or have a child who is an American citizen or if she were a well-known entertainer."

Gabrielle: "Uh, what if she was pregnant with an American citizen?"

Carlos and Gabrielle look at each other.

Gabrielle's House

Xiao-Mei is doing her housework when Gabrielle and Carlos walk in.

Gabrielle: "Ah, Xiao-Mei. We spoke to Homeland Security and we have good news."

Xiao-Mei: "I can stay?"

Gabrielle: "Mmm hmm."

Xiao-Mei: "Oh, thank you!"

She grabs Gabrielle and hugs her.

Gabrielle: "Ah, okay."

Xiao-Mei: "Thank you!"

Gabrielle: "Well, there's just one little thing. Um, the immigration laws have gotten really tough in this country, so we're behind the eight ball going in. But we plead your case and we fought tooth and nail and the law says you can stay, but only if you have our baby."

Xiao-Mei: "What?"

Carlos: "The agency said that if you were pregnant with an American citizen, then they couldn't deport you."

Gabrielle: "So we thought you need a baby in your belly! We need a surrogate! Win! Win! Win!"

Xiao-Mei: "Sur-ro-git?"

Gabrielle: "Oh well, it would be our baby, it would just be growing inside of you."

Xiao-Mei looks confused.

Gabrielle: "Okay, uh, well. Oh, okay, it's like this. The three of us are making your famous Sichuan dumplings. And I'm the dough and Carlos is the pork and you're the oven!"

Xiao-Mei: "I have baby?"

Carlos: "Okay, we take care of everything. You know uh, hospital bills and maternity clothes and Lamaze classes. And of course, you wouldn't have to do any work!"

Gabrielle: "Well, uh, maybe just a little light dusting, nothing major."

Xiao-Mei: "No!"

Gabrielle: "Xiao-Mei, you don't have a choice. It's either this or go back to China."

Xiao-Mei: "No to baby! No!"

She runs out of the room, crying.

Carlos: "You had to push the dusting, didn't you?"

Bree's House

Bree is preparing hors serves while talking on the phone.

Bree: "Peter, I don't think I'm being unreasonable here."

Peter: "It's not like I'm gonna advertise my addiction history, but if your kids ask a direct question, I'm not gonna lie to them."

Andrew walks in.

Bree: "Right! Uh-huh. Good point."

Andrew leaves the room.

Bree: "Listen, I don't expect you to lie about the alcoholism. I mean, they know that's how we met. It's just, you know, the other thing."

Peter: "Oh! The other thing."

Bree: "They're just getting to know you and so I want them to focus on your good qualities. I just don't know how they'll react if they find out that you're a sex addict."

In the other room, Andrew is listening in on the extension. He smiles.

Outside Bree's House

Andrew is sitting on the steps. Danielle comes home.

Danielle: "What are you so happy about?"

Andrew: "You know how you were mad at mom about not letting Matthew come to dinner?"

Danielle: "Yeah."

Andrew: "I just figured out the funniest way for you to get back at her."

Parcher & Murphy Conference Room

Ed: "Okay, what's on the schedule for today?"

Tom: "I have got the Boston Toy presentation ready to go."

Ed: "Actually, I don't have time for a full pitch, so just give me the gist."

Tom: "Excuse me?"

Ed: "You know, boil it down. Give me one line."

Tom: "Okay, basically, it's 'toys are fun.'"

Ed: "I hate it."

Tom: "How can you hate it? I only gave you three words."

Ed: "It's three words I hate. Okay, I'm gonna take over the Boston Toy Company account."

Tom: "No, you cannot take over?...;

Ed: "In the meantime, you should all be aware I don't like the way you people have been filing your expense reports. There's been a lot of padding. Meanwhile, this company is hemorrhaging money. I'm gonna put a stop to it, so I have hired a forensic accountant. He's gonna go through them, make sure everything's kosher. And I find one receipt, one bar tab that's fishy, it's grounds for dismissal. Oh, Scavo? He's gonna start with you."

Lynette's Office

Lynette: "I can't believe that son of a bitch hired a forensic accountant. He's more whipped than I thought. Well, he's tragically underestimated us. The gloves are coming off."

Tom: "You know, maybe I should just quit."

Lynette: "What? Yesterday you were up in arms. Now, now you're ready to cave?"

Tom: "If Ed is determined to get me, sooner or later, he's gonna get me. It's just a matter of time."

Lynette: "No, no! We are not backing down. I'm gonna walk over to Ed's office right now, and I'm gonna make very clear that if you're out the door, I'm right behind ya."

Tom: "We can't both be unemployed."

Lynette: "Oh, it'll never happen. He knows this place will go down like a house of cards without me."

Tom: "Honey, wait. Just wait!"

Lynette: "What, what?"

Tom: "I'm not gonna hide behind my wife's skirt."

Lynette: "We're a team. I'm just lending support."

Tom: "That's not the way it's gonna look to everybody else out there. Look, let me talk to him, man to man. If my way doesn't work, then we'll do it your way."

Lynette: "Okay, go get him."

Tom walks into Ed's office as Lynette watches. Ed gets out from behind his desk and talks with Tom. Tom punches Ed and knocks him down.

Lynette: "Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Tom, what happened?"

Tom: "I think I gave him just cause."

Susan's House

Susan is getting some stationary out.

"Susan knew she couldn't afford to keep the P.I. from revealing her affair with Karl and since Edie would learn the truth anyway, Susan felt it would be better if it came from her."

Susan begins writing 'Dear Edie' on the paper.

"Which is how she came to write a letter begging Edie for forgiveness."

Susan walks to a mailbox.

"Her words were so sincere and heartfelt, from the moment she mailed it, Susan knew..."

Susan throws the letter addressed to Edie into the mailbox. A horn honks and Edie waves as she drives by.

"...she was a dead woman."

Rottwater Lake - Daytime

Betty and Caleb are on a picnic by the lake. Caleb is eating from the pint of ice cream Betty packed.

Betty: "You know, Caleb, since the day you were born, I've always thought of you as a blessing. You do know that, right?"

Caleb: "I guess. How come Matty's not here?"

Betty: "Because this is our special day, just you and me."

Caleb: "Is he mad at me? 'Cause of Danielle?"

Betty: "No. He knows that you didn't mean to scare her."

Caleb: "'Cause he said it was okay for me to kiss her."

Betty: "What did you say?"

Caleb: "He said Danielle liked me and that she wouldn't fight me if I gave her a kiss."

Betty stops Caleb from eating the ice cream.

Betty: "Your brother told you that?"

Caleb: "Matty said that she was waiting for me and that she wanted a really big kiss."