Desperate Housewives - Episode 02.11 - One More Kiss

Bree's House - Nighttime

Bree is hosting a dinner party. As Bree checks the table with food on it, a couple in the background are kissing.

"Kisses are such simple things, we hardly notice them."

Bree walks around her home, ensuring her guests are all having a good time.

"But if we paid more attention, we'd see that each kiss conveys a meaning all its own. For example, some can say, I'm so happy to see you...;

Bree kisses the cheeks of newly arriving guests.

"Or, I didn't realize you'd be here...;

Two women guests air kiss each other, then wave goodbye.

Female Guest #1: "Bye."

"Or Honey, it's time to stop drinking...;

Two male guests drink and laughing. A wife approaches one of the men and casually removes the drink from his hand, then leans in to kiss him.

"The trick is in knowing how to tell the difference."

In the kitchen, Gabrielle, Edie, Bree, Tom, and Karl are standing around the counter talking and laughing.

Gabrielle: "So, I finally said, if I'm head cheerleader, then nobody wears panties."

Tom: "Yeah! I just want you to know as a former member of my high school marching band, I would've appreciated that."

Edie: "Wait a second, you were a band geek? Oh, I don't believe it."

Lynette joins them and stands next to Tom.

Gabrielle: "What did you play?"

Lynette: "He played the tuba. I have pictures."

Gabrielle: "The tuba, huh?"

Tom: "Yeah, go ahead, come on, come on, get your licks in, go ahead."

Gabrielle: "No, no, not at all. As a matter of fact, all of my secret crushes were on the band geeks."

Tom: "Come on, I know you cheerleader types. You wouldn't have said "boo" to guys like me. No, you were more interested in the guys like, like this."

He points to Karl.

Tom: "Now, I take it you didn't play the tuba."

Karl: "No, I didn't."

Tom: "All I know is, I was a lonely, insecure tuba player. Girls like Gabrielle would just rip my heart out."

Edie: "Aw."

Tom: "I didn't even had my first kiss until I was eighteen."

Karl: "Eighteen?"

Tom: "Pathetic, I know."

Gabrielle: "Poor baby. I would've kissed you."

Tom: "No, you wouldn't have."

Gabrielle: "Yes, I would have."

Tom: "No, you wouldn't have. And it's okay, Gaby. Those scars healed a long time ago."

Gabrielle: "Oh, for god sakes, come here. Now on behalf of all the cheerleaders in the world, forgive us."

Gabrielle holds Tom's face in her hands and gives Tom a long kiss. Karl applauds and Edie cheers.

"Yes, kisses mean different things to different people."

Gabrielle lets go of Tom and he falls off his chair. The crowd laughs and cheers.

"Ultimately, the meaning depends on the one who does the kissing..."

Lynette looks on, silent. The crowd continues to cheer.

Karl: "Wowie."

Edie: "Cheers."

"And the who sees it happen."

Opening Credits

Bree's House - Nighttime

Bree says goodbye to the last of her guests.

"After every party comes the time for cleaning. We attend to the champagne that was spilled..."

Bree sees a glass of champagne tipped over onto her table. She wipes it up quickly.

"...the knickknacks that got broken..."

Edie sweeps up a broken vase on the floor.

"...the food that went uneaten..."

Lynette cleans up the dining room table and carries some trays into the kitchen where Gabrielle is washing dishes.

Gabrielle: "Oh, here, let me take that."

"...and whatever other messes need cleaning up."

Lynette: "So, uh, Gaby, you know that thing you and Tom did tonight? The, the kiss?"

Gabrielle: "Was that hysterical? The look on Tom's face!"

Lynette: "Yeah. I know this sounds silly, but, it kind of bugged me."

Gabrielle: "You're not serious."

Lynette: "Yeah, I am. I don't, I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but, uh, could you maybe not do that again?"

Gabrielle: "Okay."

Lynette: "Thanks. Okay."

Lynette pats Gabrielle's arm. Susan, Edie and Bree enter the kitchen.

Susan: "Hey, what happened to the Applewhites? I thought you were gonna invite them."

Bree: "I did. Betty never R.S.V.P.'d."

Edie: "What do you guys think about the Applewhites?"

Susan: "I like 'em, very nice. Very..."

Bree: "Interesting."

Susan: "Right, interesting."

Edie: "Hmm, they weird me out, too."

Susan: "Well, that's not what we're saying."

Bree: "Not exactly, anyway."

Gabrielle suddenly turns to Lynette standing next to her.

Gabrielle: "You know, we were just having fun, entertaining the crowd."

Lynette: "Oh, sure, but maybe next time you could try juggling instead."

Edie: "What's going on?"

Gabrielle: "Nothing."

Edie: "Really? I sense a little tension."

Lynette: "No, no tension." (to Gabrielle) "What?"

Gabrielle: "You make it sound like I was making a pass at your husband. And that's just a little bit insulting."

Lynette: "I just said it bugged me. Why is that a problem?"

Edie: "Is this about that kiss?"

Susan: "What kiss?"

Edie: "Oh, you were in the living room. Gaby planted a big, wet kiss on Tom as a joke. It was hilarious."

Gabrielle: "You see?"

Bree: "Yeah, but to be fair to Lynette, you are an ex-model. And surely it must have dawned on you that some women might prefer it if you didn't kiss their husbands."

Lynette: "That's all I'm saying."

Susan: "Oh, you guys, we're all friends. This isn't something to get worked up over."

Gabrielle: "I'm not worked up."

Lynette: "Me neither."

Edie: "Hey, everyone, did you see what Kathy Lewis was wearing tonight? And whoever told her that she could get away with those vertical stripes should be shot."

Outside Bree's House - Nighttime

Bree kisses Susan goodbye.

Bree: "Oh. Bye, sweetie."

Susan begins walking home. She looks over at Paul's house and sees Zach putting the trash out. Zach waves and Susan waves back. Susan runs over to Mike's house and knocks on the door. Mike answers.

Susan: "Zach is back!"

Mike: "Yeah, yeah, I know."

Susan: "You do?"

Mike: "Yeah, he's been back for a couple of days now."

Susan: "Well, that's great, isn't it?"

Mike: "Yeah."

Susan: "I thought you'd be happy about it. I thought that's what you wanted."

Mike: "I was hoping that I'd slowly establish a relationship with Zach and then when we were comfortable, I'd tell him I was his real dad. But now Paul's back."

Susan: "And he doesn't want you anywhere near him."

Mike: "He's threatened to tell the police everything that happened in the desert, that I held a gun to his head."

Susan: "Well, it's your word against his."

Mike: "But he doesn't have a record and I do."

Susan: "You know, despite what I did, sending Zach away, I want you two to connect. I hope you know that."

Mike: "I do. And on the bright side, I don't have to wonder where he is anymore."

Paul's House - Nighttime

Paul is reading some paperwork with a bunch of books on the counter in front of him. Zach is putting a new trash bag into the trash can.

Paul: "It says that you can do a report on anything from the suggested reading list, which includes The Old Man and The Sea, The Pearl, Much Ado About Nothing. Hmm. That sounds good. What do you like?"

Zach: "I don't care."

Paul: "Let's start with The Pearl. It's got a sad ending, but it's good. We'll start with that. You know, it's not gonna be so bad. I think you're really gonna like being home schooled. Okay, I know this isn't what you want. But I need to keep you close to me just for a while. There are people in this neighborhood who aren't thrilled that we're back. People I don't trust."

Zach: "People like Mike Delfino?"

Paul: "Why would you say that?"

Zach: "When you disappeared, Mrs. Tilman said that Mike took you somewhere to kill you."

Paul: "That's ridiculous. Why would Mike wanna kill me?"

Zach: "Because you murdered Mrs. Huber?"

Paul: "What did you say?"

Zach: "Well, Mrs. Tilman said that you murdered Mrs. Huber because she was blackmailing mom."

Paul: "And you believed her?"

Zach: "No, not exactly. I mean, why? Should I?"

Paul: "Zach, you know me better than anyone. Do you honestly believe that I am capable of murder?"

Zach: "No."

Paul: "All right, then."

Zach: "Of course, I didn't think mom was capable of suicide, either."

Paul: "On second thought, why don't we start with Much Ado About Nothing? I think we could use a few laughs around here."

Bree's Front Yard - Nighttime

Andrew is saying goodnight to Justin while Bree watches out the window.

Andrew: "Yeah, man, yeah, he sure is. I just, probably."

Justin: "Yeah."

Andrew kisses Justin passionately. Bree snaps the glass she is holding.

Bree's House

Bree is on the couch. She pours herself a large glass of wine and drinks. Andrew walks in.

Andrew: "Hey."

Bree: "Get over here. Now."

Andrew: "Somebody's angry. Did one of your soufflés fall?"

Bree: "I saw what you did with your friend."

Andrew: "Oh, and you didn't turn into a pillar of salt. Good for you."

Bree: "This is not a joke, Andrew. What if the neighbors had seen you?"

Andrew: "Well, I'd hope they'd think that I'd landed a hottie."

Bree: "I may not be able to control what you do outside of this home, but while you are under this roof, you will not mock my values. If you so much as smile at that boy, so help me, I will ship you off to Camp Hennessey and I will not pick you up again until you are eighteen. Do I make myself clear?"

Bree starts walking up stairs. Andrew holds up the wine bottle.

Andrew: "Aren't you forgetting something? I know you like to knock a few back before bedtime. Go on, take it. It's okay. We both know that of the two of us, I'm the one that doesn't judge."

Betty's Basement

Matthew places a tray outside of Caleb's locked room. He begins closing the door to lock Caleb in.

Caleb: "Please. I don't wanna stay down here."

Matthew: "I, I know. I'm sorry, K. I'm sorry."

Matthew closes and locks the door. Betty comes downstairs.

Betty: "Matthew, I think we might have termites. You need to take a look at those steps before one of us breaks our neck. What's the matter? Is your brother okay?"

Matthew: "No, he's not. He hates it down here. He wants to be with us. You're being cruel."

Betty: "If you are so concerned about him, you should spend less time on your computer and more time down here keeping him company."

Caleb listens through the door.

Betty: "We're bringing him up, but not until I am sure that it's safe."

Outside Betty's House - Daytime

A car is parked with the radio playing loudly. Monroe sits inside and uses his inhaler. He picks up a clipboard and looks at it.

Edie jogs by. She slows down, then knocks on the car window.

Edie: "Hey, you!"

Monroe: "Yeah?"

Edie: "What's the deal? You've been parked on our street for two hours."

Monroe: "Oh, I'm doing a property appraisal. Some neighbors of yours are thinking about moving."

Edie: "The Applewhites?"

Monroe: "I'm not really allowed to say."

Edie: "I sold them that house. You know, this is my turf! Who do you work for? Geist Realty? Ah, Westside Properties. Yeah, well, whoever it is, you go back and you tell your bosses that nobody and I mean, nobody, buys or sells properties in this neighborhood without going through Edie Britt, you got that?"

Monroe: "Look, lady I just go where I'm told."

Edie: "You look, you cross me, and I will be your worst nightmare. I'm a dangerous woman. You don't wanna mess with me."

Monroe: "You got it."

Edie jogs away. Monroe picks up the newspaper on the seat next to him. Under the paper is an automatic.

Outside Susan's House - Daytime

Julie and Susan are getting out the her car as Zach approaches.

Zach: "Ms. Mayer."

Susan: "Zach."

Zach: "May I talk to you? I have some things that I need to say."

Susan: "Okay."

Zach: "I, I know that I did a lot of bad stuff, stuff that I'm not gonna be able to take back. Ms. Mayer, I'm, I'm really sorry. But when I was living on the streets, you know, I had a lot of time to, to just sit and think to myself and clear my head and, I've grown up, you know? I don't want you to worry. I'm not gonna be bothering you anymore. Either of you."

Susan: "Well, thanks. We appreciate that."

Zach: "Please don't tell my dad that I talked to you. He's just, he's been really intense lately."

Zach walks away.

Susan: "Well, what do you think?"

Julie: "He seems different. I believe him."

Susan: "Yeah, I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I feel sorry for him. It's like he's so fragile."

Julie: "I know, and he's locked in that house with Mr. Creepy twenty-four seven. Did you know that he's home schooling Zach now?"

Susan: "I think he should spend some time with a decent role model, don't you?"

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

Lynette and Bree drive up to each other from opposite directions. They stop in the middle of the street to talk.

Bree: "Hi!"

Lynette: "Hey, you're out early."

Bree: "Oh, I just wanted to pick up some fresh croissants for breakfast."

Lynette: "Oh, cool. Listen, I just wanted you to know I appreciated you backing me up last night, you know, with the kiss thing."

Bree: "To be honest, I don't think I would've liked it, either."

Lynette: "Yeah, but I probably should've just gone with it. Gaby was just being Gaby, having fun."

Bree: "No, I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, given her history."

Lynette: "What do you mean?"

Bree: "You know, the affair."

Lynette: "Gaby had an affair?"

Bree: "You didn't know?"

Lynette: "No!"

Bree: "I thought everybody knew. Oh, I feel awful."

Ida Greenberg pulls up behind Lynette's car.

Bree: "Oh, Ida Greenberg's behind you."

Lynette (calling out to Ida): "Ida, just a second." (to Bree) "I am stunned. Who was it with?"

Bree: "I shouldn't have said anything."

Lynette: "Bree, come on, just tell me."

Ida honks.

Bree: "Her gardener."

Lynette looks into Gabrielle's yard. An overweight gardener with his shirt off is trimming the hedge.

Lynette: "Oh, you're kidding!"

Bree: "No, no, not him. Helen Rowland's son, John."

Lynette: "The teenager?"

Ida honks again.

Lynette (to Ida): "Ida, wait, or go around!" (to Bree) "Does Gaby know that you know?"

Bree: "Absolutely not. I think the best thing to do is just smile and pretend you don't know anything."

Ida backs up and passes Lynette on the right, going onto the curb. Ida stares angrily at Lynette as she passes.

Mike's Driveway - Daytime

Mike is under his car working on it. Susan and Julie approach. Susan peeks underneath the car.

Susan: "Hi."

A startled Mike hits his head on the bottom of the car.

Susan: "Oh, sorry!"

Julie: "Are you okay?"

Mike rolls out from beneath the car.

Mike: "Yeah. I'm all right. What's up?"

Susan: "We have an idea how to bring you and Zach together. Bowling."

Mike: "Bowling."

Julie: "Yeah, I e-mailed Zach, and he said he's gonna meet us there. You can come, too."

Mike: "Does Paul know about this?"

Susan: "No, and we're not planning on telling him."

Mike: "I don't think that's a good idea, Susan."

Susan: "Mike, I'm part of the reason things got so screwed up. I just want a chance to make things right."

Mike: "And you're okay with this, being around Zach?"

Julie: "We talked to him. He's changed."

Mike: "Well, I guess we're going bowling."

Bree's House

Bree is carrying a breakfast tray to Andrew's room.

Bree: "Wake up, sleepyhead. I brought fresh croissants for breakfast!"

Bree enters and finds Andrew and Justin in bed, naked, sleeping. Bree gasps. Justin sits up.

Justin: "Uh, hi, Mrs. Van de Kamp. I'm Justin, Andrew's lab partner, from school. Dude, wake up."

Bree: "Andrew, I want you downstairs. Now."

Bree leaves the room. Andrew smiles. Downstairs, Bree is pacing. Andrew comes down.

Bree: "Okay, first of all, I want you to march back upstairs and tell your friend he is no longer welcome in this house."

Andrew: "But we haven't even had breakfast yet!"

Bree: "I am serious, Andrew. You tell him to get out of here this second or I will call the police, and I will have him removed!"

Andrew: "Well, go ahead, call 'em."

Bree: "Oh, you think I won't?"

Andrew: "I just wonder how they'll react when they find out that you killed George Williams."

Bree: "I didn't kill George."

Andrew: "Well, no, but you sat there and let him die, which, I'm no lawyer, but I'm pretty sure there's a crime in there somewhere."

Bree: "Andrew..."

Andrew: "Don't get me wrong. I mean, I'm glad you did it. But when the cops get here, my official position will be, uh, "oh, my god, I'm being raised by a homicidal maniac." I think I might even throw in a few tears."

Bree: "You would actually let the police arrest your own mother?"

Andrew: "Hey, we all gotta cut the apron strings at some point."

Andrew goes back upstairs, leaving a shocked Bree.

Lynette's Driveway - Daytime

Tom takes Penny out of the car. Gabrielle is jogging down the road. Tom tries to carry the packages, as well as Penny.

Tom: "Come on, Penny. Let's get those groceries in there. Come on. Here we go. Get this one, and this one, and daddy, uh-oh!"

He drops a bag.

Tom: "Whoa!"

Gabrielle stops to help. Penny begins to cry.

Gabrielle: "Oh! Oh, it looks like you could use a hand."

Tom: "Bless you. Here, Gaby. And Penny!"

Tom hands Penny to Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: "Oh, come here, you sweet little thing."

Tom: "Well, thank you so much, Gaby. Come on in."

Lynette's House - Daytime

They enter the house.

Gabrielle: "Oh, god, um, Tom?"

Tom: "Yeah?"

Gabrielle: "Uh, I think she got sick."

Tom: "Oh, I'm so sorry. Usually, she only throws upon immediate family."

Gabrielle: "I'm honored."

Tom's phone rings.

Tom: "Oh, um, do you mind just putting her in the playpen there? Hello."

Lynette (on the phone): "Guess what? Ed loved the pitch. I got off early!"

Tom: "You're kidding! That's great!"

Lynette: "Hey, I'm right by the supermarket. You want me to pick up anything?"

Tom: "Um, actually, I just came from there. Except, you know what? I forgot bread. Would you mind?"

Lynette: "Not at all."

Gabrielle: "Tom, I need to wipe up. Do you have a towel?"

Tom: "Sure, hold on."

Lynette hears Gabrielle.

Lynette's Driveway - Daytime

Lynette car speeds into her driveway and stops quickly. Lynette hurries out of the car and into the house. She finds Gabrielle and Tom wiping off Gabrielle's sweat shirt which she had removed.

Lynette: "Hey!"

Tom: "Hey, honey. Hey, did you get the bread?"

Lynette: "Oh, yeah, they were out."

Tom: "Of bread?"

Lynette: "Yeah. Hey, Gaby. A surprise seeing you here."

Gabrielle: "Well, I saw that Tom was overwhelmed, so I thought I'd give him a hand."

Lynette: "Really? Well, that was nice of you."

Gabrielle: "Is there a problem?"

Lynette: "No."

Gabrielle: "Really? Because I sense that you're annoyed you found me here when you weren't home. Am I wrong?"

Tom: "Lynette?"

Lynette: "Okay. Yeah. So exactly what are you doing here helping out?"

Gabrielle: "Damn it, Lynette, if this has to do with that stupid kiss the other night, I'm gonna lose it!"

Tom: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on?"

Gabrielle: "Lynette thinks I was hitting on you at Bree's party."

Tom: "That's ridiculous."

Lynette: "I never said that. What I said was it made me uncomfortable when you kissed him. It's obviously an issue for me. And yet, here you are, alone in my kitchen with my husband. So you tell me, are you hitting on him?"

Tom: "Lynette."

Gabrielle: "I can't believe you. I have done nothing to deserve this kind of mistrust."