Desperate Housewives - Episode 02.12 - We're Gonna Be All Right

Restaurant Bar

Jim is sitting at the bar having a drink

"Jim Halverson was aware that he had little to offer a woman. He was neither rich, nor smart, nor handsome."

Susan taps Jim on the shoulder.

Susan: "Are you Jim? I'm Susan Mayer."

Jim: "Oh!"

"So when his friends set him up on a blind date with a beautiful stranger;

Jim: "Wow! You're so much hotter than Vicky said you would be. How old are ya?"

Susan: "How old do you think I am?"

"Jim made the tragic decision to try to be funny."

Jim: "Not a day over fifty."

Susan: "Why don't we get our table?"

As Susan walks into the restaurant, Jim tries to explain his humor.

Jim: "Well, that was funny because you're so obviously not fifty, so that's why I said fifty, it's absurd."

Restaurant - Interior

Jim and Susan are sitting at a table as the waiter pours wine.

"Jim did everything he could to get Susan Mayer to laugh. He tried racial humor."

Jim: "So guess what time Chinese people go to the dentist? Two thirty! Get it? Tooth hurty. Two thirty."

Jim laughs, Susan nods politely.

Jim: "I love that."

"He tried to be engaging risqué."

Jim: "Rectum卍amn near killed him!"

Susan stares at him.

Jim: "Ah, you know what a rectum is, right?"

Susan choking on her food, nods.

"He even tried gentle teasing."

Jim: "No, no, you see, by comparing you to a Nazi, I was making the point, you're so not a Nazi."

While explaining, Jim knocks over his napkin.

"And just when Jim thought the date couldn't get any worse."

Susan and Jim reach down to the floor and bang heads.

Susan: "Oh! Oww! Oh!"

Susan sees Jim is on the floor, unconscious.

"It did."

Hospital Emergency Room

A doctor is examining Jim, flashing a light in his eyes.

Dr. Ron: "Okay, Jim. I need you to look up and down. All right. So, how did this happen?"

Susan: "It was an accident."

Jim: "Oh, oh, I don't know about that. In some cultures, head butting is a mating ritual."

Susan: "Dr. McCreadie, can I talk to you about my head? Away from the draft."

Dr. Ron: "Yeah. Call me Dr. Ron. Everyone does."

They move to the corner of the room.

Susan: "Ah. Dr. Ron I need you to pretend there's something wrong with me and admit me for the night."

Dr. Ron: "I'm sorry?"

Susan: "This is the worst date I have ever been on in my life."

They glance over at Jim who has inflated a glove and is "milking" it while telling the nurse a joke.

Susan: "That man is the most obnoxious, offensive, annoying human being, and you're looking at me like I'm crazy right now, but I will be if I spend one more second with him so you gotta help me! You gotta do something."

She grabs his lapels.

Susan: "It's my mental health. My mental health. You took an oath."

Dr. Ron: "Could you let go of my lapel please?"

Susan: "Sorry."

Dr. Ron: "Um, listen, I'm sorry your date is not going well, but I can't admit you, Susan."

Susan: "Right, right."

Dr. Ron walks back to Jim.

Dr. Ron: "Jim, let's, um, let's take a look at those reflexes."

Jim: "I'll tell ya. I got a joke for you, Doctor. What's the correct medical term for the circumcision of a rabbit? Hare Cut. I don't know. I always..."

Dr. Ron: "Jim, I'm gonna need to keep you here for a while and run some tests."

Jim: " Really? I-"

Dr. Ron: "Yeah, I'm still worried about that bump."

Dr. Ron presses the bump on Jim's head as Susan smiles.

Jim: "Oh. Ow! That still..."

Dr. Ron: "Susan. You're good to go."

"And though it only lasted a moment, Jim caught the look passed between his date and his doctor."

Dr. Ron looks at Susan. Susan smiles. Dr. Ron winks.

Susan: "Thank you so much, Dr. Ron."

Jim looks on in shock as Susan leaves.

"And he suddenly got the feeling the joke was on him."

Opening Credits

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

A banner hangs, indicating the Wisteria Lane Blood Drive.

"The annual blood drive was a tradition on Wisteria Lane. Most residents came to help promote health and well-being."

Zach walks through a crowded park. Everyone is filling out forms. Susan, Bree, Gabrielle, Edie, and Lynette are sitting on the bench filling out forms as well.

"But my friends turned up for a different reason. They were growing increasinglyconcerned that their street was infected with a dangerous kind of sickness. And they came to consult with one another about a possible cure."

Susan is watching Matthew and Betty Applewhite. They see her and wave.

Susan: "Oh, great, she caught me staring."

Gabrielle: "Have you guys noticed how friendly Betty's been since that body was found in front of her house?"

Edie: "I don't trust friendly women."

Lynette: "That's okay. They don't trust you either."

Susan: "I just know those two have something to do with that dead body."

Bree: "Do we even know who he is?"

Susan: "Well the paper said the police are withholding the details."

Gabrielle: "Bree, maybe you should call in a favor from your police detective pal. Have him poke around."

Susan: "That's a great idea. You could have him do a background check on the Applewhites."

Bree: "I don't think I can do that."

Susan: "Why not? You said he was nice."

Bree: "Well, once he stopped suspecting me of murdering Rex, he was delightful, but I don't really know him."

Susan: "Well, somebody has to do something 'cause I'm losing sleep."

Betty and Matthew approach.

Gabrielle: "Betty! Matthew!"

Betty: "Hello, everybody. Susan, a little birdy told me you are having a birthday soon. We should all go out and celebrate."

Susan: "Super."

Lynette: "Sounds like a plan."

Gabrielle: "Count me in."

As Betty and Matthew walk away, Bree waves.

Bree: "Bye."

Lynette: "See ya."

Betty and Matthew talk quietly to each other.

Matthew: "So why are you everybody's best friend, all of a sudden?"

Betty: "If there was ever a time to be neighborly, this is it."

Matthew: "We're idiots for staying here. I mean we should have hit the road as soon as they found Monroe's body. I mean, how do we know that he didn't tell Foster where we're hiding?"

Betty: "Because if he had, Foster would have shown up by now. Besides if we take off, what are we going to live on? I have all of our money tied up in this house."

Matthew: "So why not just sell it?"

Betty: "Patience, Matthew. If we take off right away it'll look suspicious. Now, what we need is a story, a reason for us to move."

Zach approaches the nurse's table in the park, handing her a clipboard.

Nurse: "Look at this. AB negative."

Zach: "Yeah, it's the rarest of all blood types."

Nurse: "Well, there must be something in the water around these parts. You're my second AB negative today."

Zach: "Seriously? Uh, who was it?"

Nurse: "That guy."

The nurse looks around and points at Mike, who's walking away. Zach stares at him.

Outside Bree's House

Bree is removing snails from her flowers. Betty approaches.

Betty: "Hi, Bree."

Bree: "Oh, hi."

Betty: "I just wanted to thank you for your advise on my azaleas. They're just thriving."

Bree: "Oh. It was no trouble at all."

Betty: "Such a shame I may not be around to enjoy them. Well, my mother has taken ill. And Matthew and I will probably go and visit her. We may even be moving. We just don't know yet."

Bree: "Oh. Well, where does she live?"

Betty: "Back in Chicago."

Bree: "Is it serious?"

Betty: "I, I don't know yet. Well, obviously I'll be speaking with her doctor."

Bree: "Oh, Betty. If there's anything I can do, anything at all."

Betty: "Thank you. You've already done so much. Bye."

Betty walks away.

Susan's House

Susan removes the blood drive tape from her arm as Julie walks in.

Susan: "Oh."

Julie: "That Dr. Ron called. He needs to see you for a follow-up appointment."

Susan: "He needs to see me, or he wants to see me?"

Julie: "Geez, Mom, how cute is this guy?"

Susan: "Oh, he could be cuter, but I don't know how."

Julie: "So ask him out."

Susan: "Oh no, I can't do that."

Julie: "Mom, he's a cute surgeon. What's the problem?"

Susan: "He's young."

Julie: "Young?"

Susan: "Younger than me."

Julie: "How much younger?"

Susan: "Let's just say if I was a senior in high school, I'd be saying, 'Wow, you're a hot fifth grader.'"

Julie: "Well, of course it's going to sound gross if you say it that way. But, you're both adults so why not just ask him out?"

Susan: "'Cause the conversation could go something like this. 'Dr. Ron, I think you're hot.' 'Oh. Well, thank you, ma'am. Now I think it's time we talk about your hip replacement.'"

Julie: "Mom, you're hot and funny and nice and clearly desperate, and guys are into that. Play to your strengths."

Outside Lynette's House

Lynette drives into her driveway. Tom runs out to meet her.

Tom: "Thank god you're home."

Lynette: "What's wrong? Pat said you told her it was an emergency."

Tom: "The boys were sent home from school."

Lynette: "What! Why? I called. The machine kept picking up."

Tom: "I know. I know. Look I, they've got chicken pox."

Lynette: "Chicken pox? That's the emergency?"

Tom: "They're totally contagious."

Lynette: "Not to us."

Tom: "They are to me. I've never had it."

Lynette: "Well, you never told me that."

Tom: "The point is, I can't go in there. It's a hot zone."

Lynette: "Well, Tom. Somebody's got to take care of our kids."

Tom: "Exactly. And since you're immune..."

Lynette: "Oh, you gotta be kidding, I have to get back to work."

Tom: "Just for a couple of day, until they're not contagious."

Lynette: "It is not the Ebola Virus, it's chicken pox. You are being a baby."

Tom: "Yes, I am.

Lynette: "Okay."

Tom: "And if you think I'm being a baby now, do I need to remind you of what I'm like when I'm sick? Remember that time I had strep throat? We wound up in marriage counseling."

Lynette: "I'll call the office."

Tom: "Thanks, honey."

Outside Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle is sitting on her porch, reading a magazine, when her gardener approaches.

Ralph: "Uh, Mrs. Solis, I gotta talk to you."

Gabrielle: "Ralph, if this is about Luis overwatering the hydrangeas again, I told you, no one likes a tattletale."

Ralph: "My wife left me."

Gabrielle: "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you and Bonita were having problems."

Ralph: "We weren't. It was all of a sudden. She just packed her bags and left. She said I have an illness. I need to get help."

Gabrielle: "Why?"

Ralph: "There's nothing wrong with me. I just like to look at pretty ladies on the internet."

Gabrielle: "Uh huh."

Ralph: "Sure, they're not always dressed and sometimes there's more than one. But I only go to the classy websites. There's some really sick stuff out there, Mrs. Solis."

Gabrielle: "Ralph! Make your point."

Ralph: "Um, last night, ah, I found this new website. And there was a picture of a lady sitting on a bear skin rug with nothing on except a little pointy elf hat. It's very festive."

Gabrielle: "Yeah. Uh, Ralph, why are you telling me this?"

Ralph: "I'm sorry, it's just, um, I think you really need to see this."

He hands her a sheet of paper.

Gabrielle: "Oh, my god!"

Ralph: "The lighting looks great on you, Mrs. Solis. I mean, most of the time you have to squint at the screen to see anything really good. Not here, no sir. That's, that's good."

Gabrielle: "Well, um, thank you, Ralph, for bringing this to my attention."

Ralph: "Um, Mrs. Solis, I was wondering. Would you sign that for me? Oh, okay."

Noah's House

A nurse is working, giving Noah a shot as he lies in bed. She leaves briefly and Noah looks at Mike, who's sitting on a chair near the bed.

Noah: "Where have you been? Why didn't you come to see me?"

Mike: "I came every Sunday. You were just too out of it to know I was here."

Noah: "I think you're lying. But then again these days, I think everyone's been lying to me. The thing is, you're here now. So tell me what I want to know. Did you find the man who killed my daughter?"

Mike: "It was a guy named Todd Forrest. He's a low life drug dealer. He got her hooked again. She tried to steal from him and he killed her. And I killed him. I thought hearing that would make you happy."

Noah: "I thought it would too. But it doesn't."

The nurse comes back to put another needle in Noah. He grimaces and lets out a cry of pain.

Nurse: "I'm sorry. I want to start your IV but your veins are kind of bad."

Noah: "Well, here, let me help you."

He takes the needle and sticks the nurse.

Nurse: "Oh! What the hell are you doing? You're crazy!"

Noah: "You're fired. Get out."

The nurse leaves, holding her arm.

Noah: "So, I guess we're done then?"

Mike: "Yeah."

Noah: "You, uh, gonna come see me again?"

Mike: "You planning on having an open casket?"

Noah smirks. Mike leaves.

Outside Lynette's House

Tom is hitting golf balls across the lawn while Carlos watches. Lynette comes out with a plate of sandwiches.

Lynette: "Hey, guys."

Tom: "Hey."

Carlos: "Hi, Lynette."

Lynette: "Hi, Carlos."

Tom: "All right, a reuben? How sweet is that? Lunch brought right to the golf course."

Carlos: "I hear you got some pretty sick kids in there."

Lynette: "Oh, it's just chicken pox. But Brave heart here will only come in to sleep and shower."

Carlos: "I can't say I blame him. I wouldn't want to be shooting blanks either. Be well, my man.

Tom: "Okay."

Carlos: "Bye, Lynette."

Lynette: "See ya later."

Carlos leaves.

Lynette: "I'm sorry, what did he mean shooting blanks?"

Tom: "Oh, it, it, it's nothing, there's just a small chance of sterility if a grown man gets chicken pox, so..."

Lynette: "We're not having any more kids. Why would it matter?"

Tom: "I don't know. You know, survival instinct."

Lynette: "So, if you're the last man to survive a nuclear holocaust, you can repopulate the planet?"

Tom: "No, all I'm saying is that if, god forbid, something were to happen to either one of us, I want either one of us to have, you know, options."

Lynette: "So, you're saying that if I died, you would want a second wife and a family?"

Tom: "Maybe."

Lynette: "I can't believe you've actually thought about this."

Tom: "Well, haven't you?"

Lynette: "Thought about who I'd marry if you died? Mm, no!"

Tom: "Oh, honey, it's a back-up plan. I'm not going to use it."

Lynette: "Then why have it?"

Tom: "Well, I don't know. It's like, it's like there's this door, right? And I'm not planning on actually going through it because I'm so happy in the room that I'm in. But in case of fire or flood, it's comforting to know that the door is unlocked."

Lynette grabs the sandwich out of Tom's hand and the plate.

Tom: "I'm not through with that."

Lynette: "Yeah, well why don't you have your second wife make you lunch, okay? Oops!"

Lynette throws the sandwiches on the ground. She storms back inside. Tom picks up the sandwich and examines it.

Restaurant

Bree and Detective Barton are having a meal.

Detective Barton: "Bree. I have to say, I was very pleased to get your call. I mean. I'm surprised you want to have anything to do with me, given our recent history."

Bree: "Oh you mean, you having suspected me of murdering my husband? Detective, that is all water under the bridge now."

Bree takes a drink of wine.

Detective Barton: "I'm very glad to hear you say that."

Bree: "I do have to confess that I have an ulterior motive. I need to ask you a favor."

Detective Barton: "Oh, well, shoot, whatever I can do."

Bree: "We have these, um, new neighbors, the Applewhites, it's a mother and her son, the just moved here from Chicago. And they seem very nice, but there is, there is something about them that's off. They're odd."

Detective Barton: "Odd?"

Bree: "Yeah, they're secretive and watchful and there was a dead body found in front of their house."

Detective Barton: "I can't run a background check on your neighbors for being odd."

Bree: "Oh."

Detective Barton: "Is that why you wanted to see me, to ask me that?"

Bree: "Yeah, why?"

Detective Barton: "Well, it's just during the investigation, I just thought there was just a kind of, um, spark between us. You know, I thought this might be a date."

Bree: "Ah, no. I just wanted to ask you a favor."

Detective Barton: "It's fine. No harm done. When do I ever get to have lunch with such a lovely lady anyway, date or no date."

Bree: "Are you sure that you can't check on the Applewhites? I mean I just know that there's something there. And you know I have a sixth sense about people."

Detective Barton: "And yet, you got engaged to the man who murdered your husband."

Hospital

A nurse has just taken Susan's blood pressure.

Nurse: "Well, blood pressure looks fine. You're free to go, Mrs. Mayer."

Susan: "You mean I'm not gonna see Dr. Ron?"

Nurse: "Oh, I do the follow-up exams. Dr. Ron only comes in if there's a problem."

Susan: "Oh well, maybe I should go ahead and see him anyway. Just to be safe."

Nurse: "I'm sorry. Dr. Ron's schedule is very tight today. So unless you're having a serious problem..."

Later, Dr. Ron is in the room with Susan.

Dr. Ron: "You're experiencing nausea, chills, and tingling, huh?"

Susan: "Yeah, but now that I think about it, I bet it's just all the coffee I drink. I drink way too much coffee. Do you like to drink coffee?"

Dr. Ron: "Ah, no. No. So the tingling is in your fingers and your toes?"

Susan: "I should switch to juice. I know the best juice place. You would love it. Do you drink juice?"

Dr. Ron: "Wow. Susan, how often have you been having these involuntary muscle spasms?"

Susan: "Oh. Oh, uh, not that often. I probably just need a good massage."

Dr. Ron grabs Susan's chin and looks into her eyes.

Dr. Ron: "Susan."

Susan: "Yeah?"

Dr. Ron: "I want to get you in for an MRI."

Susan: "Oh, oh, oh, oh, no, I don't think that's necessary."

Dr. Ron: "Are you a doctor?"

Susan: "I got high marks in math and science."

Dr. Ron: "I'm gonna get you in for an MRI."

Restaurant

Bree continues to drink her wine. The waiter brings the bill, which the detective reaches for.

Bree: "No, no, no, I think it's a misunderstanding and that I should get the bill."

Detective Barton: "I won't hear of it."

Bree: "All right, we'll split it."

Detective Barton: "Fair enough."

As they both reach for their money, Bree drops her wallet.

Detective Barton: "You know what? Let me, uh, let me give you a ride home."

Bree: "Detective Barton, is this some sort of high school ploy to get me back to your place?"

Detective Barton: "I just don't think you should be driving a car. You've been drinking."

Bree: "I had two glasses of wine."

Detective Barton: "Three, plus the Torney Port with dessert. It's all here on the bill, if you want to take a look."