Desperate Housewives - Episode 02.01 - Next

Wisteria Lane Nighttime

Ida Greenberg comes out her front door holding a paper bag with a bottle hidden inside.

"It was an accepted fact among the residents of Wisteria Lane that Ida Greenberg liked her liquor."

She looks around to see if anyone is looking then drinks from the bottle.

"People had seen her drunk at sewing bees..."

Bree sitting on a couch with various neighbors, Ida included. She hiccups.

"...the Department of Motor Vehicles..."

Lynette standing in line at the DMV. Ida is one person ahead of her. She hiccups.

"...and the first Methodist church."

Edie Britt is sitting in a church pew behind Ida, who burps.

"Ida had tried to quit drinking many times, but she couldn't."

Ida staggers down the street, holding the bottle. She looks up to the sky.

"Then one night in a moment of despair, she challenged God to quench her never-ending thirst."

Ida drinks from the bottle as Mike Delfino's truck comes around the corner.

"Luckily for Ida, God was listening."

Mike pulls his truck into his driveway. He gets out and opens the front door.

Mike's House

Mike enters his house and sees Zach standing there, holding a gun. Susan is sitting at the kitchen table. Bongo, Mike's dog, begins whining, barking and growling. Zach slowly raises the gun at Mike.

Mike: "Zach, listen to me."

Zach pulls the hammer of the gun back. Susan leaps out of her chair and rushes toward Zach.

Susan: "No!"

Susan knocks Zach over and the gun goes flying. Mike pulls Zach off Susan and pushes him to the wall. Susan rolls away and picks up the gun. She points it toward where Zach is.

Susan: "Not so tough now, are you?"

Bongo continues barking. He runs at Susan and bites her pant leg. He pulls on her jeans.

Susan: "Uh! Ow! Oh! Bongo, no! Bongo! Bongo! Oh!"

Mike turns and sees Bongo biting Susan. He rushes toward Susan and lets Zach go.

Mike: "Bongo, no!"

Mike pulls Bongo off Susan. Susan falls into the chair and the gun she is holding goes off.

Wisteria Lane - Nighttime

Ida is holding the bottle. The bullet hits the bottle Ida is holding and shatters. Ida stands there holding the broken bottle.

Mike's House

In the confusion, Zach runs out of Mike's house and down the street.

Wisteria Lane - Nighttime

Ida looks down at the broken bottle then up to the sky.

"It was at that moment it occurred to Ida, God may work in mysterious ways, but he isn't particularly subtle."

Opening Credits

Wisteria Lane Daytime

Inside Mary Alice Young's house, a picture of her sits on a table, with spider webs on it.

"It had been a year since my death, and a lot had changed on Wisteria Lane. Children had learned new games."

Outside young boys shout and play ball.

"New neighbors had moved in."

Mrs. Applegate and her son, Matthew, are in their front yard taking down the real estate signs.

"Old houses had been rebuilt..."

Edie Britt's house in construction looks almost completed. Edie is outside directing the workman.

Edie: "I told you guys twice. Okay, Craig, what's going on? Let's see."

"And fresh tragedies had occurred. In one house, a widow was getting ready to tell her friends of her husband's passing."

Bree's House

Bree is sitting at the dining room table. In front of her is a small framed painting of her and Rex on their wedding day. Her hand rests patiently on the cordless phone, watching the clock which read 5 minutes to 9:00.

"But until the time was right, she would wait. And life, as it tends to do, would go on."

Bree continues to watch the seconds tick by on the clock.

Hospital Room

Susan in lying in a hospital gown with cotton in her mouth and swollen lips.

Susan: "I look like hell. I need a hairbrush."

Julie approaches and lightly fluffs her mom's pillow.

Julie: "Yeah, um, that's not gonna help."

Mike and a police officer enter the room.

Mike: "Susan, Officer Romslo is here for your statement."

The officer looks at Susan's swollen lips.

Officer Romslo Romslo: "Zach Young do that?"

Mike: "No. Uh, she fell. Bit her lip. It was an accident."

Officer Romslo: "Okay. So, uh, walk me through what happened."

Susan (mumbling): "Well, I went over Mike's to feed the dog."

Officer Romslo: "I'm sorry?"

Julie: "Feed the dog."

Susan removes the bloody cotton from her mouth.

Susan: "Uh, and I turned around, and there was Zach Young - and that's Zach with an "h" - pointing a gun at me."

Julie points to the cotton.

Julie: "The doctor said keep that in."

Susan puts the cotton back in her mouth.

Susan: "Ouch."

Mike: "You gotta understand, Zach's had a tough time. He's got emotional issues

Susan: "Yeah, he's crazy!"

Mike: "Still, I don't think he meant to hurt anybody."

Susan: "Uh, hello! Uh, he was waiting there for you to come home so he could kill you."

Officer Romslo: "Is that what happened when you got home? The kid took a shot at you?"

Mike: "Actually, Susan fired the gun."

Susan spits out the cotton.

Susan: "Okay, that's because I was wrestling it away from Zach so that he wouldn't shoot you."

The officer stares at Susan as her mouth begins to bleed again.

Susan: "Oh, God! Oh, there's blood."

Julie: "Could we do this later? She's kind of a mess right now."

Susan: "Yeah."

Mike: "Yeah, I think I can fill in the rest for you."

Officer Romslo: "I'd appreciate it. You feel better, Mrs. Mayer."

Susan: "Thanks."

Officer Romslo and Mike leave the room.

Susan: "Ow! That hurts."

Julie: "I'm gonna get you more ice. "

Susan: "Okay."

Hospital Hallway

Julie comes out of the room and sees Mike and the officer talking. They don't see her.

Mike: "No, I'm telling you. Susan really flew off the handle when she jumped the kid."

Julie looks shocked.

Officer Romslo: "So you're saying this was more of a domestic squabble?"

Mike: "Definitely, yeah. Are we required to press charges?"

Officer Romslo: "Well, you're not really required, but it's something you should really consider when a handgun is involved."

They walk out of Julie's hearing. Julie stares after them, then goes to get ice. The clock on the wall reads 4 minutes to 9:00.

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle gets out of the shower and wraps a towel around herself. She looks on the floor and sees rose petals strewn all over the floor. She follows the petals into her bedroom and finds John laying on her bed, in his boxer shorts, drinking from a champagne flute.

Gabrielle: "John! How did you get in here?"

John: "I know where you keep the key. Mimosa?"

Gabrielle: "No, I'm pregnant, you jackass!"

John: "I made yours with seltzer."

Gabrielle: "Do you have any idea what you've done? That little stunt you pulled yesterday in the courtroom could get Carlos sent away for eight years!"

John: "Yeah, I thought you might be a little mad about that. But once you calm down, you'll see that it's just the two of us. It's gonna be awesome."

Gabrielle sees John duffle bag on the floor.

Gabrielle: "You brought luggage?"

Gabrielle, still wrapped in a towel, carries the bag down the stairs. John follows her to the front door.

John: "He's gone. We don't have to sneak around anymore. We can have a real relationship. It's what's best for the three of us."

Gabrielle: "The three of us? How exactly does that benefit Carlos?"

John: "I'm talking about my baby."

Gabrielle: "You don't know it's your baby. I don't even know it's your baby. And I don't wanna know 'cause it doesn't matter!"

Gabrielle opens the front door and throws John's bag outside, grunting.

John: "So what, you don't love me?"

Gabrielle: "Well, up until the point that you told my husband we were having an affair, I was quite fond of you. Since then, not a fan!"

Gabrielle shoves John outside and slams the door. The clock shows 2 minutes to 9:00.

Lynette's House

Lynette comes running downstairs, dressed professionally, with a briefcase in her hand.

Lynette: "Hey!"

Tom: "Hey."

The kids are sitting in the living room, finger painting.

Lynette: "Oh, why on earth would you let them finger paint before breakfast?"

Tom: "It's my job to clean that up now, so it's my call, right?"

Lynette pours herself coffee.

Lynette: "You're right. I'm sorry."

Tom: "Hey, I thought the meeting wasn't until one."

Lynette: "Oh, I have a thousand things to do before that. Borrow a decent scarf from Bree, buy a lipstick I don't hate."

Parker runs up to Lynette, holding a picture. His hands are covered in finger paint.

Parker: "Mommy, Mommy, look!"

Lynette quickly backs away.

Lynette: "Aah! No! No! No, nobody touches Mommy, okay? I love you, I love your finger painting, but if you touch me with those messy hands, I will cut them off."

Lynette places her fingertip on Parker's head and turns him away from her.

Lynette: "Go on. Off. Good."

Tom: "It's okay. A little nervous?"

Lynette: "Who, me? I've been out of work for seven years, I'm a woman of a certain age in a business that values youth above all else. Why should I be nervous?"

Tom: "You are experienced. You are brilliant. You are going to nail this job interview, okay?"

Lynette: "Thank you."

Tom approaches her and leans in for a kiss.

Lynette: "Uh, no. I can't. You're very, so..."

Tom: "Yeah."

Lynette: "Thank you. Here."

Lynette leans over and carefully kisses Tom on the lips.

Lynette: "Oh, my cell phone."

She runs upstairs.

The clock on the counter shows 1 minute to 9:00.

Bree's House

Bree is sitting with her hand on the cordless phone, tapping it as she watches the seconds tick to 9:00. The clock chimes 9:00 a.m. Bree picks up the phone and dials.

Bree: "Lynette, hi, it's Bree. I do hope I'm not calling too early. Hmm? Oh, of course you can borrow that scarf. I'll press it for you. Um, I have, uh, some news. Rex died."

Gabrielle's Front Porch

Susan, holding an ice bag on her mouth, sits with Lynette and Gabrielle.

Susan: "I thought they were gonna operate. What happened?"

Lynette: "Apparently Rex's heart just gave out."

Susan: "Oh, my god. So when can we see Bree?"

Lynette: "She said she was gonna call. She's got a lot of things to do, planning for the funeral, that sort of thing."

Gabrielle: "She doesn't look that busy to me."

They all turn and see Bree standing by her trash can in the driveway, holding a carton of milk. They walk up to her.

Lynette: "Hi. What are you doing out here?"

Bree: "Oh, I'm just waiting for, uh, Rex's mother. She's gonna be here any second."

Gabrielle: "Honey, we are so sorry."

Bree: "Oh, do one of you drink soy milk? I was cleaning out the fridge this morning, and Rex is the only one who drinks it. I just bought it on Friday. I'd hate to throw it away."

Lynette, Susan and Gabrielle shake their heads no.

Bree: "What a waste."

Bree puts the milk into the trash can.

Lynette: "Aw, sweetie."

Susan: "Honey, you can let it out."

Bree: "No. No, I can't afford to fall apart right now."

Susan: "Why?"

Bree: "You're about to find out."

A taxi comes squealing around the corner. A woman is sticking her head out the back window, shouting.

Phyllis: "Bree! Oh, stop here. This is the house."

Susan: "Is that?"

Bree: "Yes, that is Rex's mother."

The woman sobs as she climbs out of the cab and staggers over to where the women are standing.

Phyllis: "I can't believe it. It's like some hideousnightmare. My life is over! My life is over!"

She clings to Bree.

Bree pats her on the back and the ladies stare at Rex's mother.

Advertising Agency

A young man carries a plate of food into the office where Lynette is sitting with an interviewer, Nina Fletcher. Phones ring in the background.

Nina: "It appears there's a seven-year gap since your last position. What, did you take some time off?"

Lynette: "I was a stay-at-home mom. I wish it had taken time off."

Nina: "Boy or girl?"

Lynette: "A girl. And three boys."

Nina: "Four kids?"

Lynette: "Yeah, of course, they won't get in the way of the job because my husband's staying home with them from now on."

Nina: "I knew I could never do both jobs justice. That's why I chose not to have a family. I didn't want to be one of those kind of women. You know, sloughing things off onto coworkers because of a pediatrician appointment or a dance recital. I get really neurotic about putting people out."

Lynette: "With all due respect, Nina, won't be an issue. I can leave home at home."

Nina: "And it's not gonna break your heart to leave those sad little faces behind?"

Lynette: "Are you kidding? This office is paradise. Grown-ups talking about grown-up things. No screaming, no vomiting, no boogers under the table. You're gonna have to drag me outta here kicking and screaming - weekends, holidays, whenever."

Nina: "All right, Ed wants to make the final decision. So I will bring you back tomorrow at three for a follow-up."

Lynette: "Well, that, that sounds great. Thank you."

Nina: "Lynette, be early. Show me something."

Lynette: "Okay."

Bree's House

Danielle is helping her grandmother unpack her suitcase. Andrew is sitting at the table. Danielle picks up a teddy bear from the suitcase.

Danielle: "No way. Dad did not have a teddy bear."

Phyllis: "He most certainly did. Oh, that was Doolittle. Your father never went anywhere without him."

Bree walks into the room carrying a tea tray.

Bree: "Here's your tea, Phyllis."

Phyllis: "Oh. [picks up an orange tie from the suitcase] Oh! Look, Bree. This was the tie that Rex wore when he graduated from prep school. I think he should wear it. You know, for the funeral?"

Bree: "Phyllis, that's an orange tie."

Phyllis: "Well, those were his school colors: green and orange."

Bree: "Well, um, he's being buried in a blue suit."

Andrew gets up and walks to the suitcase.

Phyllis: "Maybe he could be buried in a different suit."

Bree: "I don't think so, but thank you, though."

Andrew: "You, uh, you kept dad's old comic books?"

Phyllis: "Oh, yes, I kept everything. Look here. I even kept the dirty magazine that he hid under his mattress. He didn't think I knew about it, but I did."

Andrew: "Well, looks like dad was into big breasts."

Phyllis: "Oh, yes. That's why I was surprised when he married your mother."

Bree stares at Phyllis. Phyllis meets Bree's eyes and Bree smiles.

Jail Visiting Room

Carlos sits back in his chair, not talking to Gabrielle sitting across from him.

Gabrielle: "So you're just not gonna talk to me, is that it? Fine. I don't need to talk. Okay. Yes, I had a little affair. It wasn't the best thing to do, and I'm not proud of it. But it's not the worst thing that could have happened. Nobody died. Oh, don't be such a martyr, Carlos. Okay, it takes two people. How many times did you go off on your little business trips and leave me alone? See, so technically, you cheated, too. It's just your mistress was your work."

Carlos stands up from the table and starts to walk away.

Gabrielle: "No, okay. That was a stretch. I'm sorry. Carlos, wait! Come back. Look, I wanna start over. We're gonna have a baby. Isn't that what you always wanted? Carlos, wait! I said I was sorry and I love you! What more do you want?"

Carlos: "I want a paternity test."

Betty's House

Betty Applewhite is sweeping her front porch as Bree and Danielle approach. Bree is holding a basket of cookies.

Bree: "Mrs. Applewhite, hi. I am Bree Van de Kamp, and this is my daughter Danielle."

Betty: "Hello."

Danielle: "Hi."

Matthew: "Hey, I'm Matthew."

Betty: "This is my son."

Bree: "Hi. I would have been over sooner to introduce myself, but I'm afraid there's been a death in my family."

Danielle: "My dad."

Betty: "I'm so sorry."

Matthew: "I lost my dad, too. I know what you must be going through right now."

Danielle: "Thank you."

Bree: "Anyway, I'm afraid that my visit has an ulterior motive. The organist at our church is on vacation, and Edie Britt mentioned that you used to be a concert pianist, and - "

Betty: "I would be honored to play for you. Why don't I bring some sheet music over later and we can plan some selections?"

Bree: "Thank you. That's just a huge weight off my shoulders. [She hands the cookies to Betty] Oh, these are for you."

Betty: "How sweet. Bree, we widows have to stick together."

Bree: "Bye."

Bree and Danielle leave.

Betty: "Pretending your father's dead? Don't you find that a little morbid?"

Matthew: "Well, I just thought it could help our cover story, okay? Just, you know, win 'em over."

Betty: "Oh, sweetie. I know you meant well. But in the future, you leave the cleverness to me."

Betty walks into the house, carrying the cookies.

Susan's Front Yard

Susan is pounding a security sign into the grass as Julie approaches.

Julie: "Since when are we protected by Dorset security?"

Susan: "We're not. It's a deterrent in case Zach comes back. I told Mike I didn't sleep last night, so he got me this sign. That guy is so supportive. You know he's out right now in a ride-along with the police searching for Zach?"

Julie: "Really?"

Susan: "Yeah. He's determined to see that kid behind bars. So tomorrow at school, I want you to let everybody know that we got this new, expensive security system."

Julie: "Mom."

Susan: "Just work it into the conversation. You know, put the word out there."

Julie: "I've gotta tell you something."

Susan: "Emphasize the motion detectors."

Julie: "Mom, stop, stop. Listen."

Susan: "What? What is it?"

Julie: "Yesterday I overheard Mike telling that cop that he didn't wanna press charges against Zach. He made the whole thing sound like it was your fault."

Susan: "My fault?"

Hospital

Gabrielle enters the Prenatal and Neonatal Care Department and approaches the desk. A young lady with multi-colored hair and various face piercing is sitting behind the desk, reading.

Gabrielle: "Hi, uh, I need a paternity test."

Receptionist: "Well, we'll just schedule you for an exam."

Gabrielle: "Oh, no, no. I don't need to take a test. I am just trying to reassure my husband of what I know is true in my heart. So if you could just slip me someone else's test results, I could make my own. I got Photoshop for Christmas. Oh, come on. You look like a fun-loving girl. I am sure you've been in a couple hairy situations of your own."

Receptionist: "Just because I choose to express myself doesn't mean that I condone adultery. Sorry."

The receptionist walks away and Gabrielle turns and sees a young lady sitting down looking at a sheet of paper and crying. Gabrielle walks over to her and sits down.

Gabrielle: "Paternity test results? I know. I'm in the same situation."

Woman: "Really?"

Gabrielle: "Mm-hmm."

Woman: "I just found out the clinic screwed up and gave me an egg that belonged to some lesbian. It was supposed to implanted in her lover, and now my husband's freaking out because he thinks that our baby's gonna be gay!"

Gabrielle: "Okay. We're in slightly different situations. But do you wanna get a cup of coffee and talk about it?"

Woman: "Yeah. That'd be nice. Thanks."

Gabrielle: "Yeah. Us girls have to stick together. We shouldn't let a stupid piece of paper ruin our life."

Gabrielle pulls the paper from the woman's hands.

Woman: "Yeah!"

The woman gets up and walks off. Gabrielle follows, folding the paper neatly.

Bree's Living Room

The Reverend, Bree, and Phyllis are sitting. Phyllis takes sheets of paper out of her purse and writes things down.

Reverend: "Obviously, I've known Rex for years, but when it comes to writing a eulogy, I like as much input from the family as possible."

Bree: "Oh. Well, um, what kind of input?"

Phyllis: "Oh, he means anecdotes, little stories. Isn't that what you mean, Reverend?"

Reverend: "Well, yes, but, uh, also-"

Phyllis: "I thought that you might need some help, so last night I stayed up all night and tried to remember funny things and moments that said so much about Rex as a person."

Reverend: "My. How, how many pages do you have there?"

Phyllis: "Fifteen."