Desperate Housewives - Episode 02.22 - No One Is Alone

Outside Susan's Burnt House - Daytime

Susan is rummaging through the remnants of her home. She finds a picture of Gabrielle, Bree, Mary Alice, Lynette, and herself in happy times.

"Susan Mayer had always believed the one thicouch crying. Bree is standing next to her with a plate of cookies.

"When her grandmother died, it was Bree who brought homemade cookies."

Flashback - Susan's House

A depressed-looking Susan is reading the newspaper. Gabrielle is standing close by and a handsome, muscular man in a tank top is massaging Susan's shoulders.

"When the critics panned her third book, it was Gabrielle who hired the handsome masseur."

Flashback - Susan's House

Susan is reading her divorce degree. Lynette is pouring her a drink.

"When her divorce became final it was Lynette who poured the scotch."

Lynette takes the glass and hands Susan the bottle.

Present - Susan's Burnt House

Susan continues looking at the photo of her and the girls.

"Sadly, Susan's life had been shattered once again. But as always, her friends had come to help pick up the pieces."

Bree, Lynette, and Gabrielle are working around the damaged yard salvaging anything left.

Gabrielle: "Susan. We've all been talking. We've decided that you and Julie should stay with Bree."

Susan: "Oh thanks, but that's okay. We'll stay in a motel."

Bree: "Absolutely not. Just give me and hour or two to straighten up Andrew's room and then you can bring yourselves over."

Susan: "I don't deserve friends like you."

Lynette: "We're aware of that."

Orson comes out of the burnt house with a full trash bags.

Orson: "Susan, you're running low on trash bags. I'm gonna run to the store."

Susan: "Thanks. Orson, thanks for coming. You know you didn't have to do this."

Orson: "Hey, it's my pleasure."

Mike and Tom are working nearby. Mike overhears Orson and looks at him. Bud Penrod from Town and Country Insurance approaches Susan, handing her a card.

Bud: "Mrs. Mayer! Bud Penrod, Town and Country Insurance. "

Susan: "Oh, it's nice to meet you."

Bud: "Yeah. Look at that. Well, that's no fun at all, is it?"

Susan: "No, no, it isn't. So, when am I gonna get the check 'cause I have a lot of rebuilding to do. I need to get started."

Bud: "Yeah, well I'm afraid that's going to be a while. You see, the fire department has ruled that this was arson."

Susan: "Arson?"

Bud: "Yeah, so we can't give you any money until we finish our investigation."

Susan: "Who would wanna burn down my house?"

Bud: "I don't know. Do you have any enemies?"

Susan: "No! No look, the whole neighborhood turned out to help. I'm very popular."

Bud: "And there's no one among them that wishes you ill?"

Susan: "Oh no! No, everybody's been very helpful. Everybody likes me. Absolutely...."

Susan looks down Wisteria Lane. Edie is standing across the street eating a popsicle with a smug look on her face, staring at Susan. Susan freezes.

Susan: "...everyone."

"Yes, hard times were what Susan used to distinguish who was a friend and who wasn't."

Opening Credits

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

"Not everyone enjoys being a small part of a large community."

Wisteria Lane Park

A bees nest is in the tree.

"Indeed, some yearn to leave the stress and noise of constant companionship behind them."

One lone bee flies from the nest toward Wisteria Lane.

"So they strike out on their own, hoping their solitude will bring a little peace and quiet."

The bee flies toward Felicia, who is raking her yard.

"It's only then they discover how dangerous it is..."

Felicia knocks the bee to the ground and crushes it with her foot.

"..to be alone in the world."

Felicia looks next door and sees Zach taking out the trash. She pulls off her gloves and hurries over to Paul's house, going in through the back door.

In the kitchen, she begins searching the kitchen cupboards and drawers. In one of the cupboards, she finds various keys hanging on a hook, all neatly labeled, and she takes the key marked "house."

Paul: "Zach! Did you get the trash?"

Upon hearing Paul's voice, Felicia grabs a bag of flour out of the cupboard just as Paul walks into the kitchen.

Paul: "How'd you get in here?"

Felicia: "Hiya. Paul. I stood at the back door shouting and shouting. Were you in the little boys room?"

Paul: "I'm calling the police."

Felicia: "No need, I just needed to borrow some flour. I'm a little bit psychic and I predict fresh baked cookies in your future."

Zach walks in just as Felicia walks out.

Felicia: "Zachary."

Zach: "What'd she want?"

Paul: "She was in the cupboard. Get a trash bag. We're throwing everything away."

Zach: "You think she was trying to poison us?"

Paul: "All I know is, we're eating out tonight."

Edie's House

Edie is changing a light bulb on the front porch when Susan approaches.

Edie: "What do you want?"

Susan: "Uh, this is a little awkward and I apologize in advance for how this is gonna sound, but um...by any chance, did you burn down my house?"

Edie: "Yes."

Susan: "What?"

Edie: "Yes, I burnt down your house, you sleazy little whore."

Susan: Edie! Why would you do that?"

Edie: "Can you blame me after sending me that acid letter?"

Susan: "Letter? What letter?"

Edie: "The one where you admitted to stabbing me in the back by sleeping with Karl."

Susan: "You weren't supposed to get that! I stole that back from the mailman."

Edie: "So, you were trying to hide the truth from me?"

Susan: "This is not what we should focus on right now. The point is you maliciously set fire to my house!"

Edie: "Look, I admit I might have overreacted a tad."

Susan: "A tad? Edie, I have no roof! You can't just go around burning down people's homes!"

Edie: "Why not? You burnt down my home! You stole Mike from me! You slept with my fiancé! That's the trifecta! You're lucky I didn't torch your car!"

Susan: "That's it! I'm going to the police and I'm telling them what you did!"

Edie: "Did what? I didn't do anything."

Susan: "Wha-? You just confessed!"

Edie: "No, I didn't. Did anyone else hear me confess? Hello? Hello? No witnesses. No evidence. No confession. I guess we're done here. You can go home now. Oh wait, that's right, you don't have one."

Gabrielle's House

Xiao-Mei is serving lunch to Carlos and Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: "No, no, Xiao-Mei, I've told you a million times. No red meat for Mr. Solis!"

Carlos: "My triglycerides are through the roof."

Gabrielle: "Sweetie, I need some more cream."

Xiao-Mei gets the cream and leans over to put some in Gabrielle's coffee. She looks nauseous.

Carlos: "Xiao-Mei, what's wrong?"

Xiao-Mei: "She smell."

Carlos: "Who smells? Gaby?"

Gabrielle: "Excuse me, what?"

Xiao-Mei: "Her perfume make me sick."

Gabrielle: "Honey, it's a hundred bucks an ounce. That tends to make everyone a little nauseous."

Carlos: "Xiao-Mei, your boobs, are they tender?"

Xiao-Mei: "Mm hmm."

Gabrielle: "Carlos! Her boobs are none of your business!"

Carlos: "Gaby, think. She's sensitive to smell, nauseous, and has swollen breasts!"

Gabrielle grabs Carlos' hand and smiles.

Doctor's Office

Gabrielle is still holding Carlos hand. Xiao-Mei is lying on an examination table. The doctor enters.

Doctor: "Well, I just ran her blood work. Looks like the insemination was successful."

Gabrielle: "Oh!"

Carlos: "Oh my gosh!"

Carlos grabs Gabrielle and lifts her up.

Carlos: "We're gonna have a baby!"

Gabrielle: "Oh."

Doctor: "You should know that since she's experiencing early symptoms, this might be a tough pregnancy for her."

Carlos: "Not a problem. We are gonna treat her like a queen!"

Gabrielle: "Absolutely. You have nothing to worry about here."

Gabrielle runs over and hugs Carlos and Xiao-Mei.

Gabrielle: "Oh!"

Xiao-Mei: "Oh, Mrs. Solis, you smell."

Gabrielle: "Oh, yeah, okay, sorry."

Carlos keeps hugging Xiao-Mei as Gabrielle looks on.

Bree's House

Bree is cleaning out Andrew's room.

Bree: "I think it's going to be a kick having Susan and Julie stay with us. It'll be like living in a sorority. We'll stay up late and we'll gossip and make s'mores. Doesn't that sound like fun?"

Danielle: "Why are you pretending to be happy? I heard you walking around your room all night long. Crying."

Bree: "I don't want to talk about it."

Danielle: "Look, I know why you're worried, but Andrew can take care of himself. And if he can't, he shouldn't have run away in the first place."

Bree: "You know what? Maybe Andrew leaving will be good for us. You are all I have left and I am going to be the best mother that I can be."

Danielle: "There's definitely room for improvement. It's just you kind of forgot my birthday."

Bree: "What?"

Danielle: "Yeah, it was six weeks ago."

Bree: "Oh my god, Danielle. I am so sorry!"

Danielle: "It's okay, you had a lot going on. I mean, Andrew was suing you and you were pretty wasted that month."

Bree: "Honey, you gotta let me make it up to you. I, I am going to throw you a birthday party with all your friends, okay?"

Danielle: "That could be cool. You know what else I'd like?"

Bree: "Name it, it's yours."

Danielle: "I want Andrew's room. You said he's probably not coming back and I could really use the extra closet space."

Bree: "But, sweetheart, this is, this is his room."

Danielle: "Mom, you forgot my birthday. You're really in no position to negotiate."

Bree: "Honey, where am I going to put all of his things? And you know, he might come back at some point."

Danielle: "He won't. Like you said, I'm all you have left."

Lynette's House

Tom is packing in the bedroom.

Lynette: "Atlantic City?"

Tom: "Yeah, it's last minute, but Jerry got a great deal on a suite at one of the casinos and a bunch of the old gang is coming in from New York and, god, it's been forever since I have been so, how could I turn that down?"

Lynette: "Yeah, how indeed."

Tom: "What?"

Lynette: "I didn't say anything."

Tom: "No, but you have that look. Something wrong?"

Lynette: "No! Except that I know you've been to Atlantic City three times in the last month without telling me. Ed found the receipts when he did the office audit. Other than that, no, nothing wrong."

Tom laughs.

Lynette: "Tom, it would be better for your general well-being if you did not laugh at this moment in time."

Tom: "Am I going to have to ruin the surprise? Because it's a really good surprise."

Lynette: "I'm thinking yeah, ruin it."

Tom: "I have been going to Atlantic City for business. I am up for a top spot with Jerry's firm, Huffington Promotions. And if you don't believe me, you can call the CEO himself."

He goes to his bag and hands Lynette a business card.

Lynette: "I am so happy. And I'm so relieved."

She puts the card on the bedframe before hugging Tom.

Tom: "Did you think I was cheating?"

Lynette: "No! Absolutely not!"

Tom: "Lynette?"

Lynette: "No! Okay a little bit. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Ed found receipts for flowers and theatre tickets. I mean, by the way, did you..."

Tom: "Jerry and I went to a show and the flowers were for Milt's wife."

Lynette: "I knew that. You didn't have to tell me that. Why did you buy flowers for Milt's wife?"

Tom: "Lynette?"

Lynette: "Sorry, stop, done talking. That's fantastic! I love you!"

Tom: "I love you."

Lynette starts to leave the room and turns back to say something. She freezes as Tom carefully picks up the business card off the bed frame and tucks it back into his suitcase.

Gabrielle's House - Morning

Gabrielle comes downstairs. Carlos is vacuuming and Xiao-Mei is sitting on the couch.

Gabrielle: "Carlos! What's going on?"

Carlos: "Xiao-Mei is feeling under the weather, so I took up the vacuuming."

Gabrielle: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. So, uh, did you move my beauty products? They're not in the bathroom."

Xiao-Mei points to the table behind Gabrielle. There is a plastic box filled with goods.

Gabrielle: "Why in the hell?"

Carlos: "I forgot to tell you. Ah, you can't use that stuff anymore. It really triggers Xiao-Mei's morning sickness."

Gabrielle: "All of it? Even my hair palmade?"

Xiao-Mei: "It gives me stomach ache."

Gabrielle: "Yeah, well it gives me volume, so I guess we're both gonna have a problem."

Carlos: "Do you have to be so high-maintenance?"

Gabrielle: "You married a model, Carlos. Maintenance is my only skill!"

Xiao-Mei: "Please, no fight. If Mrs. Solis smell bad, I be okay."

Gabrielle: "Fine, I'll learn to live without product. But when my hair starts smelling like hair, I don't want to hear a word."

Bree's House

Danielle comes downstairs to find Bree working in the living room on two large balloon displays configuring the number seventeen.

Bree: "Surprise!"

Danielle: "What the hell is that?"

Bree: "Isn't it darling? I made it for your party. It's a big one and a big seven, for seventeen!"

Danielle: "Were you up all night making that thing?"

Bree: "Yeah, I just wasn't tired. Oh, I want to show you what else I planned. I think you're gonna love it."

She hands Danielle some fliers.

Danielle: "You got a Fajita Bar and a juggler?"

Bree: "Now relax, he's a very hip juggler. He only performs to Beatles songs and I saw the video and it's absolutely thrilling."

Danielle: "Mom, I don't want any of this stuff. It's not even my real birthday."

Bree: "Danielle, I just want you to have the best party you have ever had in your entire life!"

Danielle: "I just want a few friends to come over and hang out. You can make a cake but giant balloon numbers? I mean, come on, they would all make fun of me."

Bree: "Oh. Okay."

Bree picks up a pair of scissors. She begins stabbing all the balloons, popping them.

Danielle: "Is that really necessary?"

Bree: "Honey, I can't possibly put it in the garbage as is!"

Danielle walks upstairs as Susan comes downstairs.

Danielle: "It's just another morning at the Van de Kamps."

Susan sees Bree stabbing the balloons.

Bree: "Oh Susan, did I wake you?"

Susan: "Uh, no, no, I was up."

Bree: "I'm sorry about the noise, it's just that Danielle doesn't want the balloons and I'm a little pressed for time."

Susan: "Bree, are you okay?"

Bree: "She said she doesn't want balloons. I'm fine."

Bree continues stabbing at the balloons as Susan backs away.

Betty's House

Matthew is banging on the locked door of the basement. Betty is sitting on a chair outside the door.

Matthew: "Mom. Look, I know you're out there. Please, just talk to me. Mom, I need something to drink. Just some water, some juice, something, anything, please." (he bangs on the door) "Mom! You want me to say I set Caleb up. Yeah, I did it. I started thinking about all those years, years that we had to take care of him and I just thought maybe once he was gone, we could have a normal life. And I'm sorry. But Mom, you have got to let me out of here, now!"

Betty gets up. With a crowbar, she bangs on the door.

Betty: "You! You were willing to stand by and let me murder your brother without reason. It's an unforgivable betrayal! I am so consumed with rage, it's best you stay in there because if I let you out, I don't know what I might do to you!"

She throws the crowbar to the ground.

Mike's House

Mike answers his phone.

Mike: "Hello?"

Susan, on the other end, is looking at a package.

Susan: "I need Edie to spill her guts. What do you know about wearing a wire?"

Later, Mike has the recorder and is explaining it to Susan

Mike: "Do you see the little red light?"

Susan: "Mm."

Mike: "It's all voice activated, so if the lights on, you're recording. Uh, let me show you how to tape it on."

Susan: "Oh, okay."

Mike lifts Susan's shirt.

Mike: "Sorry if my hands are cold."

Susan: "Uh, no, that's okay, they're fine."

Mike kneels behind Susan with some tape.

Mike: "So, are you sure you wanna do this?"

Susan: "Yeah, I'm sorta up against the wall and the insurance company needs proof fast. Things are sort of weird at Bree's. I don't wanna overstay my welcome."

Mike: "Well, if things get tough, you can always stay here." (into the microphone) "Testing, testing."

Susan: "I'm sorry, did you just invite me to move in with you?"

Mike: "Well, you and Julie, in the spare bedroom."

Susan: "Oh."

Mike: "You, you've been saying how you wanna be friends again and you're right. There's no reason we can't be friends."

Susan: "You sure that won't put a crimp in your, uh, dating life? You know that girl you were at the movies with."

Mike: "No, that was a one time thing. What about that guy, though, Orson?"

Susan: "Yeah, he just heard about the fire and came over to help. We're friends."

Mike: "Oh. So, neither of us is dating anybody."

Susan: "Guess not."

They smile at each other.

Fairview Airport

Lynette, Mrs. McCluskey, and the kids are at the airport.

Lynette: "I got my boarding pass."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Do what you need to do and don't worry about them kids. I'll keep 'em out of trouble."

Lynette: "Is this crazy? Following Tom across the country just to spy on him. If he knew I was doing this...God, I don't think I can go through with this."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Now look. There's probably nothing going on, but you need to know the truth."

Lynette: "Do I? I mean I'm happy, I mean I was. Why don't I just look the other way and pretend nothing's wrong? Lots of people can do that."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Well, we both know you're not one of them."

Lynette: "And what if I see him with another woman? What then?"

Mrs. McCluskey: "I own a gun."

Bree's House

All of Danielle's friends are there for her birthday. Music plays in the living room as everyone talks. Julie gets up and walks into the kitchen. Bree is icing a birthday cake.

Julie: "You okay in there?"

Bree: "Fine, why?"

Julie: "It's just people have been asking about the cake and you've been icing it for over an hour."

Bree: "Well, I just keep messing it up. I don't know what's wrong with me."

Julie: "You're probably just tired. My mom and I heard you up all night."

Bree: "Oh, it just keeps coming out too thick."

Bree begins scraping icing off the cake with a knife.

Julie: "You know people aren't going to care if the icing isn't perfect."

Bree: "People care about details."

Bree begins scraping icing off with her hand.

Bree: "Someday when Danielle looks back I want her to remember just how perfect her cake looked and how hard her mother worked to make her happy. This cake is a symbol of my love!"

Julie: "Well, it looks delicious."

As Julie walks out, Bree scrapes more icing off with her hand.

Later, guests are singing "Happy Birthday" in the living room as Bree carries in the cake lit with candles.

Guests: "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Danielle..."

Bree sets the cake down.

Bree: "Stop! One of the candles went out! Um, we're going to have to do this all over again! I'm sorry, I'll be right back!"

Bree runs toward the kitchen.

Danielle: "Um, mom, it's all right!"

Bree: "Sweetheart, this is your special day. All of your candles should be lit. It will just take me two seconds."

All the guests watch as Bree runs into the kitchen.

Julie: "Is she serious?"

Danielle: "Welcome to my own private hell."

One of the guests, Barbie, goes up to the cake and scoops some of the icing off and licks it.

Barbie: "That is some serious frosting."

Bree: "All righty!"

She walks to the cake with the lighter. She sees the missing scoop of frosting. She glares at each of the guests, who all look frightened. As she pans the room her look stops at a heavyset young lady.

Bree: "Who touched this?"

Danielle: "Mom, what does it matter? It's just a little frosting."

Bree: "Someone ruined your cake and I want to know who could be that thoughtless."

Bree turns and points her finger at the guests.

Bree: "Was it you? Or you? Who was it?"

Danielle: "Mom! Please, you're embarrassing me!"

Bree: "You!"

She points at the heavyset girl.

Bree: "You look like a girl who enjoys her frosting!"

Heavyset Girl: "No, no I didn't touch it!"

Danielle: "It's just a cake, for god's sakes! Will you please just cut it!"

Barbie: "Mrs. Van de Kamp..."

Bree: "Open your mouth, I want to smell your breath!"

Heavyset Girl: "It wasn't me! It was Barbie!"

Bree: "Barbie!"