Desperate Housewives - Episode 02.10 - Coming Home

George's House - Daytime

"There were many ways to tell Bree Van De Kamp was a lady."

Police cars and police are all around George's home. Bree is helped out of her car by a police officer.

Bree: "Thank you very much."

"She was courteous to those around her, she moved with elegance and grace."

Bree enters George's house and Detective Barton approaches her.

"And she was very careful to never let others know what she was thinking."

Detective Barton: "Mrs. Van de Kamp, thank you for coming on such short notice."

Bree: "So what's happened? Have you had any luck finding George?"

"You see, like most well-bred women..."

Detective Sloan: "George is dead. He committed suicide last night at a hotel."

"...Bree had something to hide."

Bree: "Oh, um, well, um, it was very good of you to tell me in person, truly."

Detective Barton: "Actually, um, there's, there's more."

Bree: "More?"

Detective Barton takes a package from a police officer and shows it to Bree.

Detective Barton: "Do you recognize this?"

Bree: "Those are my panties. How did you...?"

Detective Sloan: "We assume Mr. Williams stole them."

Bree: "Where did you find them?"

Detective Sloan: "Mr. Williams had a room filled with, um, unsavory items. It was like a shrine."

Bree: "Unsavory items? Well, what does that mean?"

Detective Sloan: "You don't want to know."

Detective Barton: "Just so you're aware, the Daily Tribune is starting to sniff around this story. The editor's a good friend of mine. I'm pretty sure I can quash it, but you might want to tell your family what's going on, just in case."

Several officers walk in, carrying out a life-sized blow-up doll dressed like Bree.

Bree: "What is that?"

Detective Barton: "I am so sorry. You weren't supposed to see that." (to the officer) "Mudge, get that out of here."

Bree: "No, wait! Is that supposed to be me?"

Detective Barton: "Well, it's hard to say."

Bree: "I don't understand. I mean, what would George be doing with a life-sized doll? Oh, dear lord."

Detective Barton (to the officers): "Go ahead."

Bree: "Oh, hold it. What are you gonna do with that?"

Detective Sloan: "Well, until we close the file on Mr. Williams, she's considered evidence. We'll have to take her back to the station."

Detective Barton: "I am so sorry about this, Mrs. Van de Kamp. I know how difficult all this must be."

Bree: "Don't you worry about me, Detective Barton. I will be just fine."

Bree turns and walks outside. The officers carrying the life-sized doll walk out behind her as the neighbors watch.

"Yes, there were many ways to tell that Bree was a lady, but the surest was to watch how she maintained her dignity in even the most undignified of situations."

Opening Credits

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

"It's a story as old as time itself - the return of the prodigal son."

Paul's House - Outside

Zach walks toward his home just as Paul comes outside.

"And no matter how many times it's repeated or how the details might vary..."

Paul looks up and sees Zach. They run toward each other.

"...or how the names might change, the story always ends the same way, in the tender embrace of a loving father."

They embrace.

Zach: "Hi, dad."

Paul's House - Inside

Zach is eating a sandwich.

Paul: "Susan Mayer told me she gave you some money to go to Utah."

Zach: "Yeah, I had no idea where to look for you, though, and the money started to run out, so I thought that maybe you'd come back here."

Paul: "You're a smart kid."

Zach: "Can I ask you something?"

Paul: "Of course. Anything."

Zach: "Well, when you left town, Mrs. Tillman said that my real mother was a junkie from Utah."

Paul: "That's right."

Zach: "So, who's my dad?"

Paul: "I don't know. It could have been anyone."

Betty's House - Outside

Mike approaches and waves to Betty. He hands Betty a paper bag.

Betty: "Thanks for the faucet. This leak is driving me crazy. What do I owe you?"

Mike: "Oh, it's no rush. Just pay me when I install it."

Edie jogs by. Matthew, clipping the hedges, overhears Edie and approaches.

Edie: "Hey, there! Have you seen today's paper?"

Betty: "No, not yet."

Edie: "There's a follow-up on that guy you caught last week." (reading) "Police seek help in identifying the mystery vagrant."

Betty: "They don't know the man's name yet?"

Edie: "They're not even sure that he knows how to talk."

Mike: "Think they're going to hold him in the psych ward until they figure out who he is."

Betty: "Well, I will certainly rest easier knowing that he's not roaming around our neighborhood."

Edie: "See ya!"

She jogs off.

Betty: "Thanks again for the faucet."

Mike: "Sure."

Mike walks away.

Matthew: "What are we gonna do about Caleb?"

Betty: "Obviously, we are going to go and get him."

Monroe's Office

The newspaper with Caleb's picture lies on the desk with a magazine clip filled with bullets. Mr. Monroe packs a small suitcase, picks up the clip, and puts it into the suitcase.

Monroe: "Where are my cuffs?"

Jerry: "Bottom drawer."

Monroe: "Ah."

Jerry: "So, when do I tell people you'll be back?"

Monroe: "Couple, maybe three days. What the hell's this?"

Jerry: "It's the ball gag. I thought you wanted it."

Monroe: "We do not recycle ball gags. Take a look at the teeth marks. It's gross. I'd like to think that we're better than that."

Jerry: "Hey, Monroe? You sure you don't want any help? The guy's dangerous."

Monroe: "He's a half-wit, Jerry. If I can handle you, I can handle him."

Lynette's House - Outside

The ladies are sitting around the porch, having coffee.

Lynette: "So, he poisoned Rex?"

Gabrielle: "Sweet, little George Williams."

Bree: "Well, it turns out he wasn't so sweet after all. Anyway, uh, there's a chance that some of this may wind up in the paper, so I wanted you to hear it from me first."

Susan: "Bree, I'm so sorry."

Lynette: "Yeah, like you haven't been through enough."

Gabrielle: "God, and he's our pharmacist. It's enough to turn you holistic."

Susan: "I know this sounds awful, but I'm kind of glad the guy's dead."

Gabrielle: ""Oh, I hope that little creep suffered."

Bree: "Well, we'll never know."

A station wagon pulls up.

Bree: "That's Andrew back from Camp Hennessey. I've got to go."

Lynette: "Does he know yet?"

Bree: "He hasn't got a clue."

Susan: "How do you think he's gonna react?"

Andrew gets out of the car and waves, then yells out to them.

Andrew: "All right, what the hell is going on? I know you didn't take me out of kid jail for my health."

Bree (to the other women): "I'll get back to you, uh, later."

Bree's House - Inside

Andrew and Bree are in the living room.

Andrew: "So, are the police sure?"

Bree: "Yeah. They found data in George's personal computer and also records at his pharmacy that pretty much proves that he was poisoning your father."

Andrew: "They say why he killed him?"

Bree: "Well, the detective seems to think he was trying to get your father out of the way so he could marry me. Honey, please use your coaster. That's gonna leave a ring."

Andrew: "My father was murdered because of you, so as far as I'm concerned, you no longer get to tell me what to do."

Bree: "Andrew, that is not fair."

Andrew: "You brought that psycho into our house! You sat him down at our table. Just how fair do you expect me to be?"

Bree: "Andrew, George Williams fooled a lot of people."

Andrew: "Yeah, well, he didn't fool me."

Bree: "Andrew, I'm not trying to minimize my part in this. Believe me, I, I hate myself for what's happened."

Andrew: "Good. Now we have something in common. Oh, by the way, I'm gonna call my friend Justin and have him come over and spend the night tonight."

Bree: "Justin? Is he a friend of yours from school or church? What kind of friend is he?"

Andrew: "The real good kind."

Bree: "Andrew, it is inappropriate for you to have somebody over. You just got home."

Andrew: "Like I said, you don't get to tell me what to do anymore."

Andrew walks upstairs.

Susan's House

Susan opens the front door to find Addison standing there.

Susan: "You came!"

Addison: "Did I have a choice?"

Susan: "Well, sure."

Addison: "Because at the hospital you sounded like you were fully prepared to blackmail me into having some kind of a relationship with you."

Susan: "That was just the heat of the moment, and once you get to know me, you'll understand that I am not the kind of person who could ever, ever resort to blackmail."

Addison: "Well, I wish you'd made that clear in the hospital. Could've saved me a trip."

Susan: "So are you coming in?"

Addison: "Well, I got a lunch hour to kill."

Susan shows Addison photo albums in the living room.

Susan: "That was my first Halloween. I was two. What do you think I am?"

Addison: "I don't know."

Susan: "Oh, come on, just guess. You can tell."

Addison: "Uh, a homeless person?"

Susan: "No, Addison, I'm a chicken. See? Those are feathers hanging around."

Addison: "Oh. I thought that was supposed to be trash. Uh, look, are we done here?"

Susan: "You haven't even finished your coffee."

Addison: "I got to get back to work."

Susan: "Oh, well, we, we haven't even finished the high school years. I wanted to show you this one. This was from the father-daughter dance. I had to take my mother's hairstylist."

Addison: "What do you want from me, Susan?"

Susan: "Well, I, I just want to share more than our D.N.A. I, I wanted to have a relationship with you. None of this means anything to you?"

Addison: "I'll take the hobo picture."

Susan: "Actually, it was...fine."

Advertising Agency

Lynette drops a copy of the company insurance policy on Ed's desk.

Ed: "What's this?"

Lynette: "Our company insurance policy. You ever bother to read it?"

Ed: "I'm gonna say no, but don't tell."

Lynette: "We have day care, Ed, day care. Do you realize that since we fired half the staff, you and I have barely left the building? My kids are forgetting who I am."

Ed: "I hear you. I have a seventeen-month-old who I haven't actually seen awake in weeks."

Lynette: "See? All we need is a minimumparticipation of, uh...sixteen kids. My kids, your baby, Sally in accounting has three, that new guy in Human Resources has two and we hit the mother lode with the Mormon receptionist. She just popped out number six. There. Sixteen."

Ed: "Fifteen. My wife won't do it."

Lynette: "Well, maybe if I talked to her."

Ed: "No, I'm telling you, this day care thing is a non-starter. Fran won't even let anyone else hold the baby."

Lynette: "Well, she won't just take some time off for a couple of hours?"

Ed: "Lynette, if I hadn't cut that umbilical cord with my own two hands, I swear they would still be attached. But if you want to try, more power to you."

Church - Inside

Gabrielle storms in.

Gabrielle: "You! What the hell did you do with my husband?"

Sister Mary: "Please restrain yourself, Gabrielle. You're in a house of God."

Gabrielle: "Tell me where he is!"

Sister Mary: "Everywhere, of course."

Gabrielle: "Not God, my husband."

Carlos walks in.

Carlos: "Gaby, what are you doing here?"

Gabrielle: "I was just about to ask you the same thing. You were supposed to meet me at the spa."

Carlos: "I was just helping Sister Mary with the mailings for the fund-raiser. The church is about to send a relief team to Botswana to help with the drought."

Gabrielle: "That's your excuse? We missed side-by-side water massages. I had to book them weeks in advance."

Carlos: "Okay, you missed a massage. It's unfortunate, but there are people dying in Botswana."

Gabrielle: "There are going to be people dying in this church if you don't wipe that patronizing look off your face!"

Carlos: "What is your problem?"

Gabrielle: "Sister Mary, will you excuse us, please?"

Sister Mary: "Certainly."

Sister Mary leaves

Gabrielle: "We are supposed to be working on our marriage, Carlos, but we can't do that as long as our lady of perpetual stick-up-her-butt has you worrying about thirsty orphans."

Carlos: "You're blaming Sister Mary for the tension in our marriage?"

Gabrielle: "She wants us fighting. She wants you to get tired of me and walk out so she can have you all to herself."

Carlos: "That's crazy. She's a nun."

Gabrielle: "She may wear a habit and the beads, but at the end of the day, she is still a woman, just like me, and I know what I'm capable of."

Carlos: "She is a woman, but she is nothing like you."

Carlos walks away.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, where are you going? Carlos!"

Gabrielle walks toward the door and passes Sister Mary.

Sister Mary: "You look tense, Gabrielle. Perhaps you should think about getting a massage."

Police Station

Addison is on the phone.

Addison: "Hi, Susan, it's Addison. Are you there?"

Susan (on the phone): "Hi. Hi, yeah, I'm here."

Addison: "Good. You're home."

Susan: "Uh-huh. What's up?"

Addison: "You know you were saying you wanted to be part of my life?"

Susan: "Yeah."

Addison: "I'm at the police station. I need you to come bail me out."

Later, Susan comes to pick up Addison.

Susan: "Solicitation? You were arrested for solicitation?"

Addison: "It was entrapment. I'm the victim here."

Susan: "But you were with a prostitute."

Addison: "Apparently not. I asked her three times--"are you a cop?" They gotta tell you, but she didn't say "boo." I thought this was America!"

Susan: "Addison, you just got caught paying for sex. Now is not the time to wrap yourself in the flag."

Addison: "Don't give me that look. It wasn't my fault."

Susan: "I'm sorry. How is trying to pick up a hooker not your fault?"

Addison: "I was at the store, I was working on my computer and then, you know, they have these ads? They pop up on the screen and they ask if you want to have a hot date. Well, it gets a fellow worked up."

Susan: "Can't you just go home and have sex with your wife like a normal person?"

Addison: "She's a sixty-eight-year-old woman. That bell stopped ringing for me years ago."

Susan: "Oh, my god. Stop. Right now. I'm gonna go pay this thing."

Addison's House

Susan's car pulls up to the curb.

Addison: "So, uh, am I off the hook now?"

Susan: "What?"

Addison: "This whole father-daughter thing. We're done, right?"

Susan: "Thursday, coffee at two. Be on time."

Addison: "Don't take this the wrong way, but are you dim?"

Susan: "Okay, I didn't exactly love what I found out about you today, but the goal was to learn, not to judge."

Addison: "I bring the coffee. That crap you made burnt a hole in my stomach."

Addison gets out and walks up the street. Carol is in a parked car across the street, watching him. She watches Susan pull away and writes down her license number.

Church Recreation Room

Sister Mary is talking to an audience.

Sister Mary: "This is Tunde. He lost both his parents to this drought. In fact, water is always scarce in Botswana. The national currency is called the Pula or raindrop..."

Father Crowley walks up to Gabrielle standing in the back of the room.

Father Crowley: "Hello, Gabrielle. What brings you here?"

Gabrielle: "I'm concerned about the drought in Kenya."

Father Crowley: "Botswana."

Gabrielle: "Yeah, and you?"

Father Crowley: "Well, I'm organizing this relief trip. We leave in a week."

Gabrielle: "Well, Bon Voyage, Father."

Father Crowley: "I'm not going myself. We had to scale back our relief efforts this year. Even had to cut a few of the aid workers from the trip. Sister Mary, Sister Greta were so disappointed."

Sister Mary passes out flyers to the audience

Sister Mary: "If you just want to hand some of those back..."

Gabrielle: "Sister Mary was going on the trip?"

Father Crowley: "Well, Sister Mary always goes for at least a few months, but when our funding came up short, she graciously offered to step aside, said there's plenty of God's work to do here."

Sister Mary drops some paperwork at Carlos' feet. He helps her pick them up as Gabrielle looks on.

Sister Mary: "Thank you, Carlos. Appreciate it."

Gabrielle watches as Sister Mary pats Carlos gently on the arm.

Gabrielle: "I bet she did. How much cash are you short, Father?"

In the audience, Carlos smiles at Sister Mary as she speaks.

Sister Mary: "We plan to set up a modern system of irrigation."

Father Crowley approaches Sister Mary.

Father Crowley: "I'm sorry to interrupt Sister Mary, but I have an announcement. I have just received a donation of eight thousand dollars, which means that Sister Mary and Sister Greta will be able to join our relief trip to Botswana. It just goes to show angels are everywhere."

He winks at Gabrielle. Sister Mary sees this.

Advertising Agency

Fran walks in pushing a stroller.

Fran: "Hi. I'm here to see Lynette Scavo."

Lynette: "Oh, hi. Excuse me. Hi. I'm Lynette. You must be Fran."

Fran: "Yeah, hi. Ed said you needed to talk to me. I couldn't imagine about what."

Lynette: "Oh, well, come on in my office."

Lynette's Office

Fran: "You want me to put my daughter in day care? But I'm a stay-at-home mom."

Lynette: "I'm not suggesting that you sign her up for all day. Maybe just a couple of hours in the afternoon. Wouldn't that be great? Have some time to yourself, relax, unwind?"

Fran: "I don't need to unwind. I love taking care of little Mindy."

Lynette: "Oh, of course, of course, but we all have days when we're starting to lose it. Wouldn't it be nice to have some place to take her before you want to strangle her?"

Fran: "I cherish every moment I spend with her, truly."

Lynette: "Really? Yeah. Look, I'm gonna level with you. Parcher and Murphy can't have a day care center unless we have at least sixteen kids and without little Mindy, we only have fifteen."

Fran: "Well, that's not my problem."

Lynette: "Okay. Okay. I just thought I'd give it a shot."

Fran: "Well, I wish I could help you, but I can't."

Lynette: "Okay."

Fran: "Lynette."

Lynette: "Yeah."

Fran: "Can I ask you something?"

Lynette: "Yeah."

Fran: "Why did you have kids if you weren't gonna raise them?"

Lynette: "Excuse me?"

Fran: "Well, I just don't understand women who say they want to be mothers, but then hand their kids over to glorified babysitters."

Lynette: "I work because my family needs me to."

Fran: "Oh, dear, I've upset you, and that wasn't my intention."

Lynette: "I bet. Make no mistake, I'm a good mother."

Fran: "That's the difference between us. I couldn't settle for being a good mother. I want to be a great one. Bye-bye."