Desperate Housewives - Episode 02.16 - There Is No Other Way

Mary Alice's Living Room

Paul dials the phone with a newspaper on his lap.

"What made my husband Paul Young such a good investor was his uncanny ability to anticipate the future..."

Flashback - Mary Alice's Living Room

Mary Alice with a young Zach in the living room. Mary Alice is trying to unknot Zach's tennis shoe. Paul is in the kitchen.

Mary Alice: "Zach, how did you do this?"

Paul watches and smiles as Mary Alice struggles with the knot in Zach's shoe.

"He foresaw the necessity of the Velcro shoe."

Flashback - Mary Alice's Kitchen

Paul watches as Mary Alice mixes ingredients to make coffee.

"He predicted the advent of the $3.00 cup of coffee."

Flashback - Mary Alice's Kitchen

Paul watches as Mary Alice pours water into a thermos.

"He even anticipated the surprising boom in bottled water."

Present Day - Mary Alice's House

Paul is reading the paper and talking on the phone.

Paul: "Yeah, it's Paul Young. I've been reading about the election results in Brazil. It's time to buy sugar."

"But the crystal ball that served Paul so well in the stock market sometimes failed him closer to home."

Paul gets up to answer a knock on the door. Eugene is on the porch.

Eugene: "Paul Young?"

Paul: "Yeah."

Eugene: "Eugene. You need to come downtown for questioning."

Paul: "About what?"

Eugene: "We're investigating reports of credit card fraud and your name has been linked with several of the victims."

Paul: "Well, it must be some mistake."

Eugene: "Could be. But we still need to go downtown and straighten it out."

Paul: "All right."

Zach: "How long is this gonna take?"

Paul: "Don't worry about it. It's just a mix-up."

Outside Mary Alice's House - Nighttime

Eugene walks Paul to his car. Paul sees Felicia get out of her car and walk to her door with groceries. They stop and stare at each other.

Eugene: "Let's go."

Felicia watches as the detective takes Paul away.

Police Station

Eugene is booking Paul.

Paul: "What's going on? I thought you just wanted to ask me some questions."

Eugene: "That's after you're booked."

Paul: "Booked? Booked for what?"

Uniformed Officer: "You can't book him here anyhow, Detective. Computers are down. We're all full up. You gotta take him down to County."

Eugene handcuffs Paul.

Paul: "What is going on? This is crazy. I wanna call my lawyer. What the hell do you guys think you're doing anyway? Huh?"

Police Station Parking Garage

A uniformed officer is leading a handcuffed Paul to the police van.

Paul: "This is ridiculous. I get a phone call!"

The officer pushes Paul into the van and locks the doors.

"Yes, in the world of investments, my husband had a remarkable ability to see the future."

Inside the van are two prisoners dressed in orange prison jumpsuits.

Prisoner: "Got a message for you, Paul Young. Dierdre's father said to give you his regards."

The prisoner pulls a knife out of his boot and attacks Paul.

"But sadly, Paul didn't see this one coming at all."

Opening Credits

Bree's Kitchen

"Bree Van de Kamp had a weekly routine she'd been following for years."

Bree crosses off a day on a calendar posted on the wall.

Flashback - Bree's Kitchen

"She cleaned on Tuesdays."

Bree sweeps her kitchen.

Flashback - Bree's Dining Room

"She paid her bills on Wednesdays."

Bree at her dining room table paying bills.

Bree's Laundry Room

"She did her laundry on Thursdays."

Bree is doing laundry.

Present Day - Bree's Dining Room

Bree waters the flowers on her dining room table.

"And after these daily chores were completed, she would reward herself with a little drink."

She walks to her couch with a wine glass in her hand. As she reaches the couch, she sees through her friends talking together outside the window.

"What Bree didn't know was this latest addition to her routine had been noticed by her friends. And it had now become part of their routine to discuss it."

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

Bree looks out her window and sees Susan, Gabrielle and Lynette are standing by Lynette's car talking.

Lynette: "So, apparently Bree had a few too many and passed out. Next thing I know, I get a call at work. Someone found my kids wandering the street."

Gabrielle: "Oh, my god!"

Susan: "Have you seen Bree since?"

Lynette: "No. I'm worried about her but I don't know how I'm gonna get over what she did."

Bree watches as Lynette drives off to work. Bree comes out of her house and approaches Susan and Gabrielle.

Susan: "Hey, Bree. How you doing today?"

Bree: "I'm really well. Um, I just saw you all talking before Lynette went off to work. What were you all talking about?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, nothing, really. Carlos and I are gonna go see the adoptioncounselor today."

Susan: "I'm checking myself into the hospital. I'm finally gonna get that surgery."

Bree: "Oh. Good for you. Did Lynette mention the little tiff we had?"

Susan: "Just in passing."

Gabrielle: "She barely mentioned it."

Bree: "Because what happened was I accidentally mixed my antihistamine medication with, you know, a little glass of wine I was having, and I, I fell asleep, you know, while I was watching her kids. I mean, I like a little wine with dinner, I mean, now and then. You know, who doesn't? But, uh, I mean, you know, to trash my entire reputation."

Susan: "Oh, Bree, she didn't trash you. Honest."

Bree: "Well, good. I mean, I just, I really wouldn't want you to get the wrong impression. Well, I'm, I'm, uh, going to the mall. They're having a white sale today. I think I'm gonna get a new bath mat. Oh, does anyone need one?"

Gabrielle: "No, I'm good. "

Bree: "Okay, take care."

Bree walks away.

Gabrielle: "Wow, did you smell the alcohol on her breath?"

Susan: "I sure did."

Gabrielle sighs.

Advertising Agency

Tom is presenting a pitch to the staff.

Tom: "Then our Eskimo turns in the camera and says, 'Polar fresh mints will give your breath an A-plus too.' So what do you think?"

Lynette: "It feels a little familiar."

Tom: "Really? I don't think so."

Lynette: "No, I'm pretty sure the Lowell group used Eskimos in a deodorant commercial they had last month. Remember?"

Tom: "Oh, this is completely different. Those were jock Eskimos competing in the Iditarod. Our Eskimo's trying to, you know, patch things up with his wife."

Lynette: "Yeah. No, I get the subtle distinction. I think we can do better. Okay? So, Sally, you're up. What do you got for me?"

Lynette's Office

Tom: "Hey."

Lynette: "Hey."

Tom: "I got the subtle distinction? What was that about?"

Lynette: "If you really wanna do this now, shut the door. Okay, sure, I was a little bitchy. But you know why? You did a half-ass job in there."

Tom: "Hey, you may not like my idea, but you can't say I didn't work hard."

Lynette: "Oh, please. I live with you. Last night, when you should've been trying to make that pitch work, you were watching the game."

Tom: "I wasn't watching the game."

Lynette: "I saw you!"

Tom: "What, okay, now I can't check the score?"

Lynette: "Are you saying you gave your heart and soul to that Eskimo pitch?"

Tom: "I worked really hard on that pitch."

Lynette: "Did you give it a hundred percent? Well. Exactly. So? Big deal. Go work up some new ideas and then we'll go over it during lunch. Okay?"

Tom: "You're the boss."

Lynette: "Yes, I am."

Hospital Room

Susan is lying in bed, reading. Dr. Ron and Dr. Cunningham come in. Dr. Cunnigham has his right arm in a cast.

Dr. Ron: "Hey."

Dr. Cunningham: "Susan. Good to see you again. I'm really looking forward to your surgery."

Susan: And I'm really hoping you're a lefty."

Dr. Cunningham: "Nope. I can't even write my name. But that's what I get for throwing my kid a roller-skating party."

Susan: "Funny. So, what about my surgery?"

Dr. Cunningham: "Oh, I'll still do it. With Dr. Ron's help, of course."

Dr. Ron: "Dr. Cunningham will be standing right beside me. With my hands and his brain, you got the best parts of both of us."

Susan: "Then I'm on board."

Dr. Cunningham: "We're keeping you under observation, so, hopefully, we'll operate tomorrow."

Dr. Ron: "Uh, if you don't mind, I'd like a minute to consult with my patient."

Dr. Cunningham: "Oh! Right, your, um, little thing."

Susan: "What little thing?"

Dr. Ron: "Um, well, it was, it was gonna be a surprise, but..."

He turns and coughs and Nurse Hisel walks in carrying a large vase of red and yellow roses.

Susan: "Oh, my god, they're beautiful."

Dr. Ron: "Um, look, I've been thinking about us a lot lately. About putting this operation behind us, and where we'll go from there. Our future, together. And I really suck at putting my emotions into words, which is, um, it's why I wrote it all down. There's a card."

Susan: "Oh."

Dr. Ron: "Uh, but you can't read it. Not, not while I'm here anyway. It's way, way too stressful. Um, I am going to go now."

Dr. Ron kisses Susan and leaves the room. Susan picks up the card and reads it to herself.

Susan: "Wow. Wow."

Nurse Hisel: "Oh, he's so romantic. May I?"

She reaches for the card.

Susan: "Oh, it's sort of private."

Nurse Hisel: "Well, I did help him pick out the flowers."

Susan: "Oh. Um, okay. There's more on the back."

Adoption Agency

Carlos and Gabrielle are with an adoptioncounselor.

Gabrielle: "So, how does this work? Do we flip through a catalog or something?"

Rhoda: "I wish it was that easy. You have to understand for every baby, there are ten couples who want it. You don't choose your child. The birth mother chooses you."

Gabrielle: "Really?"

Carlos: "So what do you think our chances are? We will do anything that we need to do."

Rhoda: "Well, your typical birth mother is usually a young girl and she'll just wanna make sure you're quality people. Now to show her that you'll be putting together a parent portfolio."

Carlos: "What's that?"

Rhoda: "Family pictures, character references, that kind of stuff."

Gabrielle: "So, um, we're auditioning to be parents?"

Rhoda: "I guess you could say that."

Gabrielle: "So just to be clear, some slutty cheerleader gets knocked up by the soccer coach behind the local gas 'n gulp, and she is going to make sure we're quality people?"

Carlos: "You don't need to answer that."

Bree's Back Yard

Bree is reading the paper drinking a glass of wine.

Andrew: "You know, you don't have to hide it from me."

Bree: "Hmm?"

Andrew: "The drinking. It doesn't bother me."

Bree: "Oh, I wasn't hiding anything. I was simply, ah, enjoying the day. What you want?"

Andrew: "Well, um, Mason was my ride to school. And his dad's moving them to Tucson so..."

Bree: "Oh, well, if you need a ride to school, I'm happy to drive you."

Andrew: "No, that's not what I want. I want a car."

Bree: "Well, then I suggest you get a job."

Andrew: "Why should I have to go work my ass off at some fast food place when I can already afford what I want?"

Bree: "Andrew, we're not touching your trust fund."

Andrew: "It's my money."

Bree: "Not until you're twenty-one. And if I had my way, you wouldn't get your hands on it until you're fifty. I mean, we both know you're gonna waste every penny of it."

Andrew: "Why are you being like this?"

Bree: "Because, sweetheart, it is my job to teach you about responsibility, setting goals, delayed gratification."

Andrew: "What do you know about delayed gratification? It's not even noon, yet you're already on your third glass of wine."

Bree: "You know, on second thought, I won't be driving you to school. The walk will do you good."

Andrew: "Mom, I'm not kidding around. I want my money."

Bree: "The answer is no."

Andrew: "Well, aren't we a mean old drunk?"

Bree slaps Andrew.

Andrew: "Whatever that was supposed to teach me, consider the lesson learned."

Hospital Room

Susan wakes up to find Karl laughing as he reads her card from Dr. Ron.

Susan: "What are you doing here?"

Karl: "I'm just enjoying the silky smooth moves of Dr. Ron. Or should I say, 'Dr. Love?'"

Susan: "Give me that."

Karl: "This is my favorite." (reading the card) "'I can't wait to be in the operating room with you so I can touch your heart because you've already touched mine so deeply.'"

Susan: "Okay, that part sounds better when you don't read it out loud. And what are you doing reading it anyway? Those are Dr. Ron's private thoughts."

Karl: "Yeah, I got that. You know, I sense that he really likes you, Susie."

Susan: "So?"

Karl: "So, do you really like him?"

Susan: "Of course I do. He's smart and funny and kind."

Karl: "Smart, funny, kind. I don't hear the word love in there."

Susan: "Well, that's a big word. We just started dating, and we have a connection, and I'm gonna follow it through and see where it goes."

Karl: "Oh, I get it. You're gonna string him along 'till you feel something you don't and waste the next five years of your life."

Susan: "As opposed to the twelve I wasted on you? Why are we talking about this? I don't recall asking you your opinion."

Karl: "Because we're married and I have certain rights and one of them is the right to badger you."

Susan: "Okay, you know, you can leave now."

Karl: "I wish I could MRI your soul."

Susan: "Out! It's not funny."

Karl leaves and bumps into Nurse Hisel.

Karl: "Hey, watch out for my wife. She's on a tear."

Gabrielle's Living Room

Gabrielle and Carlos are sitting on the floor with pictures spread all around them.

Gabrielle: "Oh, here's one we took on vacation."

Carlos: "Gaby, these pictures have to be wholesome. They gotta say 'these people will do a great job raising a child.'"

Gabrielle: "So?"

Carlos: "So, you're topless."

Gabrielle: "Yeah, but it's St. Barts and your hands are covering my naughty parts."

Carlos: "Do you mean the hand that's holding the tequila shot, or the one that's holding the Cuban cigar?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah, that was a good trip."

Carlos: "Gaby!"

Gabrielle: "Fine. We won't use it."

Carlos: "We can't use any of 'em. Every single picture of the two of us, we're either drinking or smoking or naked."

Gabrielle: "So we like to have fun. I mean, who doesn't understand that better than an unwed, knocked-up teenager?"

Carlos: "This is serious. If we can't sell ourselves as good people..."

Gabrielle: "Well, then we'll just have to find someone who can do it for us."

Lynette's Porch

Gabrielle and Carlos are at Lynette's door.

Lynette: "So you want me to, uh, pitch you as parents?"

Gabrielle: "You're in advertising. You can do it. Just write us a character reference saying we're great with kids. Oh, this is for you."

She hands Lynette a bottle of wine.

Lynette: "Oh. Well, you don't have to bribe me. We're all friends here."

Gabrielle: "Keeping that in mind, would it also be okay if we were your kids' godparents?"

Lynette: "Oh! Uh, I guess."

Gabrielle: "Great and can we take some fake pictures to document it?"

Lynette: "I don't suppose you brought a corkscrew?"

Mary Alice's House

Zach is on the phone on the porch.

Zach: "You didn't have a warrant and if you don't arrest him, then you gotta tell me what he wants."

Felicia is standing in front of the Young house with a cup of coffee when Mike walks up.

Felicia: "Hello, Mike."

Mike: "Felicia, what are you doing here?"

Felicia: "Oh, I left in such a rush. There was a lot of old business I forgot to wrap up."

Mike: "Well, it must be pretty important business. Gets you to move back in next door to the man you think murdered your sister."

Felicia: "It's funny you should mention Paul. You know, the police came and took him away last night."

Mike: "The police?"

Felicia: "And from the way they were manhandling him, ooh, I don't think he'll be back anytime soon."

Mike looks over and sees Zach on the phone.

Zach: "No, I just wanna talk to him, that's all..."

Mike's House

Mike is talking on the phone with Noah.

Mike: "What the hell's going on?"

Noah: "It's none of your concern, Mike."

Mike: "You listen to me, if anything happens to Paul Young..."

Noah: "It already happened. Hours ago."

Mike: "He's dead?"

Noah: "Like I said, it's none of your concern."

Mike: "Maybe you don't get it, Noah. You screwed up. You just killed the most important person in your grandson's life. Do you think he's gonna have anything to do with you once he finds out? And believe me, I'll make sure he finds out."

Mike hangs up and takes an gun out of the cupboard.

Lynette's Dining Room

The family is having dinner.

Tom: "So, honey, the meat loaf. It's, um, it's a little burnt."

Lynette: "Oh, right, I was talking to Susan on the phone and I left it in a little longer than I should've. Sorry."

Tom: "It's okay."

He sighs.

Lynette: "Is it that bad?"

Tom: "No. No, not bad at all."

Lynette: "Oh, good. Parker, don't put your elbows on the table. Come on."

Tom: "But you'd agree it wasn't your best effort."

Lynette: "Huh?"

Tom: "The meal, the task you agreed to take on. You'd agree that you didn't give it a hundred percent, right?"

Lynette: "Tom, if you're gonna make a point, why don't you do it now before I hurl the plate at you?"

Tom: "Nobody gives a hundred percent of his effort all the time because they can't. It is impossible. You do the best you can with the time and energy you have."

Lynette: "Stop right there. This is meat loaf. Your presentation was business."

Tom: "You're saying the client deserves more effort than your own family?"

Lynette: "Okay. So, if I apologize for upsetting you at work, can we get past it and enjoy our meal?"

Tom: "Absolutely."

Lynette: "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am sorry."

Tom: "Thanks."

Lynette: "So, boys, how do you enjoy the meat loaf?"

Parker: "It's a little salty."

Preston: "Yeah."

Lynette: "Just eat it."

Wisteria Lane Park - Nighttime

Andrew and Justin are sitting on a bench. Andrew puts a large ring on Justin's finger.

Andrew: "There. Perfect. All right."

They stand and Justin hits Andrew in the face with the ring, knocking him down. Andrew stands up.

Andrew: "All right, one more time."

Justin: "What?"

Andrew: "Yeah."

Justin: "Dude, I don't wanna mess up your face."

Andrew: "Do you love me?"

Justin nods.

Andrew: "Then do what I tell you."

Justin punches him again.

Lynette's Bedroom

Lynette and Tom are getting ready for bed.

Tom: "Rough day."

Lynette: "Yeah. I wonder if there's any way that we can turn it around still."

Tom: "Good question. But, what to do? What to do?"

Lynette: "Yeah."

They begin kissing and rolling on the bed. They roll and Lynette attempts to push Tom on his back when Tom pushes her away.

Lynette: "Hi! What's up?"

Tom: "Why do you keep trying to do that?"

Lynette: "What?"

Tom: "Trying to get on top."

Lynette: "Of you? No, I'm not."

Tom: "You were pushing on me like you were trying to sack me. I felt it."

Lynette: "Are you serious? Tom, I wasn't doing anything. I was just going for it. I was just lost in the moment. Oh, come on! Come on, this is silly. I don't wanna argue. I mean, unless it turns you on. Does it? 'Cause then I'm all about it, baby."

Tom: "Come here."

They begin kissing and rolling around on the bed again.

Tom: "What, what was that?"

Lynette: "What was what?"

Tom: "You were bracing. You were bracing with your leg. I was trying to lie on top of you, and you were bracing yourself against the mattress so you didn't have to get on your back. Try and deny it. Try and deny it. You can't."