Desperate Housewives - Episode 02.09 - That's Good, That's Bad

Bree's House

"Anyone who'd ever been to a party at Bree Van de Kamp's thought of her as the perfect hostess because Bree knew how to take care of her guests. Her dinners were always served promptly."

Flashback to Bree serving dinner to a guest.

"Her liquor always flowed freely."

Flashback to Bree pouring wine for her guests.

"And her anecdotes were always enjoyable."

Flashback to Bree's guest laughing at a story Bree is telling.

"But on this night, the perfect hostess was about to find herself...

Bree's House Present Nighttime

Bree is serving coffee to her guests around her dining room table.

Female Guest: "Shhh. Where's that music coming from?"

"on a very imperfect predicament."

Singing from outside can be heard.

Bree: "Ah, I'm not sure."

Bree walks to the window. Upon opening the curtain, she sees George singing into a microphone. A loud speaker on top of a van parked behind him is amplifying his voice and the music.

George (singing): "Don't give up on us, baby. We're still worth one more try."

Bree angrily closes the curtains. Calmly, she turns to her guests. George's singing can be heard in the background.

Bree: "If you'll excuse me for just one minute."

George (singing): "I know we put a last on by."

Bree leaves the room and goes outside.

Bree's House - Outside

Bree faces George.

George (singing): "Just for a rainy evening."

Bree: "George! I have guests! What do you think you are doing?"

George: "We had a tiff. I upset you and now I'm just trying to make things right again."

Bree: "It was not a tiff! We broke up! It's over!"

George (singing): "We can still come through!"

Bree: "I am not kidding. If you do not knock it off, I'm going to call the police!"

George: "All right, go ahead. (singing) "I really lost my head last night!"

He stops singing and yells into the microphone as Bree walks away.

George: "Call the police! If they drag me away, I'm only gonna come right back here. I want you to hear the whole medley! Come on!"

Bree enters her house to find all of her guests standing in the doorway of the dining room watching her.

Bree: "Why don't you all take your seats? Uh, dessert is about to be served."

Her guests go back to the dining room. Bree rushes upstairs.

In her bedroom, Bree pulls a long case out from under her bed. A shotgun and shells are in the case. She loads one shotgun shell and cocks the shotgun one-handed. She walks to the window.

George (singing): "I really lost my head last night. You've got a right to...;

George sees Bree at the window, aiming the shotgun toward him. He freezes. Bree shoots the speaker off the top of the van. Her guests inside are startled by the gun shot. George stares toward Bree in disbelief.

"Yes, Bree knew how to take care of her guests. Especially those who weren't invited."

Bree smiles down at a shocked George.

Opening Credits

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

A young boy dressed as a cowboy with a white hat peeks out from behind a bush.

"Good guys wear white hats and bad guys wear black."

Another little boy peeks out from a different bush wearing a black hat. They both come out and start shooting each other with their toy guns.

"This is how children distinguish between good and evil."

The little boy in the black hat pretends to be shot and falls down.

"But they soon learn that bad guys always don't look so bad."

They get up as George comes riding by on a blue bike. George waves and they wave back.

"And sometimes they seem downright friendly. That is until you get to know them a little bit better."

George continues up to Bree's house. Bree is walking to her car. George stops beside her.

George: "Hey, fancy seeing you here. I was just out for a little ride."

Bree: "Don't lie to me, George. You've been riding up and down this street for the last hour."

George: "I don't want to do this, Bree, but you won't return any of my phone calls."

Bree: "So stalking me is plan B?"

Bree gets into her car. George gets off the bike and goes to her car window.

George: "Bree, I know I messed up. I know I got some issues to work on, but I'd be willing to see a therapist if that's what you want. I'll do anything but how can I show you that I, I can change if you don't give me a second chance? Come on. You know I'm not a bad person."

Bree: "I do know that, but I'm just not sure you're a good one, either."

Bree starts her car and drives away quickly.

Advertising Agency

Lynette is making a presentation in the conference room to Nina and Ed. Her staff is also there.

Lynette: "And we integrated the corporate logo into the jungle background creating not only an ad for the clothing, but for the company, itself."

Ed: "I don't get it."

Lynette: "What, um, don't you get?"

Ed: "The whole idea just kinda makes my head hurt." (to Nina) "Is it just me?"

Nina: "No, nuh uh. You're right, it stinks."

Ed: "Sorry guys. Back to the drawing board. Well, I got tickets to a game." (to Nina) "Nina, you do whatever you have to do to keep us afloat here."

Nina: "Got it."

Ed leaves the room.

Nina: "Looks like it going to be another late night at the office. Nice work, everybody. Thank you."

Lynette: "Could you can the attitude, Nina?"

Nina: "I'm sorry, what did you just say?"

Lynette: "You're being rude and it's totally out of line. You know how hard we all worked on this."

Nina: "Yeah, I do."

Lynette: "Nina, I think I speak for everyone here when I say we are sick and tired of your abuse. Frankly, you owe us an apology."

Nina: "Is, is this true? I mean, I would be mortified if I thought that I hurt any of you. If anybody feels like I owe them an apology, please speak up. You? You? You? Gee, Lynette, I guess you were mistaken. All right, let's recap, shall we? Stinky pitch, working late, no apologies."

Nina leaves the room.

Lynette: "Guys, we talked about this. What happened to standing up for ourselves?"

Stu enters carrying a basket of muffins.

Stu: "Hot muffins! Any takers?"

Lynette: "No, Stu! These people don't deserve muffins."

All the staff members bow their heads.

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle comes in carrying a shopping bag. The phone rings.

Gabrielle: "Hello."

Man's Voice: "Hello. My name is Mark Martinez. Uh, I'm the assistant warden down at Fairview County Jail. Is Mrs. Solis available?"

Gabrielle: "Uh, yeah, this is her. Did, did something happen with Carlos?"

Man's Voice: "At seven forty-three this morning, your husband held two guards at gunpoint and successfully escaped."

Gabrielle: "He what?"

Man's Voice: "I take it you had no prior knowledge he had planned to do this."

Gabrielle: "No, of course not! He's a moron!"

Man's Voice: "We have every reason to believe your husband may come to find you. We believe him to be armed and very, very horny."

Carlos walks into the room, talking on the phone.

Gabrielle: "What?"

Carlos: "Surprise, baby. I got paroled early."

Gabrielle: "It's so good to see you!"

Gabrielle runs into his arms. Carlos picks her up.

Gabrielle: "What happened?"

Carlos: "Well, there's this church group that helps out Catholic prisoners and they really, really stepped up for me."

Gabrielle: "Well, what did they do?"

Carlos: "They lobbied the Parole Board and it worked."

Gabrielle: "Mmm. I guess I owe the Pope a thank you note."

Carlos: "Uh, less talking, more stripping."

Carlos pulls off his tie. Gabrielle begins to undress.

Outside Prudy's Feed Store ?Daytime

Susan and Julie pull up in their car.

Julie: "Ah. Prudy's Feed Store."

Susan: "Apparently he owns the place."

Julie: "How are you gonna do it?"

Susan: "What do you mean?"

Julie: "I mean, how are you gonna tell him that you're his daughter?"

Susan: "Oh, I'm not. Julie, the man abandoned me before I was born. I don't have a desire to have a relationship with him."

Julie: "Okay, then I'm really confused why we're here spying on him."

Susan: "I just want to see what he's like. And satisfy my curiosity and get it out of my system."

Inside Prudy's Feed Store

Susan enters. Addison Prudy is helping a customer.

Addison: "Well, here you go. Now, you tell Charlie that Addison Prudy says drop in some time. I miss that ugly mug of his around here."

Customer: "I will."

The customer leaves the store.

Addison (to Susan): "I bet I know what you're here for."

Susan: "Oh?"

Addison: "You heard about the give-a-way. Well, I got the cowboy hats right here."

Susan: "Oh, oh, no. That's okay, you don't have to give me anything, really."

Addison: "Relax. This is a promotional item. Didn't cost me a dime."

Addison brings a black cow bow hat over and puts it on Susan.

Addison: "There you go. Pretty as a picture."

Later, Susan comes running out of the feed store wearing the hat. She gets in her car.

Susan: "I have a Dad! He's great! He gave me a hat!"

Susan laughs and Julie smiles.

Gabrielle's House

Carlos and Gabrielle are in bed.

Gabrielle: "Wow. That biting thing at the end totally blew my mind. Please tell me you didn't learn that in prison."

Carlos: "Yeah, I didn't."

Carlos rolls over and closes his eyes.

Gabrielle: "Wait! I'm not done with you yet."

Carlos: "Just give me ten minutes, please."

Gabrielle: "What is wrong with you? You are totally useless after sex."

Carlos: "I know. I should probably get my thyroid checked out."

Gabrielle gets out of bed and picks up the plastic bag Carlos brought back from prison. She pulls out some letters.

Gabrielle: "Who is Sister Mary Bernard?"

Carlos: "Hey, those are private, gimme!"

Gabrielle moves out of reach.

Carlos: "She's this nun, okay? She visited me in prison a couple times. She's part of the group that got me early release. So now can I please have my them back."

Gabrielle reads the letter out loud.

Gabrielle: "'When you walk with God everyday, you learn that Truth is understood in the Mind, but Faith burns in the Heart'?"

Gabrielle laughs. Carlos grabs the letter.

Carlos: "You don't know what it was like in there. All right? Twenty hours a day, eight by ten cell, just you and your mind."

Gabrielle: "So pretty much just you."

Carlos: "It forces you to re-examine everything. I was a very bad person for a very long time. But now all that is gonna change. Because I'm on a new path."

Gabrielle: "A new path?"

Carlos: "I am going to live a virtuous life. I want to do right by you, by my mama, and by my God."

Gabrielle: "What the hell did they do to you in that prison?"

Bree's House - Daytime

Lynette is dealing cards to Susan (with cowboy hat on), Gabrielle, Bree, and Edie.

Lynette: "All right. This is my last hand, then I gotta go."

Bree: "Already?"

Lynette: "I left a proposal on my desk at work. I have to go over it tonight, or you-know-who's gonna have my head."

Everyone: "Nina!"

Bree: "You know this gainful employment thing is really starting to cut into our social life."

Lynette: "Well, if one of you would just agree to raise my kids, I wouldn't need a job. Any takers?"

Edie laughs.

Lynette: "Yeah, no, I didn't think so. Ante up."

Edie: "Speaking of child abandonment, when are you gonna tell your father that he has a bouncing middle-aged baby girl?"

Susan: "Soon. I don't wanna ambush him. I'm gonna ease into it."

Gabrielle: "How do you ease into, Hi, I'm your illegitimate daughter'?"

Susan: "Well actually, there's a help wanted' sign in the window so I was thinking about getting a job there. And, you know, he would get to know me and I'm sure he would like me and I would like him, and then one day he would say, you're like the daughter I never had' and I'd say, Hell actually, now that you've mentioned it.'"

Edie: "Okay, I'll go first. That is the most idiotic plan I've ever heard of."

Susan: "Why?"

Edie: "Because it all hinges on him responding to your personality. And let's face it, you are an acquired taste."

Lynette: "Edie! I am sure Susan's father will like her just fine."

Susan: "Thank you."

Bree: "I just hope you don't expect too much from this relationship. I mean aside from DNA, you might find that you don't have that much in common."

Susan: "I know. But I gotta find out if there's something there. I've always wanted a dad. I mean, I know not having one affected me."

Gabrielle: "Of course it did. Everyone needs a strong male role model."

Edie: "No, they don't. I grew up without a father and it didn't affect me one bit."

Lynette: "Edie, how old were you when you lost your virginity?"

Edie: "Point well taken."

Advertising Agency Late Nighttime

Lynette comes into a darkened, empty office. She goes into her office and picks up a notebook off her desk. Across the hall, she sees Stu, wearing only his boxer shorts, running into Nina's office, carrying two bottles.

Stu: "Hey, look what I found in Ed's fridge."

Lynette quietly walks over to Nina's door.

Nina: "Oh. Oh."

Lynette peeks in the room and sees Nina, almost naked, on her desk, with Stu on top of her. Nina moans.

Then she opens her eyes and sees Lynette standing in the doorway.

Advertising Agency - Daytime

Lynette walks in.

Lynette: "Hey, Stu."

She walks over the coffee table where Nina is standing.

Lynette: "And Nina!"

Nina: "Hey, Lynette. Can I, um, see you for a second?"

Lynette: "Sure."

They go into Lynette's office.

Lynette: "Tsk, tsk, tsk. Having sex with the support staff. That's a big no-no. Ed's been known to fire people for that sort of thing."

Nina: "Lynette, I know that we've had our little differences. But, at the core, I believe that we are both good people, both smart women who are just trying to make it in this vicious male dominated jungle. Okay, what do you want? Do you want a raise? Want a better office?"

Lynette: "My demands are simple. I want you to be nicer."

Nina: "What?"

Lynette: "No more belittling, berating, rude sarcasm."

Nina: "And in exchange I get your silence?"

Lynette: "Yeah. Pretty sweet deal, don't you think?"

Nina: "Ah, I'll see what I can do."

Lynette: "Great!"

Nina: "Okay."

Lynette: "And I'm gonna take your parking space."

Nina: "Hmm?"

Lynette: "I kid the Nina!"

Nina laughs and walks out.

Gabrielle's House - Daytime

Carlos is dressed in a suit, drinking coffee in the kitchen when Gabrielle walks in, wearing a robe.

Gabrielle: "You're up early."

Carlos: "I'm going to Mass."

Gabrielle: "Huh?"

Carlos: "Yeah."

Gabrielle: "But it's not even Sunday."

Carlos: "They have a Mass every day of the week."

Gabrielle: "Really? When did they start doing that?"

A horn honks outside.

Carlos: "That's Sister Mary Bernard. Did you see where I put my Bible?"

Gabrielle walks to the front door and looks out the window. There is a beautiful blonde lady standing by the car outside.

Carlos comes back downstairs with his Bible. Gabrielle blocks his way.

Carlos: "What?"

Gabrielle: "I saw your nun!"

Carlos: "So?"

Gabrielle: "So, she's hot! She's a hot nun!"

Carlos: "You can't seriously be jealous."

Gabrielle: "You mean to tell me that this miraculousconversion of yours has nothing to do with fact that the woman standing outside is a knock out?"

Carlos: "That's what I'm telling you."

Carlos leaves. Sister Mary waves to Gabrielle.

Advertising Agency - Daytime

Lynette walks in. A new receptionist waves at her.

Pat: "Um. Who are you here to see?"

Lynette: "I'm Lynette Scavo. I work here. Who are you?"

Pat: "Pat. It's my first day."

Lynette: "Oh. Well, welcome. What happened to Stu?"

Later, Lynette enters Nina's office.

Lynette: "You fired Stu?"

Nina: "Oh, Lynette. Hey. Come on in."

Lynette: "I can't believe you would sink so low. I'm going to Ed."

Nina: "Ed knows. This, this is Stu's employee evaluation file, right here. This thing is full of black marks."

Lynette: "Come on, Nina, we both know why you got rid of him."

Nina: "Well, good luck proving it. Oh! And on a completely unrelated topic, there's gonna be another round of firings coming down the pike. Ed's been after me to trim the fat."

Lynette: "You threatening me?"

Nina: "No! No, uh-uh. It's just that it's gonna be my job to evaluate those that are team players and those who are not. Just a little heads up. Just trying to be nice."

Prudy's Feed Store - Daytime

Addison: "I don't know, you seem kinda over-qualified."

Susan: "Why, cause I went to college?"

Addison: "No, because you finished high school."

Susan: "Well, I just want to change my life and every since I was a little girl I've always liked horses and the outdoors. Well, I'm just fascinated with feed."

Addison: "Well, I suppose we can give you a try. What? Something on my nose?"

Susan: "Oh, no. I was just looking at the color of your eyes."

Addison: "You were?"

Susan: "Yeah. They're just like mine. They're, they're nice."

Addison: "Carol sent you to test me, didn't she?"

Susan: "What? Who's Carol?"

Addison: "You go back and tell my wife if a private detective couldn't fool me, well, you're not gonna either."

Susan: "I don't know what you're talking about. I just came in to get a job."

Addison: "A cute little thing like you struts in here, flirts with an old codger like me, how dumb do you think I am? Hey, look at you. Your pretty hair, you gotta sexy walk, you gotta tight little ass!"

Susan: "Oh! I'm your daughter!"

Addison: "What?"

Susan: "Back in the sixties, you had a brief relationship with a young girl, Sophie Bremmer. She got pregnant and had a baby and that baby was me. Which makes you my father. Hi."

A very stunned Addison walks toward the back of the feed store. Susan follows.

Susan: "Mr. Prudy, I'm sorry. I didn't want to spring it on you like this. Where are you going? You see when I found out you were alive, and, and that we both lived in the same city, I just wanted to meet you."

Addison goes in the back room and closes the door.

Susan: "Mr. Prudy!"

She knocks on the door.

Susan: "Mr. Prudy. Hello."

Susan enters the back room.

Susan: "Hello!"

Mr. Prudy is laying on the ground, unconscious.

Fairview County Hospital

Dr. Goldfine is in traction with a broken leg and broken arm .

Dr. Goldfine: "And knock wood, the doctors say I'll keep improving, slowly but surely. So, how are you?"

Bree: "Good, good. Seeing friends. I just started co-chairing a charity event for the Junior League and um, and I broke up with George."

Dr. Goldfine: "Really?"

Bree: "Dr. Goldfine, do you ever really cure people, I mean, even though they're really crazy?"