Desperate Housewives - Episode 02.14 - Silly People

Maxine Bennett's House - Daytime

Maxine opens her front door, greeting several ladies.

"Once a month, the crème de la crème of Fairview society would attend a semi-formal luncheon at the home of Maxine Bennett."

Maxine's Dining Room

Women sit at the formally set table and several women standing around talking.

"Everyone loved these elegant get-togethers. Everyone, that is, but a certain red-headed housewife who was convinced Maxine was a liar."

Bree stares suspiciously as Maxine brings in individual plates and sets one in front of Bree.

"You see, Maxine liked to brag that she did all her own cooking and because each course was served promptly..."

Another plate is set in front of Bree.

"...presented with flair..."

Guests: "Smells delicious."

"...and was positively mouth-watering, Bree knew that Maxine had had some help."

Another beautiful plate is set in front of Bree.

"And sadly for Maxine, Bree intended to prove it."

Bree: "Maxine, once again this entire lunch is just out of this world. I just have to get the number of your caterer."

Maxine: "What a nice compliment. No, I'm afraid this is all my doing."

Lady #1: "It was a triumph, an absolute triumph."

Bree: "Oh come on, do you honestly expect us to believe that you had the time to prepare a six-course meal for ten women? Even I couldn't make this and have time to get ready for a party."

Maxine: "Well, perhaps you're just not as organized as I am. If you'll excuse me."

Lady #1: "Bree, what's gotten into you?"

Bree: "I have the same recipe for English Plum Pudding. It takes six hours to prepare. How could she have time to make all of this and everything else that we ate today? This is not the pudding of an honest woman."

There's banging on the front door.

Man: "FBI, open up!"

Bree: "What on earth?"

One of the ladies gets up and rushes to the door. Maxine comes out of the kitchen. When the front door is opened, four FBI agents enter. As Agent #1 enters the dining room, several other agents swarm into the other parts of the house.

Agent #1: "We're looking for a Maxine Bennett."

Maxine: "I'm Maxine."

Agent #1: "We have a warrant to search the premises, ma'am."

Maxine: "A warrant? I'm in the middle of a luncheon."

One of the agents approaches a door with a lock on it.

Agent #2: "Over here."

He kicks the door down. Inside is a table filled with beautifully made pastries and cakes. A young Asian girl is working diligently on the cakes.

Agent #3 (into a walkie-talkie): "Found her."

The agent escorts the young Asian girl out into the dining room.

Agent #1: "Maxine Bennett, you're under arrest for involuntary servitude."

Bree and the lady next to her appear to be in shock.

Agent #4 (to the Asian girl): "Is this the woman that locked you up?"

The girl nods and begins to speak in Chinese.

Maxine, in handcuffs, begins screaming in Chinese, cursing at the young girl.

The agents escort them both out.

Lady #1: "Bree, what's going on?"

Bree: "Well, I'm not sure, but I think Maxine had a slave."

Lady #1: "I can't believe it. I just can't believe it!"

Bree picks up her fork and continues eating.

"But Bree could. You see for her, the proof was in the pudding."

Bree eats and smiles.

Opening Credits

Wisteria Lane Park - Daytime

A young boy and an elderly man are playing chess.

Boy: "Checkmate."

"The world is filled with unlikely friendships."

Man: "Ah. Terrific!"

The elderly man musses the young boy's hair affectionately.

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

The mailman is petting a dog. The dog is licking the mailman.

"Odd pairings that to the casual observer..."

Wisteria Lane Park - Daytime

A woman in a beautiful suit is sitting having tea next to a heavily tattooed man in his undershirt having a beer.

"...make absolutely no sense at all. But if you look closer..."

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

The street above Susan's home. Susan and Edie are walking very quickly across the street.

"...we can see why these alliances form. After all, a shared purpose can give even mortal enemies common ground."

Susan and Edie walk very quickly to Bree who gets out of her car and begins unloading groceries.

Susan: "Bree. We have a questions for you."

Bree: "Oh, what is it?"

Susan: "Well, we were just wondering actually, we were curious about, uh..."

Edie: "What the hell is going on with you and Betty Applewhite?"

Susan: "Yeah, that."

Bree: "Excuse me?"

Edie: "Well from the day that dead body showed up nobody was yelling, oh, the Applewhites are involved? louder than you. And then the next thing we know you are having Betty over for poker? What gives?"

Susan: "She makes it sound like we're angry and we're not angry."

Edie: "I'm a little angry."

Bree: "Can we talk about this later? I, I have ice cream in here."

Bree begins walking away.

Edie: "Bree, could this flip-flop have something to do with the fact that Danielle is dating Matthew?"

Bree stops and turns toward them.

Edie (to Susan): "Knew that would get her."

Bree: "Who told you that?"

Edie: "Mrs. McCluskey. She saw them making out in the park."

Susan: "Edie!"

Edie: "What?"

Susan: "Can't you sugar coat it a little?"

Edie: "I did! He had his hand down her shirt."

Susan: "Bree, we know that you have a good reason for wanting Betty to hang out with us. We just wondered if you could clue us in a little."

Bree: "When it comes to Betty Applewhite, I know what I'm doing. And you two are just gonna have to trust me. And if you can't do that, then perhaps I've overestimated the depths of our friendship. Now if you'll excuse me."

Bree stomps away.

Edie: "What a bitch!"

Susan: "Edie, can you...?"

Edie: "I was sugar coating it!"

Advertising Agency

Tom enters, carrying several large advertising campaign boards. He sees Lynette, walks up behind her, and kisses her neck.

Lynette: "Oh! Hey, none of that in here!"

Tom: "Come on, maybe if we remind Ed that I'm shacking up with the Senior V.P., they'll stop killing all my pitches."

Lynette: "You've only been here a week, why don't you give yourself a break?"

Tom: "Honey, you know the ad game. I've only got a certain amount of time to make my mark before he kicks me to the curb! Look, I'm just asking you to jump in once in a while, throw me some rope. You know when Ed's on the warpath."

Lynette: "I can't protect you. You're gonna have to find a way to click with Ed yourself."

Conference Room

Tom is presenting his campaign to the staff.

Tom: "And then the pig, he rubs his stomach and he goes, 'snort, snort. Farm Fresh, buddy, will make a piggy out of you, too.'"

Lynette laughs politely. Ed frowns.

Ed: "So, the pig actually eats the bacon?"

Tom: "Uh huh, yeah."

Ed: "I don't see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme."

Lynette: "Well, Tom, why don't you pitch him the other idea you came up with last night? You know the one people love bacon so much they want to keep it a secret."

Ed: "What, like a secret underground society of bacon eaters?"

Tom: "Well, at my college fraternity where, you know, everybody wanted in, but we only took the coolest guys."

Ed: "What, you were Greek?"

Tom: "Yeah, Alpha Tai Omega."

Ed: "I was Phi Kappa."

Tom: "You?"

Ed: "And I don't remember you having to be that cool to play JTL."

Tom: "Look, if I had a nickel for every Phi Kap that I tied naked to a freeway sign..."

Ed: "Scavo, if you were my pledge, I'd have made you my bitch."

Tom: "Oh you think so?"

Ed: "You know what? I'm liking this whole fraternity angle. Yeah! Let's talk about it over lunch. You're buying."

Ed gets up and leaves the room. Tom looks at Lynette, who smiles at him.

Lynette: "Go!"

Gabrielle's Front Yard - Daytime

Carlos and Father Crowley are standing on the lawn talking as Gabrielle drives into her driveway.

Father Crowley: "Thank for your help."

Carlos: "Ah, anytime."

Gabrielle walks up to them.

Gabrielle: "Hello. What's going on?"

Father Crowley: "Gabrielle, I want you to meet someone. This is Xiao Mei."

Carlos: "She's the young lady who was forced to work for Maxine Bennett."

Gabrielle: "Oh, the slave. Wow, looks well-fed."

Father Crowley: "The church is making arrangements for her to return to China, but until then she needs a place to stay."

Carlos: "So I offered up our guest room."

Gabrielle: "Really! Baby, can I talk to you for a second?"

Gabrielle pulls Carlos away from them.

Gabrielle: "Are you nuts?"

Carlos: "It's only for a couple of days."

Gabrielle: "Oh, this time! You are quickly becoming Father Crowley's go-to guy for charity cases."

Carlos: "And that's a bad thing?"

Gabrielle: "When he turns our house into a Catholic underground railroad, yes."

Carlos: "You know who you are, Gaby? You're the kind of person who would have turned away Mary and Joseph from the inn."

Gabrielle: "Well, they should have called ahead."

Gabrielle gets back into her car and drives away.

Bree's Dining Room

Danielle is sitting at the table, combing her hair. Bree walks in with plates of food.

Bree: "Don't brush your hair at the table."

Danielle: "Are you talking to me? Does this mean you've finally forgiven me?"

Bree: "Why should I? You betrayed this family and you're not even sorry."

Danielle: "Don't be such a drama queen."

Bree grabs the brush from Danielle.

Bree: "If the Applewhites go to the police and tell them that your brother ran over Mrs. Solis, he could go to prison. How can you not understand that?"

Danielle: "They won't talk about Andrew as long as you don't go to the police about Caleb."

Bree: "What does Caleb do exactly? And why on earth are they hiding him?"

Danielle: "Why don't you go to Mrs. Applewhite and tell her you really need to know what's going on? I bet if you were really nice, she'd tell you the truth."

Bree: "Is that what you really think Danielle? I should go to Mrs. Applewhite, be nice, and then she'll hand over all her secrets?"

Danielle: "Yeah."

Bree: "When I was young, my stepmother told me that I very lucky. I possessed beauty, wit, cunning, and insight. These were weapons all women needed to survive in the world."

Danielle: "So?"

Bree: "So take good care of your looks, Danielle. You don't have any other weapons at your disposal."

Bree hands the brush back to Danielle.

Edie's House

Susan is knocking at the front door. Karl answers.

Susan: "Hi. I need an operation on my spleen and I just found out I don't have medical insurance. Is there anyone I can sue?"

Edie's Living Room

Susan: "After the embezzlement, Lonnie let the policy lapse and now he's in jail and I'm going to die."

Karl: "Suzy, you're not going to die. I'll get into it with the insurance company."

Susan: "No, there isn't time for you to deal with the red tape. My spleen is going to go careening into my heart. I need that operation now!"

Edie enters the room.

Karl: "Yeah, I'd loan you the money myself, but Edie and I just plopped down our savings on a ski condo."

Susan: "I don't need a loan. I need coverage. I mean, what if there are complications? I don't have a safety net. Oh, please."

Edie: "What in the hell are you doing?"

Susan: "I'm saying a little prayer."

Edie: "Oh for puke's sake."

Susan: "Well, what? I'm desperate here. Do you have any other ideas?"

Edie: "As a matter of fact, I do. What you need is a husband."

Susan: "What?"

Edie: "The only way to get a good health plan is to marry into one."

Karl: "Edie, come on."

Susan: "No, no. I think she's onto something."

Edie: "Yeah, if we find a guy with the right plan, you could have a sham wedding on a Monday night and be fully covered Tuesday morning."

Karl: "I can't believe you are actually considering this."

Susan: "The surgeon is slicing me open a week from tomorrow. What other choice do I have?"

Edie: "All we have to do is find a guy who is willing to marry you. You know, come to think of it, a little prayer might not be such a bad idea after all."

Advertising Agency

The staff is sitting around the conference table. Lynette speaks into the intercom.

Lynette: "Pat, we're all here. So send the call in as soon as you get it."

Tom is tossing M&Ms into the air and catching them in his mouth.

Ed: "Two hundred bucks says you can't do that three times in a row."

Tom: "Huh?"

Ed: "You catch three of those, two hundred bucks. What do you say there, Scavo?"

Tom: "You're on."

Tom grabs three M&Ms and gets ready to toss them.

Tom: "Here we go."

Ed: "Ah-ah-ah-ah! Thrown by me."

Lynette: "I'm sorry, I thought we were here to talk about the farm fresh rollout?"

Tom (to Ed): "They gotta be catchable, big guy."

Ed: "You just let me worry about the shooting."

Tom and Ed stand at either end of the table.

Tom: "Come on."

Ed tosses one and Tom catches it in his mouth.

Tom: "That's one."

Lynette: "Guys..."

Ed tosses to the side, Tom moves over, and catches it.

Ed: "Oh! Nice moves."

Tom: "One more, big guy."

Lynette: "Guys, please, that's...all right."

Ed throws the last candy hard and hits Tom in the face.

Tom: "Ow!"

Coworker: "Oh!"

Everyone but Lynette laughs.

Tom: "Ow, that wasn't even catchable!"

Ed: "Yeah, well, maybe not, but it's totally worth the two hundred bucks."

Ed hands Tom the money and rubs the top of his head.

Ed: "Woo!"

Tom: "Well, you got me."

Ed: "You're a regular little monkey man! Oh, I love this guy."

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle enters. Xiao Mei is sitting at the table, sewing.

Gabrielle: "Oh. hi. Do you have to sit around all day? I mean, shouldn't you be out experiencing western civilization while you have the chance? What are you doing?"

Xiao Mei: "I fix."

Gabrielle: "No, this is couture! This rip has to be fixed by an experienced tailor. You can't just...holy crap! This stitching is perfect!"

Xiao Mei: "Hungry?"

Xiao Mei pulls Gabrielle into the kitchen. The counter is full of food.

Gabrielle: "Did you make all of this? Oh! For me? Okay."

She takes a puff off of the plate that Xiao Mei is holding in front of her.

Gabrielle: "Oh, my god!"

Xiao Mei: "You like?"

Gabrielle: "I like a lot."

Gabrielle's Bedroom

Gabrielle is eating off a plate when Carlos climbs on the bed behind her and kisses her.

Carlos: "You like that?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah, that's nice. Do you know what they do to people in China who speak out against the government?"

Carlos contiunes kissing Gabrielle.

Carlos: "Mmm?"

Gabrielle: "They put them in forced labor camps. Isn't that awful?"

Carlos takes the plate from Gabrielle and puts it aside.

Carlos: "Mm hmm."

Gabrielle: "You know what I mean? It's such a repressive regime. We forget how good we have it."

Carlos kisses Gabrielle and begins undressing her.

Carlos: "Yes, we do."

Gabrielle: "Don't you think Xiao Mei would like it better here in America? I mean, where she could learn about freedom and democracy and stuff?"

Carlos: "Does this have anything to do with you making Xiao Mei do housework?"

Gabrielle: "What?"

Carlos: "I just came from downstairs and found her waxing the floor. She told me you asked her to put on two coats."

Gabrielle: "Well, first of all, that was her idea. Second of all, I can't have this conversation until you've tasted her crab puffs."

Carlos: "Hmm."

Gabrielle begins kissing and undressing Carlos.

Carlos: "Mmm. She just got done being a slave. I mean, she wants to go back to China and we can't force her to stay here and be our maid."

Gabrielle: "Well, who's forcing her? We'll pay her whatever she wants. And the best part is, with her resumé, any wage would look good."

Carlos: "No way, baby."

Gabrielle: "Hmm."

Carlos: "What?"

Carlos reaches for Gabrielle and she slaps his hand and walks away from him.

Carlos: "What, so you don't get what you want, you just walk off and pout?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, this isn't about me. This is about our great nation and I have no intention of sexually satisfying a man who isn't willing to stand up for and help spread the ideals and values of the United States of America."

Diner

Edie is sitting with a nice looking man.

Edie: "Sometimes she is a little hard to stomach, but she means well."

Gary: "That's, that's..."

Susan: "Hi!"

Edie: "Oh, here she is."

Susan: "I came as soon as I got your message. Is this...?"

Edie: "This is Gary Grantham, your future ex-husband."

Susan: "Wow, nice to meet you."

Gary: "Hi."

Edie: "Okay, listen, um, I've got to meet a client. I've got to go, so just talk amongst yourselves, and you two make a very handsome couple."

Susan: "Oh."

Gary: "Yeah. Uh, hi."

Susan: "Hi."

Gary: "So, do you wanna get married on Wednesday? 'Cause Thursday and Friday I'm out of town."

Susan: "Oh! Oh, yeah sure, that's, Wednesday's great. Well, I'm, I'm just curious. How did Edie convince you to do this so quickly?"

Gary: "Well, she explained your situation to me. I'm sort of in need of a fake bride myself, so I figured, what the heck?"

Susan: "Why would you need a fake bride?"

Gary: "I'm gay and I've never come out to my mother."

Susan: "Really?"

Gary: "Yeah. At first, I just didn't want to upset her. Then she got older, she got emphysema and diverticulitis, and I started thinking, if I just kept my mouth shut, then one day nature would take its course and we could avoid what is sure to be a very ugly scene."

Susan: "So what changed?"

Gary: "She told me at her eighty-first birthday party last month the only reason she's hanging on is to see me get married."

Susan: "Oh. Oh, so by marrying me..."

Gary: "Yeah, I'd get my inheritance that much sooner. No, but mostly, I wanna make sure she's happy. Well, you seem very nice, Susan. Uh, it will be a pleasure being married to you."

Susan: "Uh, likewise."

Gary: "Here, you can finish the rest of the fries."

He gets up and leaves.

Noah's House

Noah is sitting in a wheelchair reading. Nurse Tilman enters.

Felicia Tilman: "Here's your mail and your pills."

Noah: "Ugh. More pills."

Noah opens a card.

Noah: "Miss Tilman?"

Felicia: "Hmm?"

Noah: "Where did this come from?"

Felicia: "I don't know. It was in with your other mail."

He looks at the card again. It reads "You have a grandchild."

Noah: "Get me the phone." (into the phone) "Sullivan, it's me. I just got some news, and I need to get you involved. Looks like Delfino's been holding out on me."

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

"The next morning, Bree came up with a plan to get to the truth she so desperately needed."

Bree, looking out her window, watches as Betty and Matthew drive away.

"As she watched the Applewhites leave their house, she thought of how much she had trusted the previous owners."

Bree opens her closet. Many keys, neatly labeled, hang on the inside of the door. She takes the key marked "Mullins."

"And how much they had trusted her."

Betty's House

Bree enters the house using the key. She is carrying a few food dishes. She hears a noise on the stairs.

Bree: "Caleb? Is that you?"

Caleb peeks down the stairs.

Bree: "Hi. I'm Bree. I live down the street. I'm a friend of your mother's."

Caleb: "She's not home."

Bree: "I know. Um, I came to see you."