Desperate Housewives - Episode 02.20 - It Wasn't Meant To Happen

Edie's House - Daytime

Karl is kneeling at Edie's bedside his eyes closes and his hand folded in prayer. Edie is fast asleep in bed.

"Karl Mayer didn't pray often, but when he did, it was usually to ask for God's help in breaking up with a woman. And to spare him the nasty drama that usually accompanied such callous and unexpected departures."

Karl pulls a note from his coat and lays it on the pillow next to Edie.

Flashback - Woman's House

Karl, with a suitcase, is closing a bedroom door.

"Over the years Karl had dumped dozens of women."

A young lady rolls over in the bed and is shocked to find a note on the bed next to her.

"And not one of them had seen it coming."

Flashback - Woman's House

Karl, with his suitcase, is closing another bedroom door on another sleeping woman.

"Every retreat was always meticulously planned right down to the personalized stationary."

The young woman rolls over smiling and is shocked to find a note on the pillow next to her.

Flashback - Woman's House

Karl, with his suitcase, closes another bedroom door on a different sleeping woman.

"Hence, his record of successful getaways..."

The young woman rolls over smiling and is shocked to find a note on the pillow next to her.

"...from women who did not want to see him go."

Present Day - Edie's House

Karl, skulking around Edie's bedroom, with his suitcase, puts a note on the pillow next to Edie. He quietly rolls a large suitcase to the door.

"So when he decided to break up with Edie Britt, Karl prayed to God yet again to help him avoid all the unnecessary drama. Unfortunately for Karl..."

Karl opens the door quietly when the bedside alarm goes off to wake Edie up. Karl freezes as Edie wakes up slowly.

"...God was in the mood to be entertained."

Edie wakes up with her hand on the note and sees Karl frozen at the door with his suitcases. Karl rushes out the door.

Edie's Front Yard - Daytime

Karl runs out of the house with his suitcases. He throws them into his convertible and climbs in the car quickly. He turns the starter, but the car stalls. He keeps trying when Edie comes running out of the house, waving a note in the air.

Edie: "What the hell is this?"

Karl: "Edie, Baby, calm down."

Edie: "'Let's be honest with ourselves, Edie, we haven't been happy in a long time.' Who are you to tell me I haven't been happy, you miserable son of a bitch! I have been ecstatic!"

Karl: "Okay. I'm the one who hasn't been happy."

Edie: "Then why did you propose to me?"

Karl: "I don't know."

Edie: "I have told every woman in this town that we are getting married and all you have to say to me is, I don't know?"

Karl: "What else to do you want me to say? I'm sorry."

Edie: "What's going on? Is there someone else? Oh my god!"

Edie drops the note and backs away. She turns around and sees a rake propped against the house. She walks toward the rake.

Karl: "Oh, crap."

Karl quickly climbs into his car while Edie walks quickly to get the rake. Karl quickly puts his seat belt on and tries to start the car. Edie grabs the rake. Karl continues to try to start the car as Edie walks over determinedly with the rake.

Karl: "Come on, come on!"

As Edie gets closer the car starts. Karl is relieved and smiles at Edie as he drives out of the driveway, only to be hit by a garbage truck. Karl sits in his smashed steaming car.

"As he sat there, Karl couldn't help but wonder why God had forsaken him."

Edie looks on and smiles. She tosses the rake to the ground and turns to go back into the house.

"It never occurred to him that God might be a woman."

Opening Credits

A.A. Meeting

Peter is standing in a circle holding hands with other members praying.

Peter: "God, grant me to serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

"The members of the Fairview Chapter of A.A. ended every meeting with a prayer. And while most were asking God for help in resisting temptation, Bree Van de Kamp was busy thinking thoughts that were downright sinful."

Bree stands next to Peter, holding his hand. While the others have their eyes closed in prayer, Bree is smiling at Peter.

Peter: "And until the next men? keep coming back and the works, keep working. Amen."

Later, Bree is cleaning the refreshment table.

Bree: "I think you'd love the opera. The music and the voices, it's just all so passionate."

Peter: "Yeah, three hundred-pound soprano seducing balding tenors. That'd be hot!"

Bree: "Are you making fun of me? Huh?"

Bree playfully pokes Peter. Peter grabs her hands.

Peter: "Bree..."

Bree: "Yes."

Peter: "Maybe a little bit."

They are just about to kiss when a man walks into the meeting hall.

Claude: "What's going on here?"

Peter: "Claude!"

Claude: "We made plans, remember?"

Peter: "I'm sorry, I was just about to..."

Claude: "Yeah, I saw what you were just about to do."

Bree: I'm sorry Peter, but, ah, who is this?"

Peter: "This is Claude. He's my sponsor."

Bree: "Oh, your A.A. sponsor?"

Claude: "No, I'm his other sponsor."

Peter: "For my sex addiction."

Bree: "Oh."

Claude: "Damn it, Peter, what did I tell you."

Peter: "Avoid lust triggers."

Claude: "And what is she?"

Peter: "Claude, don't do this, man."

Claude: "She is a lust trigger. A lust trigger!"

Bree: "Ah, excuse me. I don't know what that means but could you please stop saying it."

Claude: "Where's your chip? Give it to me."

Peter pulls a chip from his pocket and hands it to Claude.

Claude: "Do you remember how low you'd sunk when we met? This represents twelve months of hard work. Not giving in to your urges. Now if you want to blow all that on this woman, just tell me now so I can stop wasting my time working with you!"

Claude tosses the chip over his shoulder. Peter looks at Bree, then walks over and picks up the chip.

Peter: "I don't want to blow it."

Claude: "Good! Then tell the pretty lady goodbye, and that you can't socialize with her anymore. And do it quick, I'm hungry!"

Claude leaves the room.

Parcher and Murphy Advertising Agency

It is late at night. Lynette and Tom are carrying a sleeping Porter and Parker out of the day care room as Preston walks between them. Jerry comes running up.

Jerry: "Bad news. Ed wants us to push through tonight and finish the Edelstein Realty pitch."

Lynette: "But we're not presenting for another two weeks. Why don't we start tomorrow?"

Jerry: "But how would that help Ed avoid his marital problems?"

Lynette: "What?"

Tom: "Oh, he's right. I hear Ed fighting with Fran on the phone everyday through the office walls."

Lynette: "That would explain all our working hours."

Jerry: "Yeah, but you lucked out Scavo. Darlene talked him into cutting the people who have kids in day care loose."

Lynette: "Hey great! Let's go before he changes his mind."

Jerry: "But that doesn't include you, Miss Senior V.P. Ed wants you in the conference room now!"

Lynette: "You're kidding!"

Jerry: "You're his security blanket, Lynette. He stays, you stay."

Tom: "Jerry, can you help me get the kids down to the car?"

Jerry: "Yeah."

He takes a sleeping Parker from Lynette.

Lynette: "Thanks, Jer."

Lynette kisses Tom goodbye as Ed walks in.

Ed: "Lynette. Get those mount-ups together will you? Jerry, I didn't know you had a kid."

Lynette stares at Jerry. Jerry rubs Parker's back.

Jerry: "Yeah. Um, out of wedlock."

Ed: "Oh."

Jerry: "So, see you in the morning."

Jerry runs out holding Parker and Tom follows. Lynette watches, shocked into silence.

Gabrielle's House

Susan walks in.

Susan: "I'm sorry I'm late."

Susan walks into the room and seeing Bree, Lynette and Gabrielle consoling a crying Edie.

Susan: "What's going on?"

Lynette: "Karl broke up with Edie."

Susan: "Oh my god!"

Bree: "Yeah, apparently he was seeing someone."

Susan: "Really? Did he say who it was?"

Edie: "I know who she is. She's a man-eating, scum-sucking ho bag!"

Bree: "No, he did not say."

Edie: "You know when Karl dumped you I thought that it was all your fault. Yeah, I figured that you were a nag or bad in bed. But now, but now I see that you were just a victim too. We have a bond, Susan. Like we're sisters. There's even a pretty one and an ugly one."

Bree: "Edie!"

Edie: "Oh I'm just saying that Karl screwed us both!"

Susan: "Yes, like you wouldn't believe."

Lynette: "Guys, I'm all for bashing exes, but let's save a little of our hate for his partner in crime, the other woman."

Gabrielle: "Mmm hmm."

Bree: "You know they're always coming up with these excuses to justify being a home wrecker."

Gabrielle: "Exactly! Like, 'he wouldn't have been with me if he was getting...it at home.'"

Lynette: "'Oh, honey, you're the love of my life, she's just the runner up.'"

Susan: "Oh look, the baby's doing something really cute."

Everyone looks over to see Lily fast asleep.

Gabrielle: "She's sleeping."

Susan: "Like an angel."

Gabrielle: "Look, I think we all know that Karl is a dog. But let's face it, if these tramps were laying out the buffet, he wouldn't be chewing down!"

Susan: "Well, every situation is different and it's hard to judge until we know all the details."

All four women stare at Susan.

Susan: "Which obviously I don't know, because how would I know."

The women continue staring at Susan.

Susan: "She's a slutty, slutty whore, absolutely!"

All the women smile and nod.

Edie: "Yeah!"

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

Carlos and Gabrielle have Lily in a carriage. Gabrielle is putting a hat on Lily.

Carlos: "Are you sure she needs that? I just put sunscreen on her."

Gabrielle: "Yes, she needs the bonnet. It completes she outfit!"

Carlos: "Oh, for God's sake, Gaby."

Gabrielle and Carlos are walking down Wisteria Lane proudly pushing the carriage.

Gabrielle: "She's never too young to start accessorizing. Besides, all the neighbors are out today and I want them to see how happy we are. Wish they were us!"

Dale comes running up in his letterman jacket and starts walking with Gabrielle and Carlos.

Dale: "Hey! Uh, baby's a beauty."

Carlos: "We think so, but we're a little bit biased."

Dale leans over into the carriage. Lily laughs.

Dale: "Oh wow! She's got my eyes."

Gabrielle: "Huh?"

Dale: "Oh, I'm Dale. Dale Helm. I'm the baby's birth father."

Gabrielle: "Ah, well, hi, Dale, nice to meet you. A lot of people have been looking for you."

Dale: "Yeah, I know. Lawyers and stuff! I got kinda held up in Florida longer than I thought."

Carlos: "Spring break, right?"

Dale: "Yeah. Oh man, we were wasted twenty-four seven! Then I got the message and I just thought my friends were messing with me. Those butt wads!"

Gabrielle: "Well, it's a good thing he's here. We can take him to the lawyer's office and you can sign over full custody to us. Okay."

Dale: "Yeah, uh, the thing about that is, I'm gonna want the baby."

Carlos and Gabrielle turn and stare at Dale in shock. A few minutes later, Gabrielle and Carlos are walking quickly down the sidewalk, pushing the carriage, with Dale following them.

Dale: "Come on, you guys, we don't have to make this ugly."

Gabrielle: "You're trying to take our baby, how is it not going to be ugly?"

Carlos: "Keep walking, Gaby, don't engage him."

Dale: "Listen, Mr. Solis."

Gabrielle: "No! You listen! We were granted custody. If you want her, you talk to the judge!"

Frank's car pulls up next to Dale.

Frank: "What is the hold up?"

Dale: "They told me I gotta talk to a judge."

Gabrielle: "What the hell are you doing here, Frank?"

Frank: "It's his baby. Give it to him!"

Gabrielle: "Like hell!"

Julie is watering the lawn as they pass Susan's house.

Julie: "Hey, Mrs. Solis, can I see the baby?"

Carlos and Gabrielle: "No!"

Frank: "Dale! Just do it already!"

Dale: "I'm not just going to kidnap it!"

Frank: "Why not! They did! It is your baby. Just take it!"

Carlos turns and stands face to face with Dale.

Carlos: "Try it!"

Dale: "Frank?"

Dale turns to Frank. Gabrielle looks smugly at Frank, who groans.

Frank: "Get in you moron!"

Dale: "Anyways, it looks like you're doing a good job with her."

Frank: "Dumbass!"

Dale: "She seems clean."

Carlos gets closer to Dale, who runs and gets into Frank's car. Frank pulls away quickly. Carlos and Gabrielle watch the car drive away.

Outside Betty's House

Matthew approaches the Applewhite house. Betty is talking to a couple on the front door.

Betty: "Like I said, we have been very happy here. I'm sure you will be too."

Man: "Oh, we just love it."

Woman: "Yeah."

Betty: "Once the stairs are repaired, I'll show you the basement."

The couple leave. Matthew walks up to Betty.

Matthew: "What's going on?"

Betty: "The house just sold. Start packing."

Wisteria Lane Park - Daytime

Danielle: "Why don't you just put Caleb in an institution? It's where he belongs anyway."

Matthew: "My mom would never let strangers take care of him."

Danielle: "Then why don't you call the police. Then it's not up to her."

Matthew: "If I call the police, my mom and I go to jail with Caleb. We've been hiding a murderer. Now look, if we do move, I promise I will call you every day."

Danielle: "I don't need a phone buddy. I need a boyfriend!"

Matthew: "Would you calm down please?"

Danielle: "Don't tell me what to do! You know I could go to the police myself."

Matthew: "Danielle!"

Danielle: "I just, I love you so much, I would do anything to keep you here."

Matthew: "Yeah, I see that now."

Danielle: "You can't leave me alone here. You have to think of something."

Matthew: "Don't worry, I will."

Lynette's Office - Nighttime

An instant message appears on the computer screen. It's from T-Man Scavo.

T-MAN-SCAVO: "WHEN R U COMING HOME?"

Lynette sees Ed working hard at his computer with headphones on.

LYNETTE65: "AT THIS RATE? NEVER."

T-MAN SCAVO: "HE'S KEEPING YOU LATE AND I'M HORNY!"

LYNETTE65: "WHAT DO U WANT ME 2 DO ABOUT THAT?"

T-MAN SCAVO: "DUNNO. WHAT DO U WANT 2 DO?"

Lynette drops a sugar packet and leans over to pick it up. In the meantime, an instant message from Ed pops up on Lynette's screen.

ED FERRARA: "MAKING COFFEE... YOU WANT?"

Lynette sits back up, smiles, and starts typing.

LYNETTE65: "I WANT TO LICK U FROM HEAD TO FOOT."

She hits "enter" and then notices that it's an instant message from Ed.

Lynette: "Oh my god!"

She watches Ed and the new message appears on his screen. Ed reads, looks shocked, then turns and stares at Lynette. Lynette jumps up and runs into Ed's office.

Lynette: "Ed. Hey. I'm so sorry, but obviously that was just meant for Tom's eyes only."

Ed: "Honest mistake. Don't even worry about it."

Lynette: "Okay, thanks. Well, I'm gonna go back in my office and continue to feel like a huge pervert."

Ed: "At least you and Tom have a love life."

Lynette: "Well, we do the best we can. Given the circumstances."

Ed: "Better than Fran and I. We're dead in that department. Ah, no, I don't wanna bore you with details."

Lynette: "I appreciate that. You know, Ed. I don't want to pry into your personal business, but if you are having problems in that area, you don't have to be resigned to it."

Ed: "What are you suggesting, hookers? No, Ed Ferrara doesn't pay for sex."

Lynette: "I mean, you and Fran could spice it up a bit. You know, get the old juice flowing again."

Ed: "Oh, I see. Kinda like" (looks at his computer screen) "'I'd like to lick you from head to foot.'"

Lynette: "Okay, well that wasn't my best work, but you can't deny results. IMing works. When I go home tonight Tom and I are going to...okay, well, um, I'm going to be exhausted so I'll probably just lay there. But, trust me, Tom is gonna go to town."

Ed: "That's something to think about, lord knows. You know the sad truth in this? I have been thinking about hookers."

Lynette: "Okay. Uh, well I hope that helped. And I'm just gonna go back and finish so we can all get out of here."

Claude's Bakery

Claude is putting newly baked good into the shelves. Bree walks in.

Claude: "Let me guess. You're not here for a bear claw."

Bree: "No, I'm not."

Claude: "You're wasting your time."

Bree: "Look, you don't have to worry Peter, not while he's with me."

Claude: "Yeah? Why is that?"

Bree: "Because, when it comes to sex I have an unwavering moral compass. Truly! Men could beg and plead all day long and it wouldn't make any difference. So since I have such strong self control, there's really no reason for us to end our friendship."

Claude: "The guy's a ticking bomb! You have no idea the kind of depravity that comes with this disease. Waking up in a stranger's bed every morning, cruising the park at night looking for somebody to get off with, compulsive masturbation every chance you get!"

A man sitting at a table overhears, gets up, and walks out.

Claude "For guys like Peter and me, there's no beauty in sex. It's an empty and ugly compulsion."

Bree: "Well, I am sorry, but the Peter I know has a little more sense..."

Claude sees a young man walking in.

Claude: "Hold on."

Claude walks up to the man entering.

Druggie: "Claude, I need, I need some help."

Claude: "What are you doing here? Are you using?"

Druggie: "No. But I bought a bag."

Claude: "You're an embarrassment to me. Give it!"

Claude holds out his hand. The guy pulls a bag out of his pocket and hands it to Claude.

Claude: "There's a meeting over on 10th Street. You go there! You call me after."

Druggie: "I'm sorry."

Claude: "Get the hell out of my shop."

Claude goes back to Bree. He holds up the bag.

Claude: "I'm also a sponsor at Cocaine Anonymous."

Bree: "Well, aren't you the renaissance man!"

Claude: "Are we done here, Princess?"

Bree: "Not yet. You obviously have an encyclopedic grasp of everything depraved, but clearly you don't have the slightest idea about a loving relationship."

Claude laughs and holds up the bag of cocaine.

Claude: "This is all you are to Peter. Something to satisfy his addiction!"

Bree: "Well, I think Peter is a better man than you do and I am not going to let you keep us apart."

Claude: "Try and stop me. Peter does everything I tell him to do. It's the one thing you can depend on with addicts. They're weak."

Claude walks into the back room. Bree turns to leave. Two police officers walk in.

Bree: "Excuse me. May I ask you something?"

Officer #1: "Yes, ma'am."

Bree: "If a citizen, an ordinary citizen like myself, knew of someone holding a significant amount of drugs, what would my responsibilities be, you know, under the law?"

Bree and the two officers stare at Claude in the back room.

Edie's House

Susan is outside Edie's door with a stack of books.

Edie: "What's all this?"

Later, Edie and Susan sit on Edie's couch in the living room.

Susan: "And this one I ran out and got the day I found out Karl was doing it with his secretary. I think you'll find this particularly helpful. It's got a chapter called, 'Revenge: You're only Hurting Yourself.'"

Edie: "Yeah, you know, I just really not into the whole reading thing.:"

Susan: "Oh. Well, um, why don't we get you out of here. Let's go see a feel-good movie."

Edie: "Why are you being so nice to me?"

Susan: "Well, I just wanna help. So, how about that movie?"

Edie: "You know how I like to heal? I get hammered."

Susan: "Ah, well, um, then I should just go and let you get started with that."

Edie: "You really want to help me? Good! 'Cause I'm gonna need a designated driver."

Susan: "Oh, ah, okay."

Bree's House

Bree is placing a plate of cookies in front of Peter, who's sitting at the kitchen table.

Peter: "How could he be arrested for cocaine possession? Claude swore he was clean."

Bree: "It's just awful, isn't it? I mean, you never know what people are doing behind your back. Would you like some milk with your cookies?"

Peter: "Thanks. It's just, he was the best sponsor I've ever had and I don't know what I'm going to do now."

Bree: "Well, I have been doing some thinking and here's a thought. Why don't I be your sponsor?"

Peter: "You gotta be kidding. You don't know squat about sex addiction."

Bree: "Well, cravings are cravings and all you really need is a friend to call when you start having inappropriate thoughts and I can be that friend."

Peter: "Well, there's more to it than that. Claude rescued me from some pretty nasty scenes over the years."

Bree: "Well, if you are in trouble, I could handle it."

Peter: "How can you be so sure?"

Bree: "Because I can be very strong for those people that I really care about."

Peter: "How can you have any feelings for me at all? I mean you've only known me for a few weeks. "

Bree: "Yes, and in that time, I've come to learn that you are good and kind and smart. And yes, you have a little problem that you need some help with, but I'm willing to be there for you. So, what's the big deal?"

Peter: "If you saw me at my worst, you might not like me so much."

Bree: "Peter, let me be your rock. Taking care of people is what I do best. Drink your milk."

Sports Bar

Waitresses wearing tank tops and short shorts are serving people. A waitress brings a large plate of chicken wings to Susan and Edie's table. The waitress walks away as Edie dips her finger in the sauce and tastes.

Edie: "Ah, ah, ah, mm, mm. I asked for extra spicy."