Desperate Housewives - Episode 02.19 - Don't Look At Me

Classroom - Daytime

Louisa is standing in her classroom, ruler in hand, hitting the palm of her other hand.

"Louisa Pate believed in the power of shame. As a teacher, she had found the best way to control unruly students was to instill a strong sense of shame in their parents."

Flashback

Louisa is speaking to a parent.

Louisa: "I left Tricia alone with the school hamster for only five minutes."

Louisa takes out a shoebox.

Louisa: "In this box is all that's left of Patches."

Louisa slides the box over to Tricia's father.

Flashback

Louisa is speaking to another parent.

Louisa: "For Show and Tell, Timmy decided to bring in something from your husband's collection of Nazi memorabilia."

Louisa slides a Nazi armband over the desk to Timmy's mom.

Flashback

Louisa is speaking to two parents.

Louisa: "Billy's been threatening to beat up the other kids for their milk money. We found the proceeds in his cubby."

Louisa slides two stacks of bills over the desk to Billy's mother and father.

Present Day

Louisa sits at her desk in front of Lynette.

"Of course, Mrs. Pate also knew that when it came to unruly children, some parents had more reason to be ashamed than others."

Lynette: "So, um, your message said that Parker had been involved in some sort of serious incident. What, what kind of incident?"

Louisa: "Yesterday afternoon, Parker offered a cookie to Cindy Lou Peeples if she would show him her vagina."

Lynette: "What kind of cookie?"

Louisa: "What does that matter?"

Lynette: "Oh, it doesn't. I'm just stalling because I am completely mortified."

Louisa: "The kids were in a broom closet. Our janitor walked in on them just as Cindy was lifting up her pinafore."

Lynette: "Oh my goodness."

Louisa: "I'm sure you've noticed how obsessive Parker can be. A certain subject will catch his interest and that's all he'll talk about for weeks and weeks."

Lynette: "Oh right. That happened with dinosaurs."

Louisa: "Oh yes, we all remember his dinosaur phase. More fondly now than ever."

Lynette: "So you think that now he's obsessed with..."

Louisa: "What's underneath the pinafore. Yes. Look, I think he's just developed a normal curiosity about the human body. You need to talk to him. Remind him what's appropriate and what isn't."

Lynette: "Of course, I will talk to him. I'll talk to him till I'm blue in the face. I promise. Take care."

Lynette gets up to leave. Louisa also stands.

"Yes, Louisa Pate believed in the power of shame. She also believed when someone has that power..."

Cut to Louisa sitting at her desk talking to Mrs. Peeples.

Louisa: "So, Mrs. Peeples. You'll never guess what your daughter is willing to do for a ginger snap."

"...it's a shame not to use it."

Opening Credits

Fairview County Courthouse Hallway

Andrew is sitting on a bench outside the courtroom staring at his mother.

"It had been six weeks since Andrew Van de Kamp had declared war on his mother, Bree. The final battle was about to be waged at the Fairview County Courthouse. Bree knew it was about to get bloody."

Bree holds out her hand. Peter, standing next to her, takes it.

"What she didn't know was..."

Red high heels are coming down the hallway towards Bree.

"...the calvary was on its way..."

Eleanor: "Bree!"

"...whether she wanted them there or not."

Bree: "Eleanor!"

Eleanor: "Oh thank god I found you. This place is a maze."

Bree: "What are you doing here?"

Eleanor: "Well, your father and I got a call last night from Danielle and she said that Andrew was taking you to court! I mean to say that we were shocked would be an understatement."

She sees Peter and holds out her hand.

Eleanor: "Hello, I'm Eleanor Mason, Bree's stepmother. You're the lawyer? We should talk."

Peter: "Ah, no, I'm not her lawyer."

Eleanor: "Good. The hair had me worried."

Andrew: "Peter is Mom's sponsor from A.A."

Eleanor: "Oh, sweetie. Since when are you in A.A.?"

Bree: "Recent development. Where's Dad?"

Eleanor: "In chambers, with the Judge."

Bree: "What? Why?"

Bree's father, Henry, come out of the Judge's chambers.

Henry: "Everything is fine. The judge agreed to a postponement."

Eleanor: "Oh thank god."

Henry: "Luckily, he remembered me. I spoke once at his law school."

Karl walks up.

Karl: "Pardon me, sir. I'm your daughter's lawyer. Just so you know, we've been waiting for hearing for weeks."

Henry: "Son, I've been an attorney for forty-five years. You and I both know how these cases can turn into public spectacles. Our family is perfectly capable of handling this in house."

Bree: "Dad. You don't understand. This has gotten really ugly."

Henry: "That's why we're here. We're gonna put this family back together."

Eleanor: "Whatever it takes."

Courtroom 103

Mr. Beale is facing the Judge. Gabrielle, holding the baby and Carlos are sitting behind Mr. Beale's table.

Mr. Beale: "And that's when Mr. and Mrs. Solis, fearing for the welfare of this helpless child, fled the hospital."

Judge Grimshaw: "You mean they kidnapped her?"

Mr. Beale: "Well, technically that's true, but given the situation that led up to the rescue..."

Judge Grimshaw: "Kidnapping."

Mr. Beale: "Your honor. Yes. In retrospect, the plan was a little bit rash, not entirely well thought out."

Judge Grimshaw: "Idiotic."

Gabrielle (whispering to Carlos): "Can we object to that?"

Carlos: "Shh!"

Mr. Beale: "But the child is safe, your honor. And all we ask the court is to allow baby Lily a lifetime of the care and love she has been receiving from the Solis?"

Judge Grimshaw: "As much as your story tugs at my heart, there is the issue of parental rights. What does the state have to say about this?"

State Attorney: "We have located the biological father, Mr. Dale Helm. Unfortunately, uh, circumstances require that he be out of town. He's in Fort Lauderdale today."

Judge Grimshaw: "On business?"

State Attorney: "Spring break actually. Mr. Helm is a high school student."

Judge Grimshaw: "Charming. In between keg stands, did the father happen to mention if he plans to waive parental rights?"

State Attorney: "I've left a number of voice mails, but the only response I've gotten is a text message that says" (she reads from her cell phone) "this blows his mind and he's extremely bummed out."

Judge Grimshaw: "All right. Mr. and Mrs. Solis. Since you actually want Lily, it's seems you're the lesser of two evils. I'm granting you temporarycustody until we can get a straight answer from the birth father."

Carlos: "Thank you, Your Honor."

Judge Grimshaw: "In the meantime, try not to steal any more babies."

Gabrielle: "Oh, we just needed the one."

Lynette's House

Parker is sitting at the coffee table, coloring.

Lynette: "Sweetie. Um, could you put the crayons down for a csecond? We need to talk. So I spoke to your teacher today and she told me about the cookie deal you made with Cindy Lou."

Parker: "Oh. Are you mad?"

Lynette: "No, no exactly. I'm just trying to understand why you did that."

Parker: "Tommy Keenan told me babies come from down there. It doesn't sound right to me."

Lynette: "Well, actually he's kinda right. He's got the concept down."

Parker: "That's weird. How's a baby get in there?"

Lynette: "Daddy will be home from his business trip in a few days. Why don't you wait for him?"

Parker: "Okay."

Lynette: "Okay."

Parker: "Or I can ask Tommy's brother. He's fourteen. He knows everything."

Later, Lynette draws pictures for Parker.

Lynette: "And then the mommy and daddy, because they love each other so much, they hug real tight and a seed is magically planted. And nine months later, a baby is born."

Parker: "What kind of seed?"

Lynette: "Oh, that's not important."

Parker: "I don't believe you."

Lynette: "Parker, I'm your mother. Mother's don't lie to their sons. Now go wash your hands or Santa's not gonna bring you anything for Christmas."

Parker rushes away.

Edie's House

Susan is knocking hard. Karl, in a towel, opens the door.

Susan: "I just saw Edie drive off. How long is she going to be gone?"

Karl: "I don't know, she just went to show a house."

Susan: "Move."

Susan pushes her way inside.

Karl: "What's the problem?"

Susan: "You mauled me in Edie's bed last night. I think that deserves a conversation."

Karl: "What's there to talk about? I'm just a fool in love."

Susan: "Oh no, you don't mean that."

Karl: "Yes, I do. Look I realize my timing's a little off."

Susan: "A little? The helium hasn't even gone out of the balloons from your engagement party. Okay, when are you gonna tell Edie?"

Karl: "Tell her what?"

Susan: "That the wedding's off."

Karl: "Is it?"

Susan: "Well, isn't it?"

Karl: "It's up to you."

Susan: "Are you, are you saying that you're gonna go through with this wedding unless I tell you not to?"

Karl: "Just give me a commitment, Susie Q and I'll put a bullet in Edie."

Susan: "This is insane!"

Karl: "Come on. All this could be yours again. Just say the word."

He begins to loosen the towel from around his waist.

Karl: "And I let go."

Susan: "Oh no, no, don't you dare!"

Karl: "You know you want me to. Just say it, Susie Q."

Susan: "You're sick!"

Susan leaves as Karl chuckles.

Paul's House

Paul comes out the front door.

Paul: "Zach, I'm going to the drug store. I'll be back in twenty minutes."

Paul walks out, slips on the porch, and falls on his back. He sits up slowly, holding his head. He looks down and finds his hand is in some slippery substance.

Felicia, from next door, yells across the lawn to Paul while holding a bowl with cookie dough.

Felicia: "Paul? I was making cookies and I heard the most sickening thud. Are you okay?"

Paul: "There's shortening on my doorstep."

Felicia: "Shortening? That's the last thing you'd want on your front porch. It's meant for baking."

She walks away, smiling.

Gabrielle's House

Susan, Bree, Lynette, and Gabrielle are standing over baby Lily's bassinet in the living room. Carlos is sitting at the table eating lunch.

Bree: "She's so adorable and I just love the name Lily."

Gabrielle: "It was my grandmother's name."

Susan: "So how you holding up? You must be exhausted."

Gabrielle: "You know, I'm a little tired, but it's not too bad."

Lynette: "Oh wait a couple months, she'll start sleeping through the night."

Gabrielle: "No, honey, please, do I look like a masochist? First thing tomorrow, I'm hiring a nanny and a night nurse."

Carlos: "No, we're not."

Gabrielle: "My husband the comedian."

Carlos: "I'm serious. I don't want some stranger raising our baby."

Susan: "Well, you guys are busy, we should go."

Gabrielle: "No, it's okay. I'll win this battle later."

Carlos: "We are not going to be some yuppie couple pawning off our kid on other people. End of discussion."

Gabrielle: "Yeah, you should go."

Bree: "Okay, bye."

Lynette: "Good luck."

The ladies leave.

Gabrielle: "Put down the burrito. What is all this crap about me not getting help?"

Carlos: "Look, a brand new baby needs to bond with its mother. The church knows it, science knows it, nature knows it."

Gabrielle: "We have the money, what is wrong with getting a little help? Then I'll be able to relax once in a while and I'll be able to be a better mother."

Carlos: "You wanna be a better mother? Do what my mama did, make sacrifices. My mama worked her fingers to the bone for me."

Gabrielle: "That's what put her in an early grave. Well, that and the hit and run thing."

Bree's House

Bree, Henry, Eleanor, and Andrew are sitting around the dining room table.

Henry (to Andrew): "Look, I don't know why you want to be emancipated." (to Bree) "And I don't know what you've been doing to drive him crazy. Bottom line, it's over. It's now time for you two to kiss and make up."

Andrew: "And just how are we supposed to do that?"

Henry: "Here's a thought. Just look each other in the eye and say, "I forgive you.""

Bree: "That's your solution?"

Henry: "It's actually a technique invented by this Dutch therapist. I saw him on TV. He says if you verbalize forgiveness, the brain can trick the heart into letting go of resentment."

Eleanor: "It really works. I did it with our cleaning lady."

Bree: "Um, I'm sorry, Dad, but I think my relationship with Andrew is just a bit more complicated than..."

Henry: "Would it kill you to at least try?"

Andrew: "I'll do it for you, Grandpa."

Henry: "That's my boy. Bree?"

Bree: "Fine. Yes, um, so, um, who goes first?"

Henry: "Either, or. It doesn't matter."

Andrew: "Mom, I forgive you."

Bree: "Andrew, I forgive you."

Henry: "That wasn't so hard, was it? Now, don't expect to feel differently right away. It takes a while."

Eleanor: "It took me a week to forgive Esperanza."

Henry: "Now she's like family again."

Eleanor: "Family who stole from us."

Henry: "So let's get back to the way we were and forget all this nonsense about emancipation."

Andrew: "Um, well, Grandpa, I'm, I'm still gonna need my trust fund. You see, I can't live in a place where I don't feel safe."

Henry: "What are you talking about?"

Andrew: "Well, could you live with a woman who hits you?"

Eleanor: "Bree!"

Bree: "I slapped him once and he deserved it."

Andrew: "I just asked her to stop drinking."

Henry: "You were drinking?"

Eleanor: "She's in A.A. Her sponsor has long hair."

Bree: "Andrew, I find your concern ironic given how tanked you were when you ran over our neighbor's mother with your car!"

Eleanor: "Is she okay?"

Bree: "She's dead!"

Andrew: "Well, mom watched as her boyfriend committed suicide. And he was the same guy who killed dad!"

Bree: "Andrew falsely accused me of molestation. In a mall!"

Henry and Eleanor look stunned.

Henry: "You know, the technique works best if you don't talk right away."

Susan's House

Susan comes down the stairs into the kitchen, where Julie is reading the card from a vase of roses on the table.

Susan: "Okay, let's go. I don't want to be late for the movie. Oh those are pretty. Who sent those?"

Julie looks disgusted.

Susan: "What?"

Julie (reading the card): "'Say the word and I'm yours, Love Karl.' Mom, I knew this would happen when you started hanging around together. All of your old feelings resurfacing."

Susan: "No, his feelings. He's the one with the feelings, not me."

Julie: "Uh huh."

Susan: "Okay, Don't you huh? me. You're not old enough to do that."

Julie: "Oh no? Well how do you like this? I'm not going to the movie with you."

Susan: "You're going to make me go by myself?"

Julie: "Well, you could always ask Dad to go. In fact, if you love him so much, why don't you marry him? Oh wait! You already did. Twice!"

Movie Theater

Susan is sitting by herself eating popcorn. She turns to her side to turn off her cell phone and sees Mike come in with a pretty lady. She ducks as Mike and the lady come down the aisle. They sit down a few rows in front of Susan.

Young Lady: "You know, I think we're going to need some napkins with this."

Mike: "Oh, okay, I'll go back."

Young Lady: "Thanks."

As Mike gets up, Susan scoots over a few seats next to a nice looking man sitting alone.

Susan: "My ex-boyfriend's here. If he sees me alone, I'll die, I'm begging you, please, act like you know me."

Mike: "Susan? Hey."

Susan: "Mike, hi! What a surprise."

Mike: "How are you?"

Susan: "Good. Oh, god, I'm being so rude, um, Mike I want you to meet..."

Orson: "Orson Hodge. Nice to meet you Mike. Wow, can't believe I'm finally seeing the man himself, in the flesh."

Mike: "So, how'd you two meet?"

Orson: "Oh, I've been her dentist for years. Last week, I was looking in her mouth and decided to stick my tongue in it."

Susan laughs.

Mike: "I'll see you, Susan."

Mike walks away.

Susan: "Thank you so much for helping me out."

Orson: "Hey, I'm great in a crisis."

Susan: "Well, I definitely picked the right person to sit next to. Actually, is this seat taken?"

Orson: "No."

Susan: "Okay. You can share my popcorn."

A young lady with popcorn sits down next to Orson.

Orson: "Um, Susan, this is Becky. I'll probably be sharing her popcorn."

Susan: "I'll just wait till the lights go out, and then I'll go."

Outside Paul's House - Daytime

Paul is squirting starter fluid into the barbeque.

Paul: "While I get this going, can you bring out the buns?"

Paul lights the grill. A large flame shoots out almost hitting him.

Paul: "What the hell?"

Zack: "You all right?"

Paul smells the can.

Paul: "This isn't lighter fluid. It's gasoline."

Zack: "What? How'd that get in there?"

Paul: "How do you think?"

They look next door where Felicia is raking her leaves.

Felicia: "Something smells good over there."

Zack: "Well, I don't understand. Is she trying to kill you?"

Paul: "No, she's trying to piss me off."

Zack: "Why?"

Paul: "I'm not sure yet, but I do know I'm not gonna play along." (To Felicia) "We've got plenty of burgers if you want to pop over. And bring your appetite."

Felicia smiles, then continues raking.

Gabrielle's House - Nighttime

Carlos and Gabrielle are sleeping. The baby begins crying.

Carlos: "Gaby, the baby."

Gabrielle: "No, I got up twice already, it's your turn."

Carlos: "Gaby, I have several job interviews tomorrow. I need my sleep."

Gabrielle: "What about my sleep?"

Carlos: "You sleep when the baby sleeps."

Gabrielle: "Every forty minutes? When am I supposed to have a life?"

Carlos: "What are you whining about? You know, Xiao-Mei does all the housework around here. All you have to do is take care of the baby."

Gabrielle: "Fine, fine, fine!"

Gabrielle goes into Xiao-Mei's room, carrying the crying baby, and wakes up Xiao-Mei.

Gabrielle: "Psst, Xiao-Mei. Psst. Wake up."

Xiao-Mei: "Mrs. Solis? Something wrong?"

Gabrielle: "The baby won't stop crying and I haven't slept for two days. Will you please take Lily for a while? "

Xiao-Mei: "Oh."

Gabrielle: "Oh, come on. I won't make you do windows tomorrow."

Xiao-Mei gets out of bed.

Xiao-Mei: "Okay. What do I do?"

Gabrielle: "Well, she's a baby. You hold her. You bounce her and, I don't know, maybe sing a little something."

Gabrielle lies down on Xiao-Mei's bed.

Gabrielle: "Ah! Oh and Xiao-Mei, Mr. Solis does not need to know about this, okay?"

Xiao-Mei: "Okay."

Gabrielle: "Okay."

Xiao-Mei begins singing to Lily.

Gabrielle: "Yeah, honey, can you take that downstairs? Thank you."

Bree's House - Nighttime

Bree comes downstairs to the living room to find Eleanor combing out her wig.

Bree: "Eleanor, I thought you'd gone to bed."

Eleanor: "Oh, no, not yet. I had to do my hair now. There's never enough time in the morning. Uh, sit. There's something I have to discuss with you. Your father and I have decided to take Andrew back to Rhode Island with us."

Bree: "Really? And whose idea was that?"

Eleanor: "Andrew's. But Henry and I feel it's the right thing to do."

Bree: "Absolutely not."

Eleanor: "If we leave him here, the two of you will wind up in court and I'm not going to allow that."