Betty: "What else did your brother tell you?"
Xiao-Mei's Room
Xiao-Mei is lying on the bed. Gabrielle brings in some cocoa.
Gabrielle: "Xiao-Mei? I made you some hot cocoa. I guess the baby thing didn't really
appeal to you, huh? I know it's a lot to ask, it's just, Carlos and I think of you as family. Don't you think of us as family?"
Xiao-Mei: "Oh, yes! You are like mother to me."
Gabrielle: "Mm hmm. Well, if we are so frigging close, what's the big deal? It's nine months out of your life."
Xiao-Mei: "I will be ruined."
Gabrielle: "Ruined?"
Xiao-Mei: "Down there."
Gabrielle: "Wait. Are you a
virgin? Wow."
Xiao-Mei: "If I have baby, I will be shamed."
Gabrielle: "Are you kidding? No one cares about
virginity in this country. It went out of style in the fifties, and trust me, honey, it ain't making a comeback. Seriously, no one cares."
Xiao-Mei: "Husband would care. No man want me if I ruined. I want husband so much."
Gabrielle: "Well, what kind of husband do you want? Do you want a rich husband? Well, then, rich men don't marry
virgins for the same reasons they don't hire chauffeurs who can't drive. They value experience."
Xiao-Mei: "Really?"
Gabrielle: "Would I lie to family?"
Ed's Office - Nighttime
Lynette: "Here are the numbers you wanted."
Ed: "Lynette, wait. Have you heard from Tom?"
Lynette: "He's not answering his cell phone. But you don't have to worry, okay? You got what you wanted. He's out of the building."
Ed: "Come in here and close the door."
Lynette: "You sure? I might punch you, too."
Ed: "I'll take my chances."
Lynette: "If this is where you want me to apologize for my husband, I'm not gonna do it. Maybe he shouldn't have hit you, but you provoked him."
Ed: "Now wait a minute…;
Lynette: "No! I am sorry, Tom gets punished because you can't deal with your screwed-up marriage. It is
pathetic, Ed. If you had stood up to your wife in the first place, none of this -- what?"
Ed: "I love it. You're giving me crap about my marriage. You know what? Here! Oh, the forensic accountant found some interesting stuff in Tom's expense reports. Yeah, it seems on his last three trips east, he cashed in his
first-class ticket and took a detour to Atlantic City."
Lynette: "What? That can't be right."
Ed: "Well, it's all there. Hotels, bar tabs. Oh, and on this page two tickets to a show. And flowers."
Lynette: "That doesn't make any sense. There's gotta be some kind of an explanation for this."
Ed: "Before you pass judgment on someone else's marriage, I'd clean up my own house first."
Bree's House
Bree, Peter, Andrew, and Justin are sitting at the table.
Bree: "Sorry, I don't know what's
taking Danielle so long to get dressed."
Andrew: "Just give her a break, mom. I'm sure she's just
trying to look nice for our company."
Peter: "Well, I hope she doesn't get too dressed up. I like people to be comfortable."
Danielle walks in wearing a skimpy dress.
Danielle: "Oh, I'm comfortable."
Bree: "Honey, what are you wearing?"
Danielle: "You got me this for Christmas. Don't you remember?"
Bree: "Yeah, I just, I'm worried you might be a little cold."
Danielle: "I think it's plenty warm in here. Don't you, Mr. McMillan?"
Peter: "Uh, sure."
Andrew: "Well, uh, we should probably start eating. We don't want our frittatas to get cold."
Bree: "Right. Good. Um, sorry. Everybody, dig in."
Peter: "Wow. Does anybody else think this salsa's a little too spicy?"
Danielle: "I always say, the hotter, the better."
Peter stares at Danielle and looks at her cleavage.
Andrew: "So, Mr. McMillan, I hear you went to Perkins College. I'm thinking about going there after I graduate."
Peter: "Uh, Perkins, huh? I was there. Yeah, I made it to every party, and I went to classes in my spare time. No, actually, it's a great college. I, I, I think you'd like it."
Bree puts her hand on Peter's knee under the table.
Bree: "Isn't this wonderful? Good food, pleasant conversation. This really is a very special night."
Danielle puts her hand on Peter's other knee under the table.
Danielle: "I feel the same way."
Andrew: "So, Peter, is it growing?"
Peter: "What?"
Andrew: "Uh, the campus. Has it grown at all since you've been there?"
Danielle raises her hand higher on Peter's leg.
Peter: "Um, yeah, it's, grown considerably."
Andrew: "I would just love to get my hands on a brochure."
Danielle raises her hand higher.
Peter: "The
alumni association is always sending me stuff, you know. I'll, I'll get you something!"
Danielle's hand is almost to Peter's crotch. Peter jumps up.
Bree: "Oh, my god, are you okay?"
Peter: "I just remembered, you know, this guy I'm sponsoring, he said he needed to see me tonight, so I should go to him."
Bree: "Well, I guess that's important, so..."
Peter: "Yeah, so I should go. No need to show me out."
Bree: "What a shame. I really wanted him to have a chance to get to know you guys."
Danielle: "Don't worry, I, I think we made an impression."
Parcher & Murphy - Nighttime
Tom is in his office, packing a box.
Lynette: "Hey. Hey! I didn't know if you were coming back."
Tom: "I waited until the parking lot cleared."
Lynette: "So, um, what happened? You said you were just gonna go in there and talk to him."
Tom: "I know, I know. I know I shouldn't have hit him, but what's done is done."
Lynette: "Anything else going on?"
Tom: "Like what?"
Lynette: "I don't know. Anything you wanna talk about? 'Cause there's nothing you couldn't tell me. I would understand."
Tom: "No, I feel good about this. It's okay, 'cause I didn't fit in around here anyway. I'm gonna get another job someplace else. Everything's good. And you, I love."
Lynette: "I love you, too."
Tom walks to the
elevator.
Lynette: "You know what's weird?"
Tom: "No, what?"
Lynette: "In all the years we have been married, I have never seen you lead with your fists."
Tom: "Well, maybe I still got some surprises in me."
Lynette: "Maybe you do."
The
elevator door closes.
Betty's House
Betty walks in.
Matthew: "Is it done?"
Betty: "Mm hmm. We can mourn your brother later. Right now there are things that still need to be done."
Later, Matthew and Betty walk down the
basement stairs.
Betty: "We need to get rid of everything. Mattress, clothes, all of it."
Betty and Matthew go to the
basement. Matthew goes into Caleb's old locked room. Betty closes the door from the outside and locks it.
Matthew: "Mom, the, the door's locked."
Betty: "I know."
Matthew: "Mom, you need to open this door right now! Mom!"
Matthew bangs on the door. Betty walks away.
Outside Betty's House - Nighttime
Caleb is sitting in the car. He looks at the house, then turns and looks out the car window.
Gabrielle's House
Carlos comes downstairs in his robe.
Gabrielle: "Honey, why aren't you dressed yet? We have to be at the
fertility clinic in forty minutes!"
Carlos: "Aw, shoot! Is that today?"
Gabrielle: "And, uh, give Xiao-Mei a kick in the pants. I haven't seen her all morning."
Carlos in the
bathroom washing his hands. Xiao-Mei walks in wearing a bathrobe.
Carlos: "Hey. Today's the, uh, big day. You ready to, uh, make a baby?"
Xiao-Mei takes off the robe. She is naked. Carlos stares at her.
Xiao-Mei: "Ready."
She runs into the bedroom and gets into bed.
Xiao-Mei: "Please, be gentle."
She lifts the covers and as Carlos stares at her naked body, Gabrielle walks in. She is shocked to see a naked Xiao-Mei in their bed.
Gabrielle: "Honey, come on. We're gonna be late."
Carlos: "Hmm, ah. I think she's confused as to how we're gonna make this baby happen."
Gabrielle: "And were you planning on
setting her straight?"
Carlos: "Next thing out of my mouth."
Bree's House
Andrew walks into Danielle's room.
Andrew: "Come on! The guy's ready to explode."
Danielle: "I don't care. I'm not sleeping with mom's boyfriend."
Andrew: "You can't back out now. You were great the other night. You got Peter on the hook. He's primed."
Danielle: "I was just messing with his head to get back at mom. That's all."
Andrew: "Yeah, but why stop there? She's keeping you from Matthew. Now, come on, she deserves this."
Danielle: "I am not that stupid. Go grind your own ax."
The doorbell rings.
Andrew: "That's him. I don't have time for this crap. Now strip down to your bra and panties now."
Danielle: "Get out of my room, you psycho!"
Andrew walks into the kitchen.
Andrew: "Um, my mom won't be back for a while, so you probably don't wanna wait around."
Peter: "Well, that's okay. I just wanted to make sure you got the Perkins catalog. Uh, your mom told me that you're going on a tour there tomorrow."
Andrew: "Yeah."
Peter: "You're gonna love it. The campus is beautiful, the teachers are amazing, and the student body is such a great mix. You know, they're all about diversity."
Andrew: "Whatever. All right, well, I'll let my mom know you stopped by."
Peter: "Okay. Andrew, I also wanted to apologize for leaving so fast the other night. I, I started to get the feeling that your sister was coming on to me, which was up
setting because…;
Andrew: "You're a sex addict?"
Peter: "Your mom told you about that?"
Andrew: "Let's just say the word's out. But, um, I'm curious, back in the day, what kind of stuff were you into?"
Peter: "I don't know that I wanna talk about that."
Andrew: "Well, I just wanna make sure you're not into anything too freaky. You know, I mean, you are dating my mom and I'm kinda
protective of her."
Peter: "Well, you can relax. I mean, I wasn't some sort of pervert, you know. All I can say is, I went through a dark period and I slept with a whole lot of people."
Andrew: "People?"
Peter: "What's wrong?"
Andrew: "No, it's just that when most guys discuss their conquests, they don't say 'people.'"
Peter: "Oh, well..."
Andrew: "No, it's okay. I appreciate the fact that you value diversity."
Susan's House
Mike knocks on the door.
Susan: "Who is it?"
Mike: "Mike. Susan?"
Susan: "Hi. Sorry. I'm just on the
lookout for Edie."
Mike: "Oh, well, you can relax. Edie won't be coming after you."
Susan: "Why?"
Mike: "I talked to the P.I. and he's not gonna tell her anything."
Susan: "What did you say?"
Mike: "I paid him off, so it's over. I just thought you should know."
Susan: "Well, wait. Why would you do that?"
Mike: "People just get hurt if it gets out. I didn't see the point."
As Mike walks away, Susan sees the mailman approaching. Susan gets some iced tea and goes outside just as the mailman is opening her mailbox.
Susan: "Hey there. You look thirsty."
Inside Susan's house, the mailman drinks the iced tea.
Gus: "This is really nice of you, Mrs. Mayer. To be honest with you, I wasn't even sure that you liked me."
Susan: "And you know why? Because we're all so busy and detached from each other. You're at my house every day and sure, we wave and we say hello, but we barely even know each other. How long have you been delivering my mail, for god's sake?"
Gus: "Three and a half weeks."
Susan: "Really? It seems like forever. Let me top you off."
Gus: "Oh, no, I couldn't. This is my third glass. I, seriously, I'm sloshing'."
Susan: "Well, you probably wanna use the
bathroom before you leave, huh?"
Gus: "No, I'm good."
Susan: "Are you sure? Uh, I mean, you have such a long route, and that iced tea's gonna go right through you. It's better here than Mrs. McCluskey's hydrangeas."
Gus: "Well, you know, uh, maybe I will use your
bathroom."
Susan: "Great! Oh, the one down here is broken. Why don't you use the one
upstairs? It's right off my bedroom."
Gus: "Yeah. Okay. Got it."
Gus goes
upstairs. Susan waits until he's out of sight, then goes through his mail sack and pulls out the letter she wrote to Edie. She breathes a sigh of relief. She tucks the letter into her own stack of mail and sits back down.
Fairview Fertility Clinic
Carlos: "I still can't believe it. I mean, why would Xiao-Mei just offer herself up to me like that?"
Gabrielle: "Well, honey, she's a
virgin. Who knows why
virgins do anything?"
Carlos: "She's a
virgin? Are you serious?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah. I wouldn't just slam her for no reason."
Nurse: "Mr. Solis? It's time to collect your D.N.A."
Gabrielle: "Oh! Okay, honey, only good swimmers now."
Nurse: "If you like, we have a variety of magazines and videos available."
Carlos looks over at Xiao-Mei.
Carlos: "Mm, I think I'm good."
Susan's House
Susan is still sitting at her kitchen table waiting for Gus to come down.
Susan: "Gus? Are you okay up there?"
She goes
upstairs and finds Gus lying on her bed while in his boxer shorts and undershirt.
Susan: "Gus!"
Gus: "Uh, do you want me to keep the hat on? I know it's a
fantasy for some women."
Susan: "Uh."
Downstairs, Julie comes in. She sees the mail sack on the table.
Julie: "Mom? Is the mailman here?"
Susan (to Gus): "That's my daughter. Get dressed!"
Julie: "Mom?"
Susan: "Yes, honey. Gus, the mailman, is here! He's using the
bathroom. He'll be down in a minute." (to Gus) "Oh! Darn it. Guess we'll have to take a rain check, huh?"
Gus: "I can come back on Tuesday."
Susan: "Tu-Tuesday? No, no, Tuesday's not good, 'cause Tuesday's the day I, um, become a lesbian."
Downstairs, Julie goes through the delivered mail. She finds the one addressed to Edie and puts it back into the mail sack before walking away.
Bree's House
Bree comes home and calls out.
Bree: "Andrew? Honey, where are you? I got your message. What's the
emergency? Andrew? Andrew?"
Bree goes
upstairs and finds Andrew in her bed.
Bree: "Andrew? Honey, what are you doing in my bed?"
Peter comes out of the
bathroom wearing only a pair of boxer shorts.
Peter: "Have you seen my pants? I can't find..."
A shocked Bree looks at Andrew. He smiles.
Andrew: "Now we're even."
Outside Bree's House
Bree closes the trunk of her car as Andrew approaches.
Bree: "Did you forget that we're supposed to take that tour of Perkins college today?"
Andrew: "Seriously? After last night, I didn't exactly think you'd be too keen on sitting next to me in a car for three hours."
Bree: "Consider me a cheerleader for anything that expedites me getting you out from under my roof."
Andrew: "Glad we can come to an understanding."
Deserted Road
Bree's drives down the road. She stops at what looks like an
abandoned gas station and turns off the engine.
Andrew: "Why'd we stop here? We have half a tank left."
Bree: "There's so many things I wanna say to you, Andrew. But mostly, I just want you to know how sorry I am."
Andrew: "Sorry for what?"
Bree: "Every child deserves to be loved unconditionally and I thought that was the kind of love that I had for you. Maybe if I had, it would've been different."
Andrew: "Why do I suddenly get the feeling we're not gonna make it out to Perkins College today?"
Bree gets out of the car and walks to the trunk. Andrew follows.
Andrew: "What are you doing?"
Bree: "I packed up some of your things. There's also, um, an envelope in here with some money and that should tide you over until you get a job."
Andrew: "What, you're gonna, you're gonna leave me out here in the middle of nowhere?"
Bree: "I noticed a bus stop about a mile back. You can go anywhere you want."
Andrew: "Mama, mom, please don't do this."
Bree: "I have to. I can't be around you anymore. I'm just not strong enough."
She starts to turn away from him.
Andrew: "You know what the good news is? I win."
Bree: "You win?"
Andrew: "I remember the look in your eyes when I told you I was gay and I knew that one day, you would stop
loving me. So here we are. I was right. I, I win."
Bree: "Well, good for you."
Bree gets into the car, starts the engine, and drives away. In the rearview mirror, she sees Andrew standing all alone by the side of the road and she begins to cry.
Outside Edie's House - Nighttime
Edie comes out and gets her mail. She finds the letter Susan wrote and reads it. She crushes the envelope.
Mike's House - Nighttime
Susan: "Hi. I made you a thank-you pie, and by "made," I mean "bought.""
She walks into Mike's house.
Outside Susan's House
As Susan goes into Mike's house, Edie comes out of the bushes. She opens Susan's
garage door, sprinkles
gasoline all over the
garage, goes inside, and pours
gasoline all over the house then lights a match.
Mike's House
Susan is cutting a piece of pie for Mike.
Mike: "So, what exactly are you thanking me for?"
Susan: "For keeping Edie from smashing my face in. That's the nicest thing anybody ever did for me."
Mike: "Just
trying to keep peace on the lane."
Susan: "Well, you keep telling yourself that. I know why you really paid that guy off. You still care about me."
Mike: "What?"
Susan: "You're always worried about Julie and me and you beat up my new boyfriend. And now you're protecting me from Edie. Do you know what all that means?"
Mike: "That you're high maintenance?"
Susan: "All right, you go ahead and be coy. Fine. I'll be the one to break the ice. I never stopped caring about you."
Mike: "That why you jumped in bed with Karl?"
Susan: "I would've never even gone there if I had thought there was a chance with us. You just closed the door so completely, I, ugh, can we just not talk about him? Have some more pie. I know you like pie. I know you like me. Listen, I'm not asking for us to get back together. I just want us to be friends."
Mike: "Susan?"
Susan: "Yes?"
Mike: "Your house is on fire."
They run out to Susan's burning house.
Susan: "My whole house is on fire!"
"When the truth is ugly, people try to keep it hidden, because they know if revealed, the damage it will do. So they conceal it within
sturdy walls or they place it behind closed doors or they obscure it with clever disguises but truth, no matter how ugly, always emerges..."
A fire truck pulls up in front of Susan's house. Various neighbors watch as Susan's house burns.
"And someone we care about always ends up getting hurt."
Edie stands in her house, watching out her window while drinking a glass of wine.
"And someone else will revel in their pain and that's the ugliest truth of all."
~ The End ~
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