PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously
beneficial to the
person so describing it.
PRUDE, n. A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor.
PUBLISH, n. In
literary affairs, to become the
fundamental element in
a cone of critics.
PUSH, n. One of the two things
mainly conducive to success,
especially in
politics. The other is Pull.
PYRRHONISM, n. An ancient
philosophy, named for its
inventor. It
consisted of an
absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its
modern professors have added that.
Q
QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king,
and through whom it is ruled when there is not.
QUILL, n. An
implement of
torture yielded by a goose and commonly
wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its
modern
equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting
Presence.
QUIVER, n. A
portablesheath in which the ancient
statesman and the
aboriginal
lawyer carried their lighter
arguments.
He extracted from his quiver,
Did the controversial Roman,
An
argument well fitted
To the question as submitted,
Then addressed it to the liver,
Of the unpersuaded foeman.
Oglum P. Boomp
QUIXOTIC, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An
insight into
the beauty and
excellence of this
incomparableadjective is unhappily
denied to him who has the
misfortune to know that the gentleman's name
is
pronounced Ke-ho-tay.
When
ignorance from out of our lives can banish
Philology, 'tis folly to know Spanish.
Juan Smith
QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to
have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United
States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on
Finance and a
messenger from the White House; in the House of
Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil.
QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
The words erroneously repeated.
Intent on making his
quotation truer,
He sought the page
infallible of Brewer,
Then made a
solemn vow that we would be
Condemned
eternally. Ah, me, ah, me!
Stumpo Gaker
QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging
to one person is contained in the pocket of another -- usually about
as many times as it can be got there.
R
RABBLE, n. In a
republic, those who exercise a
supreme authority
tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred
Simurgh, of Arabian fable -- omnipotent on condition that it do
nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact
equivalent in
our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.")
RACK, n. An
argumentative
implementformerly much used in persuading
devotees of a false faith to
embrace the living truth. As a call to
the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now
held in light popular esteem.
RANK, n. Relative
elevation in the scale of human worth.
He held at court a rank so high
That other noblemen asked why.
"Because," 'twas answered, "others lack
His skill to
scratch the royal back."
Aramis Jukes
RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller,
nor can belong to the buyer. The most
unprofitable of investments.
RAPACITY, n. Providence without industry. The
thrift of power.
RAREBIT, n. A Welsh
rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point
out that it is not a
rabbit. To whom it may be
solemnly explained
that the
comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and
that _riz-de-veau a la financiere_ is not the smile of a calf prepared
after the
recipe of a she banker.
RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect.
RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded
intellect.
RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice.
"Now lay your bet with mine, nor let
These gamblers take your cash."
"Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes!
How can you be so rash?"
Bootle P. Gish
RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation,
experience and reflection.
RATTLESNAKE, n. Our
prostrate brother, _Homo ventrambulans_.
RAZOR, n. An
instrument used by the Caucasian to
enhance his beauty,
by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to
affirm his worth.
REACH, n. The
radius of action of the human hand. The area within
which it is possible (and customary) to
gratify directly the
propensity to provide.
This is a truth, as old as the hills,
That life and experience teach:
The poor man suffers that keenest of ills,
An
impediment of his reach.
G.J.
READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it
consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and
humor in slang.
We know by one's reading
His
learning and breeding;
By what draws his laughter
We know his Hereafter.
Read nothing, laugh never --
The Sphinx was less clever!
Jupiter Muke
RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the
affairs of to-day.
RADIUM, n. A
mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ
that a
scientist is a fool with.
RAILROAD, n. The chief of many
mechanical devices enabling us to get
away from where we are to wher we are no better off. For this purpose
the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits
him to make the
transit with great expedition.
RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture,
otherwise known as the Normal American. Most of the public buildings
of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our
earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the
White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of
the Dorians. They are
exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a
brick.
REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The
charm suffusing a
landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a
measuring-worm.
REALITY, n. The dream of a mad
philosopher. That which would remain
in the cupel if one should assay a
phantom. The
nucleus of a vacuum.
REALLY, adv. Apparently.
REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army
that is nearest to Congress.
REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.
REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice.
REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the
infection of our own opinions.
Hospitable to
persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.
REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish
it.
RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previously
known.
RECONCILIATION, n. A
suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for
the purpose of digging up the dead.
RECONSIDER, v. To seek a
justification for a decision already made.
RECOUNT, n. In American
politics, another throw of the dice, accorded
to the
player against whom they are loaded.