Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ

All that he had of wisdom and of wit.
So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died,

Erased all entries of his own and cried:
"I'll judge you by your diary." Said Hearst:

"Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First" --
Straightway producing, jubilant and proud,

That record from a pocket in his shroud.
The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er,

Each stupid line of which he knew before,
Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit

On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit;
Then gravely closed the book and gave it back.

"My friend, you've wandered from your proper track:
You'd never be content this side the tomb --

For big ideas Heaven has little room,
And Hell's no latitude for making mirth,"

He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth.
"The Mad Philosopher"

DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of
despotism to the plague of anarchy.

DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literarydevice for cramping the growth
of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary,

however, is a most useful work.
DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because

there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals,
however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for it

is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet
and domesticeconomist, Senator Depew:

A cube of cheese no larger than a die
May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.

DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the
process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstance from

which that wickedwriter, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies
are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.

DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
DISABUSE, v.t. The present your neighbor with another and better

error than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace.
DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or

thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.
DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.

DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriateceremony the maturity

of a command.
His right to govern me is clear as day,

My duty manifest to disobey;
And if that fit observance e'er I shut

May I and duty be alike undone.
Israfel Brown

DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character.
Let us dissemble.

Adam
DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to

call theirs, and keep.
DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a

friend.
DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as

many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce
and the early fool.

DOG, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch
the overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being in

some of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection
of Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog

is a survival -- an anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin,
yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long,

sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means
wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned

with a look of tolerant recognition.
DRAGOON, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal

measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on
horseback.

DRAMATIST, n. One who adapts plays from the French.
DRUIDS, n. Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion which

did not disdain to employ the humbleallurement of human sacrifice.
Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith. Pliny says

their religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as
Persia. Caesar says those who desired to study its mysteries went to

Britain. Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear to have
obtained any high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his

talent for human sacrifice was considerable.
Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing

of church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents. They
were, in short, heathens and -- as they were once complacently

catalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of England --
Dissenters.

DUCK-BILL, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back
season.

DUEL, n. A formalceremonypreliminary to the reconciliation of two
enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactoryobservance; if

awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences
sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel.

That dueling's a gentlemanly vice
I hold; and wish that it had been my lot

To live my life out in some favored spot --
Some country where it is considered nice

To split a rival like a fish, or slice
A husband like a spud, or with a shot

Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot
And ready to be put upon the ice.

Some miscreants there are, whom I do long
To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim

The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners,
I seem to see them now -- a mighty throng.

It looks as if to challenge _me_ they came,
Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners!

Xamba Q. Dar
DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life.

The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy
have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their

insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh
with a platitude. The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whence

they were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness having
blighted the crops. For some centuries they infested Philistia, and

many of them are called Philistines to this day. In the turbulent
times of the Crusades they withdrewthence and gradually overspread

all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art,
literature, science and theology. Since a detachment of Dullards came

over with the Pilgrims in the _Mayflower_ and made a favorable report
of the country, their increase by birth, immigration, and conversion

has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy
statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but

little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians. The
intellectual centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois,

but the New England Dullard is the most shockingly moral.
DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit,

along the line of desire.
Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court,

Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port.
His anger provoked him to take the king's head,

But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread,
Instead.

G.J.
E

EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of
mastication, humectation, and deglutition.

"I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat-
Savarin, beginning an anecdote. "What!" interrupted Rochebriant;

"eating dinner in a drawing-room?" "I must beg you to observe,