gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.
TWICE, adv. Once too often.

TYPE, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying
civilization and enlightenment, despite their obviousagency in this

incomparable dictionary.
TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect (_Glossina morsitans_)

whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy
for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American

novelist (_Mendax interminabilis_).
U

UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time,
but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an

attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only. This important
distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to the

mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain
Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's body were

known as Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtlessdamned,
for Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though that

sacrament may be performed in more than one place simultaneously. In
recent times ubiquity has not always been understood -- not even by

Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot be in two
places at once unless he is a bird.

UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue
without humility.

ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to
concessions.

Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry
met to consider it.

"O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk
to the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many unconquerable

soldiers have we in arms?"
"Upholder of the Faith," that dignitary replied after examining

his memoranda, "they are in numbers as the leaves of the forest!"
"And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the hearts

of all Christian swine?" he asked the Imaum of the Ever Victorious
Navy.

"Uncle of the Full Moon," was the reply, "deign to know that they
are as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the stars

of Heaven!"
For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial

Chibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought: he was
calculating the chances of war. Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "the

die is cast! I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that he
advise inaction. In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned."

UN-AMERICAN, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
UNCTION, n. An oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction

consists in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts of
the body of one engaged in dying. Marbury relates that after the rite

had been administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it was
discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no other

could be obtained. When informed of this the sick man said in anger:
"Then I'll be damned if I die!"

"My son," said the priest, "this is what we fear."
UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to

know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and
laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and

Kant, who lived in a horse.
His understanding was so keen

That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen,
He could interpret without fail

If he was in or out of jail.
He wrote at Inspiration's call

Deep disquisitions on them all,
Then, pent at last in an asylum,

Performed the service to compile 'em.
So great a writer, all men swore,

They never had not read before.
Jorrock Wormley

UNITARIAN, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.
UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons

of another faith.
URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to

dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is
heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent with

disregard of the rights of others.
The owner of a powder mill

Was musing on a distant hill --
Something his mind foreboded --

When from the cloudless sky there fell
A deviled human kidney! Well,

The man's mill had exploded.
His hat he lifted from his head;

"I beg your pardon, sir," he said;
"I didn't know 'twas loaded."

Swatkin
USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and

Third being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent
reverence for this Holy Triad an industriouswriter may hope to

produce books that will live as long as the fashion.
UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own

wife.
V

VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's
hope.

"Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division and
Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir, at once."

"General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am
persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring

them into collision with the enemy."
VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.

They say that hens do cackle loudest when
There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid;

And there are hens, professing to have made
A study of mankind, who say that men

Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen
Make the most clamorous fanfaronade

O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid
They're not entirely different from the hen.

Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold,
His blazing breeches and high-towering cap --

Imperiously pompous, grandly bold,
Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap!

Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue
Is that in battle he will never hurt you?

Hannibal Hunsiker
VIRTUES, n.pl. Certain abstentions.

VITUPERATION, n. Saite, as understood by dunces and all such as
suffer from an impediment in their wit.

VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a
fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

W
W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the only

cumbrous name, the names of the others being monosyllabic. This
advantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valued

after audibly spelling out some simple Greek word, like
_epixoriambikos_. Still, it is now thought by the learned that other

agencies than the difference of the two alphabets may have been
concerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" and the rise

of "the grandeur that was Rome." There can be no doubt, however, that
by simplifying the name of W (calling it "wow," for example) our

civilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured.
WALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That

Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every
unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and