1X03: PRETTY LITTLE PICTURE

Original Airdate on ABC: October 17, 2004

ANNOUNCER: Previously on Desperate Housewives, Susan took dating tips from her 12 year old daughter.

JULIE: If you wanna date him, you're gonna have to ask him out.

SUSAN: I keep hoping he'll ask me out.

JULIE: How's that going?

(Cut to: )

ANNOUNCER: Bree dentally" title="ad.偶然地">accidentally poisoned her husband.

REX: I can't believe you tried to kill me.

BREE: Yes, well, I feel badly about that.

(Cut to: )

ANNOUNCER: Lynette indulged in creative parenting.

LYNETTE: If any of you acts up, I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas.

(Cut to: )

GABRIELLE: I really hate the way you talk to me.

CARLOS: And I really hate that I spent $15,000 on your diamond necklace.

ANNOUNCER: While Gabrielle indulged in the company of her gardener.

(Cut to: GABRIELLE, pushing a half-naked JOHN out the window, as CARLOS walks in the house.)

GABRIELLE: Hi honey, you're home early.

(Cut to: )

ANNOUNCER: And everybody's wondering?

(Cut to: SUSAN, holding the mysterious note

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID

IT MAKES ME SICK

I'M GOING TO TELL

SUSAN: Oh Mary Alice, what did you do?

ANNOUNCER: Why their best friend just killed herself.

BREE: How much do we really wanna know about our neighbours?

(Cut to: MIKE, putting down a gun on his side table.

Cut to: The mysterious chest PAUL dumped in the river floating up to the surface.

ANNOUNCER: Everyone has a little dirty laundry.

(Fade out)

OPEN ON: [INT. CREMATORIUM -- NIGHT]

(We open on MARY ALICE, lying in a coffin. A coffin cover, with a label "MARY ALICE YOUNG" is slid over the top. A hand turns a knob, and we see cogs turning as a furnace is opened, and the coffin slides into the furnace.)

NARRATOR: After I died, I began to surrender the parts of myself that were no longer necessary. My desires, beliefs, ambitions, doubts, every trace of my humanity was discarded. I discovered when moving through eternity, it helps to travel lightly. In fact, I held on to only one thing - my memory.

[CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE -- NIGHT]

(We pan down on the peaceful Wisteria Lane at night, where everyone is fast asleep in their houses.)

[PAN TO: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE -- NIGHT]

(We pan to BREE lying in bed awake, drumming her fingers.)

NARRATOR: It's astonishing to look back on the world I left behind. I remember it all, every single detail. Like my friend, Bree Van De Kamp.

(Flashback to: MARY ALICE at BREE's house, talking animatedly as BREE walks in with an easy smile, holding a dish in her hands.)

NARRATOR: I remember the easy confidence of her smile.

(Cut to: BREE standing at the head of the table, where REX, PAUL and MARY ALICE are sitting. They watch as she drizzles some alcohol over a dish, and lights it on fire.)

NARRATOR: the gentle elegance of her hands.

MARY ALICE: Wow.

(Cut to: MARY ALICE and PAUL leaving, as they say their goodbyes at the front door.)

NARRATOR: the refined warmth of her voice.

BREE: Bye.

NARRATOR: But what I remember most about Bree?

BREE: Rex, wasn't that a lovely? (Her smile fades as she sees REX walking off, completely ignoring what she's saying.)

NARRATOR: was the look of fear in her eyes.

(End of flashback. Resume present)

NARRATOR: Bree had started to realize her world was unravelling, and for a woman who despised loose ends, that was unacceptable.

(BREE looks at the clock, which reads 5:35 am. She gets out of bed, and goes downstairs. We see her wearing a robe, bending over REX, sleeping downstairs on the couch. She shakes him awake.)

BREE: Rex, Rex! You need to get up!

REX: It's not even light out.

BREE: Please hurry, if the kids see you sleeping down here, they're gonna start asking questions. (takes REX's blanket off him.)

REX: Let'em ask, I don't care anymore.

BREE: Well, I care. (pulls his pillow out from underneath his head.) They don't need to be burdened with our marital problems, and if we're working things out, the least we could do is try to keep up appearances.

REX: (rolls his eyes) Oh yeah, appearances. I keep forgetting about appearances.

BREE: Oh Rex, you look so tired.

REX: Ah, I didn't sleep. This damn thing is so uncomfortable.

BREE: Well, why don't you move back upstairs and sleep in our bed?

REX: We're in marriage counseling, Bree, I think that would confuse things.

BREE: It's just-I miss you.

REX: I know you do. Of course, if I don't get some sleep pretty soon, I'll be forced to move back upstairs out of sheer exhaustion. (goes upstairs)

(BREE waits till he moves out of sight, then goes to a cupboard and takes out a pair of pliers. She flips one corner of the mattress up, and cuts one of the wires in half. She bends both sides up so they are vertical. She tests how sharp it is with one finger, then pulls the mattress back on top of the sofa-bed, dusting her hands off and sighing with satisfaction. Teehee. Evil Bree rocks.)

NARRATOR: Yes, Bree was afraid of many things. But if there was one thing she wasn't afraid of, it was a challenge.

Opening Credits

OPEN ON: [EXT. WISTERIA LANE -- MORNING]

(We pan on our Wisteria Lane, at the crack of dawn. The street lights are still on, and there's a paper boy on a bike, throwing papers onto the lawns.)

NARRATOR: The day on Wisteria Lane began like any other, with a cup of coffee and the morning paper.

[CUT TO: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - KITCHEN]

(We see LYNETTE sitting at the kitchen table, the twins sword-fighting next to her as she reads the business section of the paper.)

LYNETTE: Just give me a second-5 minutes.

NARRATOR: And while Lynette read the business section-

[PAN TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE - DINING ROOM]

(GABRIELLE sits at her dining table, holding a cup up in her right hand, as her maid pours coffee into the cup. She is engrossed in reading the paper, held by her left hand, the style section.)

NARRATOR: And Gabrielle studied the fall collections-

[PAN TO: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - DINING ROOM]

(BREE sits at the dining table, reading the section of the paper. She fiddles with the flower arrangement in the middle of the table in front of her.)

NARRATOR: And Bree searched for decorating ideas.

[PAN TO: INT. MEYER HOUSE - KITCHEN]

NARRATOR: Susan scanned the front page and saw something that caught her eye.

(SUSAN and JULIE are sitting at the kitchen table. SUSAN reads the front page of the paper, taking a bite of a muffin. JULIE wipes something off Susan's face, then goes back to eating her cereal, reading a book open in front of her. SUSAN suddenly stops, as the camera pans to look at the paper.

It reads:

The Fairview Herald

October 15, 2004

She looks up, then gets up and goes to a calendarhanging on the wall. She flips open to October, where we see a post-it note, reading Mary Alice dinner stuck on the 15th and 16th dates. She rips it off.)

[CUT TO: EXT. SCAVO HOUSE -- MORNING]

(SUSAN steps over toys lying scattered everywhere on the ground and front porch. She goes to the front door of the house, and knocks on the window pane on the door. The door opens to (Flashback to: MARY ALICE opening the door.)

MARY ALICE: Well, it's about time.

SUSAN: Be nice, I come bearing snacks. (holds up a bag of chips and a bag of pretzels, walking in the door as MARY ALICE follows her into the kitchen table, where LYNETTE, BREE and GABRIELLE are gathered.)

BREE: Lynette, these cards are sticky.

LYNETTE: I know. Preston used the three of diamonds to scoop jam out of the jar.

GABRIELLE: Gorgeous, thankful we have 49 cards to play with.

SUSAN: Hello, sorry I'm late.

LYNETTE: Hey.

MARY ALICE: So, Susan, I was just telling the girls I wanna throw a dinner party.

SUSAN: Really?

MARY ALICE: Yes, I mean, how long have we all lived on this street? We've never done a big group thing.

BREE: I think it's a great idea.

MARY ALICE: Paul never likes to have people over. Well, to heck with him, I'm doing it.

SUSAN: So when is this shindig?

MARY ALICE: How about a month from tonight? That would be the 16th, good for everyone?

LYNETTE: Yeah.

SUSAN: Yeah.

BREE: Works for me. Should we all make something?

MARY ALICE: Oh no, no. This is my party. I've been wanting to have everyone over for years. Oh I'm so happy we're finally doing this. It's gonna be so much fun.

(End of Flashback. Resume to present.)

(LYNETTE opens the door.)

LYNETTE: Hey! (SUSAN holds up the post-it note) I know, our dinner.

[CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE -- MORNING]

(BREE, LYNETTE, GABRIELLE and SUSAN are standing outside on the street, next to a large tree. GABRIELLE passes the note along back to SUSAN, who holds it up.)

SUSAN: How could we have all forgotten about this?

LYNETTE: We didn't exactly forget, it's just usually when the hostess dies, the party's off.

BREE: Lynette! (puts her hand over her heart)

LYNETTE: I'm not being flip, I'm just pointing out a reality.

GABRIELLE: Mary Alice was so excited about it. So sad.

SUSAN: I think we should go through with it.

BREE: Really? Wouldn't that be in poor taste?

SUSAN: No, it's sort of a way to honour Mary Alice. It was so important to her.

GABRIELLE: We could all use a fun night.

BREE: Well, good, because I have some new flatbread that I've just been dying to show off.

SUSAN: Lynette?

LYNETTE: I'm in.

BREE: I'll make braised lamb shanks.

LYNETTE: I'm still in.

BREE: So how many will I be cooking for?

GABRIELLE: 7. Three couples and Susan. Does that sound right?

SUSAN: No, it sounds very, very wrong.

GABRIELLE: Awww. (puts a hand on Susan's shoulder)

BREE: Is there somebody you'd like to invite?

(MIKE runs past, stops a distance away from SUSAN as he sees her, all sweaty and panting. SUSAN smiles at him, waving as he smiles back, waving, then keeps running.)

SUSAN: I have an idea. (they all smile)

[CUT TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE -- MORNING]

CARLOS: A dinner party. Honey, I may be working late. The Dillman proposal's a complete mess.

GABRIELLE: No, you promise to be home every night this week.

CARLOS: I'm trying, but I can't guarantee anything. This is business!

GABRIELLE: Says the prince as he rides off into the sunset. Boy did the movies ever get that wrong.

CARLOS: You know what your problem is? You're very tense. Should go to a spa, go shopping. Find a way to relax.

(GABRIELLE smiles slyly as he walks out the door. She picks up the phone and dials a number. Our view of GABRIELLE moves to the right, as the left side of the screen opens up to JOHN in class, picking up his phone.)

JOHN: Hello?

GABRIELLE: Where are you?

JOHN: Algebra.

GABRIELLE: You free at 4?

JOHN: I'm not sure, I got track after school.

GABRIELLE: Well, get here as fast as you can. My husband says I need to relax.

JOHN: You, uh, want me to keep my gym clothes on, like last time?

GABRIELLE: If you would. Please. (They both smile)

[CUT TO:INT. SCAVO HOUSE - KITCHEN]

(TOM sits at the kitchen table as LYNETTE does the laundry.)

TOM: A dinner party?

LYNETTE: Yeah, it'll be fun. Bree's cooking, everyone's coming.

TOM: You know what? I haven't even had a chance to unpack yet, honey. I just, uh, I just need to chill out for the next few days.

LYNETTE: Oh. Tom. There'll be liquor. And hors d'oeuvres. And grown-ups without children. And, and silverware. Remember silverware?

TOM: Honey, can you take this in for me? (hands LYNETTE a camera)

LYNETTE: (takes the camera from him) Have you heard anything I just said?

TOM: Yeah, honey, I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm wiped out. Three cities in 6 days, my head is just pounding. I'm not ready for a dinner party.

LYNETTE: I already got a sitter.

TOM: Can you cancel her? (LYNETTE makes a shocked sound) Please? Look, let's just stay in tomorrow night. We can get a bottle of wine, and rent a video, and I just wanna hang out with my best gal. That's all.

LYNETTE: I was looking so forward to a night out.

TOM: I know, sweetie, I'm sorry, but I, I'm beat. I mean, do you remember what it's like to work a 60- hour week? (tosses a pair of socks into the laundry basket LYNTTE is holding and gets up, grabbing his briefcase and walking away.)

(LYNETTE just stands there, looking at him as he walks away.)

[CUT TO: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - KITCHEN]

REX: A dinner party? Do I have to go?

BREE: Well, given that we're hosting it, I say so. By the way, you won't be drinking at this party.

REX: Why's that?

BREE: Because when you drink, you get chatty. No one needs to know that we're seeing Dr. Goldfine.

REX: You know, if you spent half as much time working on our problems as you do covering them?

BREE: Not a drop!

REX: You know, this-this is ridiculous! This whole thing about us takingtennis lessons.

BREE: Well, the nurses at your office may start wondering why you're disappearing three times a week. Tennis lessons are a plausible alibi. (hands REX a lunch bag)

REX: So these tennis lessons we're taking. How we doing?

BREE: My backhand's improving immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve.

REX: Of course.

[CUT TO: EXT. MEYER HOUSE -- MORNING]

KARL: A dinner party?

SUSAN: It's tomorrow night, so if you could just keep Julie an extra day.

KARL: Fine, but that's all. Brandy and I leave Sunday for a week up at the cabin.

SUSAN: What cabin?

KARL: Brandy wanted someplace where we could get away. (turns to wink at BRANDI)

(BRANDI is leaning against the red car, drinking from a can. She waves back, smiling at KARL.)

KARL: Escrow just closed yesterday.

SUSAN: You can afford a cabin, but you can't scrape up child support?

KARL: The cheque is in the mail.

SUSAN: (opens the mailbox and looks in) Uh, no, it's not!

JULIE: (comes out the front door) I found my dental guard. I'm ready.

(JULIE looks at KARL and SUSAN, who both look down awkwardly.)

JULIE: Stop fighting.

SUSAN: We are being as nice as we possibly can to one another.

JULIE: Like I said, stop fighting. (gives SUSAN a kiss as she walks to KARL's car)

(BRANDI throws her drink can towards the rubbish bin. She misses, and it rolls to the ground in front of SUSAN.)

SUSAN: Excuse me. Brandy. (points at the can) Do you mind?

BRANDI: Oh. Okay.

KARL: Uh, Susan. You're right there, you can pick it up.

SUSAN: I could, but she's the one who threw it.

KARL: Come on, don't be petulant. Just pick up the stupid can.

(JULIE looks at KARL, seeing what's coming as it's about to escalate.)

SUSAN: No.

JULIE: I can pick it up.

SUSAN: Honey, stay out of this.

KARL: Fine. (walks towards SUSAN, about to pick up the can) This is so typical.

SUSAN: (kicks the can against Karl's legs) Oh, sorry. Was that petulant too?

KARL: You know what? Pick up the damn can yourself.

SUSAN: Yeah, well you just go to hell. (picks the can against the car, which rolls down the driveway and stops at MIKE and Bongo's feet.)

MIKE: You want me to pick it up? (grins at SUSAN)

SUSAN: Uh-(gestures helplessly)

[CUT TO: INT. YOUNG HOUSE - DINING TABLE]

(ZACH and PAUL are sitting at the table. PAUL is reading the paper.)

ZACH: Mrs. Formington said she looked for Mum's obituary, couldn't find it. Did you put one in?

PAUL: (sighs) I've had other things on my mind, Zach.

ZACH: But how could you not do that? People will think we didn't care about her.

PAUL: I doubt people will give it much thought. Don't worry about it.

ZACH: You never talk about her. She hasn't been dead a month, and it's like you totally forgot she ever existed.

PAUL: It's a little early for this kind of talk.

ZACH: Maybe when you die, I won't put in an obituary.

PAUL: That will be your choice to make. Assuming you outlive me.

[CUT TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE - DINING ROOM]

(GABRIELLE is on the phone with her mother. She picks up a glass of orange juice from the dining table.)

GABRIELLE: Mum, it's no big deal. Carlos and I will drive in for the baptism. Problem solved. (hears a tap on the front door, and goes to open the door for JOHN) Okay. Fine. You go with Aunt Maria, and I will take Nana to church. (whispers to John) Take your clothes off. Uh huh. I gotta go, Mum. Yes, right now. Okay. Uh, you can give me directions later. Bye. (puts down the phone) Hi, how was school?

JOHN: Got an A minus on my biology exam.

GABRIELLE: You did. Well, let's see what you've learned. (Gasps as she looks at the front door to see a little girl peering at her and JOHN kissing)

JOHN: Who's that?

GABRIELLE: I don't know. (goes towards the front door as the little girl runs away) Hey! You!

[CUT TO: EXT. SCAVO HOUSE]

(LYNETTE and SUSAN are getting out of the car, retrieving some shopping from the back seat and trunk.)

LYNETTE: So did Mike say anything?

SUSAN: No, but god, you should've seen the look on his face.

LYNETTE: I'm sure it's not that bad. He's coming to the party, right?

SUSAN: I left three messages. Oh, he's not gonna come. Big surprise. I did everything but foam at the mouth. God, I hate when I get that way. It's like every time I get within 10 feet of Karl, I just become this monster.

LYNETTE: You know what, it's not gonna change until you resolve your issues with that man.

SUSAN: What, you mean forgive him?

LYNETTE: Yeah.

SUSAN: You know, I've lived with this bitterness so long, I think I'd be lonely without it.

LYNETTE: Honey. Get a pet. See ya. (looks through a stack of photos, stopping at one.) Son of a-?

(Cut to: LYNETTE throwing a photo of TOM at a Mexican party with two other men, in front of TOM)

TOM: It's a business meeting!

LYNETTE: It's a frat party.

TOM: Regional manager, corporate manager, head of sales.

LYNETTE: Margarita, cigar, sombrero.

TOM: Ooh, look, honey, what do you want me to do? Sit around the hotel the whole time, watching cable?

LYNETTE: No! But when I say, we've been invited to a party, don't whine about your exhausting 60-hour week. Put on your dancing shoes, and take the mother of your children out for a good time.

TOM: Fine, you know what? Let's go to that party. (goes to the fridge, and takes out a pack of jelly and a spoon)

LYNETTE: Can't, I already cancelled the sitter.

TOM: Okay, well we'll throw the next one.

LYNETTE: Throw a dinner party? I don't even have time to wash my face. No, you know what? I'm gonna go to this one. You can stay home and baby-sit the kids.

TOM: Fine. I can handle that. (puts the spoon in his mouth as he tries to open the jelly pack)

(LYNETTE watches as TOM fiddles around with the jelly, unable to open it. She walks over and takes it from him, opening it with one swift pull. She walks off.)

TOM: Thank you.

[CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE]

(GABRIELLE is driving around in her black car with the top down. She pulls into her driveway to see CARLOS crouching in front of the little girl. They shake hands and talk as GABRIELLE gets out and walks over to CARLOS.)

NARRATOR: Gabrielle spent her morning searching for the mysterious little girl. Sadly for her, the mystery was solved a bit too quickly.

GABRIELLE: Hey! What's going on?

CARLOS: Have you met Ashley?

Neighbour: Found it! (walks up with a ball in her hands)

CARLOS: Babe, this is Sheila Bukowski, our new neighbour. They just moved into the Miller's old house.

SHEILA: My daughter just left her ball in your yard. I'm so sorry.

GABRIELLE: Oh, oh, no problem. Nice to meet you, Ashley.

SHEILA: She's shy, she doesn't say much.

CARLOS: Yeah, well I can see her little mind working away. (laughs)

SHEILA: Nice meeting you. Come on, Ashley.

[CUT TO: INT. YOUNG HOUSE - GARAGE]

(Zach goes into his garage at his house. He goes to a shelf, moving a box off and setting it down on another bench. He spots a small white box behind it, and takes it out, opening the box. He slowly takes out a gun, the one his mother used to kill herself. He looks at it.)

[CUT TO: INT. DR. GOLDFINE'S OFFICE - COUNSELLING ROOM]

(BREE and REX are sitting on the couch in front of DR. GOLDFINE.)

BREE: Private sessions? I don't understand, why do we need private sessions?

DR. GOLDFINE: Private sessions allow us to work on the personal issues of both partners.

BREE: Oh, well I don't have any personal issues. My only issue is that my husband wants to leave me, and how can I work on that if he's not in the room?

REX: There are things I need to discuss with Dr. Goldfine, and I can't have you there.

BREE: Why? I'm your wife, you can say anything in front of me. All we need is a few more sessions, and I'm sure we can.

REX: Damn it, Bree! A few more sessions isn't gonna fix us. This is bigger than that.

(BREE looks at REX, crestfallen.)

DR. GOLDFINE: Why don't we do it this way? Rex, you can take the first half hour. Bree, you can take the second.

BREE: Fine. Oh, and Doctor. If what he's about to discuss has anything to do with adultery, prostitution or internet pornography, I would really appreciate you taking a moral hardline. (gets up, holding a tennisracket, and walks out to the waiting room.)

[CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE - SIDEWALK]

(ASHLEY is sitting on the sidewalk, drawing with chalk on the sidewalk as GABRIELLE walks up to her tentatively.)

GABRIELLE: Hi, Ashley. Remember me? We met earlier?

(ASHLEY looks up at her, bored, then looks back down at her drawing.)

GABRIELLE: Wow, aren't you the little artist. What are those, flamingos?

ASHLEY: (sullenly) No.

GABRIELLE: (taken aback) Well, they're very pretty. It almost looks like they're kissing. Funny thing about kissing. It's not just for husbands and wives. Sometimes we kiss our mum, or our grandpa. Sometimes we even kiss our dog. Sometimes we even kiss people who are just our friends. Kinda like, a hi-five on the lips. Right? (holds up her hand for a hi-five. When ASHLEY doesn't respond, she laughs awkwardly) Hey, Ash. I was at the mall, and I saw this. Thought you might like it. She's Hawaiian. Her name is Princess Kahaluia. And, and I think it means Little Waterfall- Or Big Pond-or something.

(ASHLEY looks at the doll, then puts it on her lap as she continues to draw)

GABRIELLE: Okay! So we're good. Right?

(ASHLEY looks at GABRIELLE again, with an I-don't-believe-you expression on her face. Heh.)

GABRIELLE: Okay. Well, you enjoy your new girlfriend. And if there's anything else you need, you just let me know. (turns to walk away)

ASHLEY: What I'd really like, is a bike.

[CUT TO: INT. YOUNG HOUSE - LIVING ROOM]

(Paul walks into his darkened living room. He goes to the fridge and opens it, looking inside. Suddenly, he hears a clicking noise. He turns to see Zach sitting on the floor against the couch, holding the gun, turning the empty barrel of the gun. Paul walks over and switches on the table lamp. He looks at ZACH.)