Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on "desperate housewives"...one was careless...

Bree: You put a woman into a coma. Surely that arouses some kind of emotion.

Andrew: Well, it doesn't.

Mike: You and I are finished.

Mary Alice Voiceover: One said goodbye...

Lynette: I'm so tired of feeling like a failure.

Mary Alice Voiceover: One almost lost it...

Mrs. Huber: Your wife didn't kill herself because I wrote a note. She killed herself because of what she did to that poor baby.

Mary Alice Voiceover: And one got exactly what she deserved.

(As Mary Alice speaks via voice-over, the scenes Mary Alice describes are shown.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Gabrielle was waiting for her next great idea. Her first great idea came when she was fifteen, after her stepfather paid her a late-night visit. She bought a bus ticket to New York the very next day. Her next occurred five years later when she decided to seduce a famous fashion photographer. One week later, she began her career as a runway model, which soon led to her next great idea--her decision to marry Carlos Solis.

Before she knew it, she had jumped off the runway and moved to the suburbs. Her most recent great idea was born out of her boredom with her new life. That's how she came to start an affair with her teenage gardener, which was cut short by a tragic accident. So once again, Gabrielle was in need of a great idea."

(A nurse comes in and checks in on Mama Solis.)

Nurse: "Mrs. Solis, I know you're worried, but it's going to take time."

Gabrielle: "Hmmm? What is?"

Nurse: "You look sad. I assume you're thinking about your mother-in-law."

Gabrielle: "Oh, no."

Nurse: "So, uh, what were you thinking about?"

Gabrielle: "My life. It hasn't turned out like I thought it would."

Nurse: "Oh, honey!"

Gabrielle: "Oh, I know I shouldn't complain. It's just there's something missing, and I don't know what it is. Do you ever feel that way?"

Nurse: "Hmmm, no. When I go home at night, I sleep like a baby, because I know I did something that day that helped people."

Gabrielle: "That must be a nice feeling.''

Nurse: "Hmmm, it is. Of course, there are times I wish I didn't have to work so hard. We've got a real nursing shortage here, and they keep cutting our budget, and..."

(The nurse is interrupted by an announcement over the loud speaker.)

Announcement: "Attention all available personnel. Code blue, stat. Room 214."

Nurse: "Excuse me..."

(She rushes out of the room as the announcement is repeated. Curious, Gabrielle follows her.)

Nurse: "Damn it, get a doctor in here, I don't have an airway. No time, I have to intubate. Mr. Getz? Mr. Getz? Listen. You're not dying on me, okay? This tube is to help you breathe. I need you to be brave now!"

Mary Alice Voiceover: "It was then that Gabrielle got her next great idea."

(A nurse closes the curtains around the patient's bed.)

[Gabrielle's House]

Mary Alice Voiceover: "She decided to throw the first annual Sacred Heart Charity Fashion Show, to raise money for more nursing staff."

Betty: "Gabby, Gabby, I can't do it. I cannot walk down a runway in one of these dresses. They all make me look so fat. Please, get someone to take my place, Please!"

Gabrielle: "Betty, listen to me."

Betty: "No, no, please."

Gabrielle: "Listen, Betty! Okay? You're not quitting on me now. We're going to find you a gown. It's going to be black, and slimming and you're going to look great! I need you to be brave now."

Betty: "Okay."

(Betty walks off and Gabrielle looks pleased with herself.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "And that night, when she went to bed, Gabrielle slept like a baby."

Credits

[Gabrielle's House]

Mary Alice Voiceover: "News of the fashion show spread quickly on Wisteria Lane. Though the event was for charity, Gabrielle soon discovered that when it came to the latest fashions, women are seldom charitable. No one knew this better than Edie Britt. She understood that treachery never goes out of style."

(Edie finds a dress in the racks that she likes. She begins to rip off the tag that claims it's Susan's dress. As she pulls it from the rack and turns around, she runs into Susan, who was walking up.)

Edie: "Susan!"

Susan: "Give me the dress."

Edie: "I gave it a shot!"

(She hands the dress over.)

(In a different part of the room, Helen is admiring the dress she's wearing. Gabrielle comes up.)

Gabrielle: "Hi, Helen!''

Helen: "Hi!"

Gabrielle: "How's the dress fitting?"

Helen: "Great. Maybe it could be taken out at the shoulder a little."

Gabrielle: "Sure, no problem. There you go."

Helen: "You know, Gabrielle, I never thanked you properly."

Gabrielle: "For what?"

Helen: "For what you did for my son. It was so nice of you to hire John as your gardener."

Gabrielle: "Believe me, it's been my pleasure. How's he doing?"

Helen: "Good, good."

Gabrielle: "I hear he's dating Danielle Van de Kamp?"

Helen: "Well, for now. I think it's just a matter of time before they break up for good."

Gabrielle: "What's wrong?"

Helen: "Oh, she just seems to want much more of a relationship than he does. You remember what it's like dating teenage boys."

Gabrielle: "Vaguely."

Helen: "Thank you."

(She leaves to look at herself in the mirror again.)

(Carlos comes down the stairs, talking on the portable phone.)

Carlos: "No, you tell that son-of-a-bitch Tanaka that if he doesn't call me in an hour, I'm going to go down to his office, find him, and kick his ass."

(He hangs up the phone. The women stare at him.)

Carlos: "Ladies..."

(He walks off.)

(Susan comes up to Gabrielle.)

Susan: "Trouble at work?"

Gabrielle: "I don't know what his problem is. He's making money left and right. I just wish he'd relax."

(Off to the side, Edie gets upset.)

Edie: "Crap! Crap! Crap! I'm telling you, all of the good dresses are taken. Well, what the hell am I supposed to wear?"

Lynette: "Well, Mrs. Huber never showed up. Why don't you wear this one?"

Edie: "This is an old lady dress. You won't even be able to see my body."

Lynette: "That is so like you, Edie. You're always thinking of others."

Bree: "So, why isn't Mrs. Huber here?"

Edie: "Last I heard, she went to visit her sister. I just can't believe that Martha would agree to wear this. She always said she'd never be caught dead in black."

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Sadly for Mrs. Huber, this was no longer the case."

[Outside, in the woods]

(A large black bag, with a human-shaped lump inside is lying on the ground. Nearby, Paul digs a hole in the ground. When he's done, he drags the bag into the hole. An arm hangs out. He throws the green blender into the hole, next to the body, and then begins shoveling in the dirt.)

[Susan's House]

(Julie is spooning ice cream into a bowl when Susan comes in with the mail.)

Julie: "Hey Mom!"

Susan: "Julie, you'll never guess who you got a letter from. Zach. Isn't that weird, him writing you?"

Julie: "Yeah."

Susan: "Well, open! Open, open, open! He could have said something about Dana!"

Julie: "I'll read it later."

Susan: "Later? What's wrong with now?"

Julie: "I've got tons of homework, mom."

Susan: "Julie, what's going on?"

Julie: "This isn't the first letter I've gotten from Zach. We've been writing each other the last couple of weeks. Are you mad?"

Susan: "No, it's just when I was your age, my pen pal lived on a farm in Ohio, not in a mental institution. You know, that letter is one notch above prison mail."

Julie: "Zach's not crazy. He's just upset over his mom, and his dad doesn't even seem to care. He just needs a friend."

(She picks up her ice cream and leaves the kitchen.)

[Lynette's House]

(Lynette pays bills at the kitchen table while Tom, holding the baby, packs a bag.)

Tom: "I packed the diapers. I'm getting the juice boxes and the carrot sticks..."

Lynette: "Sunscreen?"

Tom: "Got it. I'll go pick up the boys, we'll hit the park. And that should give you a good couple of hours..."

(They kiss.)

Tom: "Enjoy the vacation!"

(Lynette leans back in her chair and gives Tom a look. Not a nasty look, just a look.)

Tom: "What?"

Lynette: "While you're gone, I'll be here, paying bills and sorting laundry and cooking dinner, so what part of that sounds like a vacation?"

Tom: "Okay, right. You know what? We'll pick up dinner, and, you just take a hot bath, relax. Recharge."

(Lynette smiles, her gaze continuing on Tom, and she puts her leg up on the table.)

Tom: "Okay, I get it. It's gonna take more than a hot bath to recharge, but, uh, don't forget: I'm here all week!"

Lynette: "Then what?"

Tom: "Then we go back to normal?"

Lynette: "Tom, our last version of normal had me popping pills. Normal is a bad, bad plan."

Tom: "Okay, so we'll put our heads together and we'll come up with a solution."

Lynette: "I think we need to hire a nanny. Full time. "

Tom: "It's just...it's a big, big commitment."

Lynette: "I know. And I know we can't afford it. And I know everything that's happened is my fault. But, if I don't get some help, there's an excellent chance, I will lose my mind."

Tom: "Okay. Well, then we have to make it work."

[Andrew's Swim Meet]

(Andrew horses around with his friends. Rex and Bree are in the stands, watching him.)

Bree: "It's just not right."

Rex: "What?"

Bree: "A woman is in a coma, because of Andrew. And there he is, happy as a clam!"

Rex (exhales): "Well, we grounded him, we took away the TV in his room. How many more ways do you want to punish him?"

(Bree turns to look at Andrew, who's put his swimming cap on, gotten on the diving board, and is ready. The buzzer sounds, and he dives into the pool.)

Bree: "I think we should make him quit the swim team."

Rex: "Bree, this is the one thing in his life that he's passionate about!"

Bree: "Well, maybe if we take it away from him, then he'll start to understand what he did! He has not shown an ounce of remorse since the accident."

Rex: "Of course he feels bad! He's just, you know, keeping up a facade."

Bree: "Well, he's doing a fabulous job!"

Rex: "Look, if we take him off the swim team, he'll lose his shot at an athleticscholarship, and then he's never going to forgive us!"

Bree: "Well, if it insures he grows up with some trace of humanity, then that's a risk I'm willing to take!"

Rex: "Well, I'm not."

Bree: "Well, that's because you just don't love him as much as I do!"

(Bree and Rex have faced off against each other, ignoring the swimming. The man in front of them glances back at them briefly before turning his attention back to the meet.)

Rex: "Well, isn't that nice."

Bree: "It's just a fact. I'm his mother. He lived inside of me."

Rex: "He hung out in your womb for a few months back in the 80s. Since then, I have grown to love him just as much as you!"

(The whistle blows and the audience begins to clap.)

Bree (to the man in front of them): "What just happened?"

Man: "That kid you both love so much just won the race."

(Bree looks at Andrew, who's slapping high-fives with other teammates, and she and Rex both start clapping.)

[Gabrielle's House]

(Preparations are being made for the fashion show when Gabrielle walks in, coming up to John.)

Gabrielle: "John!"

John: "My mom said you needed volunteers, so, I'm volunteering."

Gabrielle: "Oh! Finally got the charity bug?"

John: "You sound surprised."

Gabrielle: "No, not really. You were always a giver."

John: "Would you knock it off? My mom's right over there."

Gabrielle: "Have a seat. You can start by helping us alphabetize the donation cards."

(She hands them to him. He sits down and starts going through the box. She sits down across from him.)

Gabrielle: "So word on the street is you and Danielle might break up."

John: "Maybe. I don't know."

Gabrielle: "Is that because of me?"

John: "Not everything is about you."

(Gabrielle takes her foot out of her shoe and then puts it on John's inner thigh and pushes forward.)

John (jumps): "Would you stop that!"

Gabrielle: "Have you been thinking about me?"

John: "No."

Gabrielle: "Really?"

(John gulps.)

Gabrielle: "Could have fooled me."

(Susan walks in the room and goes up to Helen, who's working at the other end of the table.)

Susan: "Hey, do you need any help?"

Helen: "Please, just pull up a chair."

(Helen spills papers on the floor.)

Helen: "Oh, gosh."

Susan: "Oh, that's okay. I've got it."

(Susan looks under the table and sees Gabrielle's foot massaging John's thigh. She bumps her head on the table.)

Susan: "Ow! Oh!"

(She comes out from underneath the table and looks down to where Gabrielle and John are seated, apparently oblivious to each other.)

[Gabrielle's House]

(Gabrielle comes down her stairs to answer the door. Susan is there.)

Gabrielle: "Susan, hi! Do you want to help with the seating cards?"

Susan: "Sure. Do you want to tell me why you had your foot in John Rowland's crotch yesterday?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, that! Uh... He was helping me adjust the seam in my stocking, and from your angle, it must have looked a little weird."

Susan: "You're sleeping with him, aren't you?"

(Gabrielle quickly comes out to join Susan on the porch, closing the door behind her.)

Gabrielle: "Okay, yes, but you have to promise not to tell anybody."

Susan: "Gabrielle, he's in high school, and, it's illegal, and you're married. If Carlos found out, this would kill him."

Gabrielle: "It's just sex, it's totallyharmless."

Susan: "How can you call something like this harmless? After everything you know about what I went through with Carl?"

Gabrielle: "This isn't about you."

Susan: "Yes it is. It's about me, and about every other person who was screwed over by somebody they loved. When Carl ran off with Brandy, you saw what a basket case I was. I was crying, I, I was tearing up his clothes, I couldn't get out of bed all day. You were right there. How could you do the same thing?"

Gabrielle: "Whh--How can you compare me to Carl? It's not fair. You have no idea what my life is like."

Susan: "Well, why don't you enlighten me? You're beautiful, you have more money than you could spend, and you have a husband who adores you!"

Gabrielle: "No, he doesn't adore me. He adores having me."

Susan: "That's a rationalization and you know it! See you at the show."

(She leaves with Gabrielle looking after her.)

[Outside Lynette's House]

(Lynette is putting Baby Scavo into her car seat. Bree stands by the car, talking with Lynette.)

Bree: "How many nannies did you interview?"

Lynette: "Ten. Ten! Each one is more incompetent than the last. One actually asked me--here you go (she gives the bottle to the baby)--if she was expected to change diapers."

Bree: "Oh, good nannies are so hard to find."

Lynette: "Yeah, that's why I was hoping to take advantage of your expertise."

Bree: "Oh Lord, what do you want me to do?"

Lynette: "All your rich friends have nannies. A-list nannies. I need to catch one--here you go--without their bosses."

Bree: "Why?"

Lynette: "So I can poach me one."

Bree: "Lynette..."

Lynette: "Look, at my old job, we didn't wait for good people to come to us. We went out and raided other companies. I don't see why it should be different when you're hiring a nanny."

Bree: "I understand that good help is hard to find, but stealing a family's nanny is so...unseemly."

Lynette: "I'm not twisting anyone's arm. If I make a better offer, why shouldn't a qualified person reap the benefits? So come on...where can I score some high grade nanny?"

[Outside]

(John is putting supplies in his truck when Gabrielle walks up to him.)

John: "Hey, Mrs. Solis. I have some awesome news."

Gabrielle: "I have some not-so-awesome news, so you go first."

John: "I broke it off with Danielle. I passed her a note during French class. So we can be together."

Gabrielle: "John, your timing is impeccable."

John: "What do you mean?"

Gabrielle: "Susan Mayer saw us last night, and she knows everything."

(John sighs.)

[Outside of Bree's House]

(Bree closes the trunk to her minivan and walks to the front lawn with some fertilizer. Andrew, in his second-story bedroom, has the window open and leans outside. He catches sight of Bree. She looks up and sees him and starts inside.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Since the accident, Bree had started to worry that her son's sense of morality was going up in smoke."

(Andrew quickly pulls his head back into the room and starts cleaning up the remnants of something he was smoking.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "She was right to be concerned."

(Bree knocks on the door.)

Bree: "Andrew, can I come in?"

(Andrew waves the air.)

Andrew: "Uh, yeah, just a sec."

(He opens the door.)

Andrew: "Hey, what's up?"

Bree: "Why are you smiling?"

Andrew: "Ummm.. It's just a joke that I heard."

Bree: "Oh. What was it about?"

Andrew: "It's kind of dirty, Mom."

Bree: "Charming. What I was wondering was if you've bothered to spend any time reflecting on the reasons that you've been grounded, and all the pain that you've caused the Solis family."

Andrew: "Yeah, I, I totally get how actions have affected, like, everything else."

Bree: "Really?"

Andrew: "Uh-huh. Like, I mean, you know, like, when I do something, like I did. And, you know, you guys do something like you did, which is, which is, you know, cool because uh, then everything just kind of balances itself out, and, and goes all, smooth again, you know?"

Bree: "No, I don't."

(She pauses and sniffs the air.)

Bree: "What's that smell? Have you been smoking marijuana?"

(Bree grabs his head and stares at Andrew's eyes.)

Andrew: "No. Of course not."

Bree: "You are strung out!"

Andrew: "No! No, no, no, Mom"

Bree: "Excuse me,"

(She storms past him out of the room, leaving Andrew standing there speechless with his hands out in front of him. She goes to the kitchen, searching in the cabinets for something.)

(Bree returns with a plastic cup. She hands it to him.)

Andrew: "What's that?"

Bree: "It's the container you'll be urinating into."

(She grabs him by the ear and starts dragging him.)

Andrew: "Ow! Ow! Ow! That hurts!"

[Paul's House]

(Paul stands at the sink, scrubbing at bloody clothing in a wash basin. The blood is not coming out He throws the clothing into a garbage bag when somebody knocks at the door.)

Paul: "Dr. Sicher, what are you doing here?"

Dr. Sicher: "Mr. Young, I, I didn't want to upset you by telling you over the phone."

Paul: "What is it?"

Dr. Sicher: "Zach is missing from Silvercrest. It happened yesterday evening. We think it happened during the shift change. I know this is difficult to hear. I'm sorry."

Paul: "Yeah, well, it's, uh, just been one of those days."

[Outside of John's House]

(John and a friend are playing basketball.)

Friend: "I still don't get while you're not with Danielle anymore. She looked so slutty at Ray's party."

John: "She's not my type, I guess."

Friend: "What? Oh, you still hung up on your mysterious married lady? What is it with her, besides the obvious, of course?"

John: "We talk about real stuff, you know? She doesn't treat me like some lame yard boy."

Friend: "But you are a lame yard boy."

John: "It's all messed up now, anyway. Her friend found out about us. When it gets out, her husband is going to kill me."

Friend: "But on the upside..."

(Helen, John's mother, walks outside, unbeknownst to the boys, carrying the trash.)

Friend: "...your social status at school is going to explode when people find out you're doing a hot housewife!"

John: "Shut up, dude!"

(Helen stands there frozen.)

[Paul's House]

Paul: "Please explain to me how he could just walk out. With the money that I pay you people, I would think you could afford a padlock."

Dr. Sicher: "With all due respect, we are not a high security facility. And you have restricted our ability to treat Zach."

Paul: "What the hell does that mean?"

Dr. Sicher: "You've insisted that we medicate him without psychotherapy. That is a recipe for disaster. Zach is a troubled young man, and he is getting progressively worse."

[Susan's House]

(Zach looks out a window.)

Julie: "Hungry?"

Zach: "Starving."

(She hands him a plate.)

[Valley View Park]

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Bree had given Lynette the low down on Valley View Park. It was a gathering place for upscale nannies and their young charges. It was Lynette's first time there, and she was determined not to go home alone."

(She walks past a nanny blowing bubble gum and reading a magazine.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Of course, Lynette had high standards, so making a connection..."

(She walks past a nanny picking several French fries up off the ground, about to eat them.)

Mary Alice Voiceover:"...wasn't easy. Still, she was desperate to find that special someone..."

(She walks past an older nanny with a popsicle in her hand, asleep on the bench, quietly snoring.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "And that's exactly who she found."

(Lynette stops behind the bench of a young nanny with two children in front of her.)

Claire: "Okay. All-righty. Here's one for you and one for Amy."

(She gives the girl a kiss.)

Claire: "All right. Have fun..." she winks, "...and I'll be right here if you need me, okay?"

(The children run off.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "From the moment she saw her..."

Lynette: "Is this seat taken?"

Claire: "Nope, go ahead."

Mary Alice Voiceover:"...Lynette knew she had to have her."

Lynette: "You know, I couldn't help but notice how wonderful you are with those children."

Claire: "Thanks."

Lynette: "I'm Lynette."

Claire: "Claire."

Lynette: "Claire? I've always loved that name. So Claire..."( She laughs.) "Do you come here often?"

[Golf Course]

(Rex is walking toward his golf ball on the course. A golf cart with Bree in it approaches Rex on the course. She gets out and walks toward him. She hands him a plastic container with a yellow liquid.)

Rex: "What's this?"

Bree: "Your son's urine."

Rex (to his golf partner): "I'm gonna need a moment,"

Bree: "I think Andrew has been smoking marijuana, so I want you to take this and get it tested right away."

Rex: "Why?"

Bree: "Because I want you to pull him from the swim team and I don't think you'll allow it without proof."

Rex: "Proof or no proof, you're not going to take him off the team."

Bree: "Yes, I am."

Rex: "If you try, I'm going to go to the coach and tell him to ignore you. We're not gonna screw up Andrew's future just because he sparked a doobie! I mean, come on, we've all done it!"

Bree: "Not all of us! Rex, I thought you moved back home to try and straighten Andrew out! To, to teach him the consequences of his actions. I don't understand why you're fighting me on this."

Rex: "Because I disagree. Because we're still getting divorced, and I don't have to let you push me around anymore."

Bree: "I never pushed you around. We always made our decisions together."

Rex: "No, you always made decisions, and tell me I agreed. Eighteen years of smiling and taking it. What, what a liar I was! Thank God you're out of my life!"

Bree: "Rex!"

Rex: "Hmmm?"

(He turns.)

(She throws Andrew's urine all over Rex.)

Rex: "What the hell are you doing?"

Bree: "The same thing you just did to every memory I have of our marriage."

(She gets back in the golf cart.)