Episode 01.16 - The Ladies Who Lunch

Rex: Hey, Maisy.

Bree: Are you having an affair with my husband?

Carlos: Very good to be back.

Gabrielle: What's that?

Carlos: I'm on house arrest. It's a condition of my bail.

Gabrielle: How will you work?

Carlos: I can't. I can't do anything.

Felicia: Lord, that's Angela.

Paul: I'm afraid you're mistaken. My wife's name was Mary Alice.

Susan: I'm such an idiot! And you're such a liar! Oh, and apparently a killer!

(Ida Greenberg picks up a newspaper from a front walk and looks around guiltily. Then she sneaks quickly back to her own house while Bree comes out her house, holding a coffee cup.)

Bree: "Ida! Ida Green berg, that is not your paper!"

(Cut to Tom signing a paper on a clipboard while a cable guy stands next to him.)

Cable Guy: "Throw me a $20, and I'll hook you up with free porn."

(Tom glances back at the house, then looks at the cable guy.)

(Cut to kids toilet-papering a house. They've covered nearly the entire front of the house when a man comes outside holding a shotgun.)

Man: "Get the hell off my lawn!"

(He shoots the gun up into the air as the kids scatter. )

(Cut to Maisy Gibbons' house. Wearing sexy lingerie, she leads a gray-haired man up the stairs and into the bedroom.)

Man: "So your husband -- does he have any idea how many men pay for the privilege of sleeping in this bed?"

(He hands her some money and she tucks it away into a small box by the bed.)

Maisy: "There's not a lot of sleeping going on - not if I'm doing my job right. So how do you want to get started?"

(He pulls out handcuffs and holds them up.)

Man: "With these."

Maisy: "Well! That's going to cost you extra."

Man: "Maisy Gibbons, you're under arrest for solicitation."

Maisy: "What?"

Man: "Please turn and place your hands on the bed."

Maisy: "I'm sorry. I'm -- I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Now."

(He grabs her and forces her face down on the bed, putting the handcuffs on her.)

Maisy: "Hey! Aah! You get off me!"

(The man leads Maisy outside, where a handful of cops wait by a couple of squad cars.)

Maisy: "This is entrapment."

Man: "Right."

Maisy: "You all are making a gigantic mistake."

Man: "Yeah, yeah. Hey, fellas, here's one for your memoirs."

(Maisy breaks away from him and begins running down the sidewalk. The cops chase after her and when she trips and falls on her face, they pick her up, holding her off of the ground as she screams and shouts at them. Neighbors stand around, watching.)

(One of the neighbors watching pulls out her cell phone and flips it open.)

Credits

(Maisy is forced into the back of a cop car and the cops get into the front seat. She stares out the window.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "It is often said that good news travels fast, but as every housewife knows, bad news moves quite a bit faster."

(The woman who pulled out her cell phone earlier dials a number.)

Woman: "Tisha? Hey. You are not going to believe this. Maisy Gibbons was arrested."

Tisha: "You cannot be serious."

(The news travels very quickly throughout the neighborhood.)

[Barcliff Academy]

(The crossing guard walks distractedly across the street, on her cell phone.)

Crossing Guard: "Maisy Gibbons running in handcuffs? I'd have killed to see that!"

(She walks past Lynette's car. Lynette turns to Parker, sitting in the back seat.)

Lynette: "I'll be right back."

(She walks up to the front of the school, where some mothers are standing and a school official is talking to them.)

Headmaster Lenz: "Ladies, please calm down, ma'am. This is just a precaution. If you'll just take a flyer..."

(Lynette walks up to two other women, Tammy and Mona.)

Lynette: "Hey, guys. What's going on?"

Tammy: "Oh, there's been an outbreak of head lice."

Lynette: "Head lice."

Headmaster Lenz: "These flyers detail all the important information concerning the situation, including the recommended delousing combs."

Tammy: "Delousing? Do they have to make it sound so disgusting?"

Mona: "Does anybody know where it started?"

Headmaster Lenz: "I'm sorry. That's confidential information. Barcliff maintains a strict no-blame policy."

(Preston and Porter walk out of the school and Lynette waves to them.)

Lynette: "Hey, guys, over here."

Mona: "I think parents have a right to know who brought this into our school."

(As the boys walk toward her, they both begin scratching their heads.)

Headmaster Lenz: "Please calm down, ma'am. Our position is that there's nothing to be gained by pointing fingers."

(Tammy notices Lynette's intense gaze at her children and turns to see what she's looking at.)

Headmaster Lenz: "To identify the child who initiated the outbreak might result in him or her being subjected to ridicule."

(Tammy sees the twins scratching and turns a meaningful gaze onto Mona, who catches sight of them as well. Lynette, distracted, keeps her eyes on her boys.)

Lynette: "I, um, excuse me."

Headmaster Lenz: "If you'll just take a flyer..."

Lynette: "Stop scratching. Stop scratching. Now, now, stop it. Guys, let's go, okay? Stop scratching. I mean it. Stop, stop."

Lynette: "Hey. See you later."

Tammy and Mona: "Bye."

(They watch Lynette and her boys walk away from them.)

[Gabrielle's House]

(Gabrielle is in the shower when Carlos walks into the bathroom. He sips from a cup of coffee and looks down at the sink, which is slowly filling up, from the drain, with brown-colored liquid.)

Carlos: "What the hell? Gabrielle!"

Gabrielle: "What?"

Carlos: "Hey, Gabrielle! I think we got a problem here!"

Gabrielle: "I can't hear you!"

Carlos: "I said, I think we got a problem! The water's backing up here!"

Gabrielle: "What?"

Carlos (to himself): "Is that sewage?"

(Gabrielle starts screaming from the shower.)

Carlos: "Yeah, that's sewage."

[Carlos and Gabrielle stand next to a large hole that Mike dug in their front yard. Mike stands in the hole.]

Gabrielle: "So, uh, Mike. The suspense is killing us. Why don't you just tell us the bad news?"

Mike: "Well, your outtake pipe's completely corroded. That's why it collapsed. I'm gonna have to tear it out and repipe the whole system."

Gabrielle: "And how much is this gonna cost?"

Mike: "I'll do the job for you at cost, but you're still looking at six, seven grand, minimum."

(Gabrielle looks at Carlos and he clears his throat quietly.)

Gabrielle: "Okay, well, we'll let you know."

Mike: "Look, um...if money's an issue..."

Gabrielle: "Oh, no, no, no, it's not the money. It's just, uh, Carlos and I are trying to prioritize some little things we need to do around the house."

Mike: "Right. And, uh, you don't consider sewage backing up in the house a priority?"

Gabrielle: "It's definitely on the short list."

Mike: "I'm kind of surprised you called me."

Gabrielle: "Why?"

Mike: "Well, um, ever since my arrest, nobody around here seems to want to have much to do with me."

(Carlos chuckles and lifts a leg slightly, showing Mike the detector that's around his ankle.)

Carlos: "Innocent until proven guilty, my man."

(They turn and walk back into the house.)

Gabrielle: "Hope he's more innocent than you are."

[Susan's House]

(Susan pushes the Play button on her answering machine.)

Lynette's Voice: "Hey, it's Lynette. I know you're down about this Mike thing, but you got to come to poker. It'll be worth it. I got dirt on Maisy Gibbons."

(The machine goes to the next message.)

Mike's Voice: "Hey, Susan, it's me. Look, I really wish you'd return my calls. We need to talk. I know I messed things --"

(Susan pushes the Erase button, cutting him off. )

Julie: "You okay?"

Susan: "Hi."

Julie: "You know, I can stay home if you want."

Susan: "No, no, no. Now, I know how much you were looking forward to this weekend with your dad. I'm fine."

Julie: "You don't look fine."

Susan: "Well...I'm a little sad. Mike and I were just a fling. And not even a full fling. Sort of a borderline fling."

Julie: "Mom, anyone can see how much you loved him."

Susan: "Well, I also loved junk food, and I gave that up, and I survived."

(A horn honks from outside.)

Susan: "There's your father. Go have fun."

Julie: "Last chance. You're sure?"

Susan: "I'm sure. Now go."

Julie: "You'll find someone else, mom. Someone great. I know it."

[Fairview Country Club]

(Rex and Bree sit at a table eating lunch.)

Bree: "What's wrong, Rex? Didn't you enjoy your golf game with Dr. Wallace?"

Rex: "I didn't play. I'm still feeling sluggish."

Bree: "Still? Did you talk to him about that?"

Rex: "Yeah, of course. He doesn't understand why the medication isn't working, and he wants me to come in for a checkup tomorrow."

(Some women laughing at the next table cause the two of them to turn and look. Tisha walks away from that table and heads to another one.)

Bree: "I can see that Tisha is making the rounds. She must have some juicy new anecdote."

Rex: "Then, get her over here. I could use a funny story today."

Bree: "Tisha. Tisha. Oh, I can tell by that look on your face you've got something good. Now, come on, don't be selfish."

Tisha: "Well, first off, you're not friends with Maisy Gibbons, are you?"

(There's a short pause as Rex and Bree stare at each other before Bree turns back to Tisha.)

Bree: "No."

Tisha: "Thank god, because this is too good. Maisy was arrested. While Harold was at work, she was having sex with men in her house for money. Can you imagine?"

Bree: "No, I can't."

Tisha: "And that's not even the best part. Word is, she had a little black book with all her clients' names."

Rex: "So, uh...you think that'll get out?"

Tisha: "Of course. These things always do. Nancy, wait up. I can't wait to tell you this. Wait, wait."

(She rushes off.)

Bree: "Well, you heard your funny story, Rex. Why aren't you laughing?"

[Lynette's House]

(Lynette and Tom stand over a twin, combing out any and all lice that they find. The telephone rings.)

Tom: "I'll get it."

(He quickly tosses a louse into a cup of water on the table and picks up the phone. One of the twins reaches for the glass.)

Lynette: "Aah, aah, aah."

Tom: "Hello. Hi, Tammy, yeah."

Twin: "Can we see one of the bugs?"

Lynette: "Yeah, here. See? It's this little white thing. Look. It looks like a --"

She sees that the twin she had been working on took the tweezers and clamped them on his face.

Lynette: "Aw, jeez. (she removes the tweezers) It looks like a sesame seed."

Twin: "That's cool."

Lynette: "Yeah, well, there's lots more where that came from."

Tom: "No, I'm -- I'm so sorry. He must be so disappointed. But, look, we'll get all the boys together once Topher's back on his feet. Bye."

Lynette: "What'd Tammy want?"

Tom: "She's canceling Topher's birthday party on Sunday. He's come down with the measles, so..."

Twin: "Aww!"

Lynette: "Measles, huh?"

Tom: "Yeah. What?"

Lynette: "Tammy Brennan spent a fortune on Topher's party. She'd call in specialists from Switzerland before she'd let it be canceled."

Tom: "Okay. Why would Tammy lie to us?"

Lynette: "Because she saw Porter scratching his head at school. They all did, and now word's getting around."

Tom: "Why is everything a conspiracy theory with you? I mean, lots of kids get lice. It's not that big a deal."

Lynette: "Well, it is for the rich bee-eye-tee-see-atch's..."

(Tom looks exasperated as he quickly covers the ears of the twin he's working on.)

Lynette: "...at Barcliff Academy."

Tom: "Lynette."

Lynette: "It's been one day, and they've been disinvited to a birthday party. If rumors start flying, these boys can kiss campouts and pool parties goodbye."

Twin: "Uh-oh."

Lynette: "Yeah, not so cool now, huh?"

[Paul's House]

(Edie hands Paul a folder with papers in it.)

Edie: "It's all here. Appraisal, title search, and escrow documents. "

Paul: "Again, I'm sorry about changing my mind, but this just isn't really a good time to sell the house. Zach's going through a lot, and he wants to finish high school before moving."

Edie: "Ah, forget it. It's part of the business. I expect to get screwed over."

(As they walk down the sidewalk towards Edie's car, she opens her briefcase.)

Edie: "Now, where is your house key? Oh, I must have left it at home. I'll bring it by tonight."

Paul: "No one will be here. Zach's away on a school trip, and I'm going to Mount Pleasant on business today. Just, uh, drop it by tomorrow."

Edie: "Or I could just keep it."

Paul: "What?"

Edie: "It's a joke, Paul. I know your wife's dead and all, but it's been six months. Lighten up."

(She walks to her car and Felicia comes down the sidewalk towards them.)

Felicia: "Hello."

Paul: "Felicia."

Edie: "Oh, hi, Felicia."

Felicia: "Edie, I found this in my sister's things. It has your name on it."

Edie (gasps): "My necklace. Oh, you know...I lent this to Martha three months ago, and she said that it went down the drain. Oh, I miss how we used to steal things from one another."

Paul: "So, Felicia. I heard they have a suspect in your sister's murder. Mike Delfino."

Felicia: "Oh, he didn't kill her."

Paul: "But they found her jewelry in his garage."

Felicia: "But his fingerprints weren't on any of it."

Paul: "Well, that just means he wore gloves."

Felicia: "So, he's smart enough to use gloves, but he leaves her blood-spattered jewelry lying around for anyone to find? Please. Is that what you'd do if you killed someone?"

Paul: "I don't know what goes through the mind of a murderer. I'm just saying I wouldn't trust him if I were you."

(Edie finishes putting the necklace around her neck and after a moment of staring thoughtfully at Paul, Felicia turns to her.)

Felicia: "Edie...that is lovely. Is it an antique?"

Edie: "Yeah, I think so."

Felicia: "You know, I know a store you would love. It specializes in antiquejewelry. It's in Salt Lake City. Have you ever been to Salt Lake City?"

Edie: "No, I try to steer clear of Utah. It's a little too...conservative for me."

Felicia: "Too bad. Have you ever been, Paul?"

Paul: "No."

Felicia: "It's lovely. I used to live there when I was a nurse. You should definitely go sometime."

(She chuckles.)

Felicia: "Bye."

(She leaves, with Paul and Edie staring after her.)

[Lynette's House, bathroom]

(Gabrielle hurriedly brushes her teeth. A little later, she uses a washcloth to give herself a quick sponge bath on her arms and neck. After making herself look presentable, she takes the washcloth she was using and tosses it to the side. )

Mary Alice Voiceover: "With no indoor plumbing, Gabrielle was now forced to improvise when it came to her personal hygiene wherever and whenever she had the opportunity."

(A few minutes later, she enters Lynette's kitchen and sits down at the table, where she picks up her cards and reaches for some food in the center of the table.)

Gabrielle: "Ahem. Sorry."

Edie: "That's okay. I was just about to give a Maisy Gibbons update."

Lynette: "Guys, we should be ashamed of ourselves for reveling in that woman's misery. That being said, Edie, please continue."

Edie: "Well, I hear from a very reliable source that Maisy's gonna cut a deal with the prosecution. Apparently, she has some high-profile johns, and the D.A.'s looking for a second term."

Lynette: "I don't get it. I don't get who would pay Maisy for sex."

Gabrielle: "Obviously, someone who's not getting it at home."

Edie: "So, the upshot is Maisy is going to turn over her little black book with all of her clients' names."

Lynette: "Really."

Edie: "Yep. I mean, can you imagine the fallout when this goes public? Ooh, blood on the walls."

Gabrielle: "I'm all in."

Lynette: "I'll call. Bree? "

Bree: "Uh, what just happened?"

Lynette: "The stakes were raised."

Bree: "Yes, yes, they were. I fold."

(Later, Lynette cleans up while Edie sits at the table, organizing the chips she won.)

Lynette: "I can't believe how lucky you were today."

Edie: "Luck had nothing to do with it. I had crappy cards. I was bluffing the entire time."

Lynette: "Really? Wow, you're good."

Edie: "Oh, that's the only nice thing I could say about my first husband -- he taught me how to bluff."

Lynette: "He played poker?"

Edie: "No, he was lousy in bed. I had to fake a lot of orgasms. You don't have to respond."

Lynette: "Thank you."

Edie: "So, uh, where was Susan today?"

Lynette: "Um, I'm not sure."

Edie: "Wow! Tom must be great in bed."

Lynette: "Huh?"

Edie: "Well, obviously, you have no idea how to bluff."

Lynette: "Okay. She's going through something, and I'm sure she'd prefer it to be private."

Edie: "She's upset with Mike, isn't she? Well, come on. I'm gonna find out sooner or later."

Lynette: "She's devastated about the breakup, and she hasn't left the house in days."

Edie: "Well, why didn't you just tell me that?"

Lynette: "Because it's personal. It's the kind of thing she would only want me to tell her friends."

Edie: "I'm Susan's friend. Well, I don't hate her."

Lynette: "Edie, if you want me to share stuff with you, you're gonna have to start being more supportive of Susan."

Edie: "Okay. How?"

Lynette: "What do friends do? They call, they're sympathetic, they ask about the pain the other person is going through, and then they listen."

Edie: "What if you want to be supportive, but you just can't stand listening to people bitch?"

Lynette: "Then it's good to know how to bluff."

[Paul's House]

(Paul opens up a box that has a large jumble of video tapes in it. He roots through it until he finds one labeled "Utah - Angela's Award Party." He goes to the VCR and puts the tape in. On it, Mary Alice is with a group of people at work. She hands out napkins, grinning, as they all offer congratulations to her.)

(Paul, watching, smiles. Mary Alice holds up a plaque to the camera that reads "Wake Forrest Employee of the Year." The camera pulls back and pans slightly to the left, where a younger-looking Felicia is standing next to Mary Alice, smiling as she looks at the plaque. Paul quickly pauses the videotape and it stops on Felicia's face as she congratulates Mary Alice.)

[Gabrielle's House, backyard]

(Sitting by the Jacuzzi, Gabrielle and Carlos perform their ablutions. Carlos, wearing only pants, is shaving, using a small mirror to see himself, and Gabrielle, wearing a bikini, shaves her legs, using the Jacuzzi to wash the razor.)

Gabrielle: "God, I have to go to the bathroom again."

Carlos: "Go to Bree's."

Gabrielle: "I've been to Bree's twice today."

Carlos: "Then go to Susan's."

Gabrielle: "I hate Susan's. She has all these weird scented candles. Her house reeks of apricot. Hose."

(Carlos turns the hose on her legs and she shrieks slightly when the water hits her.)

Carlos: "How about Lynette's?"

Gabrielle: "No, you don't understand. I don't want to go to anybody's house anymore. I'm tired of knocking on doors and making up excuses as to why we haven't fixed our plumbing."

Carlos: "Why are you yelling at me?"

Gabrielle: "Because it's your fault."

Carlos: "My fault?"

Gabrielle: "Yes. If you hadn't gotten yourself indicted, we would have pipes right now."

Carlos: "I got indicted trying to make enough money to keep you happy. In case you hadn't noticed, you're a little materialistic."

Gabrielle: "Oh, I'm materialistic? When the Johnson's bought their new 7-series, you were the one who went right in and traded in his car for something better."

Carlos: "Who ended up driving it?"

(Gabrielle wraps a towel around herself and then dumps a small load of laundry into the jacuzzi.)

Gabrielle: "You know what? I don't have time to fight right now. I have laundry to do."

(She turns on the jacuzzi so that bubbles are released into the water, swishing the clothing around. She stalks off.)

[Barcliff Academy]

(Lynette comes up to a closed nurse's office in the school. She opens the door and peeks her head in.)

Lynette: "Nurse Abigail?"

Nurse Abigail: "Mrs. Scavo, right? The twins' mother?"

Lynette: "I just wanted to tell you that the boys are now lice-free."

Nurse Abigail: "Good to hear."

(Lynette steps fully into the office and closes the door behind her.)

Lynette: "I just can't figure out how it happened. They get a bath every night. Trust me, it's the ugliest 15 minutes of the day."

Nurse Abigail: "I believe you."

Lynette: "I keep thinking that maybe it was the petting zoo that I took them to last week. That llama was really iffy."

Nurse Abigail: "Mrs. Scavo, it doesn't work that way. Lice only spreads from human to human. Even the cleanest kid in the world can get it if he gets too close to the wrong kid."

Lynette: "Really?"

Nurse Abigail: "Yes. So don't be so hard on yourself, huh?"

Lynette: "I guess. Still, I can't help but feel a little guilty. After all, my kids started an entire lice outbreak."

Nurse Abigail: "Look, your, uh, your kids didn't start it."

Lynette: "They didn't?"

Nurse Abigail: "No. I know for a fact that patient zero was another little boy. This is his fourth time with this particular problem."

Lynette: "Oh. That is a load off my mind. Well, thank you."

(She heads back towards the door, then turns around.)

Lynette: "So which kid is it?"

Nurse Abigail: "I can't tell you. You know we have a no-blame policy. We have to protect the children. You understand."

Lynette: "Of course."

(She turns to the door, then turns back around.)

Lynette: "No, I don't. You're going to have to give me a name."

Nurse Abigail: "Mrs. Scavo --"

Lynette: "Here's the thing. Acting like parents won't assign blame is like pretending they don't keep score at pee-wee league games. It's human nature. If you don't give the moms someone to blame, they'll pick a scapegoat. I can't let my boys be the scapegoat."

Nurse Abigail: "Please don't put me in this position."

Lynette: "I'm begging you. They've already been uninvited from a birthday party, a really big birthday party with a bouncy house and a hot dog stand and a clown."

Nurse Abigail: "I wish I could help you, but --"

Lynette: "For god's sakes, there's gonna be a magician. Tammy Brennan went all out."

Nurse Abigail: "Tammy Brennan? Topher's mother?"

Lynette: "Yes."

Nurse Abigail: "Well, isn't that interesting. Have a seat."

[Fairview County Prison]

(A buzzer sounds and Maisy Gibbons, in orange prison scrubs, is led into a room where prisoners meet with visitors.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Meanwhile, at the Fairview County Prison, Maisy Gibbons was delighted to find out she had a visitor, but she was soon reminded one should always beware of visitors bearing gift baskets."

(The visitor's door opens and a close-up of a decorated gift basket being held is shown.)