Episode 01.15 - Impossible

Gabrielle: John, you're a toy. You and me -- no future.

Tom: Remember what it was like to work a 60-hour week?

Mike: You are never going to get somebody who cares as much about finding Deirdre as I do.

Susan: You shot yourself?

Mike: Pretty lame, huh?

Julie: Mom!

Zach: You're not taking her away from me.

Susan: Get out.

Lynette: I needed you to see something. They said they stole it from Mike's garage.

Susan: Is that blood?

[Bree's House]

(Bree comes down the stairs with a basket of laundry.)

(As she sorts the laundry in front of the washer, she pulls out a condom from the basket.)

(Moments later, she holds it up in front of Rex, who's paying bills at the dining room table.)

Rex: "It's not mine."

Bree: "You promised the cheating had stopped, Rex. You promised."

Rex: "Could we not yell at each other? I'm feeling really lousy today."

Bree: "I want you out of the house!"

Rex: "Bree, look at me. It's not mine."

Bree: "Well, then, whose is it? It didn't just magically appear in my laundry basket."

Rex: "Well, I'm not the only guy in this house that uses that hamper."

(He gets up and walks through the kitchen. Bree follows him.)

Bree: "No."

Rex: "Sorry."

Bree: "Andrew is still a child."

Rex: "He's sixteen. It's not unheard of."

Bree: "Honey, you have to talk to him."

Rex: "And tell him what?"

Bree: "Tell him that we found his condom and that he is forbidden from - y'know."

Rex: "I can absolutely tell him that we think he's too young, but I don't think it's gonna do any good."

Bree: "Well, then the least we can do is go search his room and if we find any more of these, we'll confiscate them."

Rex: "And that will accomplish what?"

Bree: "Well, if we take away his condoms, maybe--"

Rex: "He's a teenage boy. We could take away his penis. He'd still try to have sex."

Bree: "Well, we can't put it back in his room. I mean that would be like we're condoning him having pre-marital sex."

Rex: "Bree, let me put this another way. Do you want to become a grandmother?"

(Cut to Bree leaving freshly-laundered clothes on Andrew's bed, then leaving his room, passing Andrew in the hallway. Andrew enters in his room.)

(Once in his room, Andrew sees the condom conspicuously left on his bed.)

Credits

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Each new morning in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies. Little white lies told not to hurt."

(A postman walks past a woman putting a bumper sticker on her car. The woman looks grumpy.)

Postman: "Morning Mrs. Cutchel. You look lovely today."

(The woman smiles after him.)

Mary Alice Voiceover:"...but to make life more pleasant. They tell these lies to protect themselves and their reputations."

(The postman thumbs through the small stack of bills marked "Past Due" addressed to the Solis residence as he walks up to Carlos and Gabrielle's house. Carlos walks up the sidewalk to meet him and takes the mail.)

Carlos: "Oh, for God sakes, this is unbelievable. It's the last time I do my banking online."

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Of course, every now and then, the day arrives when someone finally decides to tell the truth."

[Bree's House]

(Susan, Gabrielle, and Bree sit at the dining room table with coffee cups in front of them. Lynette stands in the corner.)

Gabrielle: "He was shot? How could you not tell us about this?"

Susan: "He was embarrassed. He said it was an accident. Oh, don't look at me like that. Accidents happen."

Gabrielle: "We know that you want to trust Mike, but he had a dead woman's jewelry in his garage."

Susan: "Now, did he? We don't know that for sure. All we know is that Lynette's kids turned up with it."

Bree: "So what are you saying, that the twins murdered Martha?"

Lynette: "Well, I wouldn't put it past them."

Susan: "I'm saying that is about as likely as Mike having done it. He's a good guy. I know him. I mean, he's, he's Mike."

Lynette: "Honestly, I don't think Mike did it either, but if we don't call, we're guilty of withholding evidence."

Bree: "Well, you know what? If he is innocent, this should be a simple matter to clear up."

Gabrielle: "But, we will do whatever you want us to do."

Susan: "Okay, call."

Bree: "So should I just dial nine one one?"

Gabrielle: "Well, it's not really an emergency."

Lynette: "It was a murder."

Bree: "Well, not recently, and I'd prefer not to tie up the line."

Susan: "Will you just call?"

(Bree dials the phone.)

[Susan's House]

(There's a knock on the door. Julie answers it. It was Zach.)

Zach: "Hey."

Julie: "My mom will be home any minute. She'll freak if she sees you here."

Zach: "Oh, I just wanted to deliver this personally. I'm having a party."

Julie: "You know she doesn't want us to see each other."

Zach: "Well, you gotta come. You're the reason I'm doing this."

Julie: "I'll try to talk to my mom, okay? But you really gotta go."

(He turns and walks away.)

[Outside Gabrielle's House]

(Gabrielle, returning home, is greeted by a young man leaning against his truck.)

Justin: "Hey, Mrs. Solis."

Gabrielle: "I'm sorry. Do I know you?"

Justin: "Yeah, I'm Justin. John's roommate? I've been waiting forever for you to show up."

Gabrielle: "Really, why?"

Justin: "I want to do you a favor."

Gabrielle: "What kind of favor?"

Justin: "Well, John says that you can't exactly afford a gardener right now, and I told him I'd be happy to do it. For free."

Gabrielle: "You want to mow my lawn for free?"

Justin: "Mow your lawn, water your flowers, trim your bushes. I could do everything John did for you."

Gabrielle: "That's very generous of you, but I don't think so."

Justin: "Why?"

Gabrielle: "Because my husband is home quite a lot these days. If any bush needs trimming, he takes care of it."

Justin: "Well, this is a very beautiful yard. I'm sure it could use a little extra attention."

Gabrielle: "I'm flattered, but no, thank you."

(She starts to walk past, and he grabs her arm, holding on.)

Justin: "Mrs. Solis, please."

Gabrielle: "Did I mention why my husband's home a lot? He's under house arrest."

Justin: "Oh?"

Gabrielle: "He has a lot of anger toward the government right now and he's just dying to find someone to take it out on."

(He lets go of her arm and she walks briskly towards her front door.)

[Lynette's House]

(Tom enters the house as the boys are playing hockey in the living room.)

Tom: "Hey guys, this isn't a hockey rink. Can you take it outside?"

Lynette: "How was your day?"

Tom: "Hey. I didn't get the V.P. gig."

Lynette: "Oh, Tom, I'm so sorry."

Tom: "It just doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, I'm Peterson's go-to guy, so how does Tim Doogan, the biggest blow-hard in the office get promoted to vice president over me?"

Lynette: "I thought you liked Tim Doogan."

Tom: "I do. I just, I just, I really wanted that promotion. Boys, can you please take the Stanley Cup Finals outside?"

(The boys ignore him.)

Lynette: "Well, did you tell Mr. Peterson that you wanted the job?"

Tom: "I have worked at that firm for eight and a half years. Doogan's been there for less than two. I am not going to beg."

Lynette: "I'm not saying to beg. You just have to step up from time to time. You have to see your opportunity and take it. Nobody respects a shrinking violet."

Tom: "There is more than one, you know, leadership style. Mine is quiet but effective."

Lynette (shouting at the boys): "Take that racket outside!" (to Tom) "Well, whatever works for you."

(The boys immediately stop playing and head outside.)

[Outside Susan's House]

(Susan is taking groceries out of her car when Mike comes up from behind her.)

Mike: "Susan! Hey, sexy, where you been? I called you twice. You avoiding me?"

Susan: "Don't be silly. Why would I do that? No, I've just been really busy grocery shopping."

Mike: "For two days? You must be pretty well stocked."

(From behind Mike, police officers come out of unmarked cars and quickly and quietly draw their guns and walk hurriedly towards Mike. Susan notices them and looks worried.)

Mike: "How 'bout dinner tonight?"

Susan: "Uh, dinner, tonight?"

Mike: "You okay?"

(One of the cops motions with his hand for Susan to get down.)

Susan: "Can you hold these a sec?"

(She hands the groceries and dives to the ground. Immediately, the cops grab Mike and push him towards Susan's car, handcuff him, and start pulling him away while reading him his rights.)

Cop: "Up against the car! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do say can be used against you in a court of law..."

[Bree's House]

(At the dinner table, the four Van De Kamps eat.)

Andrew: "So, get this. Zach Young is throwing a pool party Saturday night and he sent out a bunch of formal invitations complete with fancy lettering."

Danielle: "I'm surprised he didn't spritz them with after shave."

Bree: "What is wrong with nice invitations?"

Andrew: "Mom, it's a pool party."

Danielle: "Why couldn't he have just pass out fliers in the quad?"

Andrew: "Because he's genetically incapable of being cool?"

Rex: "So, uh, you going?"

Andrew: "Maybe. I mean, um, Lisa and Justin and some of the guys thought it'd be fun to swim. We can always bail if it's as lame as we think it's gonna be."

Bree: "Is Lisa your friend with the pierced navel?"

Andrew: "Yeah."

Bree: "You've been spending a lot of time together lately, haven't you?"

Andrew: "I guess."

Bree: "Oh, uh, Andrew, I'm gonna want you home by eleven on Saturday."

Andrew: "Eleven? Mom, it's not even a school night."

Rex: "Bree, a curfew isn't gonna do any good."

Bree: "You may be able to abdicate all your parental responsibility but I cannot."

Andrew: "What, what's going on here? Would this have to do with the condom you left in my room?"

Bree: "As a matter of fact it does, and just so we're clear, if you get Lisa pregnant, you will marry her."

(Andrew lets out an exasperated laugh.)

Bree: "Andrew, this is not funny."

Andrew: "Mom, trust me. This is very funny, mostly because the condom wasn't mine."

(Bree stares accusingly at Rex, who in turn stares at Andrew like he knows he's lying.)

(Andrew turns to Danielle, who, when she catches her father's eye, leans back in her chair and turns to Andrew.)

Danielle: "You suck, you know that?"

(Bree stares at Danielle, her mouth hanging open in shock.)

(Later, Bree walks into the kitchen where Danielle is.)

Bree: "So obviously we need to talk."

Danielle: "I'm still a virgin if that's what you want to know."

Bree: "Well, good. But why on earth would you need a condom?"

Danielle: "Because I'm planning on having sex and I don't want to get pregnant."

Bree: "Danielle, you are president of the Abstinence Club."

Danielle: "I wasn't planning on running for a second term."

Bree: "Who were you planning on having sex with?"

Danielle: "John."

Bree: "John Rowland? I thought you broke up with him."

Danielle: "No, he broke up with me. And you want to know why? Because I wouldn't do it."

Bree: "Well, if that's the type of boy he is, then good riddance."

Danielle: "Mom, every boy at my school is that type of boy. And besides, it's different with John. I love him."

Bree: "Oh, sweetheart, just because you give a boy sex doesn't mean you'll get love in return."

Danielle: "So maybe I'm being stupid. What's the big deal? It's just sex."

Bree: "Honey, I am looking out for your happiness. Now, I understand what it's like to be young and feel urges, but I waited until I got married, as did your father, and it was so much better."

Danielle: "Daddy ended up cheating on you."

Bree: "Yes. Well -"

Danielle: "And every since he moved back in, you've been miserable."

Bree: "Why would you say that?"

Danielle: "The walls between our bedrooms are paper-thin. I hear more stuff than I probably should."

Bree: "Oh."

Danielle: "Look, mom, I love you a lot but you really are the last person to ever give anyone advice about sex and happiness."

(She gives her mom a kiss on the cheek and walks out of the room.)

[Gabrielle's House]

(Gabrielle picks up the stack of bills and tosses them in front of Carlos.)

Gabrielle: "Have you seen these? Five more past due notices."

Carlos: "Don't worry. I'm handling it."

Gabrielle: "How? How are you handling it?"

Carlos: "Can I please finish my sandwich?"

Gabrielle: "Have you seen our checking account lately? We're broke. And then we have the mortgage payment coming up. We have property taxes.."

Carlos: "Gabby, it's going to be okay."

Gabrielle: "No, it's not. We are seriously screwed, and I am freaking out that you're not freaking out."

Carlos: "Look, things will turn around."

Gabrielle: "When?"

Carlos: "I don't know when, but we're lucky people, and we'll be lucky again."

Gabrielle: "What is that?"

Carlos: "It's the lawnmower. We got a new gardener today. It's not going to cost us a cent. The kid's a friend of John's."

Gabrielle: "Carlos--"

Carlos: "And he said that he'd do the lawn for free. Can you believe it? We are lucky people."

(Carlos goes back to his sandwich while Gabrielle stands in the doorway, glaring at Justin, who mows the lawn with his shirt off. He sends a triumphant smile her way.)

[Baseball Field]

(A company softball game is in progress. In the dugout, a man walks to position to bat, while others call out his name and he waves to the crowd.)

Doogan: "Hey you guys, good to see you again."

(Tom sits on the bench, staring after him glumly. Lynette comes up to him and sits down.)

Lynette: "Hey! Don't look so glum. You're gonna get a hit."

Tom: "It's not that. This is my hating Tim Doogan look." (in an announcer's voice) "Oh, Doogan connects. Look at the job-stealing bastard run. Doogan is really showing some of the glory-hounding, ass-kissing hustle that he is so well known for."

Lynette: "I forgot how much fun you are when you're bitter."

Tom: "Oh look, he's stretched for extra bases, just like he stretched for extra territory screwing over unsung utility player Tom Scavo."

(Doogan trips and falls onto the ground.)

Tom: "Oh, down goes Doogan. Doogan goes down. That's gotta hurt. Oh, Lord Hound is tagged out and now he's gonna have to deal with some tough dirt stains, that Tim Doogan."

Lynette: "Tom..."

(Several of the players roll Doogan over and begin administering CPR.)

Tom: "Oh, no, look. I'm sure he's just grandstanding."

Lynette: "Oh, my God."

Tom: "Holy crap."

(He runs out onto the field.)

[Susan's House]

(Susan cleans up the dishes from dinner. Julie follows her into the kitchen.)

Julie: "It's only a pool party. Everyone's gonna be there."

Susan: "I said no."

Julie: "What are you gonna do? Keep a boy-free zone around me until I'm eighteen?"

Susan: "You can see boys in a couple years, just not that boy."

Julie: "Why do you hate Zach?"

Susan: "I don't hate Zach. I just think he's sort of crazy."

Julie: "Mom, I've heard people call you sort of crazy."

Susan: "Well, I'm adorable crazy, and he's rampage crazy."

(A knock at the door. Susan opens it.)

Detective Copeland: "Susan Mayer?"

Susan: "Yeah."

Detective Copeland: "I'm Detective Copeland. I'm investigating the murder of Martha Huber. I need to talk to you about Mike Delfino."

(Later, Susan and Julie sit on the couch while Detective Copeland puts on a pair of glasses and opens up a small notebook.)

Detective Copeland: "Do you remember seeing Mr. Delfino on the seventh of last month?"

Susan: "Is the seventh important?"

Detective Copeland: "Well, we believe it was the night that Martha Huber was murdered. She was last seen at the grocery store around nine and then she didn't show up for her dentist appointment the next morning."

Susan: "What day was that?"

Detective Copeland: "It was a Sunday."

Susan: "Oh. Oh, my God, yes. Yes, yes, I was with Mike that night."

Detective Copeland: "You're sure?"

Susan: "Yes, I was. It was a big night for us, relationship-wise. It was the first time that we..."

Detective Copeland: "The first time you...?"

Julie: "Did it. The first time they did it."

Susan: "Julie!"

Julie: "Well, it was."

Susan: "How did you know?"

Julie: "I'm not clueless. I found men's boxers in the clothes hamper."

Susan: "Oh, don't write that down. Oh, but this is good. You can let Mike go. He's innocent."

Detective Copeland: "Well, assuming everything you're telling me is true."

Julie: "It's true. The next morning she made pancakes in the shape of little hearts. Seriously. Little hearts."

(Susan gives her a light slap on the leg.)

[Gabrielle's Bedroom]

(Gabrielle walks into her bedroom from the bathroom, tying a bathrobe around her. She turns around and gasps.) (Justin stands in the doorway.)

Gabrielle: "Justin, what are you doing up here?"

Justin: "Uh, I finished the hedges. Is there anything else Mr. Solis wants done?"

Gabrielle: "I don't know. He's not here. He had a meeting with his lawyer."

Justin: "So, I guess that means we're all alone."

Gabrielle: "No, that means I'm all alone. You're leaving."

Justin: "I'm not in a hurry. C'mon, maybe we could hang out for a little while."

Gabrielle: "I don't think so."

Justin: "C'mon, if you just got to know me, you'd see I can be lots of fun. All my friends say so."

Gabrielle: "Well, I'm not interested in becoming one of your friends. Get out of my bedroom."

Justin: "C'mon, Mrs. Solis, be nice."

(He grabs her and leans in for a kiss. She slaps him.)

Justin: "You shouldn't have done that."

Gabrielle: "Do you know how easy it would be for me to call my husband and tell him what you just tried to do?"

Justin: "Not as easy as it'd be for me to tell him what happened between you and John. I'm sorry, Mrs. Solis, but you're gonna have to be nice to me, at least once."

(She stares at him in confusion as he walks off.)

[Outside Mike's House]

(A police car drops him off and Susan runs to greet him.)

Susan: "Mike! Mike, are you okay?"

Mike: "Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm a little bit embarrassed. Must be the talk of the neighborhood."

Susan: "No, not really, no. So guess what? I'm your alibi. I told the police that we were together the night that Mrs. Huber was killed and that I could never forget that night."

Mike: "So you don't think I killed Mrs. Huber?"

Susan: "No, no, of course not. I could never think you killed anybody, even I wasn't your alibi, which I am."

Mike: "Okay, I'm, um, I'm gonna go take a shower. Jail is kinda gross. I'll call you later, okay?"

Susan: "Sure. When?"

Mike: "Later, I've just got some stuff I've got to take care of, okay?"

Susan: "Okay."

[John and Justin's Apartment]

(John opens his door. Bree is standing there.)

John: "Mrs. Van De Kamp."

Bree: "Hello, John. I'm sorry to drop by on you, unannounced. Do you have a moment?"

John: "Sure. So, what can I do for you?"

Bree: "Well, I'll tell you. My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it."

[Lynette's Place]

(Tom arrives home.)

Tom: "Hey."

Lynette: "Hi. So, what's the word on Tim?"

Tom: "He came through the triple bypass with flying colors."

Lynette: "Thank god."

Tom: "Course, it's not all coming up roses. He's not going to be able to come back to work for four, four and a half months."

Lynette: "Oh."

(Tom sits down at the table with a beer, clearly very happy.)

Lynette: "What?"

Tom: "The company still needs to expand, so I figure they need a fit, heart-smart guy like me to step up, take the ball."

Lynette: "You're going after Tim Doogan's promotion?"

Tom: "No. I already got it. You should've seen me. I walked straight into Peterson's office and I told him he would be a fool to hold Doogan's promotion."

Lynette: "You called your boss a fool?"

Tom: "I did. That was risky in retrospect, but you know what? Still, he gave me the job. Look at me. It's me, I'm the man, I got the whole west coast."

Lynette: "Oh my -- what? What? The whole west coast? I thought you were going after an in-house position."

Tom: "No, no, no. I'm setting up new offices from Seattle to L.A. I, I told you that."

Lynette: "No. No, you didn't."

Tom: "Okay, so it's gonna be a little bit more travel."

Lynette: "More travel? Tom, you're barely here half the time as it is. Now you're going to have -- what, twice the work load?"

Tom: "Honey? Please, don't ruin this."

Lynette: "I'm sorry, but you should have consulted me."

Tom: "I did. You told me to stop being a shrinking violet and to step up."