Episode 01.17 - There Won't Be Trumpets

Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on "Desperate Housewives":

Susan: The police showed me your rap sheet! You killed the man!

Mike: You don't know if it happened or not.

Susan: It doesn't matter, because I will never believe anything you say, ever again.

Mary Alice Voiceover: Sometimes unexpected visitors...

Juanita: Do you think she is cheating on you?

Carlos: Think so.

Juanita: I'll take care of it.

Carlos: Thank you, Mama.

Mary Alice Voiceover:...lead to unexpected consequences.

Bree: Andrew, you almost killed another human being!

Andrew: She's lived her life! I have my whole life ahead of me, and now it might be screwed up!

[Sacred Heart Hospital - Nighttime]

Mary Alice Voiceover: "In the Coma Ward at Sacred Heart Hospital, the dreams begin just after midnight. The pitch black of night gives way to vivid images that comfort the dreamer until the morning."

(A janitor stops cleaning the floor and stretches.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Gus, the custodian, dreams of someday winning the lottery and quitting his thankless job."

(He removes a piece of paper from his shirt pocket, kisses it, picks up his thermos, and walks off.)

A security guard, sitting in a chair, pulls out a neck pillow to place on his neck.

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Howard, the security guard, envisions a luxuriousretirement in the tropics."

(He kicks off his shoes and closes his eyes.)

(A night nurse sits at a desk, looking bored. She spins something on the desk and watches it.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Ruth Ann, the night nurse, fantasizes about leaving her husband."

(As it spins, she checks her watch, picks up a pack of cigarettes and stands up to leave, leaving her wedding ring spinning on the desk.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "But the most vivid dreams of all belong to the patient in Room 312."

(Inside room 312, Juanita Solis lies still in her hospital bed.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Yes, Juanita Solis had been dreaming steadily for five months. Sometimes of the shocking secret she had uncovered."

(Flashback to her taking a picture of Gabrielle and John caught in bed.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Other times, she dreamt of the accident that had put her in the hospital."

(Flashback to her running out of the Solis house and getting hit by a car.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "But her most common dream was the one in which she finally told her son the truth."

(Carlos sits next to Juanita's bedsideholding her hands. Juanita leans over and begins whispering to Carlos.)

Juanita: "Carlos. Gabrielle..."

Mary Alice Voiceover: "And then one night...Juanita Solis decided it was time to wake up."

(Juanita's eyes open suddenly and she sits up in bed.)

(A few minutes later, Juanita leaves her hospital room, holding onto her pole with IV fluids. She looks up and down the empty hallway.)

Juanita: "Hello? Is anybody here?"

(Juanita goes down the hallway, looking back and forth.)

Juanita: "Hello!"

(Juanita reaches the empty nurse's station and bangs on the counter.)

Juanita: "I have to call my son!"

(Juanita continues to run down the hallway in her stocking feet. She runs past the hallway and doesn't see the sleeping guard. She continues running and see a phone on the wall at the end of a hallway. She pulls out the intravenous tube and runs down the hallway toward the phone.)

(As she heads towards it, she slips on the wet floor left by the janitor. She slides straight into a stairwell, where she falls down the stairs, right near the feet of the nurse taking her cigarette break. Ruth Ann, turns, shocked.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Even though she knew she was about to die, Juanita didn't care. The truth was finally going to come out."

(Ruth Ann puts out her cigarette and runs toward Juanita. Ruth Ann kneels down and holds Juanita's head.)

Juanita: "Tell my son his wife is cheating on him."

Ruth Ann: "Oh my God!"

(Juanita dies.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Sadly for Juanita, this was one dream that would never come true."

(Ruth Ann pulls earphones from her ears. Music is blasting from the earphones.)

Credits

[Susan's House]

(At Susan's kitchen table, there are illustrated drawings knights and dragons.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "We all honor heroes for different reasons. Sometimes for their bravery, sometimes for their daring, sometimes for their goodness, but mostly we honor heroes because at one point or another we all dream of being rescued."

(Susan goes to the coffeemaker by the sink and pours herself a cup. She looks through the kitchen window and sees Mike walking up to the door.)

(He knocks on the door.)

Mike: "Susan, I know you're in there. We have to talk."

(Susan opens door and faces Mike.)

Mike: "This is crazy."

Susan: "I know."

(Mike grabs Susan and they kiss.)

(Cut to Susan standing at the kitchen window again, daydreaming.)

(Susan again opens the door and faces Mike.)

Mike: "Everything the cop said to you is true. I did kill someone. But there's one thing they didn't tell you. I killed for you, Susan."

(Susan grabs Mike and kisses him.)

(Cut to Susan standing at the kitchen window again, daydreaming.)

(Susan opens the door and faces Mike. He pulls out a gun and aims at her.)

Mike: "Susan, if I can't have you, no one else can."

(Susan knocks the gun out of Mike's hand.)

Susan: "Shut up."

(Susan grabs Mike and kisses him. The coffee cup she is holding falls and breaks.)

(Cut to Susan standing at the kitchen window again, daydreaming. She looks down at the unbroken cup in her hand. She sees Mike walking toward the door, and then he knocks.)

(Susan drops to the floor and crawls to the door.)

Mike: "Susan, are you home? Susan, your car is here. I know you're in there. I was hoping we could talk for a minute."

(Susan whimpers and leans against the door. Mike slides a letter under the door. Susan pulls it in.)

Mike: "Susan, maybe you should have waited until I left to do that. All right, look, I know you don't want to see me right now, but I owe you an explanation and it's all in there, all of it. Everything you ever wanted to know about my past, about my reasons for doing what I did. It's all there."

(Susan stands up and looks out the door in time to watch Mike walk away.)

[School Parking Lot]

(A car sits in the parking lot. Its interior is filled with smoke. A school security guard knocks on window. A window rolls down and smoke pours out.)

Andrew: "Hey!"

Security Guard: "Guys come on. What are you doing?"

Andrew: "Ah, you know, just bonding. Discussing current events."

Security Guard: "Hey, seriously, listen, if you guys would have just parked across the street I could have let you go."

Andrew: "Why don't you pretend like we did?"

(Andrew's friends laugh.)

Security Guard: "Get out of the car."

(Instead, Andrew starts pulling away.)

Security Guard: "Hey, hey, hey! Stop the car!"

(He holds onto the window and as the car speeds up, he trips and rolls on the ground as the car leaves.)

[Bree's House]

Rex: "I can't believe it. Two months from graduation and he gets expelled."

Bree: "You know we are just lucky that that security guard did not press charges."

Rex: "So what are we gonna do?"

Bree: "Well, glad that you asked."

(Bree pulls out some pamphlets from a drawer and lays them out.)

Rex: "What are these?"

Bree: "They're brochures for youth detention centers."

Rex: "How long have you had these?"

Bree: "They've been in the drawer for a few months. I had a feeling we might be needing them."

Rex: "Bree, I don't know."

Bree: "We have to admit that we need help. If we can't get through to Andrew then we have to find someone who can."

Rex: "You really want to send our son away to some prison camp?"

Bree: "Oh come on, don't be so dramatic. Some of these places actually look fun. Look. Camp Hennessey." (reading) "Camp Hennessey teaches kids respect for authority and boundaries in a summer camp-like atmosphere."

(Bree holds up the brochure for Rex to see. Rex grabs the brochure.)

Rex: "The perimeter is surrounded by an electrified fence."

Bree: "Well, you have to admit that's an efficient way to teach respect for boundaries. Okay, how about this one. It's perfect for Andrew. It's a ranch in Montana. It has lots of fresh air and plenty of open spaces and daily classes in anger management."

Rex: "I'm, I'm not comfortable with this."

Bree: "All right, what about this one. It's in the desert and it's very reasonable. Barracks are a little bit bleak, but that recidivism rate is to die for!"

Rex: "Bree, I'm not doing it. I'm not sending my son away."

Bree: "It's easy for you, isn't it? You're not the one he's openly rude to. You're not the one he challenges every day. You're not the one he hates."

Rex: "I'll talk to him, all right? I'll sit him down for a little old-fashioned heart to heart."

Bree: "You talk to him all you want. I'm gonna check out the place with the electrified fence."

[Barcliff Academy]

(Five children, including Porter and Preston, dressed in colonial costume, stand on a small stage, reciting lines.)

Twin: "Listen, my children and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere."

(Lynette proudly smiles as she watches her sons recite. She turns to see, in the audience, a mother and young daughter signing to each other.)

Twin: "In the lantern is turned off in the belfry arch of the North church tower. One if by land, two if by sea, and I on the opposite shore will be."

(The parents applaud. Lynette smiles proudly as she applauds.)

(Lynette, pushing a stroller, approaches the little girl and woman who had been signing.)

Lynette: "Um, hi. I, I wanted to introduce myself to your Mom. I'm Lynette Scavo."

Alisa Stevens: "Have we met? I'm Alisa Stevens."

Lynette: "Oh, I'm sorry! I thought..."

Alisa: "I read lips."

Lynette: "Oh."

(Alisa starts signing and her daughter begins translating for her.)

Lily (translating): "But a lot of the time, signing is much easier. I don't like to misunderstand or be misunderstood."

(Lily turns toward Lynette and offers her hand.)

Lily: "And I'm Lily."

Lynette: "Oh hi. Nice to meet you, Lily."

(A young boy in a horse costume runs by.)

Matt: "Hi, mom."

Alisa: "That's my son, Matt."

Lynette: "My twins talk about Matt all the time. We should set up a play date."

Alisa: "That sounds great. Let's have dinner, too."

Lynette: "I'd love to."

(Lynette turns toward her boys as she hears them yelling. They are holding Matt's horse's tail, whipping it and yelling. Matt is trying to run away.)

Twins: "The British are coming! The British are coming. Giddy up! Giddy up! Giddy up."

Matt: "No, no, no."

(Lynette turns back toward Alisa.)

Lynette: "Even better, let's just keep it adults."

[Gabrielle's House].

(Gabrielle is sitting on the couch reading the paper. Carlos comes in the front door.)

Carlos: "Babe, they blinked! We got 'em by the short hairs!"

(Carlos grabs Gabrielle's hand and pulls her up.)

Gabrielle: "Who? Who blinked?"

(Carlos picks Gabrielle up and she shrieks.)

Carlos: "I just spoke to the lawyers. They offered a plea bargain."

Gabrielle: "And that's - good?"

Carlos: "It means they know they got a weak case. They don't think they can win. It's over."

Gabrielle: "Oh my god! Honey, that means we can keep the house!"

Carlos: "No. We still have to sell the house. I gotta pay the lawyers."

Gabrielle: "But I thought you said they offered a plea bargain."

Carlos: "Yeah, but we're not gonna take that."

Gabrielle: "Put me down."

(Carlos puts Gabrielle down.)

Carlos: "Honey, it would mean me going to jail for eight months."

Gabrielle: "I think that's pretty reasonable considering you're guilty as sin!"

Carlos: "You said that you were fine with selling the house."

Gabrielle: "That was before I knew we could trade a couple months in prison to keep it!"

(The phone rings. Gabrielle goes over to answer it.)

Gabrielle: "What? No, this is her daughter-in-law."

Carlos: "Is it the hospital? Is it Mama?"

(Gabrielle turns away from Carlos.)

Gabrielle: "Ah, thank you, yes."

(She hangs up.)

Carlos: "Gabby?"

Gabrielle: "I'm sorry, Carlos."

(She puts her arms around him and hugs him close. As she holds him, she smiles.)

[Gabrielle's House]

(Pamphlets for crypts, caskets, and flowers are spread all over the coffee table.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Some believe people are judged by the way they live life, and others by the way they leave it."

Carlos: "I like the Lexington mahogany with gold leaf. It comes with a pink velvet interior and drapes. Plus it's hand-engraved so in case of a flood or earthquake, they'll at least be able to know which one is hers."

Gabrielle: "Don't you think that's a little over the top?"

Carlos: "I want the best for Mama."

Gabrielle: "No, honey, these funeral homes make a fortune trying to convince people to overspend."

Carlos: "What are you saying?"

Gabrielle: "Well, I'm saying your mother was a sensible woman. She wouldn't be comfortable with all these bells and whistles. Maybe this one. Wood veneer!"

(Carlos closes his eyes and shakes his head.)

Gabrielle: "What?"

Carlos: "You never liked Mama."

Gabrielle: "Well, it's awfully hard to like someone who actively hates your guts. She always thought you married beneath you and she let me know it."

Carlos: "She loved you."

Gabrielle: "She treated me like trash!" (crosses herself) "God rest her soul."

Carlos: "I'm putting my mother in the grave. Now is not the time to pinch pennies."

Gabrielle: "Carlos, we're not exactly flush with cash right now. Let her be true to her roots. She was born humble and barefoot."

Carlos: "She was a queen."

(He walks away.)

[Susan's House - Outside]

(Susan holds the sealed letter marked "Susan" that Mike had put under her door. Sitting around her are Lynette, Edie, and Bree.)

Lynette: "So what did Mike say when he gave you the letter?"

Susan: "That it explains everything."

Bree: "Well, does it?"

Susan: "I haven't read it."

Edie: "Well, why the hell not?"

Susan: "I just can't."

Lynette: "You're a better woman than me. I would have ripped that open with my teeth. Aren't you dying to know what he wrote?"

Susan: "Yes. What if it just a bunch of far-fetched stories."

Bree: "Well, you should assume that it is."

Lynette: "Why?"

Bree: "Well, think about how good men are at lying on the spot. I mean, God forbid, you should give them time and a pen!"

(Lynette and Edie laugh.)

(A car drives up on the street behind them and honks. The sign on the door of the car reads "General Contractors." A handsome man calls out to Edie.)

Bill: "Hey Edie, you mind stopping by the site later? I have blueprints of the master bath."

Edie: "Oh. I'll see you in a few, Bill."

(Susan turns and looks at Bill. Bill nods and smiles at Susan as he drives away.)

Edie: "That's my new contractor. We're sort of dating."

Lynette: "Didn't you once say you never mix business with pleasure?"

Edie: "No, I said never mix pleasure with commitment."

Lynette (laughing): "Right."

Bree: "So, Susan, what are you gonna do with the letter?"

Edie: "And for Pete's sake, would you open it up already?"

(Susan begins to open the letter, then stops.)

Susan: "No, no, I won't. I don't trust Mike anymore. And without trust...no, no. I'm just gonna go in and rip it up and throw it in the trash."

(Susan begins walking toward her house. Lynette grabs the letter and acts like she's going to rip it up.)

Lynette: "Why wait, why don't we just rip it up now."

(Susan grabs the letter back.)

Susan: "No, no no. That's okay, I don't wanna, you know, litter."

(She runs inside her house. The other women watch her go.)

Lynette: "She is so opening that letter."

[Sacred Heart Hospital]

(Gabrielle walks down the hallway.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "While Carlos was making arrangements to bury his mother, Gabrielle was making sure she'd be taking her secret to the grave."

(Gabrielle reaches the nurse's station. As she looks at the nurse behind the counter, a man in a business suit walks up to a room behind Gabrielle, and enters it, but makes sure to keep the door cracked open so he can eavesdrop.)

Gabrielle: "Hi, I'm Gabrielle Solis. You're Nurse Heissel?"

Nurse Ruth Ann Heissel: "Yes, Hi. Um, when you called and said you were coming down I collected all the personal things that your husband brought in during Juanita's stay with us."

(Nurse Heissel puts a cardboard box on the counter.)

Nurse Heissel: "I assume that that's why you were stopping by."

Gabrielle: "Oh, that's so thoughtful of you, but actually no."

Nurse Heissel: "No?"

(The man behind the door continues to watch.)

Gabrielle: "No, you see my husband and I still don't have a clear account as to how Juanita passed."

Nurse Heissel: "How?"

Gabrielle: "Yes, did she die quietly in her sleep?"

(Nurse Heissel and the man in the doorway nod as if agreeing with what Gabrielle is saying.)

Nurse Heissel: "Oh yeah, that's usually how it happens. I mean, I'm pretty sure that that's how it happened."

Gabrielle: "Pretty sure?"

Nurse Heissel: "I mean, I don't know exactly cause I wasn't with her at that time."

Gabrielle: "Uh huh. Was anyone with her? An orderly, candy striper, anyone?"

(The man still watches them.)

Nurse Heissel: "No. She was alone."

(The man closes his eyes and bows his head.)

Gabrielle: "Thank you so much. That's all I needed to hear."

(Gabrielle walks away. As she passes by the room the man is in, he quickly closes the door. Nurse Heissel picks up the cardboard box.)

Nurse Heissel: "Mrs. Solis!"

Gabrielle: "Oh, you can just toss that!"

[Susan's House - Outside]

(Susan comes out with purse and keys. She looks at her car and sees that she has a flat tire.)

Susan: "Great, just great!"

(She stoops down to look at the tire and pulls out a long nail. She hears construction work going on at Edie's house and looks that way.)

(Susan walks over to the construction lot. She sees the man, Bill, who had been in the general contractors truck and walks up to him, nail in hand.)

Susan: "I think this is yours."

(She hands Bill the nail.)

Bill: "Yeah. Yeah, I've been looking for this one. Thanks."

Susan: "I don't suppose you have any idea where I found it?"

Bill: "Well, these little suckers are drawn to bare feet and car tires and since you're not limping or bleeding..."

(They smile at each other.)

(At Susan's car, Bill has a compressor filling Susan's tire.)

Bill: "This is only temporary. You're going to need to take this tire in to get it fixed."

Susan: "Thanks, I will."

Bill: "Seriously. It's not safe. You're probably only going to get 20, 30 miles out of it."

Susan: "All right, I promise."

Bill: "Hey listen, I'm about to break for lunch. How would you like to join me?"

Susan: "Lunch?"

Bill: "Yeah. Lunch."

Susan: "Are you asking me out on a date?"

Bill: "That sounds kind of formal for a burrito and a can of soda but, yeah, I guess I am."

Susan: "Aren't you dating Edie?"

Bill: "We went out on a date, we're not dating."

Susan: "Oh."

Bill: "So how about it? I'm buying."

Susan: "Yeah. I just got out of this relationship with this guy, Mike, and it's kind of complicated. Anyway, I'm just not even sure where I am right now emotionally, I'm just all jumbled up and I don't think I could leap right into something new, relationship wise, you know, at the moment."

Bill: "Again. Just a burrito."

Susan: "Sorry."

Bill: "Okay, I understand. Sounds like you need a little time to reflect and heal."

Susan: "I do. I really do."

Bill: "Okay. I'll check back with you again tomorrow."

[Lynette's House]

(Tom, Lynette, Alisa and her husband, Dennis, are having dinner. Alisa is signing and her husband it translating.)

Dennis (translating Alisa's signing): "This is so delicious. I don't know how you find the time with four kids."

Lynette: "Only for first time guests. Normally you'd be having, um, chicken fingers and cartoon shaped macaroni."

Tom: "If that."

Lynette: "Hey. Shut up."

Alisa: "Tom, you're in advertising, right?"

Tom: "Uh hm."

Alisa: "I worked five years at Simon and Scott."

Tom: "Well, I started at Simon and Scott. I hated those guys."

(Everyone laughs.)

Alisa: "But we have to talk."

Tom: "Yes. Who do you know? Do you know who's there now?"

(Tom scoots his chair closer to Alisa's and Dennis turns to Lynette.)

Dennis: "Well, it's all over now. They'll be talking shop for the rest of the night. Alisa loves talking about Alisa."

Lynette: "Well, Lynette loves talking about Lynette, too."

Dennis: "Oh I don't believe that for a second. You and your husband seem pretty solid."

(Tom and Alisa can be seen and heard talking in the background.)

Dennis: "We're going through some tough stuff. We're in counseling."

Tom (in the background): "They're nice people."

Lynette (uncomfortably): "Oh really? More steak?"

Dennis: "It was her idea. It's not the most pleasant way to spend an hour. Basically, I look at the clock and she blames me for everything."

Lynette: "I don't think we should be talking about Alisa with her, so..."

(She gestures over at Alisa.)

Dennis: "It's okay, it's not like she can hear. Maybe I'll have some more of that potato stuff."

(A shocked Lynette stares at Dennis.)

(Later, Tom and Lynette clear the dishes.)

Tom: "He actually said those things with her just sitting right there?"

Lynette: "It was really nasty and he wouldn't shut up either."

Tom (disgusted): "Ahhh."

Lynette: "I can't believe you said we'd play tennis with them."

Tom: "Honey, that was before I knew that he was a jerk. She was great. Look what she taught me."

Tom (signs) : "I Love You."

Tom: "Means I love you."

Lynette: "Yeah, that's great. What am I gonna do?"

Tom: "What do you mean?"

Lynette: "Well, obviously she needs to be told."

Tom: "Wha-no, no, no, she doesn't. This is between Dennis and Alisa."

Lynette: "How can I ignore this? And I quote, 'It's not like she can hear.'"

Tom: "Lynette, you're starting to ring up into that whole meddling thing that you do."

Lynette: "Excuse me!"

Tom: "Let me just handle it. Let's avoid a big thing."

Lynette: "Are you saying I can't be tactful?"

Tom: "No. If he says something when we play tennis, I will take him aside man to man and say that's not cool."

Lynette: "Are you saying I'm not tactful?"

(Tom looks as though he does not know what to say so instead he signs "I love you" to Lynette. She grabs his finger and pushes him back.)

Tom: "Ow, ow, ow, owww."

[Bree's House]

(Andrew lies on his bed watching TV. Bree walks in with a laundry basket.)

Bree: "Andrew, I need you to take out the trash."

Andrew: "Sure."

Bree: "Now, not five hours from now."

(With a long-suffering sigh, he sits up.)

Andrew: "I'm going, I'm going. God! Um, I'm meeting Justin at the mall tonight so I'm gonna need forty bucks."

Bree: "No!"

Andrew: "What?"

Bree: "You no longer get an allowance."

Andrew: "Fine. I'm not taking out the trash."

Bree (exasperated): "Andrew."

Andrew: "What are you gonna do, torture me? Go ahead, I can take it."

(Bree approaches Andrew who is sitting on the bed.)

Bree: "What I want, what I have always wanted is for you to be happy. And you're not. And I have no idea how to help you."

(Rex walking by the room, stops in the doorway.)

Andrew: "Well, you can start by getting out of the way."

Bree: "I will not. We're gonna talk about this now."

Andrew: "I said get out of the way!"

(He kicks at her, pushing her with his leg. Bree stumbles, almost falling. Rex runs into the room and grabs Andrew by the arms and pulls him up and slams him against the wall.)

Rex: "The next time you touch your mother like that, I'm gonna throw you through this wall! You understand me?"

(Andrew has a frightened look on his face. Rex leaves the room glancing at Bree to make sure she is okay. Bree grabs the laundry basket and walks to the door. She turns to look at Andrew who looks like he's about to start crying. Bree turns away and walks out.)

[Susan's House]

(Susan sits on the bench in her front yard, drawing. Edie jogs by.)

Susan: "Oh, Edie. Wait up, I, I want to ask you something."

(Edie continues to run, so Susan follows her.)

Edie: "Can't stop, gotta keep my heart rate up."

Susan: "I was just wondering how you'd feel if I went out with Bill."

(Edie stops running.)

Edie: "What?"

Susan: "Um. Bill asked me out."

Edie: "Bill? My Bill?"

Susan: "Well, see that's the thing, he doesn't think of himself as "your Bill" cause he said that date was just a one time thing. Which I know because when he asked me out, I told him I thought you guys were involved."

Edie: "So, you haven't agreed to go out with him?"

Susan: "No. No, I wanted to check with you first."

Edie: "Wow. That was nice of you."

Susan: "So, can I?"

Edie: "No."

(Edie takes off jogging again. Susan runs after her.)

Susan: "Edie! Edie, why can't I go out with him?"

(Edie stops jogging again.)

Edie: "Because I saw him first."