Episode 01.12 - Every Day A Little Death

Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on "desperate housewives"

Mike: We're making a mistake. These are nice people.

Mr. Shaw: My money says one of them isn't.

Susan: How creepy is Mrs. Huber's sister!

Mary Alice Voiceover: Promises were made.

Felicia: I'm going to find out exactly what happened to her.

Mary Alice Voiceover: Marriages came undone.

Carlos: Gabrielle and I are about to start a family.

Gabrielle: Well, we're not negotiating my uterus.

Bree: George, would you go out to dinner with me?

George: You mean like a date?

Rex: A date?

Mary Alice Voiceover: And the truth...

Mrs. Huber: You burned your rival's house down.

Mary Alice Voiceover:...was denied.

Susan: I absolutely did not do that thing you accused me of.

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Martha Huber waited her whole life for something to happen to her, something exciting. As a child, she hoped to be kidnapped by a band of pirates. As a teenager, she dreamt of being discovered by a Hollywood talent scout . As a young woman, she fantasized that a handsome millionaire would sweep her off her feet . But the years had flown by, and still, nothing exciting had ever happened to Martha Huber. Until the night she was murdered . "

(Flashback to the night when Mrs. Huber was murdered by Paul.)

Paul: "Hello, Mrs. Huber."

Martha: "Paul!"

Paul: "Let me give you a hand."

Martha: "That's really not necessary."

Paul: "I insist."

Mary Alice Voiceover: "In those last moments, it occurred to her, in addition to being boring, life could also be very cruel."

[Woods, daytime]

(A man holds a missing person's flier showing Mrs. Huber. As the camera backs away, we see it's a policeman holding the flier. He walks over to where crime scene tape has been placed around where Mrs. Huber's body was found. Dozens of officials are around the scene, doing their job in removing the body.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Luckily for Mrs. Huber, death was far more merciful. "

Officer Jackson: "What do you think?"

Police chief: "That's our missing woman, all right."

(Channel 15 KQRY Eyewitness News van pulls up.)

Police Chief: "Aw, geez , it didn't take the media long to get wind of this. Make sure no one contaminates my crime scene ."

(He leaves. The policeman looks at the flier in his hand then down at Mrs. Huber lying in the dirt.)

Officer Jackson: "Hey, little lady. A lot of people are looking for you, you know that? Your face is gonna be on the front page of every paper in this state. How's that for exciting?"

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Officer Jackson couldn't be sure, but for a brief moment, he thought he saw the corpse of Martha Huber, smile."

Credits

(A police car pulls up in front of Mrs. Huber's house.)

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Death had come once again to Wisteria Lane."

(A policeman gets out of the car and walks over to Felicia Tilman, who's watering the lawn.)

Police Chief: "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. We found your sister's body."

(Felicia drops the hose and takes a step back.)

[Outside Susan's House]

Mary Alice Voiceover: "Word of the tragedy would soon spread throughout the neighborhood. But for now, people went about their lives as they always did, blissfully unaware."

(Susan comes out of her house and walks across the street to Mike's house, where she opens the door and walks in.)

Susan: "Hello, anybody home?"

Mike's voice: "In the kitchen."

Susan: "Good news. I finished my book, so I thought to celebrate, you could take me out to lunch."

(She stops in front of Mike, then sees Edie behind him, standing in the kitchen. Edie brushes past her.)

Edie: "Hey, Susan."

Mike: "Uh, could we do a rain check? Edie and I are just looking over the plans to rebuild her house."

Edie: "My insurance company is finally cutting my check next week, and there's only one plumber I want. So don't expect to see this guy for a few months. I'm gonna be riding him hard. "

Susan: "Well, if anyone can go the distance, he can. I should know."

(She giggles and then kisses Mike. She then looks over at Edie and grabs at Mike to share a long passionate kiss with him.)

Edie: "Uh, Mike?"

(Mike glances at her, still lip-locked with Susan, as they turn slightly.)

Edie: "Mike? We're on the clock."

(Edie's cell phone rings. She picks it up.)

Edie: "Hey, Felicia, what's up?"

(Her face saddens.)

Mike: "Edie?"

Edie: "They found Martha."

[Gym]

(Lynette, holding on to Penny, puts a Kleenex over Parker's nose. )

Lynette: "Here, blow. Good, all right. Come on, it's going to be fun. Follow me."

(They walk up to the front desk, where there is a sign-in roster. All of the spaces are filled, but Lynette adds her name at the bottom anyway.)

(The woman behind the desk, Lauren, stops her.)

Lauren: "Excuse me. You can't do that."

Lynette: "I'm here for the 10 a.m. yoga meditation class."

Lauren: "Unfortunately, the day care center is full."

Lynette: "Yeah, I noticed that, but every time I come here, it's full."

Lauren: "It's a popular class, and the other moms come early. Look, all I can tell you is plan ahead next time."

Lynette: "Uh, Lauren? I'm a mother of four. Today I had to get up at five, make lunches, make breakfast, drop the twins off at school, and get across town lugging a baby and a sick child. Telling me to plan ahead is like telling me to sprout wings . And it's things like being told to plan ahead that make me so crazy, that yoga is the only thing that relaxes me, except I show up here, and I can't get in, and you tell me to plan ahead. It's a vicious cycle. See how that works?"

Lauren: "I get it, but if I broke the rules for you, I'd have to break them for the other moms too, and then the moms who actually follow the rules would get all pissed at me, and I'd have to get pissy right back, and before you know it, I don't have time to read my magazine. See how that works?"

Lynette: "I hope someday, you have lots of children."

(Her cell phone rings and she picks it up.)

Lynette: "Hello? Oh, hey, Susan. Listen, I can't talk, I'm in the middle of something here. What?"

[Outside Bree's House]

(A car pulls up to Bree's house. George gets out of the car and opens the door for Bree, who gets out.)

George: "I had a wonderful time today."

Bree: "Thank you. I did too."

(George walks back around the car to the trunk and Bree glances up at the 2nd-story window. She slams her car door, still looking up at the window.)

Bree: "Sorry I can't invite you in for coffee."

George: "Oh, I get it. Rex still lives in the house. It would be awkward."

Bree: "Yeah, and I would rather cut off my hand than hurt his feelings."

(She slams down the trunk and looks up at the window again.)

Bree: "It'll, um, it'll be a lot easier once he gets well enough to move out."

George: "Do you want to have lunch tomorrow?"

(Bree notices the curtain move, and knows Rex is watching. She gasps, and then leans forward and gives George a hug.)

Bree: "I'd love to."

George: "Okay. Wow!"

Bree: "Pick me up at one and we'll do something fun."

George: "See you then."

Bree: "Oh, packages! Thank you."

(George, who had forgot he was holding them, hands them to her.)

(Bree's cell phone rings.)

Bree: "Hello! Oh, hi, Lynette! What?"

[Outside Gabrielle's House]

(Two men with "U.S. Marshall" written on the backs of their jackets help a shackled Carlos out of the car.)

(Gabrielle comes out the front door carrying a bottle of champagne and two glasses.)

Gabrielle: "Hi, honey! Welcome home!"

(Still handcuffed, Carlos gives Gabrielle a small wave as one of the men unlocks the handcuffs.)

(Inside the house, Carlos walks the men to the door.)

Carlos: "Thanks, guys. Take it easy."

(The U.S. Marshalls walk out and he shuts the door behind them.)

Gabrielle: "Come on, honey, let's celebrate! Sorry it's the cheap stuff. I had to economize. Now that you're back, we can restock the wine cellar. Let's toast."

(They kiss.)

Carlos: "Very good to be back"

Gabrielle: "What's that?"

(She sees a blinking device sitting in the living room.)

(Carlos lifts up his foot and shows her another device attached to his ankle.)

Carlos: "It transmits to this. My electronic monitoring device. didn't the lawyer tell you?"

Gabrielle: "Tell me what?"

Carlos: "I'm on house arrest . It's a condition of my bail."

Gabrielle: "Uh, no! No, he neglected to tell me that."

Carlos: "Yeah, if I move more than a hundred feet from that telephone, an alarm sounds. If I keep going, it transmits a signal to the FBI, and I'm back in jail."

Gabrielle: "But, how are you gonna work?"

Carlos: "I can't. I can't do anything."

Gabrielle: "Uh, no! No, no! That's unreasonable. What do they expect us to do for money?"

Carlos: "The lawyer's working on unfreezing the accounts. In the meantime, I mean, haven't you been working modeling jobs?"

Gabrielle: "Carlos, this is not like New York where I made thousands of dollars a day modeling haute couture. I'm doing boat shows. I spend eight hours a day doing this!"

(She poses, but with a sarcastic grimace on her face.)

Carlos: "I'd buy two boats from you." (laughs) "Come on."

(He hands her one of the glasses.)

Carlos: "Where's my toast?"

(They clink glasses.)

Gabrielle (in a weary voice): "Welcome home."

(She swallows the champagne and grimaces.)

(The phone rings.)

Gabrielle: "Hello. Hi, Bree. What?"

[Martha Huber's House]

(The police chief who came to tell Felicia of Mrs. Huber's death is sitting in the living room with Felicia. They get up and start walking to the door.)

Police Chief: "If you find anything in your sister's belongings that might shed some light on her death , um, letters or a date book , please, call me immediately."

Felicia: "I believe she did keep a diary of something. I'll look around for it."

(They see a group of people standing outside on the sidewalk.)

Felicia: "Look at them all. Vultures . Pretending to care when all they really want are the sordid details."

Police Chief: "I don't know, I think they just want to show their support."

Felicia: "Please. Human beings feed on misery . Well, we might as well give the people what they want."

(She continues to smile, wickedly, and then steps forward.)

Felicia: "Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief. My sister, Martha, would have been so touched. I know that many of you have questions. I've just spoken with the police who are still putting together the details of what happened. What they do know is, Martha died a violent death."

(The crowd is shocked.)

Felicia: "Yes, I know. It's hard to hear. Apparently, there was a struggle . They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs , which leads us to believe that she was still alive at the time of her burial , and probably in great pain. But the good news is, there are no signs that she had been molested . Now, I think it's time that you return to your homes, to your loved ones. Oh, in lieu of a memorial service, I'll be holding an estate sale the day after tomorrow. Please, no personal checks."

(She smiles and walks inside the house.)

(Susan, Gabrielle, Lynette, and Bree all have looks of disbelief on their faces.)

[Outside, Early Morning]

Mary Alice Voiceover: "By the next morning, everyone on Wisteria Lane was aware of Martha Huber's demise, with no exceptions."

(One of Lynette's children is drawing a picture of stick figures that shows a smiling woman with purple lips lying down, and two police officers in blue uniforms and huge yellow badges.)

Lynette: "Okay, boys."

Twin: "Hey, mom."

Lynette: "You see this gum? If you promise to be quiet while I am downstairs playing cards , it's all yours. Deal ?"

All three children: "Yeah!"

Lynette: "Yeah, okay. That's what I like to hear."

(She hands them the gum and they grab for it.)

(Downstairs, Bree, Gabrielle, and Susan are sitting around the table with the cards.)

Bree: "I mean, what are the odds? First Mary Alice and then Mrs. Huber? I mean, it's shocking."

Gabrielle: "Yeah, but this is different. Someone was actually murdered on our street."

Lynette: "I remember talking to her right before she disappeared."

Susan: "You did? What'd you talk about?"

Lynette: "Oh, actually, she yelled at me for not bringing my garbage cans in."

Bree: "I'm gonna miss her."

(The doorbell rings. Lynette answers it.)

Lynette: "Edie!"

Edie: "Hi."

Lynette: "Hi. Come on in."

Edie: "Oh, you're all here."

Lynette: "Yeah. Tuesday's poker day."

Edie: "Really."

Lynette: "Yeah."

Edie: "Oh, you know, I love poker."

(Everyone suddenly looks down at their cards.)

Edie (slight laugh): "Okay, then. Well, here's the deal. Since the Ice Queen isn't doing anything to memorialize her sister, I have decided to carry Martha's ashes up to Torch Lake and scatter them myself. It's where her husband proposed."

Lynette: "That's so sweet."

Edie: "I know. So, I thought that some of the neighbors could caravan up there, and we'd have a little ceremony. I've printed out maps if anyone needs one, and the dress is semi-formal ."

Gabrielle: "You know, Edie, I'd love to go, but, um, I just got back into modeling, you know, just for fun, and I have a gig tomorrow. I can't leave 'em hanging ."

Lynette: "I wish I would have known earlier. I would have arranged a sitter."

Bree: "Damn, I have to take Rex to his angiogram."

Edie: "Hmmm." (looking at Susan) "Well, Mayer, what's your excuse?"

Susan: "I'm just, you know, busy. Stuff."

Edie: "Well, your friends are much better liars."

(She takes the map she had handed them earlier and stalks out, slamming the door behind her.)

(Later, Lynette walks into a bedroom upstairs where the boys are.)

Lynette: "Okay, Mommy's friends are gone now and you can - "

(Porter and Preston are standing behind Parker, who is smiling. His hair is standing up all over, obviously with gum in it.)

(Lynette exhales.)

[Later...]

(Lynette has Parker in the bathroom, sitting on the closed toilet seat as she tries to comb through the gum.)

Parker: "Ow! Ow!"

Lynette: "Well, yeah, I know it hurts, but that's what you get when you let your brothers put bubble gum in your hair. Pain and misery."

Parker: "Are you mad at me?"

Lynette: "Yes! Yes! I am mad at you."

Parker: "Ow!"

Lynette: "And I'm also cranky. You know how you get when you haven't taken a nap? Well, mommies are the same way. We need our down time, and if we don't get it - "

Parker: "Ow!"

Lynette: "- sorry, we end saying and doing things which we don't normally do."

Parker: "Ow!"

Lynette: "And it's frustrating for me too, 'cause I do want to be the best mommy I can be."

Parker: "I think you're the best mommy in the world."

Lynette: "Oh. That's sweet of you, but it's not exactly true."

(She goes to the cabinet and removes an electric razor. She turns it on and Parker hangs his head.)

[Park]

(Bree and George sit in the park on the ground, a picnic spread out around them. )

Bree: "I was so afraid when I suggested a picnic, that you'd make fun of me, but I just think it's such a lovely, old-fashioned way to spend an afternoon."

George: "Well, as it happens, I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy."

Bree: "Oh, and we got so lucky with the weather, it's just absolutely - "

(George reaches forward and put his hand on her hand on her leg. She smiles at him. He smiles at her. She pulls her hand back.)

Bree: "You know, your lunch hour is almost up. We should probably be getting you back to the pharmacy ."

George: "Wait. I've had such a good time, these last few days, I just want to show my appreciation."

Bree: "Another gift? I hope it's not another orchid, they're so expensive."

George: "Relax, this didn't cost me a dime ."

(He puts a box in front of her.)

(Bree opens the box, exhales, puts her hand to her mouth.)

Bree: "George, you shouldn't have."

(Bree reaches down and pulls a pistol out of the box.)

Bree: "This is a 9-mm Luger PO8!"

George: "The moment you said you were in the NRA, I knew I wanted to give it to you."

Bree: "I can't accept this, George! This is an antique . It's too valuable."

George: "It's okay. My grandfather gave it to me. It was surrendered to him by a soldier during World War II. Since I don't know how to shoot..."

Bree: "It's so lovely. I mean, look at the handle. Is that mother of pearl ?"

George: "I think so. Only the officer's models had that. Do you really like it?"

Bree: "Oh, absolutely. George, this is just so much better than an orchid."

(Bree raises the gun and looks down the line of sight. George puts his hand on her thigh. This time she reaches down and clasps his hand, squeezing it.)

(Susan walks over to Mrs. Huber's house, where Felicia is carrying boxes to the curb.)

Susan: "Hi. Mrs. Mayer. I saw you from across the street. I thought you might need a hand."

Felicia: "No, thanks."

Susan: "I, I'm sorry for what happened. It must be really hard, not knowing who did it, or why. You must feel helpless."

Felicia: "A bit. I'm hoping her journals will provide some insight."

Susan: "Journals?"

Felicia: "Yes, Martha kept them for years."

Susan: "Oh. So, she must have written a lot of things in them?"

Felicia: "Every mundane detail of her life. And everyone else's, for that matter. The police want to see them, but I'm stalling them 'til I have a chance to read through them first myself. wouldn't want any embarrassing family secrets getting out."

Susan: "That's smart, that, that's good."

(Felicia turns away.)

Susan: "That's good to hear."

(She turns and leaves.)

[Susan's House]

(Susan paces in the kitchen.)

Susan: "I am so screwed."

Julie: "Mom, calm down."

Susan: "Everything about the fire and the measuring cup is gonna be in that journal. Everyone is gonna think I'm an arsonist ."

Julie: "It may not be as bad as it looks."

Susan: "What, you think there's a chance Mrs. Huber didn't write about it in the journal?"

Julie: "Please. It's great dirt. I even put it in my journal. you're gonna have to get to Mrs. Britt and come clean. Convince her it was an accident. If she doesn't press charges, the police will probably just let it go."

Susan: "Are you high? Edie hates me."

Julie: "That's why you're gonna grovel at her feet and beg forgiveness."

(Susan stares at Julie.)

Julie: "That's right. you're gonna have to suck up to Edie Britt."

[Mike's House, the following day]

(Mike pulls his car into the driveway.)

(When he walks up his porch, he finds the front door ajar. He walks in, looks around quickly and carefully, then strides to the kitchen, finds the cabinets open, and sees that the money, maps and notes are gone.)

(The red light on the answering machine is blinking.)

(The voice of Mr. Shaw, the mysterious ominous old man from the park, begins speaking from the machine.)

Mr. Shaw: "Hey Mike, as you probably see by now, I took back my money and what little information you managed to dig up on your neighbors. Your replacement's going to need it. Pack up and move on with your life. Sorry about the mess."

(Furious, Mike's hand sweeps across the table where the machine is sitting. Papers fly everywhere.)

[Gym]

(Lynette walks into the Yoga center with Penny and Parker. Parker wears a baseball cap.)

Lynette: "We're here! Woo! Ten minutes early! Sign me up?"

Lauren: "You just missed the rush, sorry."

Lynette: "No! No! I, I planned ahead."

(Parker takes off his hat and scratches his shaved head.)

Lynette: "We're, we're ten minutes early."

(Parker coughs.)

Lauren: "Oh my god!"

Lynette: "What?"

Lauren: "When you said you had a sick child, I had no idea. How long has it been?"

(Lynette looks at Parker. He looks down at the floor and coughs again.)

Lynette: "Uh, it kind of snuck up on us."

Lauren: "He's so young too. God, it just breaks my heart."

Lynette: "Oh."

(She laughs.)

Lynette: "No, you see, here's the thing - "

Lauren: "You go ahead into class. I'll find room for your kids."

Lynette: "Okay."

[Construction site]

(Susan walks up to the site where Edie's house will be built. Construction workers are there, working.)

Susan: "Hey, Edie!"

Edie: "Susan."

Susan: "Boy, I gotta say, I envy you."

Edie: "In the name of God, why?"

Susan: "Well, you get to build your dream house, for free. I mean, in a weird way, your house burning down was really a good thing."

Edie: "There's nothing good about it. I can't replace the memories, the photographs, the - is there something you want?"

Susan: "Okay, here's the deal, Edie. I, I - "

Edie: "I, I, what? Spit it out already, I'm busy."

Susan: "I just wanted to see how you were holding up. You know, with Mrs. Huber and everything."

Edie: "My best friend was murdered and stuffed into a garbage bag. And nobody cares enough to go with me to spread her ashes."

Susan: "I'll go with you, Edie."

(Edie turns and looks at her.)

[Gabrielle's House, nighttime]

(A tired Gabrielle, in a gold dress, walks into the house carrying a red and white stripedbucket of fried chicken.)

Gabrielle (wearily): "Hey."

Carlos: "Oh, thank God, I'm starving!"

Gabrielle: "Well, dig in. I am way too tired to eat."

(Carlos catches her wrist as she walks by.)

Carlos: "I'm sorry."

(She sits on the couch and he massages her shoulders.)

Carlos: "So, did you get to go by the hospital? Visit Mama?"

Gabrielle: "I worked ten hours today. I'll go by tomorrow. She doesn't even know when I'm there."

Carlos: "She's gonna wake up soon, I know it."

(He kisses her neck.)

Carlos: "And you know what would make her really happy."

Gabrielle (gets up): "If you say, a grandchild, so help me, God!"

Carlos: "Gabrielle, please!"