greatly fearing that I should not be pardoned; praying also in my
heart, that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the

Holy Ghost, the Lord would show it me. And being now ready to sink
with fear, suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at the

window, the noise of wind upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I
heard a voice speaking, DID'ST THOU EVER REFUSE TO BE JUSTIFIED BY

THE BLOOD OF CHRIST? and withal, my whole life of profession past,
was in a moment opened to me, wherein I was made to see, that

designedly I had not: so my heart answered groaningly, NO. Then
fell, with power, that word of God upon me, SEE THAT YE REFUSE NOT

HIM THAT SPEAKETH. Hebrew xii. 25. This made a strange seizure
upon my spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silence

in my heart, of all those tumultuous thoughts, that did before use,
like masterless hell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make an

hideous noise within me. It showed me also that Jesus Christ had
yet a word of grace and mercy for me, that He had not, as I had

feared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul; yea, this was a kind
of chide for my proneness to desperation; a kind of threatening of

me, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and the heinousness of
them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God. But as to my

determining about this strange dispensation, what it was, I know
not; or from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet in twenty

years' time been able to make a judgment of it; I THOUGHT THEN WHAT
HERE I SHOULD BE LOTH TO SPEAK. But verily that sudden rushing

wind was, as if an angel had come upon me; but both it, and the
salutation, I will leave until the day of judgment: only this I

say, it commanded a great calm in my soul; it persuaded me there
might be hope: it showed me, as I thought, what the sin

unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessedprivilege to
flee to Jesus Christ for mercy. But I say, concerning this

dispensation; I know not yet what to say unto it; which was also,
in truth, the cause, that at first I did not speak of it in the

book; I do now also leave it to be thought on by men of sound
judgment. I lay not the stress of my salvationthereupon, but upon

the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet seeing I am here unfolding of
my secret things, I thought it might not be altogether inexpedient

to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate the matter
as there I did experience it. This lasted in the savour of it for

about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust, and to
despair again.

175. Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing
which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to

cast itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. But
oh! 'twas hard for me now, to have the face to pray to this Christ

for mercy, against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned: 'twas hard
work, I say, to offer to look Him in the face, against Whom I had

so vilely sinned; and indeed, I have found it as difficult to come
to God by prayer, after backsliding from Him, as to do any other

thing. Oh! the shame that did now attend me! especially when I
thought, I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had so

lightly esteemed but a while before! I was ashamed; yea, even
confounded, because this villany had been committed by me: but I

saw that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, and
humble myself unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy,

would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.
176. Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to

me, THAT I OUGHT NOT TO PRAY TO GOD, FOR PRAYER WAS NOT FOR ANY IN
MY CASE; NEITHER COULD IT DO ME GOOD, BECAUSE I HAD REJECTED THE

MEDIATOR, BY WHOM ALL PRAYERS CAME WITH ACCEPTANCE TO GOD THE
FATHER; AND WITHOUT WHOM, NO PRAYER COULD COME INTO HIS PRESENCE:

WHEREFORE NOW TO PRAY, IS BUT TO ADD SIN TO SIN; YEA, NOW TO PRAY,
SEEING GOD HAS CAST YOU OFF, IS THE NEXT WAY TO ANGER AND OFFEND

HIM MORE THAN YOU EVER DID BEFORE.
177. FOR GOD (saith he) HATH BEEN WEARY OF YOU FOR THESE SEVERAL

YEARS ALREADY, BECAUSE YOU ARE NONE OF HIS; YOUR BAWLINGS IN HIS
EARS, HATH BEEN NO PLEASANT VOICE TO HIM; AND THEREFORE HE LET YOU

SIN THIS SIN, THAT YOU MIGHT BE QUITE CUT OFF; AND WILL YOU PRAY
STILL? This the devil urged, and set forth that in NUMBERS, when

MOSES said to the children OF ISRAEL, THAT BECAUSE THEY WOULD NOT
GO UP TO POSSESS THE LAND, WHEN GOD WOULD HAVE THEM, THEREFORE FOR

EVER AFTER HE DID BAR THEM OUT FROM THENCE, THOUGH THEY PRAYED THEY
MIGHT WITH TEARS. Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.

178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, THE MAN THAT
SINS PRESUMPTUOUSLY SHALL BE TAKEN FROM GOD'S ALTAR, THAT HE MAY

DIE; even as JOAB was by King SOLOMON, when he thought to find
shelter there. 1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. These places did pinch me

very sore; yet my case being desperate, I thought with myself, I
can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once be said, THAT SUCH

AN ONE DIED AT THE FOOT OF CHRIST IN PRAYER. This I did, but with
great difficulty, God doth know; and that because, together with

this, still that saying about ESAU would be set at my heart, even
like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I

should take thereof and live. Oh! who knows how hard a thing I
found it, to come to God in prayer!

179. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me,
but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I

trembled in my soul to think, that some or other of them would
shortly tell me, that God hath said those words to them, that He

once did say to the prophetconcerning the children of Israel, PRAY
NOT FOR THIS PEOPLE, FOR I HAVE REJECTED THEM. Jeremiah xi. 14.

So, PRAY NOT FOR HIM, FOR I HAVE REJECTED HIM, yea, I thought that
He had whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not

tell me so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should
be so, it would make me quite beside myself: MAN KNOWS THE

BEGINNING OF SIN (said Spira), BUT WHO BOUNDS THE ISSUES THEREOF?
180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an

ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, that
I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and

he told me, HE THOUGHT SO TOO. Here therefore I had but cold
comfort; but talking a little more with him, I found him, though a

good man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore I
went to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still.

181. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery,
saying, THAT SEEING I HAD THUS PARTED WITH THE LORD JESUS, AND

PROVOKED HIM TO DISPLEASURE, WHO WOULD HAVE STOOD BETWEEN MY SOUL
AND THE FLAME OF DEVOURING FIRE, THERE WAS NOW BUT ONE WAY; AND

THAT WAS, to pray that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt
His Son and me; THAT WE MIGHT BE RECONCILED AGAIN, AND THAT I MIGHT

HAVE THAT BLESSED BENEFIT IN HIM, THAT HIS BLESSED SAINTS ENJOYED.
182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, HE IS OF ONE

MIND, AND WHO CAN TURN HIM! Oh! I saw, it was as easy to persuade
Him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, besides

that we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This was to
persuade Him, that what He had done already was mere folly, and

persuade Him to alter, yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation.
And then would that saying rend my soul asunder; NEITHER IS THERE

SALVATION IN ANY OTHER; FOR THERE IS NONE OTHER NAME UNDER HEAVEN
GIVEN AMONG MEN WHEREBY WE MUST BE SAVED. Acts iv. 12.

183. Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel,
were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as

the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because
I had cast Him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my

loss by it, to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this:
every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love,

goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises,
and blessed exhortations, comforts, and consolations, it went to my

soul like a sword; for still unto these my considerations of the
Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for themselves in my

heart: AYE, THIS IS THE JESUS, THE LOVING SAVIOUR, THE SON OF GOD,
WHOM YOU HAVE PARTED WITH, WHOM YOU HAVE SLIGHTED, DESPISED, AND