OURSELVES, THAT WE SHOULD NOT TRUST IN OURSELVES, BUT IN GOD, WHICH
RAISETH THE DEAD. By this scripture I was made to see, That if

ever I would suffer rightly, I must first pass a sentence of death
upon every thing that can properly be called a thing of this life,

even to reckon myself, my wife, my children, my health, my
enjoyments, and all as dead to me, and myself as dead to them.

326. The second was to live upon God that is invisible, as Paul
said in another place; the way not to faint is, TO LOOK NOT ON THE

THINGS THAT ARE SEEN, BUT AT THE THINGS THAT ARE NOT SEEN; FOR THE
THINGS THAT ARE SEEN ARE TEMPORAL, BUT THE THINGS THAT ARE NOT SEEN

ARE ETERNAL. And thus I reasoned with myself, if I provide only
for a prison, then the whip comes at unawares; and so doth also the

pillory: Again, if I only provide for these, then I am not fit for
banishment. Further, if I conclude that banishment is the worst,

then if death comes, I am surprised: so that I see, the best way
to go through sufferings, is to trust in God through Christ, as

touching the world to come; and as touching this world, TO COUNT
THE GRAVE MY HOUSE, TO MAKE MY BED IN DARKNESS; TO SAY TO

CORRUPTION, THOU ART MY FATHER, AND TO THE WORM, THOU ART MY MOTHER
AND SISTER: that is, to familiarize these things to me.

327. But notwithstanding these helps, I found myself a man and
compassed with infirmities; the parting with my wife and poor

children, hath often been to me in this place, as the pulling the
flesh from the bones, and that not only because I am somewhat too

fond of these great mercies, but also because I should have often
brought to my mind the many hardships, miseries, and wants that my

poor family was like to meet with, should I be taken from them,
especially my poor blind child, who lay nearer my heart than all

besides: Oh! the thoughts of the hardship I thought my poor blind
one might go under, would break my heart to pieces.

328. Poor child! thought I, what sorrow art thou like to have for
thy portion in this world! Thou must be beaten, must beg, suffer

hunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I cannot
now endure the wind should blow upon thee. But yet recalling

myself, thought I, I must venture you all with God, though it goeth
to the quick to leave you: Oh! I saw in this condition I was as a

man who was pulling down his house upon the head of his wife and
children; yet, thought I, I must do it, I must do it: and now I

thought on those TWO MILCH KINE THAT WERE TO CARRY THE ARK OF GOD
INTO ANOTHER COUNTRY, AND TO LEAVE THEIR CALVES BEHIND THEM. 1

Sam. vi. 10-12.
329. But that which helped me in this temptation, was divers

considerations, of which, three in special here I will name, the
first was the consideration of these two scriptures, LEAVE THY

FATHERLESS CHILDREN, I WILL PRESERVE THEM ALIVE, AND LET THY WIDOWS
TRUST IN ME: and again, THE LORD SAID, VERILY IT SHALL BE WELL

WITH THY REMNANT, VERILY, I WILL CAUSE THE ENEMY TO ENTREAT THEE
WELL IN THE TIME OF EVIL, AND IN TIME OF AFFLICTION. Jer. xlix.

11; xv. 11.
330. I had also this consideration, that if I should not venture

all for God, I engaged God to take care of my concernments: but if
I forsook Him and His ways, for fear of any trouble that should

come to me or mine, then I should not only falsify my profession,
but should count also that my concernments were not so sure, if

left at God's feet, whilst I stood to and for His name, as they
would be if they were under my own care, though with the denial of

the way of God. This was a smarting consideration, and as spurs
unto my flesh. That scripture also greatly helped it to fasten the

more upon me, where Christ prays against Judas, that God would
disappoint him in his selfish thoughts, which moved him to sell his

Master. Pray read it soberly: Psalm cix. 6-8, etc.
331. I had also another consideration, and that was, the dread of

the torments of hell, which I was sure they must partake of that
for fear of the cross, do shrink from their profession of Christ,

His words and laws before the sons of men: I thought also of the
glory that He had prepared for those that in faith, and love, and

patience, stood to His ways before them. These things, I say, have
helped me, when the thoughts of the misery that both myself and

mine, might for the sake of my profession be exposed to, hath lain
pinching on my mind.

332. When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my
profession, then I have thought of that scripture: THEY WERE

STONED, THEY WERE SAWN ASUNDER, WERE TEMPTED, WERE SLAIN WITH THE
SWORD, THEY WANDERED ABOUT IN SHEEP-SKINS, AND GOAT-SKINS, BEING

DESTITUTE, AFFLICTED, TORMENTED, OF WHOM THE WORLD WAS NOT WORTHY;
for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst

them. I have also thought of that saying, THE HOLY GHOST
WITNESSETH IN EVERY CITY, THAT BONDS AND AFFLICTIONS ABIDE ME. I

have verily thought that MY soul and IT have sometimes reasoned
about the sore and sad estate of a banished and exiled condition,

how they were exposed to hunger, to cold, to perils, to nakedness,
to enemies, and a thousand calamities; and at last, it may be, to

die in a ditch, like a poor and desolate sheep. But I thank God,
hitherto I have not been moved by these most DELICATE reasonings,

but have rather, by them, more approved my heart to God.
333. I will tell you a pretty business:- I was once above all the

rest, in a very sad and low condition for many weeks; at which time
also, I being but a young prisoner, and not acquainted with the

laws, had this lying much upon my spirits, THAT MY IMPRISONMENT
MIGHT END AT THE GALLOWS FOR OUGHT THAT I COULD TELL. Now

therefore Satan laid hard at me, to beat me out of heart, by
suggesting thus unto me: BUT HOW IF, WHEN YOU COME INDEED TO DIE,

YOU SHOULD BE IN THIS CONDITION; THAT IS, AS NOT TO SAVOUR THE
THINGS OF GOD, NOR TO HAVE ANY EVIDENCE UPON YOUR SOUL FOR A BETTER

STATE HEREAFTER? (for indeed at that time all the things of God
were hid from my soul).

334. Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was a
great trouble to me; for I thought with myself, that in the

condition I now was in, I was not fit to die, neither indeed did I
think I could, if I should be called to it; besides, I thought with

myself, if I should make a scrambling shift to clamber up the
ladder, yet I should either with quaking, or other symptoms of

fainting, give occasion to the enemy to reproach the way of God and
His people for their timorousness. This, therefore, lay with great

trouble upon me, for methought I was ashamed to die with a pale
face, and tottering knees, in such a cause as this.

335. Wherefore I prayed to God that He would comfort me, and give
me strength to do and suffer me what He should call me to; yet no

comfort appeared, but all continued hid: I was also at this time,
so really possessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as if

I was on a ladder with the rope about my neck; only this was some
encouragement to me; I thought I might now have an opportunity to

speak my last words to a multitude, which I thought would come to
see me die; and, thought I, if it must be so, if God will but

convert one soul by my very last words, I shall not count my life
thrown away, nor lost.

336. But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, and
still the tempter followed me with, BUT WHITHER MUST YOU GO WHEN

YOU DIE? WHAT WILL BECOME OF YOU? WHERE WILL YOU BE FOUND IN
ANOTHER WORLD? WHAT EVIDENCE HAVE YOU FOR HEAVEN AND GLORY, AND AN

INHERITANCE AMONG THEM THAT ARE SANCTIFIED? Thus was I tossed for
many weeks, and knew not what to do; at last this consideration

fell with weight upon me, THAT IT WAS FOR THE WORD AND WAY OF GOD
THAT I WAS IN THIS CONDITION, WHEREFORE I WAS ENGAGED NOT TO FLINCH

AN HAIR'S BREADTH FROM IT.
337. I thought also, that God might choose whether He would give