wife lay crying by me, I said, but with all secrecy imaginable,
even thinking in my heart, LORD, IF THOU WILT NOW REMOVE THIS SAD

AFFLICTION FROM MY WIFE, AND CAUSE THAT SHE BE TROUBLED NO MORE
THEREWITH THIS NIGHT (and now were her pangs just upon her), THEN I

SHALL KNOW THAT THOU CANST DISCERN THE MOST SECRET THOUGHTS OF THE
HEART.

241. I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken
from her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so continued till

morning; at this I greatly marvelled, not knowing what to think;
but after I had been awake a good while, and heard her cry no more,

I fell asleep also; so when I awaked in the morning, it came upon
me again, even what I had said in my heart the last night, and how

the Lord had showed me, that He knew my secret thoughts, which was
a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after.

242. Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful
thought, of which I have spoken before, went through my wicked

heart, even this thought, LET CHRIST GO, IF HE WILL: so when I was
fallen under the guilt for this, the remembrance of my other

thought, and of the effect thereof, would also come upon me with
this retort, which also carried rebuke along with it, NOW YOU MAY

SEE THAT GOD DOTH KNOW THE MOST SECRET THOUGHTS OF THE HEART.
243. And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt the

Lord, and His servant GIDEON, fell upon my spirit; how because that
GIDEON tempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he

should have believed and ventured upon His word; therefore the Lord
did afterwards so try him, as to send him against an innumerable

company of enemies, and that too, as to outward appearance, without
any strength or help. Judges vi. 7. Thus He served me, and that

justly, for I should have believed His word, and not have put an IF
upon the all-seeingness of God.

244. And now to show you something of the advantages that I also
have gained by this temptation: and first, by this I was made

continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of
the blessing and glory of God, and of His beloved Son; in the

temptation that went before, my soul was perplexed with unbelief,
blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions about the being of God,

Christ, the truth of the word, and certainty of the world to come:
I say, then I was greatly assaulted and tormented with atheism, but

now the case was otherwise; now was God and Christ continually
before my face, though not in a way of comfort, but in a way of

exceeding dread and terror. The glory of the holiness of God, did
at this time break me to pieces; and the bowels and compassion of

Christ did break me as on the wheel; for I could not consider Him
but as a lost and rejected Christ, the remembrance of which, was as

the continual breaking of my bones.
245. The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that

the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of
heaven; THOSE that the scriptures favour, THEY must inherit bliss;

but THOSE that they oppose and condemn, MUST perish for evermore:
Oh! this word, FOR THE SCRIPTURES CANNOT BE BROKEN, would rend the

caul of my heart: and so would that other, WHOSE SINS YE REMIT,
THEY ARE REMITTED; BUT WHOSE SINS YE RETAIN, THEY ARE RETAINED.

Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge.
Joshua xx. 4. Those that they were to receive in, were received to

life; but those that they shut out, were to be slain by the avenger
of blood.

246. Oh! one sentence of the scripture did more afflict and
terrify my mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me (as

sometimes I thought they every one did) more, I say, than an army
of forty thousand men that might have come against me. Woe be to

him against whom the scriptures bend themselves!
247. By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of

the promises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling
under the mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by the

thundering of His justice: this made me with careful heart, and
watchful eye, with great fearfulness to turn over every leaf, and

with much diligence, mixed with trembling, to consider every
sentence, together with its natural force and latitude.

248. By this temptation also I was greatly holden off from my
former foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when saw

it came into my mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfort
and sweetness from the promise, as I had done at other times; yet,

like to a man sinking, I would catch at all I saw: formerly I
thought I might not meddle with the promise, unless I felt its

comfort, but now 'twas no time thus to do; the avenger of blood too
hardly did pursue me.

249. Now therefore I was glad to catch at THAT word which yet I
feared I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into the

bosom of that promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against
me. Now also I should labour to take the word as God hath laid it

down, without restraining the natural force of one syllable
thereof: O! what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John: AND

HIM THAT COMETH TO ME, I WILL IN NO WISE CAST OUT. John vi. 37.
Now I began to consider with myself, that God hath a bigger mouth

to speak with, than I had a heart to conceive with; I thought also
with myself, that He spake not His words in haste, or in an

unadvised heat, but with infinitewisdom and judgment, and in very
truth and faithfulness. 2 Sam. iii. 28.

250. I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even
flounce towards the promise (as the horses do towards sound ground,

that yet stick in the mire); concluding (though as one almost
bereft of his wits through fear) on this I will rest and stay, and

leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it. Oh!
many a pull hath my heart had with Satan, for that blessed sixth of

John: I did not now, as at other times, look principally for
comfort (though, O how welcome would it have been unto me!). But

now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon, that it might not
sink for ever! 'twas that I hunted for.

251. Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have
seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever; I was often as

if I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me,
to keep me from Him, as with a flaming sword. Then I should think

of ESTHER, who went to petition the king contrary to the law.
Esther iv. 16. I thought also of Benhadad's servants, who went

with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy. 1 Kings
xx. 31, etc. The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted,

though called dog by Christ, Matt. xv., 22, etc., and the man that
went to borrow bread at midnight, Luke xi. 5-8, etc., were great

encouragements unto me.
252. I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and

mercy, as I saw after this temptation; great sins to draw out great
grace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy

of God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and
mighty. When JOB had passed through his captivity, HE HAD TWICE AS

MUCH AS HE HAD BEFORE. Job xlii. 10. Blessed be God for Jesus
Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make observation

of, but I would be brief, and therefore shall at this time omit
them; and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend,

lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did.
I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this

temptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that I
could hardly bear up under it: it was so out of measure amazing,

when I thought it could reach me, that I do think if that sense of
it had abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable for

business.
253. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the

Lord's dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the
temptations I then did meet withal. I shall begin with what I met

with when first I did join in fellowship with the people of God in