酷兔英语

章节正文

that day, such glory in a converted state, that I could not be

contented without a share therein. Gold! could it have been gotten
for gold, what would I have given for it? Had I had a whole world,

it had all gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul
might have been in a converted state.

74. How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I thought to be
converted men and women. They shone, they walked like a people

that carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh! I saw the
lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly

heritage. Psalm xvi. But that which made me sick, was that of
Christ, in St Mark, HE GOETH UP INTO A MOUNTAIN, AND CALLETH UNTO

HIM WHOM HE WOULD, AND THEY CAME UNTO HIM. Mark iii. 13.
75. This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in

my soul. That which made me fear, was this; lest Christ should
have no liking to me, for He called WHOM HE WOULD. But oh! the

glory that I saw in that condition, did still so engage my heart,
that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call, but I

presently wished, WOULD I HAD BEEN IN THEIR CLOTHES, WOULD I HAD
BEEN BORN PETER; WOULD I HAD BEEN BORN JOHN; OR, WOULD I HAD BEEN

BY AND HAD HEARD HIM WHEN HE CALLED THEM, HOW WOULD I HAVE CRIED, O
LORD, CALL ME ALSO! BUT, OH! I FEARED HE WOULD NOT CALL ME.

76. And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together, and
shewed me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called

hereafter: but at last after much time spent, and many groans to
God, that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly

calling; that word came in upon me: I WILL CLEANSE THEIR BLOOD,
THAT I HAVE NOT CLEANSED, FOR THE LORD DWELLETH IN ZION. Joel iii.

21. These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still
upon God; and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet

time might come, I might be in truth converted unto Christ.
77. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people

in BEDFORD, and to tell them my condition; which when they had
heard, they told Mr Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion

to talk with me, and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though
I think from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where

I should hear him confer with others, about the dealings of God
with their souls; from all which I still received more conviction,

and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward
wretchedness of my wicked heart; for as yet I knew no great matter

therein; but now it began to be discovered unto me, and also to
work at that rate as it never did before. Now I evidently found,

that lusts and corruptions put forth themselves within me, in
wicked thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my

desires also for heaven and life began to fail; I found also, that
whereas before my soul was full of longing after God, now it began

to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be
moved to mind that which was good; it began to be careless, both of

my soul and heaven; it would now continually hang back, both to,
and in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of a bird, to

hinder me from flying.
78. Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse: now I am farther

from conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink
greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in

my heart, as laid me as low as hell. If now I should have burned
at the stake, I could not believe that Christ had love for me:

alas! I could neither hear Him, nor see Him, nor feel Him, nor
favour any of His things; I was driven as with a tempest, my heart

would be unclean, and the CANAANITES would dwell in the land.
79. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God;

which, when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of
the promises; but they had as good have told me, that I must reach

the sun with my finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the
promises: and as soon I should have done it. All my sense and

feeling were against me; and I saw I had an heart that would sin,
and that lay under a law that would condemn.

80. These things have often made me think of the child which the
father brought to Christ, WHO, WHILE HE WAS YET COMING TO HIM, WAS

THROWN DOWN BY THE DEVIL, AND ALSO SO RENT AND TORN BY HIM, THAT HE
LAY DOWN AND WALLOWED, FOAMING. Luke ix. 42; Mark ix. 20.

81. Further, in these days, I would find my heart to shut itself
up against the Lord, and against His holy word: I have found my

unbelief to set, as it were, the shoulder to the door, to keep Him
out; and that too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh,

cried, Good Lord, break it open: LORD, BREAK THESE GATES OF BRASS,
AND CUT THESE BARS OF IRON ASUNDER. Psalm cvii. 16. Yet that word

would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, I GIRDED
THEE, THOUGH THOU HAST NOT KNOWN ME. Isaiah xlv. 5.

82. But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was never more
tender than now: my hinder parts were inward: I durst not take a

pin or stick, though but so big as a straw; for my conscience now
was sore, and would smart at every touch: I could not now tell how

to speak my words, for fear I should misplace them. Oh, how
gingerly did I then go, in all I did or said! I found myself as on

a miry bog, that shook if I did but stir, and was, as there, left
both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things.

83. But I observed, though I was such a great sinner before
conversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my

ignorance upon me; only He showed me, I was lost if I had not
Christ, because I had been a sinner: I saw that I wanted a perfect

righteousness to present me without fault before God, and this
righteousness was no where to be found, but in the Person of Jesus

Christ.
84. But my original and inward pollution; That, that was my plague

and affliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, always putting forth
itself within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason

of that, I was more loathsome in mine own eyes than was a toad, and
I thought I was so in God's eyes too: Sin and corruption, I said,

would as naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble
out of a fountain: I thought now, that every one had a better

heart than I had; I could have changed heart with any body; I
thought none but the devil himself could equalise me for inward

wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell therefore at the sight of
my own vileness deeply into despair; for I concluded, that this

condition that I was in, could not stand with a state of grace.
Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure, I am given up to the

devil, and to a reprobate mind: and thus I continued a long while,
even for some years together.

85. While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation,
there were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw

old people hunting after the things of this life, as if they should
live here always: the other was, when I found professors much

distressed and cast down, when they met with outward losses; as of
husband, wife, child, etc. Lord, thought I, what a-do is here

about such little things as these! What seeking after carnal
things, by some, and what grief in others for the loss of them! if

they so much labour after, and shed so many tears for the things of
this present life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for!

My soul is dying, my soul is damning. Were my soul but in a good
condition, and were I but sure of it, ah! how rich should I esteem

myself, though blessed but with bread and water! I should count
those but small afflictions, and should bear them as little

burthens. A WOUNDED SPIRIT WHO CAN BEAR!
86. And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with

the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was
afraid to let this sight and sense go quite off my mind: that

unless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by
the blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his

trouble of mind, than better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon
me, then I should cry that the blood of Christ might take it off:

and if it was going off without it (for the sense of sin would be
sometimes as if it would die, and go quite away), then I would also

strive to fetch it upon my heart again, by bringing the punishment
of sin in hell fire upon my spirit; and should cry, LORD, LET IT

NOT GO OFF MY HEART, BUT THE RIGHT WAY, BY THE BLOOD OF CHRIST, AND
THE APPLICATION OF THY MERCY, THROUGH HIM, TO MY SOUL, for that

scripture lay much upon me, WITHOUT SHEDDING OF BLOOD IS NO
REMISSION. Heb. ix. 22. And that which made me the more afraid of

this, was, because I had seen some, who though when they were under
wounds of conscience, would cry and pray; yet seeking rather

present ease from their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared
not how they lost their guilt, so they got it out of their mind:

now, having got it off the wrong way, it was not sanctified unto
them; but they grew harder and blinder, and more wicked after their

trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry to God the more,
that it might not be so with me.

87. And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for I feared I
was a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of

all the creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad
condition, I counted myself alone, and above the most of men

unblessed.
88. Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so

much goodness of heart, as to thank God that He had made me a man.
Man indeed is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the

visible world; but by sin he has made himself the most ignoble.
The beasts, birds, fishes, etc. I blessed their condition; for

they had not a sinful nature; they were not obnoxious to the wrath
of God; they were not to go to hell-fire after death; I could

therefore have rejoiced, had my condition been as any of theirs.
89. In this condition I went a great while, but when comforting

time was come, I heard one preach a sermon on these words in the
song, Song iv. 1, BEHOLD, THOU ART FAIR, MY LOVE, BEHOLD, THOU ART

FAIR. But at that time he made these two words, MY LOVE, his chief
and subject matter: from which, after he had a little opened the

text, he observed these several conclusions: 1. THAT THE CHURCH,
AND SO EVERY SAVED SOUL, IS CHRIST'S LOVE, WHEN LOVELESS. 2.

CHRIST'S LOVE WITHOUT A CAUSE. 3. CHRIST'S LOVE, WHEN HATED OF THE
WORLD. 4. CHRIST'S LOVE, WHEN UNDER TEMPTATION AND UNDER

DESTRUCTION. 5. CHRIST'S LOVE, FROM FIRST TO LAST.
90. But I got nothing by what he said at present; only when he

came to the application of the fourth particular, this was the word
he said; IF IT BE SO, THAT THE SAVED SOUL IS CHRIST'S LOVE, WHEN

UNDER TEMPTATION AND DESERTION; THEN POOR TEMPTED SOUL, WHEN THOU
ART ASSAULTED, AND AFFLICTED WITH TEMPTATIONS, AND THE HIDINGS OF

GOD'S FACE, YET THINK ON THESE TWO WORDS, 'My love,' STILL.
91. So as I was going home, these words came again into my

thoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my
heart, WHAT SHALL I GET BY THINKING ON THESE TWO WORDS? This

thought had no sooner passed through my heart, but these words
began thus to kindle in my spirit, THOU ART MY LOVE, THOU ART MY

DOVE, twenty times together; and still as they ran in my mind, they
waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make me look up; but being

as yet, between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, BUT IS
IT TRUE, BUT IS IT TRUE? At which that sentence fell upon me, HE

WIST NOT THAT IT WAS TRUE, WHICH WAS DONE BY THE ANGEL. Acts xii.
9.

92. Then I began to give place to the word which with power, did
over and over make this joyful sound within my soul, 'THOU ART MY

LOVE, THOU ART MY LOVE, AND NOTHING SHALL SEPARATE THEE FROM MY
LOVE. And with that my heart was filled full of comfort and hope,

and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me; yea, I
was now so taken with the love and mercy of God, that I remember I

could not tell how to contain till I got home: I thought I could
have spoken of His love, and have told of His mercy to me, even to

the very crows, that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had
they been capable to have understood me: wherefore I said in my

soul, with much gladness, WELL, I WOULD I HAD A PEN AND INK HERE, I
WOULD WRITE THIS DOWN BEFORE I GO ANY FARTHER; FOR SURELY I WILL

NOT FORGET THIS FORTY YEARS HENCE. But, alas! within less than
forty days I began to question all again; which made me begin to

question all still.
93. Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a true



文章标签:名著  

章节正文