of Jesus Christ, the rock of man's salvation: What was done, could

not be undone, added to, nor altered. I saw, indeed, that sin
might drive the soul beyond Christ, even the sin which is

unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven, for the word would
shut him out.

187. Thus I was always sinking, whatever I did think or do. So
one day I walked to a neighbouring town, and sate down upon a

settle in the street, and fell into a very deep pause about the
most fearful state my sin had brought me to; and after long musing,

I lifted up I sat my head, but methought I saw, as if the sun that
shineth in the heavens did grudge to give light; and as if the very

stones in the street, and tiles upon the houses, did bend
themselves against me. Methought that they all combined together

to banish me out of the world. I was abhorred of them, and unfit
to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits, because I

had sinned against the Saviour. O how happy now was every creature
over I was! For they stood fast, and kept their station, but I was

gone and lost.
188. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said to

myself with a grievous sigh, HOW CAN GOD COMFORT SUCH A WRETCH! I
had no sooner said it, but this returned upon me, as an echo doth

answer a voice: THIS SIN IS NOT UNTO DEATH. At which I was, as if
I had been raised out of the grave, and cried out again, LORD, HOW

COULDST THOU FIND OUT SUCH A WORD AS THIS! For I was filled with
admiration at the fitness, and at the unexpectedness of the

sentence; the fitness of the word, the rightness of the timing of
it; the power, and sweetness, and light, and glory that came with

it also, were marvellous to me to find: I was now, for the time,
out of doubt, as to that about which I was so much in doubt before;

my fears before WERE, that my sin was not pardonable, and so that I
had no right to pray, to repent, etc., or that, if I did, it would

be of no advantage or profit to me. But now, thought I, if THIS
SIN is not unto death, then it is pardonable; therefore from this I

have encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy, to consider
the promise of forgiveness, as that which stands with open arms to

receive me as well as others. This therefore was a great easement
to my mind, to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it was not the

sin unto death (1 John v. 16, 17). None but those that know what
my trouble (by their own experience) was, can tell what relief came

to my soul by this consideration: it was a release to me from my
former bonds, and a shelter from the former storm: I seemed now to

stand upon the same ground with other sinners, and to have as good
right to the word and prayer as any of they.

189. Now I say, I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable,
but that there might be hopes for me to obtainforgiveness. But

oh! how Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again!
But he could by no means do it, neither this day, nor the most part

of the next, for this good sentence stood like a mill-post at my
back: yet towards the evening of the next day, I felt this word

begin to leave me, and to withdraw its supportation from me, and so
I returned to my old fears again, but with a great deal of grudging

and peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of despair; nor could my
faith now long retain this word.

190. But the next day at evening, being under many fears, I went
to seek the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to

Him in these words, with strong cries: O LORD, I BESEECH THEE,
SHOW ME THAT THOU HAST LOVED ME WITH EVERLASTING LOVE. Jer. xxxi.

3. I had no sooner said it, but with sweetness this returned upon
me, as an echo, or sounding again, I HAVE LOVED THEE WITH AN

EVERLASTING LOVE. Now I went to bed in quiet; also when I awakened
the next morning, it was fresh upon my soul; and I believed it.

191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so
little as an hundred times, that he that day did labour to then

break my peace. Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meet
with; as I strove to hold by this word, that of ESAU would fly in

my face like lightning: I should be sometimes up and down twenty
times in an hour; yet God did bear me up, and keep my heart upon

this word; from which I had also, for several days together, very
much sweetness, and comfortable hopes of pardon: for thus it was

made out unto me, I LOVED THEE WHILST THOU WAST COMMITTING THIS
SIN, I LOVED THEE BEFORE, I LOVE THEE STILL, AND I WILL LOVE THEE

FOR EVER.
192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and

could not but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment,
that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God: wherefore I felt

my soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn
towards Him; for I saw He was still my friend, and did reward me

good for evil; yea, the love and affection that then did burn
within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, did work at this time

such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for the
abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then thought, had I

had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could freely
then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord and

Saviour.
193. And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering

how to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying
came in upon me, IF THOU, LORD, SHOULDST MARK INIQUITIES, O LORD,

WHO SHOULD STAND? BUT THERE IS FORGIVENESS WITH THEE, THAT THOU
MAYEST BE FEARED. Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. These were good words to me,

especially the latter part thereof; to wit, that there is
forgiveness with the Lord, that He might be feared; that is, as

then I understood it, that He might be loved, and had in reverence;
for it was thus made out to me, THAT THE GREAT GOD DID SET SO HIGH

AN ESTEEM UPON THE LOVE OF HIS POOR CREATURES, THAT RATHER THAN HE
WOULD GO WITHOUT THEIR LOVE, HE WOULD PARDON THEIR TRANSGRESSIONS.

194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also
refreshed by it; THAT THOU MAYEST REMEMBER AND BE CONFOUNDED, AND

NEVER OPEN THY MOUTH ANY MORE, BECAUSE OF THY SHAME, WHEN I AM
PACIFIED TOWARD THEE FOR ALL THAT THOU HAST DONE, SAITH THE LORD

GOD. Ezek. xvi. 63. Thus was my soul at this time (and as I then
did think for ever) set at liberty from being afflicted with my

former guilt and amazement.
195. But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again,

fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might
be deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came

strong into my mind, THAT WHATEVER COMFORT AND PEACE I THOUGHT I
MIGHT HAVE FROM THE WORD OF THE PROMISE OF LIFE, YET UNLESS THERE

COULD BE FOUND IN MY REFRESHMENT, A CONCURRENCE AND AGREEMENT IN
THE SCRIPTURES, LET ME THINK WHAT I WILL THEREOF, AND HOLD IT NEVER

SO FAST, I SHOULD FIND NO SUCH THING AT THE END; AND THE SCRIPTURE
CANNOT BE BROKEN. John x. 35.

196. Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with
a disappointment at last. Wherefore I began with all seriousness

to examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had
sinned as I had done, might with confidence trust upon the

faithfulness of God, laid down in those words, by which I had been
comforted, and on which I had leaned myself: but now were brought

those sayings to my mind. FOR IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR THOSE WHO WERE
ONCE ENLIGHTENED, AND HAVE TASTED OF THE HEAVENLY GIFT, AND WERE

MADE PARTAKERS OF THE HOLY GHOST, AND HAVE TASTED THE GOOD WORD OF
GOD, AND THE POWERS OF THE WORLD TO COME, IF THEY SHALL FALL AWAY,

TO RENEW THEM AGAIN UNTO REPENTANCE. Heb. vi. 4-6. FOR, IF WE SIN
WILFULLY, AFTER WE HAVE RECEIVED THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE TRUTH, THERE

REMAINS NO MORE SACRIFICE FOR SIN, BUT A CERTAIN FEARFUL LOOKING