trifle, - God can tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from
man. Quickly after this my love was tried to purpose.

132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously
delivered me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me

down so sweetly in the faith of His holy gospel, and had given me
such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven, touching

my interest in His love through Christ; the tempter came upon me
again, and that with a more grievous and dreadfultemptation than

before.
133. And that was, TO SELL AND PART WITH THIS MOST BLESSED CHRIST,

TO EXCHANGE HIM FOR THE THINGS OF THIS LIFE, FOR ANY THING. The
temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me

so continually" target="_blank" title="ad.不断地，频繁地">continually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month: no,
not sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was

asleep.
134. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, that those who

were once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, I
had seen myself) could never lose Him for ever; THE LAND SHALL NOT

BE SOLD FOR EVER, FOR THE LAND IS MINE, saith God. Lev. xxv. 23.
Yet it was a continualvexation to me, to think that I should have

so much as one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus,
that had done for me as He had done; and yet then I had almost none

others, but such blasphemous ones.
135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any

desire and endeavour to resist, that in the least did shake or
abate the continuation or force and strength thereof; for it did

always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in
such sort, that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop

a stick, or cast mine eye to look on this or that, but still the
temptation would come, SELL CHRIST FOR THIS, OR SELL CHRIST FOR

THAT; SELL HIM, sELL HIM.
136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a

hundred times together, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, SELL HIM: against
which, I may say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to

stand as continually" target="_blank" title="ad.不断地，频繁地">continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest
haply, before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my

heart, that might consent thereto; and sometimes the tempter would
make me believe I had consented to it; but then I should be, as

tortured upon a rack for whole days together.
137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at

some times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcometherewith, that
by the very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist

this wickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion,
by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows; still

answering, as fast as the destroyer said, SELL HIM; I WILL NOT, I
WILL NOT, I WILL NOT, I WILL NOT; NO, NOT FOR THOUSANDS, THOUSANDS,

THOUSANDS OF WORLDS: thus reckoning, lest I should, in the midst
of these assaults, set too low a value on Him; even until I scarce

well knew where I was, or how to be composed again.
138. At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet;

but, forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I must go
hence to pray; I must leave my food now, just now, so counterfeit

holy also would this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I would
say in myself, NOW I AM AT MEAT; LET ME MAKE AN END. NO, said he,

YOU MUST DO IT NOW, OR YOU WILL DISPLEASE GOD, AND DESPISE CHRIST.
Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things; and because of

the sinfulness of my nature (imagining that these were impulses
from God), I should deny to do it, as if I denied God, and then

should I be as guilty, because I did not obey a temptation of the
devil, as if I had broken the law of God indeed.

139. But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in my bed, I was,
as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, TO

SELL AND PART WITH CHRIST; the wickedsuggestion still running in
my mind, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, as fast

as a man could speak: against which also, in my mind, as at other
times, I answered, NO, NO, NOT FOR THOUSANDS, THOUSANDS, THOUSANDS,

at least twenty times together: but at last, after much striving,
even until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass

through my heart, LET HIM GO, IF HE WILL; and I thought also, that
I felt my heart freely consent thereto. Oh! the diligence of

Satan! Oh! the desperateness of man's heart!
140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that is

shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair.
Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God

knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear;
where for the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life;

and, as now, past all recovery, and bound over to eternal
punishment.

141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: OR
PROFANE PERSONS AS ESAU, WHO FOR ONE MORSEL OF MEAT, SOLD HIS

BIRTHRIGHT: FOR YE KNOW, HOW THAT AFTERWARD, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE
INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED; FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE OF

REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS. Heb. xii.
16, 17.

142. Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the
judgment to come; nothing now, for two years together, would abide

with me, but damnation, and an expectation of damnation: I say,
nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few moments for

relief, as in the sequel you will see.
143. These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to my

legs, in the continual sound of which I went for several months
together. But about ten or eleven o'clock on that day, as I was

walking under an hedge (full of sorrow and guilt, God knows), and
bemoaning myself for this hard hap, that such a thought should

arise within me, suddenly this sentence rushed in upon me, THE
BLOOD OF CHRIST REMITS ALL GUILT. At this I made a stand in my

spirit: with that this word took hold upon me, THE BLOOD OF JESUS
CHRIST HIS SON, CLEANSETH US FROM ALL SIN. 1 John i. 7.

144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I
saw, as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being

ashamed of what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin,
and the blood of Christ, thus represented to me, That my sin, when

compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this
little clod or stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that

here I see. This gave me good encouragement for the space of two
or three hours; in which time also, methought, I saw, by faith, the

Son of God, as suffering for my sins: but because it tarried not,
I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt again.

145. But chiefly by the aforementioned scriptureconcerning ESAU'S
selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day

long, all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and
hold me down, so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when

I would strive to turn to this scripture or that, for relief, still
that sentence would be sounding in me; FOR YE KNOW, HOW THAT

AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE FOUND NO
PLACE OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS.

146. Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that in Luke
xxii. 31, I HAVE PRAYED FOR THEE THAT THY FAITH FAIL NOT; but it

would not abide upon me; neither could I, indeed, when I considered
my state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there should

be the root of that grace in me, having sinned as I had done. Now
was I tore and rent in an heavy case for many days together.

147. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the
nature and largeness of my sin, and to search into the word of God,

if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging
sentence, by which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to

consider that of Mark iii. 28: ALL SINS SHALL BE FORGIVEN UNTO THE
SONS OF MEN, AND BLASPHEMIES WHEREWITH SOEVER THEY SHALL BLASPHEME.