Which place,
methought at a blush, did
contain a large and glorious
promise for the
pardon of high offences; but
considering the place
more fully, I thought it was rather to be understood, as relating
more
chiefly to those who had, while in a natural
estate,
committed
such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only
received light and mercy, but that had both after, and also
contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.
148. I feared,
therefore, that this
wicked sin of mine, might be
that sin un
pardonable, of which He there thus speaketh. BUT HE
THAT SHALL BLASPHEME AGAINST THE HOLY GHOST, HATH NEVER
FORGIVENESS, BUT IS IN DANGER OF ETERNAL DAMNATION. Mark iii. 29.
And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that
sentencein the Hebrews: FOR YOU KNOW HOW THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD
HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED; FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE
OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS. And this
stuck always with me.
149. And now was I both a burthen and a
terror to myself; nor did
I ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet
afraid to die. Oh! how
gladly now would I have been anybody but
myself! anything but a man, and in any condition but my own! For
there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that
it was impossible for me to be
forgiven my transgression, and to be
saved from the wrath to come.
150. And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing a
thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when I
should be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation,
both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have
been torn in pieces, than be found a consenter
thereto. But alas!
these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings were now too late to
help me; this thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and
I am fallen. Oh! thought I, THAT IT WERE WITH ME AS IN MONTHS
PAST, AS IN THE DAYS WHEN GOD PRESERVED ME! Job xxix. 2.
151. Then again, being loth and
unwilling to
perish, I began to
compare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those
that were saved, had done as I had done. So I considered DAVID'S
adultery, and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those
too
committed after light and grace received: but yet by
considering that his transgressions were only such as were against
the law of MOSES, from which the Lord Christ could, with the
consent of His word, deliver him: but mine was against the
gospel;
yea, against the Mediator thereof; I had sold my Saviour.
152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I
considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be
so void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin
but this? Must it needs be the GREAT TRANSGRESSION? Ps. xix. 13.
Must THAT WICKED ONE touch my soul? 1 John v. 18. Oh! what sting
did I find in all these
sentences?
153. What, thought I, is there but ONE sin that is un
pardonable?
but ONE sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God's mercy;
and must I be
guilty of THAT? must it needs be that? Is there but
one SIN among SO MANY millions of sins, for which there is no
forgiveness; and must I
commit this? Oh!
unhappy SIN! Oh!
unhappyMAN! These things would so break and
confound my spirit, that I
could not tell what to do; I thought at times, they would have
broke my wits; and still, to
aggravate my
misery, that would run in
my mind, YOU KNOW, HOW, THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE
INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED. OH! NO ONE KNOWS THE
TERRORS OF THOSE DAYS BUT MYSELF.
154. After this I began to consider of PETER'S sin, which he
committed in denying his Master: and indeed, this came nighest to
mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I,
after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning
given him. I also considered, that he did it both once and twice;
and that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all
these circumstances together, that, if possible I might find help,
yet I considered again, that his was but A DENIAL OF HIS MASTER,
but mine was, A SELLING OF MY SAVIOUR. Wherefore I thought with
myself, that I came nearer to JUDAS, than either to DAVID or PETER.
155. Here again my
torment would flame out and
afflict me; yea, it
would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation
of God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus
considering of other men's sins, and comparing them with mine own,
I could
evidently see, God preserved them,
notwithstanding their