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Which place, methought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious

promise for the pardon of high offences; but considering the place



more fully, I thought it was rather to be understood, as relating

more chiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate, committed



such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only

received light and mercy, but that had both after, and also



contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.

148. I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, might be



that sin unpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh. BUT HE

THAT SHALL BLASPHEME AGAINST THE HOLY GHOST, HATH NEVER



FORGIVENESS, BUT IS IN DANGER OF ETERNAL DAMNATION. Mark iii. 29.

And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence



in the Hebrews: FOR YOU KNOW HOW THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD

HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED; FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE



OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS. And this

stuck always with me.



149. And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nor did

I ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet



afraid to die. Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody but

myself! anything but a man, and in any condition but my own! For



there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that

it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be



saved from the wrath to come.

150. And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing a



thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when I

should be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation,



both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have

been torn in pieces, than be found a consenter thereto. But alas!



these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings were now too late to

help me; this thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and



I am fallen. Oh! thought I, THAT IT WERE WITH ME AS IN MONTHS

PAST, AS IN THE DAYS WHEN GOD PRESERVED ME! Job xxix. 2.



151. Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to

compare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those



that were saved, had done as I had done. So I considered DAVID'S

adultery, and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those



too committed after light and grace received: but yet by

considering that his transgressions were only such as were against



the law of MOSES, from which the Lord Christ could, with the

consent of His word, deliver him: but mine was against the gospel;



yea, against the Mediator thereof; I had sold my Saviour.

152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I



considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be

so void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin



but this? Must it needs be the GREAT TRANSGRESSION? Ps. xix. 13.

Must THAT WICKED ONE touch my soul? 1 John v. 18. Oh! what sting



did I find in all these sentences?

153. What, thought I, is there but ONE sin that is unpardonable?



but ONE sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God's mercy;

and must I be guilty of THAT? must it needs be that? Is there but



one SIN among SO MANY millions of sins, for which there is no

forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh! unhappy SIN! Oh! unhappy



MAN! These things would so break and confound my spirit, that I

could not tell what to do; I thought at times, they would have



broke my wits; and still, to aggravate my misery, that would run in

my mind, YOU KNOW, HOW, THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE



INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED. OH! NO ONE KNOWS THE

TERRORS OF THOSE DAYS BUT MYSELF.



154. After this I began to consider of PETER'S sin, which he

committed in denying his Master: and indeed, this came nighest to



mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I,

after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning



given him. I also considered, that he did it both once and twice;

and that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all



these circumstances together, that, if possible I might find help,

yet I considered again, that his was but A DENIAL OF HIS MASTER,



but mine was, A SELLING OF MY SAVIOUR. Wherefore I thought with

myself, that I came nearer to JUDAS, than either to DAVID or PETER.



155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it

would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation



of God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus

considering of other men's sins, and comparing them with mine own,



I could evidently see, God preserved them, notwithstanding their




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