the greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the
vileness of my companions; yet, even then, if I had at any time

seen wicked things, by those who professed goodness, it would make
my spirit tremble. As once above all the rest, when I was in the

height of vanity, yet hearing one to swear, that was reckoned for a
religious man, it had so great a stroke upon my spirit, that it

made my heart ache.
12. But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not

now with convictions, but judgments; yet such as were mixed with
mercy. For once I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped

drowning. Another time I fell out of a boat into BEDFORD river,
but, mercy yet preserved me alive: besides, another time, being in

a field, with one of my companions, it chanced that an adder passed
over the highway, so I having a stick in my hand, struck her over

the back; and having stunned her, I forced open her mouth with my
stick, and plucked her sting out with my fingers; by which act had

not God been merciful unto me, I might by my desperateness, have
brought myself to my end.

13. This also I have taken notice of, with thanksgiving: When I
was a soldier, I with others, were drawn out to go to such a place

to besiege it; but when I was just ready to go, one of the company
desired to go in my room: to which, when I had consented, he took

my place; and coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was
shot in the head with a musket-bullet and died.

14. Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them
did awaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, and

grew more and more rebellious against God, and careless of my own
salvation.

15. Presently after this, I changed my condition into a married
state, and my mercy was, to light upon a wife whose father was

counted godly: This woman and I, though we came together as poor
as poor might be (not having so much household stuff as a dish or a

spoon betwixt us both), yet this she had for her part: THE PLAIN
MAN'S PATHWAY TO HEAVEN and THE PRACTICE OF PIETY; which her father

had left her when he died. In these two books I would sometimes
read with her, wherein I also found some things that were somewhat

pleasing to me (but all this while I met with no conviction). She
also would be often telling of me what a godly man her father was,

and how he would reprove and correct vice, both in his house, and
among his neighbours; what a strict and holy life he lived in his

days, both in word and deed.
16. Wherefore these books, with this relation, though they did not

reach my heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet
they did beget within me some desires to religion: so that because

I knew no better, I fell in very eagerly with the religion of the
times; to wit, to go to church twice a day, and that too with the

foremost; and there should very devoutly, both say and sing, as
others did, yet retaining my wicked life; but withal, I was so

over-run with the spirit of superstition, that I adored, and that
with great devotion, even all things (both the high-place, priest,

clerk, vestment, service, and what else) belonging to the church;
counting all things holy that were therein contained, and

especially, the priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt,
greatly blessed, because they were the servants, as I then thought,

of God, and were principal in the holy temple, to do His work
therein.

17. This conceit grew so strong in a little time upon my spirit,
that had I but seen a priest (though never so sordid and debauched

in his life), I should find my spirit fall under him, reverence
him, and knit unto him; yea, I thought, for the love I did bear

unto them (supposing them the ministers of God), I could have laid
down at their feet, and have been trampled upon by them; their

name, their garb, and work did so intoxicate and bewitch me.
18. After I had been thus for some considerable time, another

thought came in my mind; and that was, whether we were of the
ISRAELITES or no? For finding in the scripture that they were once

the peculiar people of God, thought I, if I were one of this race,
my soul must needs be happy. Now again, I found within me a great

longing to be resolved about this question, but could not tell how
I should: at last I asked my father of it; who told me, NO, WE

WERE NOT. Wherefore then I fell in my spirit, as to the hopes of
that, and so remained.

19. But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil
of sin; I was kept from considering that sin would damn me, what

religion soever I followed, unless I was found in Christ: nay, I
never thought of Him, or whether there was such a One, or no. THUS

MAN, WHILE BLIND, DOTH WANDER, BUT WEARIETH HIMSELF WITH VANITY,
FOR HE KNOWETH NOT THE WAY TO THE CITY OF GOD. Eccles. x. 15.

20. But one day (amongst all the sermons our parson made) his
subject was, to treat of the Sabbath day, and of the evil of

breaking that, either with labour, sports or otherwise. (Now, I
was, standing" target="_blank" title="prep.&conj.虽然；还是">notwithstanding my religion, one that took much delight in all

manner of vice, and especially that was the day that I did solace
myself therewith): wherefore I fell in my conscience under his

sermon, thinking and believing that he made that sermon on purpose
to show me my evil doing. And at that time I felt what guilt was,

though never before, that I can remember; but then I was, for the
present, greatly loaden therewith, and so went home when the sermon

was ended, with a great burthen upon my spirit.
21. This, for that instant did benumb the sinews of my best

delights, and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but hold, it
lasted not, for before I had well dined, the trouble began to go

off my mind, and my heart returned to its old course: but oh! how
glad was I, that this trouble was gone from me, and that the fire

was put out, that I might sin again without control! Wherefore,
when I had satisfied nature with my food, I shook the sermon out of

my mind, and to my old custom of sports and gaming, I returned with
great delight.

22. But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game of Cat, and
having struck it one blow from the hole, just as I was about to

strike it the second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven
into my soul, which said, WILT THOU LEAVE THY SINS AND GO TO

HEAVEN, OR HAVE THY SINS AND GO TO HELL? At this I was put to an
exceeding maze; wherefore leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked

up to heaven, and was, as if I had, with the eyes of my
understanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me, as being

very hotly displeased with me, and as if He did severely threaten
me with some grievouspunishment for these and other ungodly

practices.
23. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but, suddenly, this

conclusion was fastened on my spirit (for the former hint did set
my sins again before my face), THAT I HAD BEEN A GREAT AND GRIEVOUS

SINNER, AND THAT IT WAS NOW TOO LATE FOR ME TO LOOK AFTER HEAVEN;
FOR CHRIST WOULD NOT FORGIVE ME, NOR PARDON MY TRANSGRESSIONS.

Then I fell to musing on this also; and while I was thinking of it,
and fearing lest it should be so; I felt my heart sink in despair,

concluding it was too late; and therefore I resolved in my mind I
would go on in sin: for, thought I, if the case be thus, my state

is surely miserable; miserable if I leave my sins, and but
miserable if I follow them; I can but be damned, and if I must be

so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as be damned for few.
24. Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then

were present: but yet I told them nothing: but I say; having made
this conclusion, I returned desperately to my sport again; and I

well remember, that presently this kind of despair did so possess
my soul, that I was persuaded I could never attain to other comfort

than what I should get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that
on that I must not think; wherefore I found within me great desire

to take my fill of sin, still studying what sin was yet to be
committed, that I might taste the sweetness of it; and I made as

much haste as I could to fill my belly with its delicates, lest I