should die before I had my desire; for that I feared greatly. In
these things, I protest before God, I lye not, neither do I feign
this form of speech; these were really,
strongly, and with all my
heart, my desires: THE GOOD LORD, WHOSE MERCY IS UNSEARCHABLE,
FORGIVE ME MY TRANSGRESSIONS!
25. And I am very
confident, that this
temptation of the devil is
more usual among poor creatures, than many are aware of, even to
over-run the spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and
benumbing of
conscience, which frame he stilly and slily supplieth
with such
despair, that, though not much guilt attendeth souls, yet
they
continually have a secret
conclusion within them, that there
is no hope for them; FOR THEY HAVE LOVED SINS, THEREFORE AFTER THEM
THEY WILL GO. Jer. ii. 25, and xviii. 12.
26. Now
therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind,
still grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it, as I
would. This did continue with me about a month, or more; but one
day, as I was
standing at a neighbour's shop window, and there
cursing and swearing, and playing the
madman, after my wonted
manner, there sate within, the woman of the house, and heard me;
who, though she also was a very loose and ungodly
wretch, yet
protested that I swore and cursed at that most
fearful rate, that
she was made to tremble to hear me; and told me further, THAT I WAS
THE UNGODLIEST FELLOW FOR SWEARING, THAT SHE EVER HEARD IN ALL HER
LIFE; AND THAT I, BY THUS DOING, WAS ABLE TO SPOIL ALL THE YOUTH IN
THE WHOLE TOWN, IF THEY COME BUT IN MY COMPANY.
27. At this
reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame; and
that too, as I thought, before the God of heaven;
wherefore, while
I stood there, and
hanging down my head, I wished with all my heart
that I might be a little child again, that my father might learn me
to speak without this
wicked way of swearing; for, thought I, I am
so accustomed to it, that it is in vain for me to think of a
reformation; for I thought it could never be.
28. But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this time
forward, so leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to myself
to observe it; and
whereas before I knew not how to speak unless I
put an oath before, and another behind, to make my words have
authority; now I could, without it, speak better, and with more
pleasantness than ever I could before. All this while I knew not
Jesus Christ, neither did I leave my sports and plays.
29. But quickly after this, I fell into company with one poor man
that made
profession of religion; who, as I then thought, did talk
pleasantly of the
scriptures, and of the matters of religion;
wherefore falling into some love and
liking to what he said, I
betook me to my Bible, and began to take great pleasure in reading,
but especially with the
historical part thereof; for as for Paul's
Epistles, and such like
scriptures, I could not away with them,
being as yet
ignorant, either of the corruptions of my nature, or
of the want and worth of Jesus Christ to save me.
30. Wherefore I fell to some
outward reformation both in my words
and life, and did set the commandments before me for my way to
heaven; which commandments I also did
strive to keep, and, as I
thought, did keep them pretty well sometimes, and then I should
have comfort; yet now and then should break one, and so
afflict my
conscience; but then I should
repent, and say, I was sorry for it,
and promise God to do better next time, and there get help again;
for then I thought I pleased God as well as any man in ENGLAND.
31. Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours
did take me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, and
did
marvel much to see such a great and famous
alteration in my
life and manners; and indeed so it was, though yet I knew not
Christ, nor grace, nor faith, nor hope; for, as I have well seen
since, had I then died, my state had been most
fearful.
32. But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great
conversion, from
prodigious profaneness, to something like a moral
life; and truly, so they well might; for this my
conversion was as
great, as for Tom of Bethlehem to become a sober man. Now
therefore they began to praise, to
commend, and to speak well of
me, both to my face, and behind my back. Now I was, as they said,
become godly; now I was become a right honest man. But oh! when I
understood these were their words and opinions of me, it pleased me