BEDFORD. After I had propounded to the church, that my desire was
to walk in the order and
ordinances of Christ with them, and was
also admitted by them: while I thought of that
blessedordinanceof Christ, which was His last supper with His disciples before His
death, that
scripture, DO THIS IN REMEMBRANCE OF ME, Luke xxii. 19,
was made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did come
down upon my
conscience with the discovery of His death for my
sins; and as I then felt, did as if He plunged me in the
virtue of
the same. But behold, I had not been long a
partaker at that
ordinance, but such
fierce and sad
temptations did attend me at all
times
therein, both to blaspheme the
ordinance, and to wish some
deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof: that lest I
should at any time be
guilty of consenting to these
wicked and
fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all the while, to
pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies: and also to cry to
God to bless the bread and cup to them, as it went from mouth to
mouth. The reason of this
temptation, I have thought since, was,
because I did not with that
reverence that became me at first,
approach to
partake thereof.
254. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could
never have rest nor ease: but at the last the Lord came in upon my
soul with that same
scripture, by which my soul was visited before:
and after that, I have been usually very well and comfortable in
the partaking of that
blessedordinance; and have, I trust,
thereindiscerned the Lord's body, as broken for my sins, and that His
precious blood hath been shed for my transgressions.
255. Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption,
wherewith about the spring I was suddenly and
violently seized,
with much
weakness in my
outward man; insomuch that I thought I
could not live. Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious
examination after my state and condition for the future, and of my
evidences for that
blessed world to come: for it hath, I bless the
name of God, been my usual course, as always, so especially in the
day of
affliction, to
endeavour to keep my interest in the life to
come, clear before mine eyes.
256. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former
experience of the
goodness of God to my soul, but there came
flocking into my mind an
innumerable company of my sins and
transgressions;
amongst which these were at this time most to my
affliction;
namely, my deadness, dulness, and
coldness in holy
duties; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness in all good
things, my want of love to God, His ways and people, with this at
the end of all, ARE THESE THE FRUITS OF CHRISTIANITY? ARE THESE
TOKENS OF A BLESSED MAN?
257. At the apprehensions of these things my
sickness was doubled
upon me; for now I was sick in my
inward man, my soul was clogged
with guilt; now also was my former experience of God's
goodness to
me, quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been,
or seen: now was my soul greatly pinched between these two
considerations, LIVE I MUST NOT, DIE I DARE NOT. Now I sunk and
fell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but as I was
walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state,
that word of God took hold of my heart, YE ARE JUSTIFIED FREELY BY
HIS GRACE, THROUGH THE REDEMPTION THAT IS IN CHRIST JESUS. Rom.
iii. 24. But oh! what a turn it made upon me!
258. Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and
dream; and listening to this
heavenlysentence, I was as if I had
heard it thus expounded to me: SINNER, THOU THINKEST, THAT BECAUSE
THY SINS AND INFIRMITIES, I CANNOT SAVE THY SOUL; BUT BEHOLD MY SON
IS BY ME, AND UPON HIM I LOOK, AND NOT ON THEE, AND SHALL DEAL WITH
THEE ACCORDING AS I AM PLEASED WITH HIM. At this I was greatly
lightened in my mind, and made to understand, that God could
justify a
sinner at any time; it was but His looking upon Christ,
and imputing His benefits to us, and the work was
forthwith done.
259. And as I was thus in a muse, that
scripture also came with
great power upon my spirit, NOT BY WORKS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS THAT WE
HAVE DONE, BUT ACCORDING TO HIS MERCY HE HATH SAVED US, ETC. 2
Tim. i. 9; Tit. iii. 5. Now was I got on high, I saw myself within
the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to
think of a dying hour, yet, now I cried, LET ME DIE: Now death was
lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw WE SHALL NEVER LIVE
INDEED, TILL WE BE GONE TO THE OTHER WORLD. Oh!
methought this