HERACLES
Mortal! we who greet you are three gods.
PITHETAERUS
Wait a bit till I have prepared my silphium pickle.
HERACLES
What are these meats?
PITHETAERUS
These are birds that have been
punished with death for attacking
the people's friends.
HERACLES
And you are going to season them before answering us?
PITHETAERUS (looking up from his work for the first time)
Ah! Heracles!
welcome,
welcome! What's the matter?
POSIDON
The gods have sent us here as ambassadors to treat for peace.
PITHETAERUS (ignoring this)
There's no more oil in the flask.
HERACLES
And yet the birds must be
thoroughly basted with it.
POSIDON
We have no interest to serve in fighting you; as for you, be
friends and we promise that you shall always have rain-water in your
pools and the warmest of warm weather. So far as these points go we
are plenipotentiaries.
PITHETAERUS
We have never been the aggressors, and even now we are as well
disposed for peace as yourselves, provided you agree to one
equitable condition.
namely, that Zeus yield his sceptre to the birds.
If only this is agreed to, I invite the ambassadors to dinner.
HERACLES
That's good enough for me. I vote for peace.
POSIDON
You wretch! you are nothing but a fool and a glutton. Do you
want to de
throne your own father?
PITHETAERUS
What an error. Why, the gods will be much more powerful if the
birds
govern the earth. At present the
mortals are
hidden beneath
the clouds, escape your
observation, and
commit perjury in your
name; but if you had the birds for your
allies, and a man, after
having sworn by the crow and Zeus, should fail to keep his oath, the
crow would dive down upon him unawares and pluck out his eye.
POSIDON
Well thought of, by Posidon!
HERACLES
My notion too.
PITHETAERUS (to TRIBALLUS)
And you, what's your opinion?
TRIBALLUS
Nabaisatreu.
PITHETAERUS
D'you see? he also approves. But listen, here is another thing
in which we can serve you. If a man vows to offer a sacrifice to
some god, and then procrastinates, pretending that the gods can
wait, and thus does not keep his word, we shall
punish his stinginess.
POSIDON
Ah! and how?
PITHETAERUS
While he is counting his money or is in the bath, a kite will
relieve him, before he knows it, either in coin or in clothes, of
the value of a couple of sheep, and carry it to the god.
HERACLES
I vote for restoring them the sceptre.
POSIDON
Ask Triballus.
HERACLES
Hi Triballus, do you want a thrashing?
TRIBALLUS
Sure, bashum head withum stick.
HERACLES
He says, "Right willingly."
POSIDON
If that be the opinion of both of you, why, I consent too.
HERACLES
Very well! we
accord you the sceptre.
PITHETAERUS
Ah! I was nearly forgetting another condition. I will leave Here
to Zeus, but only if the young Basileia is given me in marriage.
POSIDON
Then you don't want peace. Let us withdraw.
PITHETAERUS
It matters
mighty little to me. Cook, look to the gravy.
HERACLES
What an odd fellow this Posidon is! Where are you off to? Are we
going to war about a woman?
POSIDON
What else is there to do?
HERACLES
What else? Why, conclude peace.
POSIDON
Oh! you blockhead! do you always want to be fooled? Why, you are
seeking your own
downfall. If Zeus were to die, after having yielded
them the
sovereignty, you would be ruined, for you are the heir of all
the
wealth he will leave behind.
PITHETAERUS
Oh! by the gods! how he is cajoling you. Step aside, that I may
have a word with you. Your uncle is getting the better of you, my poor
friend. The law will not allow you an obolus of the
paternal property,
for you are a
bastard and not a
legitimate child.
HERACLES
I a
bastard! What's that you tell me?
PITHETAERUS
Why, certainly; are you not born of a stranger woman? Besides,
is not Athene recognized as Zeus' sole heiress? And no daughter
would be that, if she had a
legitimate brother.
HERACLES
But what if my father wished to give me his property on his
death-bed, even though I be a
bastard?
PITHETAERUS
The law forbids it, and this same Posidon would be the first to
lay claim to his
wealth, in
virtue of being his
legitimate brother.
Listen; thus runs Solon's law: "A
bastard shall not
inherit, if
there are
legitimate children; and if there are no
legitimatechildren, the property shall pass to the nearest kin."
HERACLES
And I get nothing
whatever of the
paternal property?
PITHETAERUS
Absolutely nothing. But tell me, has your father had you entered
on the registers of his phratry?
HERACLES
No, and I have long been surprised at the omission.
PITHETAERUS
Why do you shake your fist at heaven? Do you want to fight? Why,
be on my side, I will make you a king and will feed you on bird's milk
and honey.
HERACLES
Your further condition seems fair to me. I cede you the young
damsel.
POSIDON
But I, I vote against this opinion.
PITHETAERUS
Then it all depends on the Triballus. (To the TRIBALLUS) What do
you say?
TRIBALLUS
Givum bird pretty gel bigum queen.
HERACLES
He says give her.
POSIDON
Why no, he does not say anything of the sort, or else, like the
swallows he does not know how to walk.
PITHETAERUS
Exactly so. Does he not say she must be given to the swallows?
POSIDON (resignedly)
All right, you two arrange the matter; make peace, since you
wish it so; I'll hold my tongue.
HERACLES
We are of a mind to grant you all that you ask. But come up
there with us to receive Basileia and the
celestial bounty.
PITHETAERUS
Here are birds already dressed, and very
suitable for a
nuptialfeast.
HERACLES
You go and, if you like, I will stay here to roast them.
PITHETAERUS
You to roast them? you are too much the glutton; come along with
us.
HERACLES
Ah! how well I would have treated myself!
PITHETAERUS
Let some one bring me a beautiful and
magnificent tunic for the
wedding.
(The tunic is brought. PITHETAERUS and the three gods depart.)
CHORUS (singing)
At Phanae, near the Clepsydra, there dwells a people who have
neither faith nor law, the Englottogastors, who reap, sow, pluck the
vines and the figs with their tongues; they belong to a barbaric race,
and among them the Philippi and the Gorgiases are to be found; 'tis
these Englottogastorian Philippi who introduced the custom all over
Attica of cutting out the tongue
separately at sacrifices.
(A MESSENGER enters.)
MESSENGER (in
tragic style)
Oh, you, whose unbounded happiness I cannot express in words,
thrice happy race of airy birds, receive your king in your fortunate
dwellings. More
brilliant than the brightest star that illumes the
earth, he is approaching his glittering golden palace; the sun
itself does not shine with more dazzling glory. He is entering with
his bride at his side, whose beauty no human tongue can express; in
his hand he brandishes the
lightning, the
winged shaft of Zeus;
perfumes of
unspeakablesweetnesspervade the
ethereal realms. 'Tis
a
gloriousspectacle to see the clouds of
incense wafting in light
whirlwinds before the
breath of the zephyr! But here he is himself.
Divine Muse! let thy
sacred lips begin with songs of happy omen.
(PITHETAERUS enters, with a crown on his head; he is accompanied
by BASILEIA.)
CHORUS (singing)
Fall back! to the right! to the left! advance! Fly around this
happy
mortal, whom Fortune loads with her blessings. Oh! oh! what
grace! what beauty! Oh, marriage so auspicious for our city! All
honour to this man! 'tis through him that the birds are called to such
glorious destinies. Let your
nuptial hymns, your
nuptial songs,
greet him and his Basileia! 'Twas in the midst of such festivities
that the Fates
formerly united Olympian Here to the King who
governs
the gods from the
summit of his
inaccessiblethrone. Oh! Hymen! oh!
Hymenaeus! Rosy Eros with the golden wings held the reins and guided
the
chariot; 'twas he, who presided over the union of Zeus and the
fortunate Here. Oh! Hymen! oh! Hymenaeus!
PITHETAERUS
I am
delighted with your songs, I
applaud your verses. Now
celebrate the
thunder that shakes the earth, the
flaminglightningof Zeus and the terrible flashing
thunderbolt.
CHORUS (singing)
Oh, thou golden flash of the
lightning! oh, ye
divine shafts of